Hello,
I first wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to read my post. While I know that ultimately to stay in my current position or leave is solely up to me, I struggle with the guilt/sadness/loss of leaving.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for 2.5 years. I was 25 when I met and am now 28. He was 27 and now 30. When I met him, his grandmother was still in need of help/care but was mostly independent. During the course of the first year we were dating she was in and out of the hospital a few times where she would then go to rehab for COPD flare ups.
During the first year of relationship, we were her primary care takers. Helping her with cleaning, food shopping, cooking, laundry, doctors appointments, e.t.c. All of this was hard, but manageable. She then fell and broke her rib, shoulder and hip where she was in the hospital/rehab for essentially 10 months. She was only home for a couple of weeks at a time and then go back. After this happened she hired around the clock care upon returning home for good but has quickly depleted her assets. She still has care come in while my boyfriend is at work during the day and then a few nights during the week.
The concern is that we are almost at the point where we are unable to leave the house to do much of anything. She is almost completely bed bound. She is able to get herself on the commode and sometimes to the table to eat dinner. Other than that, she lays in bed all day and night. I run all the errands for them while he stays home. If he tries to come with me, there is guilt associated and he stays home. If I try to leave their home because I do not want to be stuck in the house, I am guilted that I am leaving. If I do not come over that night, I get text messages/phone calls asking why I am not coming over.
We are unable to start our life and our future together because of this. There is no one in his family that can help either as she has an estranged relationship with most of them. She also refuses to go to an assisted living and wants to stay home, which is her respected choice.
My concern is that I am sacrificing my entire life to be in this relationship and while I do love him very much, the price to pay to stay in this relationship is very high. She will vocalize that she is concerned that I am going to leave him because of this and I know that it is getting so bad and to the point that he is worried as well. We are both at the age where all of our friends are getting engaged/ married/ buying houses and starting their own family. We are the only ones who do not have this.
Another concern is that we are not engaged or married and the responsibility that I have taken on does not match the level of severity of our relationship. At the end of the day, I am his girlfriend who stays still lives at home with her parents, but also a care taker to his grandmother while sacrificing my entire life for her and him.
My question is, what would you do? Would you stick this out seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or would you choose you and leave? I am the point where I do not want to do this anymore.
Thank you again for taking the time to read and to respond to this. I hope you have a great week!
If you want to give him one more chance, repeat that you can’t cope with this and she needs to go into care. He has one month to organise it, whether she agrees or not. If it isn’t done and dusted at the end of the month, then you leave. This puts the responsibility for choosing her or you right where it belongs – on him. If he won’t do it, please leave. No excuses. Most of your posters wouldn’t even give one more chance. He needs more backbone, and so do you!
I agree. When something is temporary anyone can get through it. Any longer, and as you say, resentment builds and becomes unhealthy.
Just reread your post again. Please leave him. I wonder if you would even accept a proposal from this guy.
Not sure about you, but I turned down proposals from people that I simply knew were not the right match for me. They may have been right for someone but not a good fit for me.
I don’t hear you saying that you are aching to spend the rest of your life with this guy.
I hear you saying your friends are at the age of marrying and I feel like you would like that one day for yourself with someone suitable for you. That’s great if you desire that. Also great if you don’t desire it and wish to remain single.
I want to throw something out there and if I am off base, just tell me and I will understand, okay?
Here’s what I feel may be a possibility. You were initially attracted to this guy. We have all been attracted to others.
It isn’t until we really get to know them that we can determine that we either want a future with them or not. You got so caught up in this ‘caregiving for grandma’ that you haven’t been able to even focus on a relationship with him. Why? Think about this, please. Because grandma has been right smack in the middle of your relationship! Not her fault, not your fault, it just happened. Somehow this all landed in your laps. Grandma didn’t plan for this to happen but could say to her grandson that she will not burden him. She may be selfish in that regard.
Anyway, step away. If you truly miss him, maybe it will be possible to reconnect in the future under different circumstances. I don’t think you will miss him. You will be enjoying life as the vibrant young person that you are!
I think you’re more interested in finding a guy that you will be able to focus on each other rather than someone’s grandma. Am I correct? Your heart is no longer in this. You got roped into it the the first place. You didn’t seek out this kind of arrangement out. You fell into it because you were trying to help. Very sweet of you. You did help and are not obligated to continue doing so. Do yourself a favor and step away from it.
Don’t make any promises to either of them, him or grandma and simply say, this is over, and wish them well. You don’t have to end this with animosity. It just has to end for your own sanity. They will figure it out. What if he didn’t have a girlfriend. They will survive.
Do not feel guilty for wanting to leave. Do not feel guilty for leaving. Do not stay and regret that you threw away your life for a guy that you said yourself is not even a fiancé. Get out now!
Ignore any insults from anyone that expects you to be a martyr.
This isn’t your family member. You were interested in having a boyfriend. Let’s be honest, that’s not what you have. He doesn’t act like your boyfriend. He is committed to grandma and I respect that choice for him. However, by choosing grandma he looses the right to you as his girlfriend because he asks you to be ‘second fiddle.’ Serious girlfriends aren’t supposed to be second fiddle. You know that and it’s why you are miserable! You did not sign up to be Mother Teresa. I loved Mother Teresa, very special woman, caregiver to the poorest of the poor but not everyone is called to be a Mother Teresa.
What will you lose if you leave?
Anyone else care to chip in as to what she will lose?
On a general self growth note, books by Brene Brown are good.
Sending love to your 28 year old self!
Yes, good advice from ChangesThatHeal. Read the suggested book. Something will jump off the pages and speak to your heart. You are smack in the middle of it. It’s going to take stepping away from it to see clearly. It may also take seeing it through another person’s view. Take the suggestion of reading this and perhaps other informative, insightful books.
Relief came to us for objective insights into her situation, not to be insulted.
Very good points! Experience counts for a lot! OP has unfortunately taken a lot of hard knocks in this relationship. Time to move on. She will think twice if someone tries to take advantage again.
Haha, year’s ago I took my kids to see Annie at the theatre. Most people love the song, ‘Tomorrow.’ Such a positive, uplifting song about the sun coming out tomorrow but I am such a sucker for the song, ‘It’s a Hard Knock Life.” I really am that blend of the realist and the dreamer. I see both sides.
I am very lucky in that my husband is loving and supportive. But, if I told him my dream was to be crowned NY Rodeo Queen or some such, he'd burst out laughing. And if I pursued it, he'd rightfully be concerned that I've had a break with reality.
OP will learn from this relationship (hopefully). I don't believe that he supports or even gives much thought to any of her dreams.
When did we stop talking to the one who asked for help, and talk to or argue with each other, while referring to that one as 'she' or 'they'? Lets be as civil as we can, and reliefsearch, take us all with a grain of salt. Read, ponder, and make your own decisions. Good luck in your quest. You seem to be a decent, caring person.
I am sorry Relief. But I still believe you deserve better.
You’re so young. Don’t waste any more time on this. At the very least, take a much needed break.
You will never be judged from us for that. I’m starting respite care today for my mom. Not much, only eight hours a month.
My mom is already telling me the things she wants done before caregiver gets here. I’ve tried to tell her that I am getting respite care so I can get relief too, that it isn’t only a caregiver provided for her. I had to tell her that it can wait. The caregiver can put the sheets on the bed that I washed. She is old fashioned and likes to have things tidy for everyone else to see, regardless if it’s a caregiver or not. My neighbor cleans before her housekeeper comes! Haha.
They become very codependent and we are partially responsible for this. We trained them to think we are always available. Let’s support each other and change together. Deal? I have work to do on my end as well.
We are all a work in progress. There is always something new to learn from others. Take care. Hugs!!!
It is very hard for our kids to find jobs that pay enough to move out. Roommates are not always a good answer because you are depending on someone else to come up with their part of the bills. My daughter found this out. Others have student loans to pay off.
What I see is a young woman who has put 2.5 years into a relationship that seems to be going no where. There is no time for just the two of them, grandma demands it. When there are children, a grandchild should not be caring for a grandparent. Especially not where he is changing HER. Does this gma have no dignity or modesty. I see a woman who has always been a manipulator and now she has the grandson doing for her.
This girl, immature or not, deserves a loving relationship and it seems she is not getting it. He just does not have the time. Think back when you were in ur 20s, I doubt if any of us really "looked" at our relationships. We were "in love". But being "in love" doesn't mean the future should be marriage. Thats why we date. By dating we find what we really want and need in a longterm relationship. What I thought I wanted and put up with at 20 was not what I wanted when I was 30. I had wised up and matured.
This young woman really knows what she wants and needs to do, she just was looking for some confirmation. It doesn't matter if the man is leading her on or he really loves her. She realizes that she cannot go on like this. Can't see having a relationship where she doesn't come first. That is not selfish, if she marries, this is the way it should be. She should come first and she is realizing this isn't going to happen. I didn't have that with my first marriage but I have it with my second. I have "always" been first even with a passive-aggressive MIL.
As said she is a girlfriend. Even an engagement is a time to make sure that you are good together. They can be broken. They say spend 4 seasons together before committing. They say this because people can't keep the facade going that long. The YL has gone longer and is realizing this is not what she wants for her future. I think this is a good thing. Its part of growing up.
But I did put my foot down and let her know I will not leave my husband to take care of her for 24/7. Oh boy did she guilt me but I have my own life to live and I have to put my husband first.
There's a part of me that thinks your boyfriend is a very loving kind caring person and that's why he is giving up his life to take care of grandma. She obviously guilts him all the time and I feel like your boyfriend in his mind has no other choice but to give in to her demands.
His loyalty towards providing care for her could mean he's a great guy and will be an excellent faithful husband who is indeed loyal to you as well. Or it could mean that he puts others before you which will make for a very unhealthy relationship.
I would suggest leaning way back and have other things to do. Even if it's washing your hair or organizing your sock drawer tell him I can't come I'm busy. See how he responds.
When he askes why you are not coming around anymore just be very honest in a very loving way. Tell him you're too young to sacrifice your life for his grandmother's and then just drop it. Let him make the decision.
I'm sure it's not easy for him I know firsthand how horrible it is to be guilted. You my dear have been a saint. I'm sorry you have to go through this.