Hello,
I first wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to read my post. While I know that ultimately to stay in my current position or leave is solely up to me, I struggle with the guilt/sadness/loss of leaving.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for 2.5 years. I was 25 when I met and am now 28. He was 27 and now 30. When I met him, his grandmother was still in need of help/care but was mostly independent. During the course of the first year we were dating she was in and out of the hospital a few times where she would then go to rehab for COPD flare ups.
During the first year of relationship, we were her primary care takers. Helping her with cleaning, food shopping, cooking, laundry, doctors appointments, e.t.c. All of this was hard, but manageable. She then fell and broke her rib, shoulder and hip where she was in the hospital/rehab for essentially 10 months. She was only home for a couple of weeks at a time and then go back. After this happened she hired around the clock care upon returning home for good but has quickly depleted her assets. She still has care come in while my boyfriend is at work during the day and then a few nights during the week.
The concern is that we are almost at the point where we are unable to leave the house to do much of anything. She is almost completely bed bound. She is able to get herself on the commode and sometimes to the table to eat dinner. Other than that, she lays in bed all day and night. I run all the errands for them while he stays home. If he tries to come with me, there is guilt associated and he stays home. If I try to leave their home because I do not want to be stuck in the house, I am guilted that I am leaving. If I do not come over that night, I get text messages/phone calls asking why I am not coming over.
We are unable to start our life and our future together because of this. There is no one in his family that can help either as she has an estranged relationship with most of them. She also refuses to go to an assisted living and wants to stay home, which is her respected choice.
My concern is that I am sacrificing my entire life to be in this relationship and while I do love him very much, the price to pay to stay in this relationship is very high. She will vocalize that she is concerned that I am going to leave him because of this and I know that it is getting so bad and to the point that he is worried as well. We are both at the age where all of our friends are getting engaged/ married/ buying houses and starting their own family. We are the only ones who do not have this.
Another concern is that we are not engaged or married and the responsibility that I have taken on does not match the level of severity of our relationship. At the end of the day, I am his girlfriend who stays still lives at home with her parents, but also a care taker to his grandmother while sacrificing my entire life for her and him.
My question is, what would you do? Would you stick this out seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or would you choose you and leave? I am the point where I do not want to do this anymore.
Thank you again for taking the time to read and to respond to this. I hope you have a great week!
My granddaughter just went through a bad relationship. He left her high and dry with a baby as soon as things didn't go his way. Please, don't fall into the same trap she did. Leave, don't look back. Don't take him back either. My mother was full of sayings . One of them was, "What broke you up the first time will break you up the second time". Another one was, "Men are like buses, there will be another one along in a few minutes" (you can say women too if you are a man).
He is getting the best of both worlds, he can be grandmas golden boy and have a free of charge, responsibility free caregiver with benefits. Why would he change anything? He hasn't committed himself to the relationship in the least, you are not engaged, he has no home but grannies and he has taken over her care 100% with a promise to never put her in a home.
Run, don't walk, run away from this person that is using you and then manipulating you to do his bidding, those are reasons to get away and never look back. This is behavior that will be the norm the rest of his life, you will live in hell if you get tangled up with this fella. Anyone that uses guilt to get their own way has a personality disorder and they are usually very self centered and selfish, I think you are seeing this and laying the blame on grandma, there is a reason he is all she has.
When anyone, besides a newborn baby, needs 24/7/365 care it is time for a village. One or 2 people can not provide the level of care a bed bound senior requires, it will kill the caregivers and it is selfish and self-centered to expect anyone to provide that at the expense of their own life. She lived her life and is now stealing his and yours so she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want. He is learning from her, think about it.
He has told you and shown you where you stand, believe him and go have a life and leave him to his choices. Oh, if he pops the question, this is another manipulation to keep you around as a free caregiver, he doesn't get to ask at this stage and be taken seriously, too late.
Best wishes for a clean break and a happy future.
Thank you for the laugh! You sound like my mom :)
This is a perfect response! Thank you for clarifying :)
Every time I talk to him, it leads to no action on his behalf. He just agrees that it is to much but takes no action to change the situation. Every now and then she will make comments on leaving the house to go get the care she needs and then throws it in his face that he wants to move out and start his life. I think she is NPD.
She has an estranged relationship with her family aside from her grandson and a few others who are living their own life. She does not talk to her one kid (mom of grandson).
When we are at work she is alone for a few hours or with a hired aid. She is in her late 70's. He is her sole care taker and in return since I am dating him have also taken on the responsibility of helping him.
Her doctor suggested she go to an assisted living and she refuses. She wants to stay home and respectfully so. My concern is continuing to stay in this relationship and sacrifice my life or leave.
Thank you again for your guidance!
In my opinion, you are wasting your youth. He's not capable of giving you the relationship that *you* seek. Do the kind and mature thing and breakup with him. Focus on pursuing the life *you* want. Few things are more attractive than a confident, independent woman.
Thank you for your guidance. My best friend has said similar things about finding his independence.
I have been teetering on the fence of leaving for a long time and I am finally at the point where I cannot give/do this anymore. I also do not want to come between him and what he feels is the best care for his family. I have a lot of soul searching to do.
I also struggle with knowing what is my place and responsibility and what is not. On Saturday's, she only has care at night. My boyfriend does overtime on some Saturdays and she is stuck at home all day alone. Is it my responsibility to stay with her while he is at work?
Thank you responding! She is aware of her options but thinks that it is the same as at home care and refuses to leave. She then gets mad when she knows that him and I cannot provide the level of care that she needs when her aids are not there.
I do agree that it is to open ended. I am hoping that we are able to sort this out as this is a major source of anxiety for myself and for him.
Family meeting air your concerns go from there. I Good Luck