Backstory: I reported my mom to the DMV going on a year ago, with concerns over her ability to continue driving. She has moderate dementia and certainly should never again be behind the wheel of a car. She failed the DMV test and no longer has a license.
Her low mileage car has been sitting unused since. She rarely took it out prior to losing her license. She keeps "making noise" about getting her license back. Never going to happen, even if she had the ability to go through the DMV hoops to get another test. I am certainly not facilitating that.
Recently my cousin did not hit a deer. The deer hit her car. The car is currently in for repairs. Rather than have her rent a car, I gave her full access to use my mom's car. I asked my mom "permission," which she gave.
Endgame is the car is never going back into the garage. When my cousin is finished with it, I have asked her to take it to her local Toyota dealer for a "once over." I'm currently on the opposite coast and will deal with it when I return. My plan is to tell my mother that the car has been totaled. I am going to use the "hit a deer" story, so as not to implicate my cousin in any blame game. I have spoken to my cousin about this, and she is fine with it. I will tell my mom she will get a nice check from insurance, when in reality she will get a nice check once I sell the car! I have the title and POA so I can do so legally.
I know I am doing the right thing for my mom, both for her safety and her finances. She has private caregivers in her home. Her money is paying for them, and I want to beef up her resources. I know she will have the fit of all fits. She thinks nothing is wrong with her, and I know that she will start on "have to get a new car."
Please chime on your thoughts that I am doing the right thing, despite having to lie about it. I'm 58, mom is 84, and I still feel like a bad little girl lying to her mommy.
It sounds mean, but it’s not. Sometimes with dementia, a little “fibbing” to keep safe AND keep the peace is what’s called for.
We have the responsibility to keep our loved one's and others safe. Taking the keys is one of those things that is a must should you think safety is an issue.
There is an ID called a Real ID. I believe in time everyone in the U.S. will have to get one. Mother has one and in her mind she thinks she has a driver's license. She has not driven in quite some time as she is on blood thinner and when I first noticed which was then the beginning stages of Lewy Body Dementia her peripheral vision was the first thing to go. Basically, it's like wearing scuba diving glasses and you can't see on either side losing peripheral vision.
Bottom line--just get Mom a Real ID and take away ALL of the keys. It has to be done. They can get hurt or they can hurt someone else. They say in Florida this type of situation is notorious with the retired men who will not give up driving. Do you blame them, it is a loss of freedom but we have a responsibility that safety comes first.
I empathize with you I truly do. However, please do not lie to your Mother. You have her best interest at heart. I recommend to tell her the truth and that is the best decision to free up cash for her. I was in the same situation with my husband who is 75 years old with dementia. His car was just sitting in the garage everyday serving no purpose whatsoever. I took the car to CarMax which purchase the car from us for $35,600. It is apparent you love and respect your Mom lying to her is not cool. Lies always catches up with you. You are her POA for a reason. You know what is best for her she will thank you later. As POA for our love ones we have to make tough decisions for them. Tough Love.
(aging) parents authority is really odd lol and a bit unusual but, all that your doing is out of love, care and concern and if the tables where turned I’m pretty sure it would be the same…. Well actually the tables were turned( roles and ages were a lil reversed though
( smiles) . Stay encouraged, it’s a tedious journey..
Wishing you all the best💕
My 92 year old mother thinks she can drive just fine. Never mind she has to sit on a pile of cushions just to see out the windshield, and can barely walk out to the car. "You don't forget how to drive," she says. No, mother, but you shouldn't be driving at all. My sister's car was hit and totaled a few months ago, and she has driven mom's car since that time. It was a blessing in disguise. My mother (with age-related mental decline, but no dementia as far as we know) has griped and b*****d about not having a car ever since. According to her, her life has stopped, she cannot do anything because she doesn't have a car, even though she had rarely driven in the last few years.
My other sister and I have told mom to just give her the car, but she resists. Our lawyer brother in law recently explained to her that if she were in an accident, there would be no discussion about who was at fault, or how it happened, but that the only thing anyone would focus on would be her age - that a 92 year old driver was involved. She pays a fortune for car insurance, plus yearly property taxes and registration, and we have tried to point out what a savings it would be to sign the car over to sister.
Giving up driving signifies a huge loss of independence, and I understand the reluctance to do so. But as we get older, we have to adapt to the situation we are in, and live the best life we can. I just wish my mother would heed that advice!