Long story short, my fiancé has been dealt a tough card of being the caregiver of a 97 year old, a mentally ill father in his 60's, as well as an uncle who also requires assistance. All three live together, his father and grandmother recently came home from the hospital after a 3 week stay (diabetes and major mental health issues for his father). His grandmother refuses to go to a nursing home yet she is extremely weak and requires complete care, but she is cognitively there--just very emotionally fragile. Hard to imagine but she constantly orders her son and my fiancé around. She then cries and my fiancé feels so bad that he gives in to whatever she wants/needs.
My fiancé is completely burnt out. ..took over 3 weeks off work (unpaid) to go to the hospital several times a day, deal with doctors, etc as he was dealing with multiple crisis situations at once with his dad and grandmother. He also had to check on his uncle (who was now alone, doesn't drive, and needs assistance) several times a day during all of this. I was away traveling for work at the start of all of this and he had to also come back to care for his 14 year old dog.
We live together about 30 minutes away. I am a single mom with two little kids and no family nearby and a professional career with lots of travel and heavy work responsibility. I also drive over an hour to and from work on the daily basis and have to cart my kids all over the state for travel sporting events. (just trying to paint the picture here of the situation).
I feel extremely guilty for being very resentful of my fiancé's situation. The situation has become progressively worse. He continues to say he is trying to get it under control so he can live his life, be more available for our family and my kids, stabilize the situation and go back to work, yet I don't see enough forward movement. (hiring more caregivers, etc). I progressively warned him that he shouldn't have them come home without all the help in place since it's unsafe for his gram to be home without people all the time, as well as making sure the house was in his name and not theirs---since there is a chance of a nursing home stay in the near future. She was in a rehab facility but kept demanding to go home, he gave in. Nothing has happened---he continues to drag his feet and do it all.... I'm very afraid he's going to start having major health issues himself from all of this.
I feel so bad for him but also resentful which makes me feel horrible. I feel like his family isn't thinking of him with all of this (him taking off work and then ends up falling on me to pick up the financial slack) and then I get the "who wouldn't help their family" from him and then I feel like such a horrible person.
My issue is that I feel like there's no end in sight and that me and my kids are the casualties with all of this. But maybe I am not being empathetic enough. I truly wish I was able to assist more to take the burden off him, yet my own schedule and life is barely do-able if that makes sense. I have to hire my own help here (cleaning person, etc) due to my crazy schedule and my Childrens crazy schedules.
How can I lessen the burden on all of us?? I am about ready to tell him to go move in with them and maybe we should take a break while everything is figured out. Yet he is insistent that he doesn't want to live there.
I'll add this in, we got engaged a year ago and right after that was when things seemed to go downhill with his family. We haven't been able to plan for our own future, plan a wedding or do anything because of having to worry about the next crisis. I am 39 (he's 48) and this all feels very overwhelming--I think for both of us.
I also want to say I feel for all of you that are caregivers. This situation has made me want to strongly plan for my own future so that my children aren't stuck picking up the pieces if I get ill.
Planning the now is planning for your future. Get your kids grown and out BEFORE you volunteer yourself and kids to this life. You're feeling and not thinking.
Can you guarantee that another disaster won't happen in your and your kid's future?
I sometimes feel like I'm not sympathetic enough. From my vantage point the answer seems to me cut and dried obvious, and tough. Forgive my bluntness which is partially do to my time constraints as I am neck deep in caregiving myself, so here it is - Why are you putting your kids through this? You do know why.
Also, I hate to be cliché but in the spirit of the saying about a person not being able to see the forest for the trees, here it is with a twist…by having you and your children in your fiancé's life he's simply adding more trees or more details to his problems.
It's not time for you two and a life.
Could it be that neither you nor you fiancé have a healthy idea of what a proper life and environment for children looks like? It's not the fault of either of you. It happens, but children first, or this will repeat in their lives, or worse.
This boat has a lot of holes in it. Love and dreams are not enough. You are needed.
Selflessness starts at home. Kindly and very well meaning, you're kids are going to be victims if they aren't already.
Even without kids, be a friend for now. I'd give your beau leads to resources and back off. Let it go, 'cause if you think you have troubles now, boy oh boy. If you think this is as bad as it gets honey babe this is just the appetizer.
For a few years, fiance came to all the kids events, games, etc. It seemed like his situation stabilized with his family (and i was unaware of the full extent). Then his gram got sick (the one running the show ) and its very hard for him to make many games or do activities with us such as go out to eat etc. (understandably) When I have my kids (especially since its 50% of the time, I make sure its all about them). Im not willing to move from this one, so comments regarding me making boyfriend priority over kids is inaccurate.
Yes, you all are right in saying the kids already have a dad that is an active. I have two boys. Fiance and ex husband get along very well. Partly because fiance is extremely good with people (very personable, kind and friendly) and knows how to teeter that line with not being controlling or taking over a situation where kids already have a father. My ex husband has opposite personality of fiance (very type A, controlling, take charge, alpha). However, I will say fiance does add a good element to the equation since me and my ex are both very type A and ex is very hard on my boys. Fiance lightens it up a bit for the kids....
Now on to the situation at hand. Like I stated, for the first few years, the situation worked out great for all of us...me and fiance compliment each other well, go to kids events but then had time to go on weekend vacations, skiing, biking and planning our own future. We took kids on vacations. He didnt overstep with my kids with discipline which worked out great for both me and my Ex. After 2 years into the relationship fiance moved out of his house and into the home I lived with the kids (about 30 min from his home). However, it always felt like he still thought of it as "her home"...I continued to pay all the bills, groceries, etc and we had a set amount he would contribute each month. No combined income at this point. Some people mentioned him contributing financial support to kids, no he did not...and he only contributes a small portion to overall costs of home (i make a lot more than him and receive child support). So I understand all of this, however do think he needs to contribute at least what is agreed upon and to cover his own share of living here too.
Fast forward to last summer. We got engaged last Spring and very shortly after was when his own family situation seemed to deteriorate. His GMA health started failing and then his father had both health issues and other issues (wreaked his car and fiance had to clean up all the mess, court etc); instead of planning a wedding and being excited for our future everything was put on hold. We were first going to elope in Vegas (i already had a large wedding and so did he, we didnt care about that) and then my dad said he would pay for a wedding in the state I am from; however I stopped that. Fiance does not deal with stress very well and it was one crisis after another....he was completely pulled into his families stuff so our relationship, my kids, etc were put on the backburner. He wasnt able to come to events and mentally he wasnt here. He was extremely defensive and a lot of pressure is put onto him from GMA. We literally stopped all forward planning in our relationship.
He took his father and uncle to doctors appointments yesterday and expressed to me that he felt like it was two special needs kids with him...he said he was overwhelmed. GMA today said I want to die and please take care of "my boys
You're spot on about most of it, but not the kids. They have a father who is active in their life. The OP's fiance cannot step up and become dad to them because they already have one. People tend to resent a "third" parent over-stepping themselves. It doesn't have to necessarily be a new step-parent either. Many times the "third" parent is a grandparent who moves in and assumes parenting. This will cause resentment with the father and the kids.
It's different when a person marries someone with kids that don't have another parent. Or if they do the person is an inactive deadbeat.
I married a widower who had a little boy. I adopted that kid and he's my son. Even though we eventually divorced, he's my son too. There wasn't a biological parent in the picture to get resentful. There is here.
This couple should retreat to their respective corners and take a break so they can both make some decisions that need to be made.
If they work it out and stay together then great. If they realize they're not meant for each other, it's better they find this out before there are mortgages to pay and property to divide and additional kids to make custody arrangements for.
I agree, I have no interest in adding a marriage, joint mortgage etc to complicate this..which is why the marriage is put on hold. However I am still technically engaged...and the complication of potentially breaking up while all this is going on.
If I were you, I would sit down with your fiance and let him know that you will go with him to meet with a social worker to discuss care options for his family members. If he expresses that he has no plan to stop being the main caregiver for these people, then you have a decision to make. Do you want to financially support someone who is a fulltime caregiver who will not have time or money to contribute to your relationship/household or do you want to walk away...
He has choices, but so do you.
This sounds incredibly stressful for all of you. I'm sorry this is happening at the very time you two should be celebrating your engagement and future wedding.
Becoming a temporary caregiver to both of my parents definitely has me planning for my own future. There is no way I'd want my children dealing with all I've been doing.
I agree, I never really thought of all of this since most of my family died younger or through a quick illness but if I last and need extended care I wont be burdening other people. I just dont think its fair.
The real issue is about him sorting out the care for his three elders, to a point where he has some energy left over for you and he doesn’t need your income to make it happen. His current choices are not sustainable. He needs to be able to sort out his own responsibilities, without your financial input (eg time for him to mow their lawn?). If he can’t do that, he is not a good prospect for any relationship at all. Sex is not the issue.
Give him a time limit to work out how to arrange care for his elders that allows him to put time into paid work and his relationship with you. If he can’t do that, get out as soon as the time limit expires. ‘Part' doesn’t work. He needs to work it himself.
You keep saying, "our family" you guys aren't a family. You are a girlfriend that he lives with, who has children that have a dad that is active in their lives. You and him are not family, sorry.
He should never be called upon to support another man's children, not when the dad is involved. Bio daddy needs to be paying for his own children.
You keep telling us what ugly things he says to you when you try to talk to him. Stop trying to talk about it. Tell him you expect him to pay whatever was agreed upon for him to move in or consider this his 30 day notice.
Men don't handle women telling them what they think he needs to do. It shuts them down or they make it about you. Their brains and emotions work and process differently then a female, I don't care what any talking heads say about that. There are differences in males and females and that is part of what you are running up against.
If you tell him, do what you feel you need to but, you have to pay your way here or move out, you will know where he stands. Personally, I would not be giving him any female comforts until he gets it sorted out, it complicates the issues.
Right now, it should be treated as a business deal for housing and friendship until decisions are made and action proves them.
I have always believed ultimatums in intimate relationships create a lose-lose. So make it about the business of housing and let go of the intimate, for now. Hopefully, that makes senses.
He is not working at times because he has to take care of 3 old people who refuse to help themselves or get outside help.
He knew she had kids when they got together. She had no idea he would risk himself financially to take care of 3 old people and kill himself doing it in the process because he refuses to set boundaries and limits espevially with 97 year old grandma who sounds like she has been running the show and not in a positive way for her two sons all these years.
How many times gave we read about people ruinung themselves financially to bend over backwards for old people to satisfy that old persons selfish wants? Too many times. It is morally wrong but selfish seniors only care about what they want to hell with everyone else. If he can't set boundaries with these 3 then she will have to decide if the relationship is worth it. Because grandma can live past 100 and dad and uncles needs will only grow as they get older.
She needs to know uf he us willing to place any or all if they need it rather tham try to be superman and fix and take care if them all until they die. Conversely dad and uncle need to be sat down and talked with about future, future caravans expectations. So they are all on the same page.
You need support from an objective source who will tell you if you are being selfish/uncaring etc. and if this is a relationship that can be rescued.
Your post says that you are currently propping up (and even part financing) your fella so that he can do something you don’t really want him to do. ??? You probably expect that if you can both get over this hurdle, everything will be OK.
You are a very capable woman. There are some men (and some women) who are very comfortable being propped up (and financed) permanently. I’m sure that you are watching for this. However the opposite can happen too. For me, I was just that bit TOO capable, and DH1 walked out on me and his kids for a weak clinging woman “who needed him more”. She turned out to be far more controlling, but that wasn’t immediately obvious.
Once you get over this hurdle, you may still find that you have wasted your time, and it may be even more painful. I’d suggest that you give yourself and your fella a ‘do it by’ date for this problem to get solved, because it could last for years. Then stick to it!
yes I’m worried about this. I don’t want to waste my time and be basically taken advantage of to support other people.
Was this guy an "adult" when you met him? Living on his own, paying his bills, having good relationships?
Or was he living with parents/grandparents and sort of drifting?
I think that the first thing you need to hear is that everything you are feeling is legitimate, your concerns are real and valid. Caregiving can be exhausting, frustrating and seemingly endless not only for the caregiver but also for those who care about the caregiver (eg their spouses, partners, etc). I think it is good that you can put a voice to what your are feeling. What may be happening for your fiance is that he is sooo overwhelmed and worried etc. that he may not even know what he feels because he doesnt have time to feel as he is actively IN it. I speak from experience and can offer that what has and is making a difference for me is therapy - where I get a chance to talk about my situation and realize what I am feeling, realize how it is affecting my relationship and ultimately becoming able to voice my fears and see that there is help. Once I started taking to time to feel rather than just reacting to the caregiving (and crying at night and feeling guilty for being resentful that my life was detoured/derailed by all this); then I could map out potential solutions. I began to accept help - from palliative care and my local area agency on aging. I found adult day care options and funding to pay for it. I waded through all the paperwork to get my parent qualified for Medicaid. And this was only possible when I stopped being IN it as much as stepping back from it if only for an hour a week while i talked through it with an experienced therapist (who had been through the same thing with both her parents. oh, and I only found her by making the time to attend local caregiver support groups (you would be suprised at how many nursing homes have such groups that you can attend even if you have no family member in the home. Caring.com and APlacefor Mom can also help you A LOT by putting you in touch with your own local resources. I think the best thing you might do is talk to your fiance about how you are feeling and what you are seeing him go through, and both of you seek and accept help. it is out there. wishing you well - Jocelyn775
I have attempted to seek out more help in our home (hiring someone to cut the grass so he doesn't need to do it); however he's positive he can do this.
Its not sustainable. I want to be as supportive as possible but my patience is thinning. I know I would be so much better if I didn't have children (as my ability to be that great caring for anyone else is limited both emotionally and physically). Just a rough situation overall.
1. A bit confused, am I getting this that your fiancé is living with:
Dad
Uncle
Grandfather
Grandmother
(If grandmother and grandfather are living in another place that makes it only slightly better.)
Obviously you know that 1 person can not care for 4 dependent people with no help.
Are any of these people that need care Veterans? If so the VA might be able to provide some help. Have him contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help determine what benefits they would be entitled to. the service is free.
I am sure others have mentions the local Area Agency on Aging, check and see if they qualify for any services.
The local Senior Center might also have some options.
If at any time ANY one of these people is taken to the hospital he must talk to the Hospital Social Worker and inform them that this person can not be safely discharged to their home as there is not a caregiver available to help.
Your fiancé needs to get his act together and begin to be a Care manager NOT a full time Caregiver.
He is not responsible for each one of these people. He may feel an obligation because they are family but he does not have to do all the care.
He needs to inform each one that he needs to back off, he will help them get them the help that they need but he can not continue to do it all.
BOUNDARIES...
He also needs to show you that you and the family that he is to have in the future is his priority. If he doesn't I hope you delay your wedding plans until this is all sorted out. (with a father in his 60's it might be 20 or 30 years...how long do you want to wait)
His grandmother, dad and uncle all live in his grandmothers home together. His grandfather died a very long time ago.
It does seem like he is attempting to be just a care manager, but with one crisis after another he continuously needs to step in for someone in the house whether its his dad, his grandmother, even his uncle.
He feels an obligation that extends into even cleaning their house, redoing the inside of the home (painting, etc), taking out the trash, grocery shopping, etc beyond medical appointments.
Since this all started last summer, I have delayed planning anything for the wedding. I halted all plans and we don't have a date set. I realize that I don't want to walk into anything that does not work out.
He needs support in valuing his life and career. No parent/grandparent has the right to refuse caregivers because they "only want family".
This message would be more powerful coming from a disinterested person, rather than you. He can push back with you and call you selfish. The therapist, without a stake in his saying "no" will be more effective.
Think of it slightly differently: it would be like marrying someone who is an alcoholic who says he doesn't want to be an alcoholic, says that you're a priority to him yet won't stop drinking, complete rehab or even go to AA meetings. When you ask him to do those things he says you're selfish. But promises he'll get sober if you get married, *then* he'll change. Nope. Don't keep waiting for him to change, don't promise to stay exclusive to him. Then you'll see just how much he does (or doesn't) love you. You being his indentured helper won't make him love you, either. It will just continue to enable him.
Since we live together it would be impossible for us to not stay exclusive...so not sure how I could approach that without a breakup. He feels there is no way around this. I think he is saying YES too much and its just not sustainable.
This is probably very overwhelming for ur fiance. At this point, allow him to do what he feels he needs to. But tell him he is going to need a longterm plan. Because if you marry, you and your children need to be number #1.
Grandmom needs to be placed. Seems her sons can't do the care and a grandson should not feel he needs to be doing it. Next time she is hospitalized, she can be evaluated for 24/7 care and transported to a NH from there.
Find resources for Dad and Uncle. 60 is not old. Fiance needs to learn to set boundries. He cannot be responsible for even 2 people.
You are not selfish. You have children to look after. At this point, these people are not even related. Step back and let him do what he needs to do. You can research resources for him. If he or his relatives don't want to take advantage of what is out there and fiance is not willing to set boundaries you may just have to break it off.
I am 72 and have been divorced raising one child alone. The last thing I would have wanted was BF with all the responsibility yours has. I wanted security. I got that with a man who took on my child and my cat. I did care for my Mom for a short time but eventually placed her which worked out well for both of us. TG I was not further tested by having to make the decision to have his MIL live with me. That I am sure would not have worked. Good for 1 week at a time once or twice a year. 😊
I think he's the one who's being selfish. You live together, and you provide the financial cushion when he can't contribute financially because he's not working while caregiving.
Once married and IF there is agreement that one or all of these people need facility placement, will YOUR financial contribution be required for that?
If you have 15 weeks off each year, don't you think that you will be expected to be helping out, too?
Your fiance has made his choice -- his family over you and yours. When someone shows you what they are, believe them.
I made it clear that I wouldn't pay for anyone else. I don't have extra beyond my own children. However, if we are married and he decides to assist with paying for them, then I do realize this would end up affecting me. This is a fear of mine since fiancé doesn't have the means to support anyone beyond himself.
First of all, I just want to point out this irony - usually when someone calls you "selfish", it's because you won't do what THEY want you to do. So usually that word is bandied about to try and guilt you into doing what the person who has called you selfish wants you to do. AND when you start to do things out of guilt, resentment generally quickly follows. And that is not a healthy foundation for ANY relationship, but especially a marriage.
Secondly and more importantly - SO WHAT??? So what if people think you're "selfish"? Because you have set boundaries and won't move them, because you know if you do no good will come of it? Because you have the mental wherewithall to be able to recognize that this future your fiance sees is NOT what you want for either you or your children? Even IF there weren't children involved, there is no shame is saying "nope, I'm just not willing to be an elderly person's caregiver, and I'm not willing to put my entire life on hold while my partner takes on that role". Especially when you have spoken up about your concerns and have been ignored - or worse, been told that "you're selfish".
So go ahead and embrace that "selfishness" - because 1 year, 5 years, 10 years down the road, you will look back and see how you dodged a major bullet.
1. Your minor children are your FIRST responsibility here.
2. Your wage-earning status is not petty. Else how will you provide for those children and your own retirement.
3. Your finance's family has no reasonable expectation of your financially supporting their grandson/nephew/father so that he can caregive.
You are not selfish. Self-preservation is what it is called.
No one else is going to take care of YOU, therefore, you must.
His family can hire caregivers. Gma can go into care and adult sons can go to supportive housing.
The fact that these folks have NO plan ain't your problem, sister.
He realizes that if he did not live with me and the kids he would not be able to support himself alone with the amount of caregiving he is having to do.
I do feel like his family does not realize that I am picking up the slack financially, or if they do, they do not care. I think they view their grandson as a man just living with his girlfriend and her kids but not as someone that is trying to become a husband/stepfather, if that makes sense.
It bothers me that their plan is basically just to 'stay put'...when in fact that means SOMEONE will need to provide their care. His grandmother keeps stating she can't afford to pay anyone (fiancé says otherwise).
You see it as the complete opposite.
What happened to your fiance's mother?
How long have you and he been in a relationship? - you've been engaged for one year, you have two "little" kids whose custody you share with their father, I'm just wondering what your fiance's circumstances were before everything went downhill and whether he's ever been free of his family. In short, I suppose, what have you got yourself into?!
It sounds, very approximately, as though grandmother was running the show but in the last few years has gradually become unable to maintain control of a household with older, manic depressive twins in it. Fiance is being appointed her successor. How that fits with being a good husband and even more to the point a safe stepfather... well, does it fit?
Yes, grandmother has been completely running the show to the point of being enabling with her two kids. When she was in the hospital she was very worried her son (fiance uncle) wouldnt eat or take his medicine. She was crying in the hospital worry about a grown man in his 60s. Fiance said that since his grandmother wasnt there, his uncle was actually doing much better (doing way more for himself and in better spirits)..he said it was like a different man.
This situation doesnt fit into my situation that I have. I love this man and he continues to say this is temporary, but I ask myself, is it really?
I’d start with the kids. When DH1 and I split, it became very clear that I could not live up to the ‘mum’s taxi’ expectation and ferry them all over the place to activities. Unless you are the type of parent who thinks they can be Olympic stars, kids grow up OK with a decent school and one or two activities that happen locally. DH1 and I did a shared care arrangement that meant I had them Monday and Tuesday nights, he had them Wednesday and Thursday nights (which meant I could travel interstate for the normal times of meetings) and we alternated weekends (which of course were always in a block of five days with one parent or another). It also meant that one parent always did a particular activity.
If you are on more or less OK terms with your ex, you could meet and agree a more reasonable set of activities and travel for the children. Before you shriek that your kids shouldn’t suffer, just remember that it’s just what BF is doing now. OK so one daughter didn’t do ballet – but she’s now too tall for it anyway, and it doesn’t seem to have ruined her life. It’s a different time/life issue, but it’s NOT irrelevant. Sacrificing yourself unnecessarily in a difficult situation is NOT a good idea.
Simplifying your own life for the better, puts you in a less stressed position to expect BF to do the same. If you can do it, so can he.
Moving on to the relationship, I was single from about 30 to 50, when I met my dear DH2. In the meantime I had various relationships and learned a lot about different men with different ideas and skills. I’ve now been married to DH2 for over 20 years, and we are very happy together (in spite of flood, fire but no famine). I worked out that brains, commonsense and practicality was what I needed in a partner – pity about no artistic or literary interest. He found out what mattered to him – and brains and temper control were far more important than he first thought.
I’m sure that you have a fair bit of love for BF now. Love is the easy bit, in fact. Respect is more difficult, and more important.
Don’t get stuck in a bad situation because you can’t see a way out. There is a way out, for BF. And for you, with or without BF. Love Margaret
He will need to 1) see he chose to step in, 2)that he is not powerless 3) he can plot his way out *if & when he wants to*.
Once he is unstuck, he can start building his life with you.
The big questions are:
How long will this take him?
How long are you willing to wait?
Sometimes love is not enough. We have to move forward on our own path & sometimes our speed does not match those around us. They may need to stand for a while.. or take a turn for a different path. You will build the life you want - he will join you if he can.
The future is unclear right now, like a dark night - but the stars will come out eventually.
You can cohabit for emotional needs until it gets too bad. Easier to leave without a marriage
I agree with cohabitating for emotional needs until it becomes too much. It feels like too much now, but I still love him and am not ready to end it.
I don't think you have a caregiving problem; I think you have a relationship problem with your fiance.
You said: "I'll add this in, we got engaged a year ago and right after that was when things seemed to go downhill with his family." I personally find the timing of that rather convenient. Could it be that he had an inkling about how fast things were going to get bad, and figured the best way to "hold on" to your relationship was with a proposal?
You also don't want to be perceived as being selfish ("then I get the "who wouldn't help their family" from him and then I feel like such a horrible person.") That's a clever statement with no good answer...designed to make you feel guilty if 1) you ask him to not help his family and 2) you say no when he tries to rope you into doing more for his.
If it were just 97 year old grandma with ongoing health issues, I might tell you to stay the course if you really love this man. The law of averages would be on your side, if you catch my drift. But dad in his 60's with mental health issues? Is that really the course you want to chart with this man? I speak from very personal experience here, just living with someone with mental health issues is EXTREMELY difficult, never mind being their caregiver. Often times, you're walking around on eggshells in your own home, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, however innocent, that sets the person off. Please heed me here: this is not something I could even fathom doing with small children living in the home.
The only advice I am going to give to you is to ask yourself, honestly, with as little emotion as you can, is this relationship- is this MARRIAGE - going to be worth the difficulties that are going to go along with it? And not difficulties just for you, but for your CHILDREN who are your primary responsibility. Because of all of the advice you're going to receive, that is the question you need answer first, before you try to solve any of your fiance's caregiving issues.
I really, sincerely, wish you nothing but the best. I hope you can find an answer to this that you can be at peace with.
I feel caught in a really bad spot, where I know this situation isn’t sustainable but where I still love him. I just feel like I’m second fiddle and it hurts, but at same time I feel selfish.
I decided to start focusing more on my kids/self and see what Happens with the relationship. I’m going to get my doctorate degree and branch out more with friends but I know this will take me away from the relationship. It just feels so painful right now.
A 60 year old mentally ill is not. This is now 40 years, 4 decades moving forward possibly, of care.
Going to first recommend a book, a memoir by a woman who tried EVERYTHING including dozens of caregivers and social workers to deal with her mentally ill Mom. She didn't live with this woman once she was grown, yet her life was held prisoner by her until she died eventually in a shelter.
Liz Scheirer's memoir is called Never Simple.
After you read this book you may have some decisions to make.
It's already clear to you what your Fiance's decision are. It may be getting close to time for you to make some of your own for yourself and your already here family.
You should also discuss the future if you continue living together; would he ever want to move any of these elders he feels so responsible for into your home? Where YOUR children (not his) are living?
You cannot change others. You can only make decisions for your own life.
Things here are not going to get better. They are only going to get worse.
In all truth, love is grand. However, it doesn't overcome all of this, and likely won't. Your husband basically "has" a primary family already, and so do you, and those primary families are not really going to be a good fit joined together IMHO. I think your post indicates you already recognize that.
Only you can make decisions for your own life. I needn't remind you that the lives of your children depend upon them being the right decisions. I sure wish you luck. This is a tough one.
Your fiance is busy making so many excuses for why he 'had to' pick up his family members from the ER b/c he 'was told to do so' that he has no time left over for you & your kids & a life together. With THAT many elders to take care of, how does he even have time left over for HIMSELF? He obviously also has trouble with the word No and/or setting down boundaries to make his life (and your life) manageable. As long as he's there for all these elders he's caring for, he's not there for you and your kids. #Truth.
It's now up to you to either be my half-sister or take a different road. If it's okay with you to play second fiddle to all these elders your fiance is busy caring for, then go for it. If not, then seriously think about what you're getting into, both emotionally AND financially, since you make mention of taking up the slack with the finances too. And with your 'crazy busy' schedule you keep mentioning, how is it you have time for your own life and your kids as well as your fiance and his issues?
It sounds like the two of you have scheduling issues to really work on before either of you can commit to a life together. There are only 24 hours in each day for all of us. The time that's spent on a job isn't coming back to anyone. Nobody's tombstone ever said I wish I spent more time at work before I died. Perhaps you need to reevaluate how many hours you spend at work, and your fiance needs to reevaluate how many hours he spends on elder care so you can meet in the middle somewhere and build a life together, that includes mostly the two of you and the kids.
It's no wonder you're overwhelmed. I would be too, faced with the lifestyle you both lead.
It's time for a change before both of you wind up sick and in the hospital yourselves, God forbid. Then what? Then who takes care of all these elders and/or the children?
Wishing you the best of luck.
However there is a major clash with my fiancés situation and me/kids. It’s hard for a retired person to take on what he’s doing let alone someone that has 20 years left of work.
We are at the earlier stages of a relationship: wanting to plan a wedding etc but everything is on hold and honestly I can’t see it happening now.
you’re right we need our own lives and for the first few years of our relationship we had that. We would go for weekends away, bike all the time, skiing, etc. but once this happened it’s been priority and I don’t think we have made any real long term plans since. We’ve been engaged for a year and still no plans due to the main focus being his elders. He needs a break too. I feel completely frustrated tbh; and I would never put my own kids through this when I age (one of the reasons I want to keep a good job to ensure I have the means to pay for my own care).
One knows that when one decides to marry, one is marrying into his/her family.
The rest is luck:
In how many years will MIL and FIL need help. Elderly family members? Every couple that gets married, knows this will be a topic.
The more you love the person, the more you’ll try to make it work - no matter what.
Married couples go through all sorts of stuff. Weak bonds break. You’re not married yet.
Life maybe threw this as a test. How much do you love him? How much are you willing to keep looking for solutions, together with him? Or give up, walk away?
Marriage is a promise, through tough times and good times.
Taking a break? That means abandoning him exactly when he needs help to figure out solutions.
Your fiance can have the 'I can't do this anymore' conversation with grandma to kingdom come. She will simply ignore him and will continue to ignore the conversation as long as he remains her care plan and the solution to the family's caregiving needs.
If he stops being at her beck and call and stops asking 'how high?' every time she says jump, at some point grandma is going to get the message that her grandson meant it when he said he couldn't do it anymore.
Your man needs to leave grandma, father, and uncle to their own devices for a while. I guarantee if he gives it a few weeks they will suddenly become very reasonable to whatever care plans he suggests.
Your fiancee has options but he is frozen in place by how he thinks different solutions will be received by his charges, by what others will think of him, and his own personal prison of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
He doesn't know/wish to create healthy boundaries because he has a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with these relatives. He's been in it all his life.
Options for him can include (but no limited to):
- resigning PoA for his uncle (you don't give a lot of details like age or conditiion of this person and why he needs a caregiver so it is difficult to come up with viable suggestions since he also lives in the same house).
- moving Gramma to a good facility for her own good. If she's crying "all the time" this can be a symptom of dementia. As her PoA, your fiancee should take her in for a cognitive/memory test so that his PoA is active and then he calls the shots. She needs medication that would address the crying and anxiety.
- regarding his father... is he schizophrenic? Depressed? Bipolar? What's his issue that he can't be responsible for his own life? He could maybe be transitioned into a group home setting and have a case worker involved.
- Your fiancee could resign all of his PoAs and call APS to report all of them as vulnerable adults and let the county acquire guadianship of all of them. They will be managed by the guardian and he can continue having a family relationship with them and none of the baggage. It won't be an easy or nice process and may take a while. But it is still an option.
Not including hands-on care, just managing the finances and medical stuff for 3 people is way too much work. It is absolutely unrealistic and unsustainable for someone who is not retired.
So, he has some decisions to make and actions to take if he values his own life and a future with you and yours.
You and your family are not a priority, and may never be, if he doesn't make significant changes. It doesn't matter what he says -- it matter what he does to show you're #1 in his life.
He isn't responsible for their happiness. He can't fix them. He shouldn't be their only solution/enabler. They are adults who had their entire lives to figure out their care but instead chose to "assume" him into a life of relentless servitude -- and they obviously don't care how it wrecks him. You need to put up boundaries and stop being his only solution/enabler. I know what I'd do if I were you. May you receive much clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in your heart.
Dad has a diagnosis of manic depression and very impulsive. If he's fine he can take care of the basics...grocery shopping etc. But he is very unstable. When he was recently in the hospital fiancé had POA due to his father not even knowing who he was/where he was for almost a week. He snapped out of this delirium, yet its unknown when/if this will happen again and if he will need further care outside of the home.
The only positive regarding the finances of all three is that they all live together and basically one unit. His dad has been the one to drive gma and uncle to the appointments. The problem is if/when dad is unable to drive and continue to do this. Dad also can not manage doctors, etc so fiancé has to be the one to speak with the medical professionals.
The way that fiancé sees it, he has no other choice but to care for them. He sees it as me being selfish that I don't understand this. He also said "if I were your family you would do the same". I said I do the same...yet its for my kids... and wish that he would view my children in the same way (if that makes sense).
You will have no future if this situation remains as it is. This should be a time when you are spending time as a family, nurturing your own children, and securing your own financial future.
He is letting his family dictate how you both will live your life and impact your own kids and future.
The only option is to stop. Regardless of what they think, they need paid care or to be in a facility. If he can't make this happen, I would take a break as this could be your long-term future.