Dad was military with all that comes with it and now has Alz. I spent 3 yrs getting my parents moved here with me but was totally unprepared for the reality. No one has ever been in authority over my dad unless they outranked him, which I do not. 2 Drs have diagnosed and told him he can't drive but they are both just idiots and he continues. I finally hid the car keys but he went into a rage and I was scared and gave them back. It's crazy, I'm a grown woman why do I get so scared?? I've spoken with lawyer, sheriff, city police and state police who all say I have no right to stop him but all responsibility if he does. Last psych said, and I quote, "you just have to do it. It isn't fair but there it is. You just have to." My mom has issues too from being 81 and loaded with zoloft to deal and thinks we are all just blowing the whole thing out of proportion. She thinks he is fine, just old, regardless of 2 Drs diagnosis. She is also afraid of his rage and will not go against him. Their home in another state has not sold and he announced yesterday that he is going back there alone. I don't know what to do. I have an older sister who works full time and is still recovering from divorce and a younger brother who is trying to get dad to go back because he gets money from him. There has to be a better answer than just do it. We have never talked to dad about the diagnosis because he would be embarrassed and immediately leave. Should I sit down with him? He has never ever listened to anyone, no one ever tells him no, so what good would it do but cause a fight? My sister says let him go and if he gets in a wreck then we deal with it. Okay fine, but what if he takes out another family? I could not deal with the guilt.
If anybody has any ideas I would greatly appreciate it.
I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if she killed anyone while behind the wheel, so I contacted the state in pursuit of her license. It took a while (because of Covid & state staffing), but it finally was suspended and am very happy. Mom isn’t, and hopes “the person who took her license away burns in hell“.
All this to say, sinking, that it is a situation where you have to take control. Dad will be mad, but you can’t let that stop you you from doing the right thing.
Praying for encouragement and peace As you journey through this.
It sounds like mom and dad need to be elsewhere, such as assisted living. Not just for their age-related issues but so they have their own place. Your father might hate living with you because it's not HIS house. If it's not his house, then he isn't in control. And he will yell, threaten, do whatever it takes to establish dominance. He'll take charge of the home, one way or another. I imagine he's got some deep-seated issues, but that's a whole other area.
I feel for your Mom. How awful to be married to someone so long whom she is afraid of... anything to avoid his anger. Like a lot of women her age, she was raised to just tough it out and divorce was wrong. My grandparents were a lot like this. Married almost 70 years and their anger at one another kept them alive for decades! Grandmother stayed mad even after grandpa died!
As others have already said: Take keys away, and the minute he loses it, call 911. He won't like that, but there isn't much option. He'll be mad no matter what you do if it means he can't drive. Meds to take the edge off the anger can be a big help, without sedating him.
I know nothing about military benefits, but he can get care through the VA, right? Maybe a fellow military doctor can examine him and explain why he can't drive. It often happens that an elder will NOT hear of it when their children tell them to stop driving... but when a neutral third party or doctor tells them not to drive anymore, they give up the keys! My grandfather insisted he could drive even after he very nearly ran over a woman walking on the sidewalk with her baby in a stroller. Not long after he had an eye exam and the doctor said "You're not still driving, are you? It's not safe." Keys relinquished and car sold, no problem.
I'll second Barb... If you have weapons in the house, get rid of them. Let another friend or family member keep them in their home, if you don't want to sell them. My grandfather wasn't violent, but as his dementia increased the more ornery and delusional he became. He had some revolvers and shotguns. We'd planned to just unload them, but then he started calling police because there were 'people dancing in the yard and up the trees'. He also thought people were looking in the windows. We feared he'd be outside with a shotgun, and the cops won't know it's unloaded. He stayed mad about that until the day he died, but at least he died naturally and not because a cop had no choice but to fire.
Disable his car. If he rages about that, have it towed to a shop.
And remember, call 911 at next rage. If he ends up in hospital due to illness or injury, refuse to take him back.
Article from Aging Care:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.agingcare.com/articles/amp/112307
Are you POA? If not you are helpless. If so then you should act in his best interest. That may include placement against his will, which may include the need for guardianship.
I am uncertain why you took him into your home. I would make it clear to both parents that it is not working for you and your family and that they will have to leave, that you will support them in finding placement.
As to guilt, please use the appropriate G work which is grief, rather than guilt. You are not a felon. You are a family member attempting to do your best against impossible odds.
I hope as well as you that your father will not injure others. I would go to the DMV and report him, and ask them what you should do. They may suspend the license and call him in for an exam, which of course he is unlikely to ACE.
I wish you good luck. Your mother has allowed this man to turn her life into ruin and a need for medication to deal. I hope you will not do the same. That choice must be yours. Start by telling your parents that within the next six months it is necessary for you to find placement for them, or to assist them in finding placement, or WHATEVER, but that in any case they cannot continue to live with you.
None of this with your father will improve. He is an unfortunate combo of who he is by nature and who he is with dementia added. You will need to save yourself.
I think you need to get yourself to an eldercare attorney and clarify what your responsibilities are if your dad has been "declared" by 2 physicians.
What kind of "responsibility" do these folks think you have? Are you dad's guardian?
"You just have to do it"? Take the keys, the psych means? Yes, you do. And call 911 when he rages.
Is your father physically violent? Does he have access to weapons?
Have you considered getting an involunatary psychiatric commitment the next time he goes into a rage? It very much sounds as though he needs medication to help control his rages.
I think you would benefit from reading a book called "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. Would you consider some individual therapy to help you through this rough time?