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I just read the other posts, including the additional info you provided, missmel....first of all, you have not failed. I understand why you may think you have, though. I think it must be a common trait in children with a parent who has a mental illness. I, also, have spent years blaming myself for every thing that goes wrong for my mom. The truth is, neither of us have "failed". We are in what feels like a no-win situation. We cannot be blamed for this. We have a severely flawed system that falls far short of meeting the needs of people in this predicament. So please do not blame yourself. It's like being given a job to do, but only given one quarter of the tools necessary to do it with. The only time we "fail" is when we do not care. Obviously, you care a great deal, and you always have.

Your mom never said she loved you.....and you know what? Neither did mine. I cannot remember a single time in my childhood when my mom ever acted loving toward me. But don't believe that the love doesn't exist, because it does, I assure you. Some people are completely incapable of showing any form of affection whatsoever. I don't know why, but I do know that you and I both have experienced this from our own moms. It was hard (if not impossible) for me to form bonds with other women. Took me years. How could I, when the primary nurturer in my life never showed me how that's done? I got through all this, and so will you.

Now that I know more of what you're dealing with, I can see that my first post was premature and not of any help. The other people posting here all have awesome advice.

I just want you to know that you're not alone, this is not your fault, you are not responsible for your mother's happiness (only she can take that responsibility) and you will get through this and come out the other side ok. But you must take care of you and put yourself first for a change.
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Consult her physician who has the medical history with her including her psychiatrist or neurologist. Have them refer you or her to geriatric psychiatrist.

Also speak with the NH. Typically they can't just discharge your mom without her having a care plan if she is not competent. That said....they will pressure YOU and family to take her. Don't. Refuse their calls and refuse to assume discharge and responsibility.

They can consult with local behavioral center, etc. to find suitable placement. There are limited geriatric psych care facilities and they may not be located near where she lives or near family, but at least they exist and you have choices. I've heared to always visit and get references as some are better than others.

Sorry you and your mom are going thru yet another crisis. You both need help, and mom will get what she needs. If you take charge, the system will continue to dump on you just to get her out of their system...don't take her, is my advice otherwise the entire onus is on you to secure care for her and you need more help at this point.
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@ sunflo - that is what I experienced. Only when I was suffering PTSD attacks, was in tears and saying I could not do this any longer did the "system" step in. In our system, the stress of the caregiver is factored in - not too soon, I might add.

@missmel - your mother needs professional mental health care, and a geriatric psychiatrist. As sunflo says, as long as you accept her back the system will continue to dump her on you. Be firm that you can no longer deal with her. I have found that social workers will try to palm things off on you. Don't accept that. My mother never said she loved me either. Due to her disorder, she is incapable of normal love. It is something I have had to accept, and grieve for the mother I needed and never had.
Keep in touch and do something good for you today. ((((((hugs)))))
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@ shakingdustoff: I too believe in the sanctity of life from the moment of conception to the last natural breath. The key word here is "natural". I was not at any time alluding to euthanasia as some have misconstrued. I just do not believe in the artificial concept of keeping someone going through medication or other artificial means. Re your Mother's soul, that is between her and her God. It is not for us to intervein with our wishes & beliefs. No matter how well ment. My heart goes out to you. May you find strength to allow Gods will.
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yet another issue, NH called me yesterday and said come get your mom we can;t help her . Well I was on my way to work and said I can't .I decided to contact my attorney to find out what my rights were for my mom. I found out that by laugh the nh can not kick her out. They have to have written documation that shows the issues and why they cant take or help her. They told me to take her to the state hosp which is three hours away.one way. they said you have to take her not us. So after contacting my attorny I called them back but they refused to talk to me. They also told me that morning that my mom was refusing to eat or take her meds. That was a lie. They have not been giving her meds to her at times if she is asleep they leave them on the table and most times they are gone when she wakes up. I have called and reported them so will see. I lived two hours away so I can;t just pop in but try once a week. My attorney said if I sigh her out that it becomes my problem so that is why the nh is pushing for me to do it so they dont have to. Wow what a bunch of garbage . They are suppose to be helping me and now all it is , is misery on my part. I am afraid now what else I will find out
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There has got to be a better place for you Mom. Sounds like minimal care & no caring. In the mean time try to just keep going & don't let them beat you down. Have faith.
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so here we go again. I got a call yesterday at work informing me from the director of the nh that my mom HAD to leave by 6:00 pm. I told them I was not and could not get her . He said I had to I told her i had rights and they could not kick her out, THat started a war, so I had to call the attorney in tears wondering what was I going to do. Then I had to call the dept of aging and the ombudsmanand they were out in no time. The nursing hime said my my tried to hurt herself and so that is why she had to go which was a lie she never did.They sent her to the hosp which in turn sent her back which mad the nh furious. Now they are sitting around laughing at her and making fun of her, I dont live close to check in on her so I am afraid of what they are going to do to her.The director laughed at me on the phone when I said I was calling my attorney she said bring it on. Needless to say they are pissed at me and my mom and her care is being harmed. My understanding if they cant take care of her then they need to find a place for her. This is making me sick I cant sleep eat, you name it. Any advice
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Missmel, I do not have any advice except to tell you that your post makes me so sad and angry because we are going though something very similar.

Now they are sitting around laughing at her and making fun of her - really? Can you not take calls for a while and send someone else in to check on her? Maybe even the attorney.

Hugs to you!!!
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I understand your frustration...but it would be best for you and your mother if you try to calm the situation. Do you really want to stay, where you and your mother are not welcome? Here is a thought...pursue a mental health facility and take the steps to have her placed there...1) you should feel relieved that your mother will be getting the proper care from people who are trained and accustomed to handling such patients...2) inform the NH that you are pursuing a mental health facility. This should reduce or stop the elevated tone (threats) from the NH...3) It will quite possibly ensure better attention and care of your mother while she is still at the NH. 4) A mental health facility is the correct place for your mother. Placing her in such a facility should stop this ongoing grind of seeking out new NHs and then fighting with them later when they have had enough.

I would assume that you haven't had the time, with your job etc., to pursue a mental health facility and/or don't want to since it may be further away for you to visit...but you have said she has "major mental health issues" and "is abusive". A nursing home is not the right place for her. It has also been a revolving door of placing her in various nursing homes. STOP THE CYCLE. Aren't you tired? Don't you think you and your mother deserve better, than waiting for the next shoe to drop (the next NH to eject her) Put an end to it once and for all. Take time off of your job...investigate mental health facilities and get her appropriate care in an appropriate facility and hopefully that will stop this cycle. Do it for your mother...do it for you and your mental health. Set that as your goal and actively pursue it immediately. Say...'Enough!' and make some major changes that will bring improvement to your life and your mothers'. Take the bull by the horns and get some things done...permanently.

Good luck...I wish you peace and hope you seek-out a better solution than getting mad, sick, not eating etc. Stop dancing with nursing homes...pursue a mental health facility. That is the right thing to do.
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Mismell. I am sorry to hear of
The difficulty you are having.
I find it very unacceptable the
nursing homes attitude and care.
I feel we are getting close to neglect and abuse and the making of false medical reports.
In my state, such an incident
Would prompt the state to
Issue an emergency order on
The whole facility, which would
also include a hold on all state
Medicade payments.

Has the ombudsman or the state
Given you any direction, the same
with your attorney.

I wish both you and your mom well.
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unfortunately things have not gotten better. The staff thinks its a joke now and making fun of my mom, laughing and caring on about her an talking loud about it. SHe heard them say just wait we will get rid of her yet. I also found out that they on many nights have only had one staff member there with 30 plus people, I was told they have at least two, but most nights just one is there, how can that be safe.This I had to call my attorney on friday as the director threaten to kick my mom out and then the ombudsman sent someone out to investigate. THis place was is horrible, they advertise that its new is is so wonderful, but I have seen abuse when I have been there, and I did report it. I am afraid of how this is going to turn out. I fear for my mom and the others in this plae.
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