OMG. My mother's gossip about ME! Has anyone else been through this?

CTTN5:

Thank you, CTTN5, and your points are both excellent, too.

You need to get her doctor to diagnose, have POA and proxy etc... before Mom's condition gets worse....

Heather10: "It's sad that in our society that abused young children have at least minimal protection, abused elderly have minimal protection, but an abused adult child has no protection and is often further abused by the system."

Really good point, Heather! The system expects the adult child to take care of the mother, no matter the past history of the parent toward that child. Working conditions that were outlawed hundreds of years ago can be expected of the adult caregiver.

Scout I feel for you. Im in a similar situation. Icouldnt deal with it anymore, so I left her. It hurts having sacrifised more than 10 yrs of my life serving my parents both and now my mother not only appreciates, but she accuses me of many things, she is hostile. When I try to make a conversation she seems lost in her thoughts, she keeps on starting from the same point. She s slipping away and dont listen to me. I feel guilty, I m sorry for her seeing her helpless, I dont know what to do. 

Scout:

If your mother was always infantile, mean, spiteful, competitive with you, triangulated among siblings or relatives, it is likely NOT dementia.

It is likely Narcissistic Personality disorder.

Please research NPD. You will likely have an "aha" moment. There is no cure for NPD.

Not all elderly people have dementia. I have met people in their 90s, who do not.

NPD often resembles dementia. The clue that it is NPD is that she has always been this way.

Many children of NPD parents think they will mellow. But they do not. They get worse.

Also, this woman WILL ruin your marriage. Do not doubt this. I have many clients who have gotten divorced shortly after moving an elderly NPD parent into their home.

Keep careful records of anything you spend your mother's money on.

Other heirs can ask the POA for an accounting of expenditures, and anything that looks suspicious in any way will be questioned.

Sometimes and expenditure for her, if not carefully documented, can look suspicious.

So, document everything.  Keep receipts, etc.

In addition, sometimes a clueless, but well meaning relative will report a caregiver to the elder protective services, based on the malicious gossip you have described, and a nasty investigation will ensue.

It's sad that in our society that abused young children have at least minimal protection, abused elderly have minimal protection, but an abused adult child has no protection and is often further abused by the system.

If your mother has always exhibited these character traits, you have likely been abused your entire life.

Disgusted too:

I do not disagree with you. My first response was to indicate that mine is different situation. Although I have dealt with and understand dementia my Point being was to give suggestions that be of benefit. I don’t disagree that mom may best be served I. A facility that is better equipped to handle these issues, however obviously that is not happening right now. So in the meantime it is best to a) protect yourself legally by writing everything down and communicating whether mom is able comprehend or not at least you have something in writing. And what’s so wrong with making sure you take care of yourself doesn’t matter what type of caregiving you do it can be draining and wether it’s through a support group, church, meditation whatever if you don’t take care of yourself it’s hard to take care and be there for someone else. I choice not to live angry and burdened and have learned to let things go I can’t nor can anyone change the other person, but damn if I will allow them to bring me down to their level. I choose to be happy in this world and it is a choice for me. As for mom there is a lot more going on than what’s on the profile so I Amy understand a little more than you think just because I choose not to be a victim does not mean I don’t deal with issues too. This is why I don’t post to this thing everyone is always criticizin . Good luck to you I hope you find a solution you can be happy with.

PAPER TRAIL, PAPER TRAIL, PAPER TRAIL - forget abut what she says even though it is hurtful rather make sure you have a clean paper trail - I even use a separate bank for mom to help keep things straight

When she says these sort of thing [record this!] so that when she says you spent $300.00 a month on yourself ask her to prove it ... that's her part of the groceries!! - just because money is alotted to you don't cringe rather make sure you can account for it at a reasonable level - sometimes you need to be strict with them because they are a 3 year old in a 90ish body

I am struggling with my mother's outlandish accusations as well. Even though I know she's being paranoid and ridiculous, it's so hurtful.

I struggle with it. I can go months just ignoring it, but it seems to compile in my brain and when I am at the limit of frustration, it fuels my resentment.

I don't have any advice, but be glad you caught it early on. At least you won't be blindsided finding out about accusations later or caught off-guard trying to defend yourself at some point.

It's another emotionally draining part of trying to help and care for someone who is losing control over so many aspects of their own life. I'm trying to have compassion, but it's so hard because it complicates trying to care for them.

I hope you find a way to deal with this. It's been helpful for me to vent and find others dealing with similar situations here. But I haven't found a practical solution for dealing with the emotional drain or the ways that ridiculous accusations make it harder to manage caring for my parents. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. 💕

When I needed to run the issue with my mom by someone today, I was so grateful you all are here.... that's what it's for!

A support group is not meant nor supposed to “fix” your loved one or your situation. It is supposed to help US deal with the wide array of situations that arise. And everyone’s suggestions are valid, no matter the type or degree of challenges they face. That’s simply my point.

Yes, my mother does this, but hasn’t accused me of money, my mother just says negative things about me to other family members, neighbors in our community etc. My mother only has cognitive impairment when she has a UTI. Her response when I ask her why she does this, is when she has nothing to say to the people she’s talking to, she talks about me. Isn’t that nice?

Never Implied support groups or the idea of relying on one should be shut down. They have their place in all this. I did say that I prefer THIS one as it suits my time availability. Sometimes my answers/comments must wait as I deal with the latest disaster. All the support in the world is not going to get paperwork and financials, doctor visits, etc done for me! I do NOT have the time to spare to 1) find one, if it even exists in my area (not likely) and 2) go there on a regular basis.

My point is although a support group may help you personally get through difficult times, it is NOT going to address the real issues that Scout and others have. You cannot really "control" someone with dementia (if you know how, please share with us!!!) In some cases you can redirect or refocus them. Sometimes you can provide an "illusion" of control, such as telling them they can "go home" when they are better. But if you look up Scout's previous thread, is she really going to have time for a support group (other than this one)? She has her hands full with a young family, a full time job, a mother who cannot perform simple tasks such as bathing and toileting, can or will not feed herself with provided food, cannot follow instructions or remember from one minute to the next AND selling mom's house in addition to everything else she does for mom and the family. In Scout's case, the best solution would be to get mom into some kind of care facility and then perhaps seek out support groups, if this one isn't enough for her!

CantDance;

My parents and mother's sisters' families did take care of our grandmother, taking turns for several months at a time, when she was no longer safe to be at a home alone. I ABSOLUTELY agree that one has to admire those who can do this. Were our mother of similar disposition and needs, perhaps I would have taken her in for a while at least. My recollection of them caring for grandmother did not seem to be very bad - she could still get around on foot, no walking aids, fed herself, presumably could bathe, etc, because she never smelled bad. Most of them lucked out though - the other sisters' families were grown and gone, my older brother and I were in college, younger brother home, so it was not "bad." She also passed away about 40 years ago, so mom would have been about 54, dad 52 - so when they retired, they had a ball!!! Snow geese with place in FL, trips to Europe and wherever else they wanted to go, get-togethers in FL and back at home with family and friends, eating out, shopping, visiting, just all around good old time!!! MANY years of good times! Even the sisters had places in FL and had a nice retirement with all the above mentioned doings.

You say/ask:"
"It's not uncommon for people now to survive well into their 80s and 90s, long after their caretaking children start drawing Social Security themselves! What does this mean for the quality of life for the caretaking children?"

Yup, mom will be 95 this year. I am retired on SS. Older brother is also on SS, but is also working to take in more income. Younger brother has 10 more years to go... What irks ME, is that the older one is not local, so he can only help out when he comes up a few times/year (better than nothing.) The other one, we have trouble getting him to respond to text messages! I am going to focus a bit on him, because by the time he retires, most likely mom will be gone (she is the last of that generation.) So HE will get to enjoy retirement and do what it is HE wants to do!!! HE won't have a mom to handle affairs for!!! Meanwhile, it would be nice to have you do some of this stuff (although he is the only other DPOA, he does not manage his own affairs properly, so I don't trust him with mom's finances!) I *DO* need some relief, and SOON!!!

I am not "stuck at home with Mom or Dad", but in an earlier post I listed most of the other things I must handle and it IS time-consuming (neither brother has any "duty" at this time.) Even worse are the "unplanned" issues, like the melt downs... I had scaled back a lot already, but now I don't even bother making a little daily to-do list as I know something will take my time away before I can tackle that small list (it is not even the BIG issues that need tackling here - those are on hold for now!) I do not care about traveling, but it would be nice to have time to visit my one and only grandchild!!!! So far a handful of visits to this now 2 1/2 year old!!! My older brother goes on and on about his "Molly", but it is his wife's grandchild, not his... Well, she loves me and I love her... sure dude, but when do I get to share those good times/love with MY grandchild???? CLUELESS THEY ARE! I find it to be more like we're struggling to manage our own LIVES rather than just medical issues. I will likely die of a massive stroke or heart attack if I have to deal with much more!!!

"My sister and I both offered to care for Mom in our own homes ( in my case against my better judgment)."

Here Here!!! Knowing full well that maximum of four hours would be exceeded in the case of her living with me, I, like you, multiple times offered that against better judgement. The minimum was 10 minutes... kind of difficult to share a home with someone if you have to leave after 10 minutes!!!

"Thank goodness Mom refused." LUCKY YOU!!!

Thankfully for our mother, even with the dementia, she refused to move anywhere, insisting (adamant!) that she was fine, independent, could cook - none of the above applied!!! We (they - I stayed away that day!) had to use subterfuge to make the move...

"For the sake of health and sanity, thank goodness for assisted living options!"

And for us, thankfully mom and dad were good savers and we (me) took care to stash that away in a trust so that she CAN live in a nice place!!! Hopefully it will last (if government doesn't melt down and destroy all our hard earned savings again!) and if the condo sells, that will buy us some more time (and hands-on help that will surely increase the cost soon enough!)

So, agreed, it is great if one can take care of one's parents in a reasonable way AND it would be nice to have some quality of life while performing whatever duties are required to ensure that care, whether it be in home or in a facility.

DISGUSTEDTOO AND CTTN55,

Although I understand where you are coming from and your experience, I think ODAT1993’s advice should not be shut down!

“The illusion of control” could definitely help many caregivers to deal with the very difficult situations that arise from caring for a loved one that makes everything difficult and that doesn’t want to relinquish control.

Not because a person hasn’t had to clean up a disaster on the floor is not qualified to come up with ideas to care for a loved one. Plus, you don’t know really what everyone here has gone trough and is going through as we speak. Plus, keep in mind that for many it is ten times more manageable to clean up after someone, than to deal with their mental unbalance!

As of support groups, this is a form of support group! And many, including myself would have a much more challenging time getting through each day if this didn’t exist. They might not be able to come clean up after your loved one, but I’m sure you feel more supported in your journey having this place to come to, and get the advice of many people here that have no other incentive to help than the simple fact that they can relate. Pure generosity coming from experience!

Years ago, my 90 year old grandma told the deputy sheriff that my dad had taken her to the Platte River (Nebraska) and left her in the middle of the river to drown. Well, at that time, the Platte River was almost dry--you could walk on the river bed without getting your feet wet—there was no way that my grandma could have drown unless she laid down and put her face in a mud puddle.

Scout, I agree with your estate attorney when he said that you need to be very careful how you manage everything even though you have Durable POA for your mother. He is correct that your mother can be considered legally competent and if she ever starts making accusations, that you could be in trouble legally and that it could take a court to straighten it out at your expense.

That is what happened to me. Mom and I became roommates after Dad died in December 2007. In April 2017, Mom started to complain of back pain and was admitted to the hospital. Within 48 hours, she went from being mostly independent to being unable to do anything for herself. Two weeks later, Mom was moved to a LTC facility for Rehab (physical, occupational and speech therapy) paid by Medicare. After 3 months, Mom’s therapy ended and she became a private pay resident. That’s when the trouble really began.

All summer Mom cried or got upset whenever I visited or talked to her on the phone. The nursing staff was great. They understood that I wasn't causing Mom to cry or get upset and they were able to calm Mom down after my visits or phone calls. At times Mom was completely rational. She could tell you how many bushels of corn had been harvested the past few years and the price of corn for each year. The next minute she was talking about taking “the white bus to heaven”, about the people who got off the bus in heaven, and how it wasn’t her time because she had returned to the nursing home on “the white bus from heaven”. She also accused my brother and me of gambling away our two family farms and her house (that she and I lived in.)
When someone (Social Service staff??) started to talk to Mom about how she was going to pay for her stay at the nursing home, Mom freaked out. Neither Mom nor the Social Service staff talked to me about making arrangements to pay Mom’s LTC bill even though I had been living with Mom and had been helping her pay bills for 9 years. (My brother and I had made arrangements with the LTC business office regarding payments earlier that summer.)

The next thing I know I receive a letter revoking my Durable POA and naming our family lawyer as Mom’s Durable POA instead. I had to hire a lawyer from a different law firm who petitioned for guardianship and conservatorship of Mom. The court appointed an “attorney ad litem” to represent Mom and then all of the meetings started. Luckily, I was able to show all of the lawyers where every penny of Mom’s money went. In December 2017, Mom’s attorney ad litem decided that Mom was just mad at me and my brother and that the financial situation was “a family matter” and “not a matter for the courts”. So the Court ordered that Revocation of my Durable POA and the appointment of a different POA were invalid and that the initial Durable POA naming me as Mom’s Durable POA (and POA Healthcare) was to remain in force. All of this legal wrangling has been hard on Mom, my brother and me. We all have experienced an increase in health problems. I am angry that we had to spend over $10,000 for no reason just because someone thought that Mom was competent because she could talk about bushels of corn and corn prices.

Mom was evaluated by a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner and diagnosed with “Severe Depression with Delusions” and “Beginning Dementia” related to the “sudden & unexpected” deaths of Mom’s 83 year old brother in March 2017 and 91 year old sister in April 2017. Mom has calmed down due to the medications prescribed by the Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner and has never talked to me about how we are going to pay for her stay at the LTC facility. She thinks that I live in________(fill in the state) and that my brother lives in Mom’s house and teaches school across the street from the LTC facility (he lives in another state and is not a teacher.) Everything has worked out in the end, but the price that we had to pay to keep me as Durable POA and POA Healthcare, to let me continue to live in the house, and to have Mom residing in a LTC Memory Care Unit was almost too much.

Sorry if my post was too long for anyone to read. So much happened the past 12 months that I wasn’t sure that I could write it in one or two short paragraphs.

CarolynCanada1;

"I relate, although I would sooner have hung my self than let my mother move into my home."

Well, I do not think I would go quite so drastic - as I mentioned in a post I decided against it because I knew one of us, likely me, would end up dead... An alternative would be to let mom move into your home, so long as you move out!!!! :-D

CTTN55;

I made that point as it *really* can drive home a visual... or rather visceral ... image... Support groups may be nice (this one is easier, I can check in on MY schedule, and don't have to get dressed to go!), but they just provide solace, a place to perhaps vent, and commiserate, perhaps giving some needed lessons in boundaries or what have you. They *DO NOT* take care of the *REAL* issues you have facing you at home!!!

What brought that to mind is something recent for me - although our mother is in MC (my choice, no way jose can I do this, brothers went along as there was no way they could do it), EVERYTHING else is on my plate - juggling finances (trust, regular account, special SS account), paying all bills for condo that still exists in trust, paying her "rent", filing multiple forms for various needs (despite DPOA, anything federal is NOT covered - they have their own "rules"), meetings, facility phone calls, collecting and scheduling tax filings, ordering/delivering supplies (mostly Rx, and yes, they could do it but it is WAY more expensive!), making/taking to doctor appointments, convincing her that she HAS to go!!, etc etc etc... I'm sure I have left out some things. After recent melt downs, had check for UTI - yup... however almost a week later she was STILL fit to be tied, trying to open doors for hours, setting off alarms, etc. I get phone calls and had to make multiple trips there to try to calm her. Had a multi-day running argument with the doc about getting anti-anxiety meds, and if my last message had not worked, I would have requested doc's home number so SHE could go calm mommy dearest down!! She relented, because too often this happens at night and/or on a weekend and doc is NOT available! I have pretty much hit that wall - thankful I do not have the hands on care, but the rest has taken over my existence, what little there was! I am going to have a chat with brothers while older bro is up here next week to help clear/clean out the rest of the condo so we can prep it for sale - either you boys take over some stuff, or I WILL QUIT and you will get it all!!!

Anyway, while venting at the facility with the nurse (delivering said medication), some woman visiting another resident asks if I have considered a support group.... I just looked at her... Seriously?? Sure lady, and are they going to take over all this crap, or are these meetings just going to take more of my time that I do not have???? AUGH! More when I comment on CantDance's post!!

I've always admired children who moved their elderly loved one in with them to care for them. Even when dementia isn't a factor, it must test the limits of endurance; helping with medications, transportation, helping with finances, dietary restrictions, personal care etc., especially when you're sandwiched between the elder parent and bringing up your own children. It's hard on a marriage, too.

But when dementia enters the picture with behavioral and personality changes, the burden can be overwhelming. It's not uncommon for people now to survive well into their 80s and 90s, long after their caretaking children start drawing Social Security themselves! What does this mean for the quality of life for the caretaking children?

It means stuck at home with Mom or Dad; nixing the traveling plans and visits to see grandchildren. Struggling to manage our own medical issues as we care for our parents.

Everyone has their own idea of appropriate elder care. Sometimes caring for Mom and/or Dad in our own homes works. But if this forum accurately depicts what eldercare at home is really like, I have to question it. My sister and I both offered to care for Mom in our own homes ( in my case against my better judgment). Thank goodness Mom refused. Even with the dementia, she recognized she couldn't easily exert control over her family in their own homes. And control, after all, is everything to Mom.

For the sake of health and sanity, thank goodness for assisted living options!

Nasty! I relate, although I would sooner have hung my self than let my mother move into my home. It can sometimes take awhile to get the diagnosis. Try and find a doctor who specializes in dementia. Family doctors seem reluctant to do so in my estimation. Had to wait to get one although it was very clear to anyone who met the old bat. Best of luck

" Support groups are not going to clean and disinfect the only bathroom they have EVERY DAY. "

EXCELLENT point, disgustedtoo!!!

I find that caregivers who take meds to cope, go to support groups, etc....while these can be good things, too often they just put a bandaid on the situation. The REAL solution for the caregiver's HEALTH would be to get the parent OUT of their house.

odat1993;

Your profile says you are living with your mom and she has mobility problems. So, it is clear that your situation IS VERY different. Sure, your mom might be difficult sometimes, maybe critical on occasion, and doing the care-giving certainly can wear one down, but from your post it does not sound like you understand Scout's issue. I read her previous thread, which describes a horrific situation (smearing poop all over their one and only bathroom would be enough for me!) This current post is just asking about the gossip and lies her mom is telling behind her back. If you only take what is said here, perhaps Scout could see her way around this and *try* to relish the time she has for her mom, let those lies slide and know that she is doing her best for mom, but you really need to read the other post before thinking your method would work.

This woman has some serious issues and needs to be moved OUT before she destroys the house and everyone in it! Support groups are not going to clean and disinfect the only bathroom they have EVERY DAY. Letting mom have some "control"? It sounds like mom has been trying her damnedest to HAVE that control! Communicate? Again, find the other thread Scout made - when Scout suggested in-home help, mom flatly refused. No discussion, no compromise. Just NO. Obviously mom already thinks she is in control and she needs to be moved out and exert control over others somewhere else! Whatever her underlying behavioral issue is, based on that other thread it seems obvious to most of us that this woman has dementia and needs to go yesterday.

Unless you have experienced REAL dementia, not just someone aging who feels they are not being given consideration or are not included in "controlling" their life, then you might better understand that communication and sharing of control just is not going to work. There are some with dementia who are/or become even *more* difficult, lashing out physically and emotionally. Dementia care-giving is NOT for the faint-hearted.

CTTN55;

"The thought of my mother living with me makes me sick to my stomach. Someone this weekend asked if my mother would be moving in with us, and i said I would probably be dead within 6 months if that happened."

I've stated this so many times for people!! I do not think I gave it 6 months, but did say that one or the other of us would end up dead and it would likely be ME!!! Never mind that I could not physically care for her... But yes, she was always so nicey-nice to everyone's face, family or friends, did not matter, but behind their backs? STAB STAB!!! I have so much garbage stored from things she has said about others - it goes to some back storage until she would dredge it up again! I had made my decision to tell her off the next time she criticized my former SIL (she left) - planned to chew her out and say LET IT GO MOM, THE WOMAN IS DEAD!!! However, dementia came along and as best I know she does not do this anymore... Go figure. I'm sure she does still do it, but not at the same level as she has forgotten too much. My usual stance is that 4 hours is the MAXIMUM I could be around her, but it has been as little as 10 minutes!!!!

Scout and One Last Straw,
I feel your pain, except my mom is not at the door of dementia. I didn't find out until I was grown that our mom pitted us against each other. I was under the impression she was sweet but nosy. She is staying with us now due to health but will soon move into a little house on our property. While here we have heard her talk about us, had aunts call and say I needed to have more compassion, and lastly, she just told me I was a horrible kid growing up! I was the one kid that almost never got into trouble. I'm not perfect so I know I can't say I never got into trouble... once I missed curfew and another time I went to a place that was considered too far for me to drive. I made decent grades and was active in school and church. I believe she was talking to my sister, who is a narcissist. (WE fear this sister will cause trouble at some time because of Mom, just waiting or it to happen). Mom does not like that I make her do what the docs say and I do not baby her. She will be moving this month, until then, I still have to carry her every where ,ect.. and we will still keep an eye on her and help out. It bugs me that she acts like nothing has ever happened, still tells people she is lucky to have such good care and would still send me down the river any chance she can.
I pray a lot!
Going crazy Farmgal

Based on your other thread last week and this one now - DO NOT RELY ON THAT PCP for diagnosis. You need to get that done ASAP. As the attorney said, she can wreak havoc for you because without that Dx, your POA really is not in effect. Sure, handling her finances and keeping records are great, and may save your butt but not your money if this is contested in court, BUT you are planning on selling her home. YOU MUST HAVE THAT DX IN PLACE FIRST!!!

So, first order of business is getting her to an appropriate doctor for appropriate testing, and as others have said, NOT the mini-mental exam - too many can "pass" these tests (sorry, but pooping all over your bathroom stinks of dementia, not some kind of personality disorder - and THAT is reason #1 she should MOVE.)

Second is to get on any/all waiting lists for AL of some kind - even if it is not MC, but has transition available when room opens up! Screw that plan to keep her for a year - the sooner the better for ALL of you.

Third - kudos for the handling of cousin and anyone else who thinks they know better!!!! Mom delivery can be done today if need be, better be ready Cuz!!! Hope you have a spare bathroom....

Descriptions of your mother’s behaviors make me think she exhibits traits of a Borderline Personality Disorder. It matters not if she has BPD, Dementia or Narcissism, she will not get better and will likely get much worse. How remarkable you were, forgiving her prior treatment of you to move her in with you and your family. I had a sister much like your mother who did irreparable harm to many of mine and my brother’s relationships with relatives “back home” where she lived ( my brother and I are out of town). I can only characterize my sister’s actions as “evil”, an old fashioned term, though an apt one. I would join the other responders in urging you to get your mom out of your house. Hiring a caregiver/companion is a great idea until you can find placement for her. My best thoughts for you as you deal with your mother’s ill treatment of you. My sister passed away 4 years ago, though the damage she did continues to affect my brother and me. Such unnecessary sadness.

I feel your mom’s behaviors could be those of a Borderline Personality Disorder. It matters not If her behaviors are due to dementia and not BPD or narcissism . With any of the 3 diagnoses she will not get better. For yours and your family's Well being, please get her out of your house. My thoughts as I read the accounting of your mom’s actions were that in an old fashioned way of describing someone, her actions are just plain evil. The stress she can inflict can do irreparable harm to you and your husband and your relationship. How forgiving you seem to be. I would advise that you Protect yourself and your immediate family first. Move mom.

I have overheard gossip from my mom, about me. She's 68. Also, my sister has told me that my mom has vented to her about me. She has told my cousin, who she does not talk to except about once a year, about our arguments as well. I think it stems from when her feelings get hurt by me, and then she expresses that by saying little digs to scathing things about me.  Tensions can sometimes run high when an adult, and a parent, especially an elderly parent, are living together.  At the moment, I don't have to deal with the legal piece yet.  

She hasn't been diagnosed with dementia, but I have been suspecting her cognitive capabilities have been declining a little, but I don't know the cause.  It is frustrating because I'm relatively young, and she can still handle a lot of things in life, like working full time in a good job, managing a rental house, etc.  So, if I did want to get her tested, I don't know if I have the sway to make it happen or for my family to believe my concerns.  She enjoys talking about other extended family members to us, as well, but she has always done that. Unfortunately, I have come to sometimes not trust her word. But, I have compartmentalized it in my mind, so I can still enjoy the positive interactions when they happen.  I do not have to deal with financially supporting her like you do, though.  That sounds very hard.  Best of luck!

Scout,

So much good advice here that I won't add to it, but I do understand the character assassination bit. If I were a gambling girl I'd put my money on a dementia diagnosis. The sooner you can get one, the sooner you've got a foundation on which to establish care for her and protection for yourself.

Fortunately, we got a relatively early diagnosis for Mom and she's appropriately placed in memory care, but that doesn't stop her from calling her family (multiple states away) for the express purpose of demonizing her husband (now deceased, one of the finest human beings I've ever known), her children, and grandchildren to them. What's sad is her side of the family doesn't have a firm grasp of how advanced her dementia is and believe her confabulations, i.e. don't hear about the birthday parties we threw in her honor; the gifts we gave; the outings and medical appointments we took her to; the generous donations of time and energy to her exclusive benefit. According to Mom I'm a controlling, untrustworthy b - - - h who exploits her at every turn but does nothing for her. She tells them I have dementia, not her. She tells them outrageous stories about me I can't repeat here; in essence, I'm a slut. She says none of us do anything for her, don't care about her, etc.; any nonsense she can devise for pity or attention. Mom's paranoid, narcissistic victimhood has been a core component of her identity for as long as I can remember. Now, under the influence of dementia, Mom's personality disorder(s) have exploded. Casual contact with Mom doesn't necessarily reveal this. Two days most certainly will, and few people get that degree of exposure to Mom. Because of her Oscar-worthy showtiming performances, her side of the family believes her. They will scarcely talk to me. Imagine: the false testimony of one sick person poisons an entire family.

How do we know she does this? We (her children and grandchildren) compare notes. She trash talks all of us, one to another. Like you, we've overheard phone conversations.

What can you say about people like this? They're a mess before dementia and a bigger mess after. They are truly a challenge to love.

I'm aware legal protections need to be in place for seniors who are abused. On the other hand, there should also be similar protections for seniors' families subject to slander.

Wishing you the best with a sorry situation.

As others have said, document everything. The accusations can be so hurtful even when we know it’s due to a diseased brain. I called APS to come evaluate my Mom when she was living in my home and they came within a week. I felt I needed to do this for my own protection because she was telling people that I was trying to kill her!! It all breaks your heart.

Been there, done that and got the t-shirt. I agree with folks saying to be wary. My mother did this from the time I left at 19 until her death. Telling others you are the bad one gains a LOT of power! Long story short, she changed my father's Will once she had him moved into a home, spent all kinds of money and left town [i had to track her down!], and the final thing was when I found the Will only left me $10 and the note "you know why". She ran around telling others I was mentally ill and untrustworthy, and in the eyes of the law as long as they are not diagnosed [or even if they are] unable to sign contracts [watch out real estate purchases!] they can get away with it. Don't think it ends from a nursing home, but they are more monitored. You are headed to a slippery slope, my friend, so take care of yourself!