OMG. My mother's gossip about ME! Has anyone else been through this?

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OMG. My mother's gossip about ME! Has anyone else been through this?

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Hello, friends. I posted last week that we recently moved my elderly mom into our home & are starting to suspect she has dementia, though she has NOT been diagnosed as such. Well, today she forgot I was working from home & made a few calls to family thinking she had the house to herself. What she had to say about me was disgusting and shocking. She has accused me of: Taking her wallet and using her credit cards for our own personal spending; Taking her checkbook and refusing to let her see any of her finances or access her own money; Planning a party for her at our house so we can use her money to purchase new patio furniture and landscaping (we've done both, but not with her money). She told my aunt (who entertained this entire conversation) that she thought we asked her to move in so she'd be with us, but all we've done since she got here is spend, spend, spend. Well, yes, that's true. We're repairing her house to put it up for sale. I know - friends tell me this is normal with dementia patients. But my mother hasn't been diagnosed with dementia yet! When we last spoke to our estate attorney about managing the sale of the house and the financial/legal stuff the one thing he said was despite me having durable POA, I need to be very careful how I manage everything until she has a dementia diagnosis on her medical record because until then, she's legally considered competent and if she ever starts making accusations, those could get a real legal hassle for me (not that I'd be legally in trouble, but that it could take a court to straighten it out...at my expense). My mother has always been very accusatory and restrictive with me towards anything of hers (she was never a mom that shared well with her kids). She started to default on her creditors and they started calling me because she wouldn't take their calls. Then she finally agreed to let me take over her finances and I was SO HAPPY when she signed the durable POA for me because I thought she had finally gotten over her distrust of me and I'd be able to help her. But now she's calling relatives when she thinks I'm not home and making these accusations? I spent a fortune to move her out here and get our house prepared for her. I can't afford any legal trouble. Even if it turns out to be nothing. Has anyone else been through this?

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Scout Ive read your three posts and am quoting one of your sentences here : "She's critical, jealous, spiteful, judgemental, and a bottomless pit of need to be loved & adored". It made me wonder why on God's green earth you thought it was a good idea to move her in with you. Surely you didn’t think she was going to be better? I also noticed it seems you and your family have a lot of drama going on. I would examine your motives and intentions for having moved her to your house. I don’t mean this in a mean way at all but often we do things for reasons we aren’t aware of. Perhaps you too are a bit of an enabler?
Having her there will continue the drama and stress and will be damaging to you, your marriage and child. You need to rethink this and get her moved out, wherever is best suited for her. Spend your energies on that. As the months and years go on, things are not going to ever get better...they get worse. This is not a healthy situation.
Get her diagnosed, get her moved and learn to set boundaries that are healthy. Best to you. It’s tough but doable and necessary.
PS...you do not have to explain yourself to other family members and create more drama and antagonism. It’s not healthy.

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yes..my mother was like that when we moved her in with us years ago. Long story short..she went through my checkbooks, complained about everything/anything, wasnt happy, wouldn't eat, just pick at her food even though it was cooked to her wanted way. Shed put fingers in her ears like a spoiled brat when she didnt like/want to here something. Accused me of stealing her money/stuff. Thought she was going to dictate like we were her kids under her roof by her rules. Made 600-800 hundred dollar a month phone bills wouldn't pay em, so I had to get back to work. Thats when I was told by folks/family she was calling them all day long telling them how bad I was, stealing, wouldn't talk to her, etc. One day, I came home, and was told another sibling was coming to move her back to where she came from. THEN I get calls from everyone up there, telling me, she told all that we kicked her out, no place to go..so she came back to NY. Folks I went to school with, businesses, etc..calling me telling how bad a kid I was for treating mom so badly, etc. I finally had to get mom on the phone and she played stupid...Told her and that other sibling of mine..you 2 created a mess..you 2 fix it when it falls apart. Years later, it did..When mom pulled her business, etc..MY rose colored glasses came off, and I saw mom AND my oldest female sibling for what they were..NASTY creatures..

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Scout, bravo! Your response to your fake-caring cousin was perfect.

You are on the right track. Keep working toward the goal - which is getting Mom out of your home and into the care she needs.

Stay strong and hang in there.

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AT1234, so you are spending lots of your own money on your mother's care? She has multiple doctor visits; she's been driving herself to these visits? Tell her dr. she won't stop driving (if that's the case). Perhaps he can report her to DMV?

Of course, when she no longer drives, YOU will probably be expected to pick up the slack. You're over there everyday already? You'll probably have to spend even more time with her. Ugh.

Are you ready to set some boundaries? I hope so, because if not, then nothing will change (and it will get worse).

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wow same thing happened to my Mom. she was accusing the neighbours and then us .the list goes on...You need to act fast and get this diagnosed, There will be legal problems such as POA,health proxy etc

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I think my mother needs constant attention, if she’s not on the phone for hours discussing my made up life, she is going to doctors all over town, going to have tests run, everyday. Her diagnosis was simply ignored bc it’s bs to her. Were in the process of beginning a program her that is Chrinic pain Management where they have a central person who manages all her drs and pt/ot and has a home health group come in everything to be able to keep her independent at home. But, that requires taking her car keys. Oh lord that’s a huge huge problem. She’s blind in one eye and can’t see much out of the other one, can’t turn her neck to see oncoming traffic. Her dr says no more driving. Do you think she’s going to do that? No.

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You tell'em, Scout!

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Scout0421 this is only the beginning if she needs drama she’ll cause trouble with you and spouse and everyone else. I’ve been doing this 2 years and I feel like my world has flipped upside down. I’ve received calls from friends and family to check on what she’s said to them and have been shocked at the stories I’ve heard! It breaks my heart to try so hard only to be slandered all over town.

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My mom is doing the same to everyone she can find that will listen. She is diagnosed, and she lives alone but I’m there everyday. And yes we’ve spent so much money on her and her care it’s crazy but none of it’s been hers! Why do they get like this, I don’t know I keep telling myself it’s the desease. Hurts.

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I hope you can find a facility for your mother. Your 9-year-old daughter deserves better than to have this unhinged grandmother living in your house.

The thought of my mother living with me makes me sick to my stomach. Someone this weekend asked if my mother would be moving in with us, and i said I would probably be dead within 6 months if that happened.

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You need to get Mom to a neurologist ASAP. He/She can perform tests ythat will tell you for sure she has it. Please, Don't wait till something happens.

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Update: Well, thanks for the small favors of extended family. NOT. I would typically say that I'm not surprised my extended family (of enablers) took the stance they did when I followed up with them last night on mom's phone calls. My mother has been coddled and had excuses made for her as long as I can remember. My conversations with them always cross back to what I should be doing to adjust myself and my own behaviors to better meet my mother's personality or emotional needs. And truth is, I really don't understand why. All their stance has ever done is heap more responsibility for her bad decisions and carelessness upon them, me, and my father (before the stress finally killed him). Anyway - I very systematically and objectively went point-by-point through all the accusations that mom made to set the record straight (and let them know that, oh yes, I have an attorney and, oh yes, he has guided me on exactly how to manage things as a POA and he's happy to speak with anyone that has questions). One of my cousins didn't say much. I think she's very aware of what my mother "is" even without the dementia in play and she wants no part of my mother's drama. But her older sister, my other cousin, of course made excuses for my mother. But the real kicker is when she offered to become co-POA along with me! I responded by asking her exactly what purpose she thought that would serve? She told me that maybe it would make my mom feel more secure to have someone "consulting" with me on financial and legal decisions on her behalf. Uh huh. So I told my cousin that if my mom doesn't trust my capabilities....if COUSIN thinks she should step in...well then, maybe my mother should move in with her. Dead silence on the other end of the phone.
Yeah, that's what I thought. I've got a graduate degree in chemistry and I'm a senior manager in a Fortune 500 company responsible for 500 million dollars worth of revenue per year. Are they kidding me? They don't think I can manage 3 credit cards and a checking account that's never hit five digits? Ridiculous. I told my cousin that I do not have the time nor the interest in being babysat by my own extended family. If they think they can do a better job, I'm happy to have all her stuff shipped to their front door.

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Nice going, Scout; sounds as if you've got a handle on it now.... If you continue with some of the above very good advice, your mom will be safe and you'll have a life again!

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I haven't been through gossip about me, but my husband did go through a paranoid period when he repeatedly accused me of stealing from him. Paranoia is usual in many types of dementia. Often money is a topic they're obsessed about. For some a personality trait is magnified by the damage to the brain. A generous person starts contributing to every charitable solicitation that comes along, a trusting person becomes gullible, a possessive person becomes absolutely selfish. This does not happen in all cases, but often enough to be observable. It isn't surprising that your mother's behavior has taken the direction it has, given your history together.

You need for your mother to live somewhere else. That isn't necessarily memory care, and I wouldn't limit my search for housing to that category without an assessment about her living environment needs. This is different than assessing that she has dementia. About 60% of the residents of regular assisted living facilities have dementia. Their needs are met just fine there. If they start to wander or have behavior disturbing to other residents they may then be moved to memory care. Or a small group home may be suitable. About the only things we can assume right now is that she doesn't need a nursing home, and she mustn't live with you!

It sounds to me like you are handling this very, very well. You are in touch with a doctor and a lawyer. Gold stars for you!

Even if it turns out that mother doesn't have a diagnosis of dementia (which would surprise me greatly) you still need for her to live somewhere else. So, full steam ahead on that effort!

Keep in touch here. We care.

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Yes I’ve been through it. My bad angle was while she was telling everyone in town these stories, my father, who was the main scoundrel in the stories, actually was shuffling the money in various banks around.

He claimed it was to take advantage of when the rising stock market would produce a bigger payout to care for mom but it sure looked bad to everyone who’d heard the stories!

Advice to you, seriously—Get mom admitted to a geriatric psych unit for ‘assessment of mental condition’. They’ll probably see dementia in her tests, interviews, scans...a psychiatrist will interview and examine her. They might put her on a medication. I had second thoughts about the meds but they really helped my mom be more positive and sharper mentally.

My dad though, after buying a new car, just made me suspicious of him too. My mom’s diagnosis was moderate dementia/depression and her meds were needed I think but I have suspicions of all my relatives now.

Mom’s doing well though. That’s important!

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And as someone said earlier, save all receipts. Moving Mom was on HER dime, not yours.

Going forward, remember that anything that gets spent on mom's comfort, mom's moves, mom's needs, comes out of MOM'S accounts.

NOT yours.

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What you want ( to piggy back onto Blannie) is a full neuropsychological workup. She sees a psych nurse practioner, a neurologist and a neuropsychologist. It's several hours of paper and pencil testing. It will tell you exactly where mom stands on terms of her thinking skills.

My mom, with vascular dementia, passed those 30 question mini mentals until a month before she died.

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All I can say is NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!!! Get your mom on waiting lists for assisted living/memory care and get her tested and diagnosed ASAP. And make sure it's a full-blown test, not the little 30 question test like you-know-who had. My mom could fool anyone if she talked to you for a short time. But spend an hour or two with her and you could quickly see there was no short-term memory there. And no reasoning ability. Unless it's a doctor skilled in diagnosing dementia, they won't catch it and you'll be worse off than you are now because that doctor will say mom is cognitively fine.

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The way it works here, you ring up a MC or AM and they send their own team out to assess the patient's needs.

I would not be shy about calling 911 if your mom has the least little problem and trying to get her admitted.

If she spends 3 nights as an admitted patient ( If they talk about obsevation, scream bloody murder) she's eligible for "rehab" . From there it's an easy segue into Long Term Care. Your family doesn't deserve this treatment.

And keep your daughter far away from mentally ill granny.

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You won’t be able to stop her from gossiping about you, but you might be able to limit it somewhat. I’m assuming she’s sitting in a comfy chair chatting the day away on a cordless phone in the privacy of her own bedroom? If so, you might invest in a corded phone and place it in the kitchen. She’ll still make phone calls, but I’d bet they’ll be shorter if all she has access to is a hard kitchen chair — or better yet, a backless barstool.

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Good point, Barb.

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Why do you have to wait for a diagnosis? Get her on every waiting list in and out of town.

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OneLastStraw, You and I DEFINITELY have the same sick sense of humor because honestly, before I even read your response I snort laughed at your screen name. You're talking some truth with that name, my friend!

Yes...once we got her moved in (3 weeks or so ago) and rapidly came to understand the extent of her cognitive "stuff" (it's probably dementia) we realized that this is probably a 6-month to 1-year arrangement tops. We're trying to keep her here for the time being because I'm still trying to get her house (3 hours away) prepared for sale. There's only so much we can tackle at once.

Do I want her here? God, no. Definitely not now that reality has made itself known to us. But I don't want to panic and start making a bunch of knee-jerk reactions on the emotions of the situation alone. I'm trying to make decisions that are best long-term for my family, and for her.

For starters, I need an official diagnosis. I've got an email out to the doctor with our laundry list of observations of the past 3 weeks and a request that she call me ASAP so we can discuss next steps for confirming whatever the hell it is that's wrong with mom.

Thursday I meet with a home health agency to get an aide in here, whether mom wants one or not, immediately. I don't care how much it costs. If if gives me some space while still assuring she's cared for, I'll gladly hook them up with her savings account. Money well spent.

After that, we'll hopefully have a diagnosis documented and can start reaching out to local facilities to inquire about their waiting lists.

Now if someone could just get my mother to keep her mouth shut until we've managed our way through all of this, life will be significantly easier. But if not, I think the hubby, daughter (9 year old) and I will be taking LOTS of walks daily to shake it all off (as my little girl puts it).

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The medical description for what you Mom is saying is 'Confabulation.' Very common, very normal, very annoying. Top priority now is to get her into a Neurologist that specializes in Dementia. NOW. And make an appointment with a certified Elder Care Attorney.

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Oh Scout that's awful...is hosing her down in the driveway an option??

JOKING [I hope you have the same sick sense of humour as me]

If this is her mellow I would hate to have seen her 'full mean'...I wish I had better suggestions for you Scout but from what you've shared maybe having her live in your home long term is not a good idea. It might be what is easier for her, but it sounds like it's going to be absolutely unbearable for you and your husband.

Is there a way you can plan for other arrangements for your mom, maybe not right away but something to work towards?

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AS if all I've told you isn't bad enough?...she also told relatives on the phone today that my husband is having an affair. Truth is, he's at the tail end of a year long project at work. To finalize it all requires 3 weeks in a row of travel. Today on the phone I could hear her telling relatives how he's cheating on me and I'm such an arrogant fool I don't even realize it. Why didn't I go in the room then and say something? I was in the home office dialed into a training call being given by my boss. I had missed the other 2 days of training for appointments with mom so I couldn't bail out today and it was a full afternoon online training. Mom has always been a pretty twisted woman. She made a lot of bad choices in her life & then sat around waiting for the same doom & gloom to happen to me. She's critical, jealous, spiteful, judgemental, and a bottomless pit of need to be loved & adored (my therapist friend has been convinced for years that mom is an undiagnosed narcissist and probably manic depressive). But she mellowed in recent years as her health declined & it just wasn't safe for her to live alone on the other side of the state anymore. That said, today's the first time I've actually heard what happens when she thinks I'm not around and she can talk about me freely. It was truly disgusting. Un-diagnosed dementia or not, it turns my stomach to think I need to help this woman bathe tonight.

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Scout, sadly what you are experiencing with your Mom is not unusual. For some reason some elders with memory issues will make up stories. I don't know if they are doing that because their brain is broken, or that their lives are so uneventful that they need to make up stories.

What make this very difficult is when relatives and friends actually believe what your Mom is saying. Have your Mom checked for dementia/Alzheimer's as soon as you can to help verify this is the reason why Mom is doing what she is doing.

If you know that Mom is on the phone, I would quickly get into the same room, and interrupt her by asking if she wants tea or coffee when she is through. Or ask her who she is talking to, then say you want to say hello. Then it is up to you to tell the person what Mom is getting confused at times, so be patient with her.

Found this excellent article that should be of some help: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/How-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm

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Scout, has your mom always been one to stir the pot?

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'Even if it turns out to be nothing.'

This certainly doesn't sound like nothing...I'd be FURIOUS [and I'd have definitely interrupted those phone calls if only to see her face...but maybe you are a better person than I!]

In all seriousness, I would urge you to get her to a doctor for a psychological evaluation to rule cognitive issues out of the picture. Just because she doesn't have a diagnosis does NOT mean she is 'fine', from what you have said her behaviour needs to be looked at professionally. If someone looked at her and said "that's nothing to worry about" get yourself a second opinion. It might not be Dementia but your mother might have Paranoid Personality Disorder, or any number of other mental illnesses that could cause this sort of behaviour.

I'd also encourage you to document your spending and the management of her finances, that way you have protection and proof if you need to defend yourself legally. Hopefully this never happens.

If she does have cognitive impairments, your mother might never get over her paranoia... I know that's a very harsh outcome to consider but please keep it in mind. It could be that no amount of effort on your part earns her respect or trust because she isn't rational anymore.

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Make sure you have receipts for EVERYTHING that Mom is accusing you of buying with her money. Most receipts have at least the first numbers of the credit card used on the receipts and it can be proved that they were purchased by you and not her. If you paid cash, keep the canceled check or bank statements. Be religious about this even after and if Mom is diagnosed with dementia. Keep meticulous records just in case!

As for the gossip, you do not need to prove to her friends or your relatives what you are doing or not doing. If you have a clean record with them, they will know you and your husband would never rob Mom blind. If and when Mom is diagnosed with dementia, your family and friends will understand and they may already suspect. Just to be stinky, I would approach Mom and tell her what you overheard. I’d love to see her reaction!

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OMG. My mother's gossip about ME! Has anyone else been through this?

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