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After a few months of moving Mom into assisted living, I'm having severe anxiety or panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks. I can't sleep. Or maybe don't want to since the nightmares are so disturbing. I am not able to even take care of myselfseriously. I hate being out in public. I am seeking counseling. But so far it's like the therapist doesn't take me seriously.

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Many. many caregivers experience some mental health issues -- depression, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD ... a range of reactions.

Give the therapist a couple more sessions and if you still don't feel you are being taken seriously, find another therapist. Seriously, not every counselor is a good fit for every client. It is not a failure on your part or theirs to need to switch therapists.

I'm so glad you are in counseling. This is a difficult journey. We deserve all the support we can get ... even if we have to pay for it. :-)
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Dear cr0105,

I'm so sorry to hear how are you feeling. Its not easy. Moving your mom to assisted living was a big change. It takes time to accept this new phase in your mom's life and yours as well.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. And as Jeanne said if this therapist does not feel right, please don't hesitate to find a new one. There are good ones out there. Maybe consider joining a support group as well. Thinking of you.
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cr0105 -
It always amazes me when some one else asks the same question I've been turning over again and again in my own head!

I looked after my mom for almost six years. Thankfully, we didn't live together - things were bad enough as it was - especially the last two years.

My mom passed away the end of August. Mom was nearly 90 and her dementia had progressed to the point she didn't always know who I was, and she had pretty much stopped eating and speaking. It was an excruciating last couple of months. Honestly, it was a relief when mom finally let go - for her suffering and for me - at this point I was so rung out I didn't have any more to give - not to her and not to anyone else in my life.

So - I kinda thought I'd be feeling more like my old self by now - but nothing could be further from the truth.

A life long insomniac, its worse than ever - maybe two - three hours of sleep a night. Constant nightmares. My attention span is zip and I can't focus on anything. My smoking is at an all time high and my threshold for stress - an all time low. It seems if I'm not angry, I'm anxious - but I can't quite ever put my finger on what I'm worrying about or why I'm pissed off.

So, I thought "Post Traumatic Stress"? But then thought "No" and have been telling myself to stop being a drama queen and to get over it!

I haven't considered therapy. My only experience with that was a giant joke of a marriage counselor that soured me on taking that route.

So, I'll be watching for your posts to see how you are getting along and hopefully you can share ideas on what's helping you.

Sorry- I know my reply probably wasn't any help. But I did want you to know that you're not alone - I'm feeling for you, sister!
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Are you taking any meds? My husband started having really vivid and disturbing dreams a couple of years ago. In talking to his doc, he discovered that it was a side effect of a drug he'd be taking for a while.

Take care of yourself; I've been blessed with some good therapists. If you are not feeling as though you're being taken seriously, please tell the therapist that. The most useful thing in therapy is to say exactly how you are feeling.

If you tell her/him this and they become defensive, you've got a poorly trained therapist. If they want to talk about what is leading to your feeling that way, bingo. Still, don't stay if you're not comfortable.

Therapy is hard work and usually leads to us finding out that there things we need to change about us. That can hurt. And you never get there if you haven't developed a trusting relationship with the other person in the room.
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Best therapist I ever saw was a former police dept crisis counselor. PTSD.? Absolutely possible. Her practice was full of adult children of alcoholics, domestic abuse and molestation survivors, and caregivers of ailing parents and adolescents. In fact she was the first person who didn't judge me for feelings or stress. Your feelings are yours, and you need help finding a way to make it through.
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cr0105, time to change therapist. I did, and now I have a talk therapist who is around my age, and who in the past had to deal with an elderly parent. So when she says "I know what you are going through", she really does :)

Even though I fought the thought of taking calming pills and antidepressants, I finally had to give it a try. I take the very lowest dosage possibly, and started out cutting those dosages in half with permission from my primary doctor.

I still get panic attacks driving, and I have to keep telling myself I cannot correct 7 years of driving panic in just a few months, it's going to take awhile.

I still won't go to the movies or dine out someplace that takes a lot of time to have the meal placed in front of me. Again it was 7 years of worrying my cellphone would ring in the middle of the movie or dinner saying either Mom or Dad had fallen, please come to the house.

My parents have since passed, but the panic memory is still there, but getting better :)
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I have what I call chronic stress disorder. My first thought is to blame myself for not being upbeat and productive. Then I look at how things are in my world and know I am probably being normal. I don't think that humans were built to handle this type of stress for too long.

cr0105, I wondered what you felt when you were moving your mother into AL. Was it particularly traumatic for you? Do you feel like something is undone and hanging over your head? Maybe if you write about it, people here will relate to what you're feeling. I have a feeling you are probably not alone.
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I want to thank you all for your input. JessieBelle- there was a tremendous amount of stress just before and after moving mom to AL. The worst was a division in my family resulting from a family meeting where 2 nephews cornered me alone and told me I was making a huge mistake and then criticized me for welling up with tears. The thing is, this meeting was supposed to be only me & my siblings. My sister, brothers and their spouses agreed that AL was the answer. My own adult daughter would've come if she thought it was open to that level but she understood that it wasn't. The nephews came with their mother who is an ex to my brother. That same brother died this past October and now that whole segment of the family won't speak to me and even steer their children away from me when we had a big family gathering. It hurts my very soul. I miss our family good times when we all played cards or board games, sat on the floor to play with the youngsters and had such fun. We lost my sister's husband to a horrible battle with cancer, my father after incredible suffering and then this brother (also cancer - FAST - 3 months from diagnosis) so there have been a lot of losses in the past few years. Also, my brother who was living with mom had a bad motorcycle accident where he almost died. He has residual signs of brain injury. He also drinks too excess. The part of the family who have abandoned me were really close to that brother and thought he was taking good care of Mom. But when I stayed there for a week while he went on vacation, I discovered that he had been using mom's money for his personal stuff. I then checked things further and discovered that he was not doing mom's medications correctly. Every day I would find something else. Or every night, I should say, because I had to do my searching after mom went to bed. I desperately tried to spare her the worry over all this until I could arrange some kind of solution. Eventually we had a meeting with the brother when he got home and brought my sister into it. Mom was angry about it but wouldn't speak up. Neither would my sister. So it fell upon me to start the conversation. I ended up getting so upset that I had to take a walk. Anyway...that was a year before we finally got mom moved. I have handled her financial and medical and well everything since that time. Mom being in AL has helped me physically but emotionally nothing has been relieved.
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Over the years I have had very helpful counseling and not so good counseling. I've never had a damaging experience. Rainmom, I am so sorry you did. There really are effective and compassionate counselors out there!

Sometimes it takes a few sessions for the therapist and client to get in sync. Unless it is dreadful, I'd try more than one session before leaving. But it is absolutely acceptable to leave when it isn't a good fit, and find a better one.
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cr0105, it sounds like you had a nearly perfect family that fell apart in just a couple of years. I don't blame you for feeling stressed, especially when some of them are looking at you like you are the bad guy. You really did need to step in to make sure your mother was taken care of. I don't understand why the family is so upset. Was your mother not wanting to go to the AL? Family can still visit with her in the AL and go places with her. It will take a while to adjust, but maybe everything will fall back in line.

Sometimes when I'm feeling especially rattled it helps to just stop and look at the trees and watch the squirrels. It helps me to center myself with the world and realize that most of what goes on is out of my hands. It helps me to get rid of feelings of guilt or over-responsibility.

I do hope that therapy helps. I am rather therapy-resistant myself. I end up feeling like I'm trying to entertain the therapist and falling short. :( It would feel good to talk to someone who doesn't see me as complaining -- you know, someone who really cares about what's going on. That would be the perfect therapist.
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Yes the family was "perfect" - at least to anyone looking in from the outside. THIS is an added stress to myself - my oldest of the 3 older brothers molested me as a child. Then as adults, touched me inappropriately! He even tried it another time! That time, I let him know (in his FACE!!!) that this will not be tolerated and if I EVER found out he touched one of MY girls, I'd not only report him but wouldn't hesitate to testify in court against him!! Well --- thankfully nothing else has ever happened and he keeps his distance. Anyway, that adds to all of this. AND it's doubly difficult because Mom has that brother up on a pedestal, first-born, he can do no wrong. Of course at this point I would never tell her he doesn't belong on any pedestal. The fact that I've gone for years hiding my true emotions, putting on a happy face, even hugging him hello and goodbye when the family was around... well it has worn me out.. and I don't want to do it anymore! I finally told my sister. She was appalled. She is my best friend. But, despite that brother, I've enjoyed the rest of my family tremendously... and miss the happier times. Oh to answer your question about whether Mom was in favor of moving to AL, yes! She actually had agreed it was the wisest thing to do at the time. But with her dementia, she's now questioning it (along with everything) and wonders why she can't just move 'back home'. :(
As for the perfect therapist, I'll be happy to be an "EAR" for you! I know what you mean - I've had some reallllly bad ones... and some "ok" ones... but none have truly been what I could call "great".. and I also do as you said, feel like I'm under the microscope while I'm there. It's NOT pleasant. My current husband, with NO experience in this area, said to me after my 1st appointment, (all happy faced), "so what did he say?? Was it a good time??" --- yeah honey - great fun... and no, I'm NOT cured yet.
Thanks for the advice.. I also find comfort in nature. I have a trip planned now in April to go visit my son and family (2 grands - yay!) in Florida!! So that gives me something to look forward to. I LOVE the beach!! It's where I feel most peaceful and can be awed by the "smallness" of everything else in comparison.
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cr0105 -
I had to giggle at your use of "my current husband". I've found myself saying that - as if there's a future one waiting somewhere! My hubby's a saint and I love him dearly - I hope we'll always be together...
Okay - not a helpful reply as far as your mom and siblings go - but hopefully it at least got a smile!
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Rainmom - yes you did make me smile! And I am glad you have a sense of humor! We sure all NEED THAT!!! 😁 thanks. Oh and the reason I said that was because I've been married before (horrible). 
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Hello. Thought I would share a bit of good news..the therapist is helping. Part of the reason is that I am taking charge of the discussions! I had never done that before. If he starts talking about stuff I already know or going in a direction I'm not ready for like moving on to the next topic he thinks we should discuss, I just flat out interrupt him. That's not like me. But I feel like I need to make good use of the time!
Two things he shared with me that have really helped:
1. If I cannot handle the emotions right now, try to set it aside "until later" & do just one thing that helps my physical body. It can be eating a healthier choice of meals *or* going for a walk...whatever. But keeping that as my "out" does double duty- helps me focus on something else & doing something good for me makes me like myself better.
2. He told me when I feel overwhelmed by stress, go through the things that are bothering me and categorize them into 3 groups by asking- is this... A) a problem *or* b) a predicament *or* c) a lost cause. This has been helpful because it gets me into an action mode of thinking...instead of all these thoughts running through my mind haphazardly.
Hope that's helpful to someone else too.
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Good for you, cr0105! And thanks for the update.
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cr0105, I can say an unequivocal, resounding YES to your question. It took me a long time to realize that I've suffered from PTSD since my father first started going downhill with Alzheimer's disease in 2011-2012. That's six long years of dealing with his disordered thinking, and having him go from the most loving, kind and supportive father in the world, to a stiff-backed, angry monster who acted like he hated me and treated me like a criminal, when he wasn't crying, raging, turning over the furniture, and threatening to kill himself. (Not to mention, after finally getting them moved into an ALF, discovering that not only did he have the means to do himself in, the means was always close at hand, and loaded. Shock and relief in equal measures, shock that he had been such a direct threat to himself and to me and my family, but also relief that we had managed to get them into care before something awful could happen.)

I'm so glad to know you're seeing a counselor. I finally made the decision to do that myself, and have been working with a counselor for a little while, just the past few weeks, and it is extremely helpful to get perspective. It's the first time someone has said to me, "You've been grieving for your losses all these years." My mother declined before he did ... he was her caregiver when he started to go off the rails. She was, and is, a great mom, but she has suffered terribly with his illness, and I even think she's been neglected a little bit, because she's so "easy" compared to him. Yet when they moved into the ALF, she screamed at all of us and cried inconsolably for days, not recognizing the extreme danger she was in herself. (Statistically speaking, when elderly men with dementia commit suicide, they most often kill their wives first. So she was in just as much danger as he was.)

The sense of dread has not left me, even with them in care. I can't stand going to the home they used to live in, which creates obstacles to what we should be doing to get it ready to be sold, because I just hate and dread going over there. Even though it's empty, there are ghosts everywhere. Sad ghosts of who they used to be when they were still themselves, and angry ghosts of who they became.

At least I can visit them at the ALF without fear, but I still never know what I'm going to face with my dad. He can be extremely suspicious and weird about things, especially if anything unusual happens. When my mom was in the hospital overnight for dehydration, I tried to stay with him to keep him calm, but he got very angry and violent with me because he refused to believe that she was just in the hospital, he thought she had run off on him and he wouldn't believe me for anything. That was probably one of the worst nights of my life, and it was less than a year ago. So yes, ongoing PTSD is a perfect term for what we go through.

Stay strong caregivers! We are here for each other, at least.
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Obviously you need to take care of yourself. Finding a good therapist is one step. I would also seek out a mindfulness/meditation instructor. If none is in your area look for online instruction or read a book by Jon Kabat-Zinn. You can get your health back.
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I can say a resounding yes to this question too. I'm up again at 4:30 in the morning typing this cause once again I've woke up crying from nightmares.
Some about my Mom, some not.

I always knew that losing Mom would be the hardest thing I would ever go through. It's already been almost two years and I still have not gotten over it. My Hubs and I rented a movie this weekend called "Collateral Beauty"
Without giving too much away, it was about this man who lost someone and couldn't even say this person's name or that they died, as if not doing so would make it not true. I almost can relate. I think I numbed myself so much before, during and after my Mom's last two years that I am still numb. I find myself just staring off into space, totally lost in my thoughts of that period. Or sitting somewhere that she and I used to go and getting so lost in the memories that it feels wrong to me when I snap out of it that she isn't right beside me.

Tonight's dream has me dreading going back to sleep.

I have changed for sure. I think every experience we go through in our live's changes us. Some for the better, and some not. I know I have changed and I don't expect to ever be the person I was again.
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It is time for you to take of yourself. Spend time with friends... Go to lunch... Go shopping. You should not feel guilty this is not easy time for you. I took care of my mom until she died about a year ago and now my husband has been diagnosed with dementia... Try a local support group... Knowing you are not alone will help I can totally sympathize with you... Remember you will not be able to help anyone if you don't take of your self. I find meditation possibly yoga soothing. Long walks... deep breathing sharing with friends and family. Get help for the family member do you can have time to breath. Again don't feel guilty you are doing everything you can
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I had my share of terrible counselors so decided not to return. I felt that going to a therapist was an unequal relationship and that being a client, or patient, put me in the role of victim, no matter how nice the therapist was. Also, just walking into a therapist's office defined whatever my problem was as an unusual one, not one solvable by ordinary means in my community nor by the passage of time. There was another factor to consider and that was that if I used insurance, whatever the "diagnosis" was would go on my medical record...forever. And that could affect my future employment. The laws are changing as is HIPAA. Even something that might appear benign might later on not be, such as "depression," which might not be kept confidential with the changing laws. If you see a therapist, they have to justify it with a disease diagnosis if you use insurance.

Keeping all that in mind, I decided not to go. I decided that the best cure would be the passage of time. Not only that, looking back over the past five or six years, I'm noticing so many positive changes. The shorter viewpoint might seem bleak, but the longer view reveals much improvement in all areas.

It's just like your credit score. They say not to panic if it goes down, even if it jumps down a lot. You have to take the longer view. Look at where you were a year ago, or two, or five. There are minor setbacks, true. Try to see for yourself if something is a blip or a real downward trend. Gather the resources you already have, reach out and find new ones, and find the strength you have within you.

If you are really going down, which does happen (especially financially, since the way the financial system is built it is stacked against those who are already struggling) then know that it does turn around. It turns around so slowly and imperceptibly that often we barely notice it. Then, we climb out of that muck, again, so slowly we hardly notice we are doing it. Look back and you will see just how far you have climbed.
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Yes I truly believe I had, and still have some PTSD after the trauma of my Mom's falling, so much blood everywhere with a compound fracture, and then the bumbling hospitals and nursing homes and sudden delirium 3x. My Mom was fine one minute and in raging delirium the next it seemed out of the blue. In the first nursing home she developed a terrible bed sore...this nursing home was rated 5 stars by Medicare, and it seemed to me we were signaled out for mistreatment though I have since heard others have had problems there. I feel now that I cannot trust hardly anyone. Then doctors kept suggesting rehab to her either in nursing homes and then in my home. Everything changed. I was a care giver now 24/7. My life as I formerly knew it was over. Finally the last nursing home rehab was better, but she was declining so rapidly that hospice was suggested. Everytime I mentioned hospice before to doctors, it was brushed off. She was finally bedridden in my home with wonderful hospice people, bedridden, completely incontinent and I had to deal with the stage 4 wound and basically be a nurse when the hospice people were not there. I felt at times like I was in a horror movie. My Mom did not deserve this, and neither did I. Bad dreams, lack of sleep, jumping at loud noises, not liking it when people follow too close behind me in the store. I am so angry at so many people, that I won't pour money into some probably incompetent couselor's pocket now. I saw too much incompetence. Everything seems to have doubled in price and the speed limit even was raised while I was taking care of my poor Mom. She passed away last year and I miss the old Mom when she was well, but not the terror I went through during her decline. Throughout all this she was the sweetest patient, and I cry a lot sometimes and wonder what the heck happened to us. I am feeling and sleeping better, have started doing little things for me, but often feel anger issues if I feel I am being slighted in any way. I am reading a lot of self help books and trying to find even the little nice things in life, but I wonder if this has effected me to a degree for the rest of my life. On the positive side, things that others find a huge chore or problem I seem to handle well...after what I went through, often other's problems seem small and trivial. A lovely sunrise and the freedom to go for a walk seem like a wonderful gift to me now. Keep seeing a counselor if it does help you, by all means.
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Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It took about three years of terrible malfunctioning until we got my mom--horrifically--into Al.

Once she was there, all was well. Except with me. I often asked my self if I had PTSD. I was a wreck driving to the AL ( I visit every day). I wanted to vomit in the parking lot before I went in.

But time is the great healer (and having my mom on the correct meds!), and after two years, I noticed a big difference. It is all good now. I visit, I leave. Life goes on.

Give it time (and the correct meds!).
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My step mom, after dad FINALLY went into the nursing home, couldn't sleep, had frequent crying spells, terrible dreams, anger outbursts, and over reacting to sudden noises. She had decided to give herself a few weeks but she didn't get better. She went to counseling but didn't have a good experience, but found a different counselor - one who actually had been a caregiver too. What a difference four months made for her! I think what i am trying to say - is that try counseling if you are not getting better, and try different counselors until you find the right one. Good luck and God bless.
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I am in a similar situation as the rest of everyone here. My Mom is 92 and still lives on her own, but I help her a lot. I stay very involved in my family's lives and still work full time. I also attend college as I always wanted to get my Bachelor's Degree even though I am close to retirement. I plan to continue working after I retire by starting my own business. I think that is what helps me through the stress. I stay busy all the time. When I do have down times I just enjoy it. Try doing something good for yourself. I take my Mom with me once a month to get full body massages. She loves it as do I. It is something that makes me feel good that I can do with my Mom. It helps her with her mind and circulation. Having pets helps too. Mom and I both have dogs. Plus I have 2 cats. Just petting one helps to calm you. There are places you can go to get PTSD therapy that uses horses. I grew up around horses and it is a very humbling experience to be around these gentle giants. It helps with your anxiety and gives you peace of mind.
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Katie22, you write: "Then doctors kept suggesting rehab to her either in nursing homes and then in my home." Doctors actually suggest that elders who need rehab go to live with a child? That takes a lot of nerve!

I can see this happening to me. My father died in a rehab center, so my mother would be terrified to go to one. Of course she would think she could manage by herself in her own condo.

Thanks to this site, I have all the wording ready if any doctors dared to suggest that my mother rehab in MY home..
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As a firm believer in therapy, I'm writing to encourage you to keep trying, finding a new one if necessary.  Give it some time.  I put my sister in a Board and Care home after nearly a year of being her sole caregiver. I have had many mixed feelings since then, such as relief, guilt, sadness and depression.  My caregiving year was a very traumatic time.  I suffered health issues, and I knew I couldn't continue, but it was a very difficult decision to make.  Please keep trying to find a therapist/counselor you can relate to. I remember the first time I went to therapy (many years ago when I was clinically depressed).  I was prescribed anti-depressants. This combination literally saved my life. I think one of the most wonderful things about going to counseling is that I was able to say things out loud to another person that I'd never said in my life to anyone, and then to get help dealing with these issues. What an incredible relief to get these things out in the open that I had been carrying around.  May I also suggest "bibliotherapy," books that are about therapy, about real people healing, about co-dependency, any book that helps you realize that others have gone through what you're going through. Melody Beatty has written many about co-dependency, which are invaluable to me. So the very best of luck to you. One day at a time.... find things that make you happy and less stressed... understand that you did the very best you could with the resources you had available. Forgive yourself.
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I am so glad I read this today. I never thought of it as PTSD, but I'm sure that's the best way to describe it. My husband's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's for almost 4 years and we can trace it back to about 2005. Last June it became unsafe for him, me and others, so he's in a home. Was the worst day of my life when I took him, and the guilt still tears me up sometimes. I can now recognize the beginnings of a panic attack and have medication to take. He became combative and they sent him to a hospital psych ward - worst thing ever. He was overmedicated with haldol and there for a month. Never was the same afterwards. Walked when he went in and now his legs are useless. He went downhill rapidly, wouldn't eat, talk or open his eyes. We called in hospice and based on his vitals they said, Yes, it was time to do that. They took him off all his behavioral/Alz meds, and within a week he's now eating, talking (not making much sense though) eyes open, watches some tv, etc. The combativeness came back so now going back on the meds.
I'm tired, confused, feeling guilty, lonely and fear of the unknown is what really tears me up. I have a therapist and take medication, but my daughter gives me the most relief, she talks me through those periods, prays for me and is my rock. I learned the phrase anticipatory grief just recently, and that is surely what this is, plus my horrible fears related to financial concerns. It seems like I am just walking through life like a zombie, waiting, waiting, waiting. I cannot seem to move forward with anything. I'm sorry this is so long, and believe me I feel your pain and agony. I pray that God will take him to heaven where he belongs. I hope the PTSD issues will not remain too long afterward. They say that theses diseases take many years off of caregiver's lives. I believe it.
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Very interesting thread. I Identify with so much. The mistaken belief that my mom relocating to a care facility was going to somehow "change everything" and be a big relief. The realization that I've come out on the other side with some kind of frickin' generalized anxiety pattern. The importance of a good therapeutic relationship. My 10 year journey with my mom was intense, full of all the typical complications and difficulties. But, in the process I was forced to confront longstanding issues in our (enmeshed) relationship--one that I'd been trying to extricate myself from for as long as I can remember. The process of exposure and confrontation that the experience bought me has been invaluable to helping me overcome virtually lifelong issues. I began to reach out for counseling support the last year of taking care of mom in-house. I pretty quickly connected with a good therapist (in fact, after feeling the first didn't take me seriously) And it has really helped me further this process. The stress is real ma'am. The effects of it are real. I'm in the process of trying to put myself back together on so many levels. But, as messed up as I am right now, and as untogether as my life feels right now, I'm seeing the other side and I know I'll make it. The proper counseling relationship has everything to do with that. Take care!
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Did you put your mother there against her will? Could you be feeling guilty about it?
After my sister passed of cancer at the age of 47, two years ago, my father suffered two strokes and became 100% dependant and demented.
Against my other sister's will, we took care of him at home for one year but then his health deteriorated to the point that we are now arranging to have placed at the local home (which was always her preference) where he will be monotired by professionals (I hope) throughout the 24 hours because at home, that is not possible as my mother is in deep depression and cannot handle so much activity around her.
We cannot feel guilty for the fate of our elderly. They lived their life. We do what CAN for them and when we can't anymore, we have to take other measures. There is no other way. Life is too short and it's becoming even shorter as we can see if we look around us.
I hope you find the peace you need and deserve.
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The advice to join a support group is important. It is a save place. l learned so much listening to other caregivers. ALSO, GO OUT AND HAVE FUN when possible!
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