My husband is probably early stage Alz or advanced mild cognitive impairment. He passed his driving test w flying colors. He is still working for a few more weeks and is retiring because he felt it was best. Most of our friends can not detect much difference in him but it is clear to those of us that see him day after day and to the doctors. He went to Wharton (at the same time as Trump although Trump was never seen in any classes by anyone) so is highly intelligent with a good supply of cognitive reserve. Our children are afraid to let him drive their children 8,9 and 11 and are holding off any visits alone at our home although I am fine. We are in early 70s. I have stopped telling them anything about his condition and they never ask. We see them often. They even said no to coming to his big office retirement party!! I know my kids have made determinations about what they will and will not allow but refuse to tell us what their “rules” are. I have asked them to share their thoughts so we can address their concerns for the safety of our grands and our desire to have them spend an overnight at our house. They ignore those requests. At our continual attempts to set up time w the grands they come up w some compromises but will still not talk to us about their thoughts. I am a well educated former teacher and very active in the volunteer world and sought after for leadership positions. My therapists ideas have not worked ( yes2 therapists!) and we want memorable moments w the children while my husband is still highly functional. What can we do? We live an hour and 20 minutes from both children and I am afraid of a face to face- my son gets nasty and my daughter withdraws. They have not asked either of us how we are doing and when we were originally given the diagnosis they were at the meeting and did not even get up and hug us though I was hysterically crying. My daughter is a social worker with an MSW!! Help!!
I am sorry about your husbands diagnosis. But, I agree with the other posters.
A lot of Dementia patients drive way longer than they should, in my opinion. My Mother was one of them.
As someone said your grandchildren’s well being should be your adult kids first priority. Not whether they hurt Mom or Dad’s feelings by laying down some rules. There may not be a bunch of rules. There might just be a short no. Sometimes that is easier than an argument or confrontation trying to negotiate the rules.
This will be a big change for your family and possibly a long difficult journey. My suggestion would be to not stress yourself out about this situation. Try to adapt to your new normal, enjoy your family while you can, wherever and whenever you can.
Later, when things get tougher, and they will, you will need your adult children and grandkids as a source of joy, support and distraction.
A diagnosis of a brain disease or impairment does not render a person 'stupid' or erase the fact of their brilliant education or the fact they're intelligent. It simply means they are suffering from a brain disease or impairment, same as a person who is diagnosed with an organ disease.
No one, I believe, is immune from disease of ANY kind, whether they are intelligent or average, large or small, wealthy or poor, male or female. We're all human and susceptible to disease of ALL kinds, unfortunately. Nobody who's been diagnosed with a brain disease is any 'less than' a person who's been diagnosed with a bodily disease.
I am sorry for the pain you are both going through with your children & grandchildren. I sincerely hope that you can spend a whole bunch of quality time with them in your home playing games & doing things together for many more years to come.
Wishing you all the best of luck and success moving forward.
I am sorry this is going to sound harsh, but if you truly believe, "He went to Wharton (at the same time as Trump although Trump was never seen in any classes by anyone) so is highly intelligent with a good supply of cognitive reserve." then you have your head in the sand. If you have mentioned this at all to your adult children, they are probably worried about your cognitive ability too.
My Step Dad was a well educated former professor and accountant. He retired from his last volunteer position as the Treasurer for a Provincial organization a few months before he died of cancer. Most people..."can not detect much difference in him..." too. His daughter flipped out when Mum said he had become childlike. She used all the arguments you have in your post. He is highly intelligent, well educated, and can 'pass' as ok to many people. None of that protected him against dementia.
Your adult children have clearly stated the rules. No rides with Grandpa. No over night visits. No visits without them present as they do not trust your judgement.
We are in the holiday season. Attend the kids activities at school. Meet the family to go to a seasonal event. Rent a hotel near the kids and spend a couple days in their community. Meet them at the pool, the skating rink, meet them at a hockey game, does not have to be major leagues, youth hockey is lots of fun, meet them all for dinner, create a caravan and go looking at Christmas lights, tell the kids stories from you childhood.
I'm sorry, but I also side with your kids. They have observed things that make them unwilling to leave their children alone with you. You will not change that.
You want them to tell you their thoughts so you can make a plan to make it ok. They don't want a plan. They have their plan - it is supervised visits. Be glad it's that at least, and not "You can't see the grands".
You will just have to enjoy time all together, and make it work, I'm afraid.
Your childrens' first priority in life is the health, well-being and safety of their children.
I would NEVER let my children be driven by someone with a diagnosis of MCI or early dementia. I would also not allow that person to drive me. Your children are correct in that action.
Your priority is your husband's care. So what if your husband has some sort of unpredictable and possible dangerous behavior while you and he are with your grandchildren? Whose safety and welfare do you look out for first if your husband darts into the street while you are holding the hands of the two grands?
I think you can have plenty of memorable moments with your grandchildren with your adult children present, don't you?
My daughter and son in law are in a fairly similar situation. Paternal grandfather has early dementia and was found to be undressing 4 year old grand-daughter in a suspicious way. He is no longer allowed to be unsupervised around any of the grands. They don't live close by, so this only comes up for my daughter once or twice a year, but for the family that lives nearby, it's a constant source of worry.