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First I'd like to describe Mom, as objectively as I can. She's 88, dementia (maybe late) polite, quiet, still laughs at humor, NOT incontinent, still walks on her own, still eating on her own, clean, (helped by me to keep up w/ hygiene), and kind. Her main problem is she can't stand to be alone, thus, even though she has her own place within our home, she's mostly looking for me all of the time, rarely naps, and pops out of her place every 10 minutes or so wondering where I am, and what's going on, and is it time to eat yet, etc.
My husband and I are both retired. He was ALL for her moving in when she repeatedly asked to leave her independent living apt. to move in with us, as she was lonely. She was too forgetful to make friends, and find her way to and from the dining hall, etc. Hubby agreed to have her live with us. Of course, part of his motivation was the money that she was paying for her lovely apt, he would now charge her for living with us.
SO, three years later, as things have progressed with Mom, he is becoming less patient. At first we could leave her for several hours on her own, leaving notes for her, and she could easily handle the phone, etc. Now things have progressed that we can't leave her alone at all. So anywhere we go, we have to get a sitter. I think my husband thought she wouldn't last three years. It's funny how people think these elders may be gone quickly, when in fact...they have staying power.
What bugs me lately, is the less spontaneous and active we can be with our friends who want us to travel places, go out on social events, etc. the more obvious it is that my Mom is like a pain in the butt to them. A nuisance. A pest.
We do a lot of entertaining at home, because it's just easier than having to pre-arrange a sitter, as well as have the expense on top of whatever we do when we go out. We do, however, get out at least once a week. Last evening some friends came for dinner, and during the evening the friends began talking about their upcoming vacation to a sunny warm place, and how they wish we could be joining them, and on and on....describing in detail all the fun they were going to have and too bad we can't go!!! My husband remarked, "Well I can go. We'll just leave "me" at home with Mom." Ha ha ha. And then, later, as we were gathered around continuing the evening something else was said and my husband said "yes...if only!" and he pretended to have a gun and made the click click sounds, like he would like to dust off my Mom and get her out of the way! Everyone laughed all jolly, like hahaha, what a funny joke. I was furious, and let them all know that I didn't find it humorous. My Mom was sitting right there with us, but it went over her head. My husband said I couldn't take a joke. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but I don't find one bit of "funny" in that behavior. We all know that "many a jest is said in truth."
I've been thinking about it ever since. Almost everyone of our friends are constantly bugging me to have my Mom placed in a care facility. "She's just too much work." "You're just tied to the home." I have maybe ONE friend who says she understands what I'm doing, and thinks it's right. And another thing the others are constantly insinuating is that I'm ruining my husband's life as well as my own, and it's just NOT fair. I feel it is none of their business if we don't ask them for their opinions, but they give it nonetheless. My husband never comes to my defense, he just acts like the poor, trapped, soul in prison. He doesn't have to bother with any of the work involved. He just cashes the check each month, and happily goes about whatever he wants to.
In his defense, of course I admit we both are trapped in a way. We aren't free to take long vacations, and go here and there at the drop of a hat. But we can plan ahead and do things, go places, which we do. I'm feeling more and more like I'm backed into a corner, with adversaries coming at me from all angles. I am hoping to hold my ground longer, at least until Mom maybe doesn't know me, or gets to the point where she doesn't function at all anymore. But right now, I just can't see myself walking away from her. She was ALWAYS there for me no matter what. She was honestly the best Mom one could ever have in so many respects. I think it's payback time now. Has anyone else had to wrestle with this? Do you agree that friends should just back off and MYOB? What business is it of theirs?? They just add fuel to my husband's push to have Mom put out to pasture. Thanks for listening.

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My first reaction was "how insensitive" and even as a joke it was in poor taste depending on how "close" these friends really are. They may perceive this is okay because you have shared so much over the years regarding moms care, your responsibilities and your occasional dream that things were different or how you thought things would be different .

You did the right thing by expressing your hurt on the rude and insensitive comment.

Has your husband approached you over the last year about his concern that you no longer have a life as a couple and encouraged you to consider outside help and getting away? Has he hinted that the marriage is suffering without outright saying those words? Is it?

We all need time away and elders who are with us every second (paying or not) are an annoyance sometimes, we all need space. Moms world is getting smaller and yes, she is losing her confidence and social skills to be open to anyone else but you and your husband. You must start weaning her to accepting outside assistance and caregiving for both your sakes. Yes, just like a toddler, she will be reluctant and clingy to you...but it will open up her world to new experiences and activities with others her age and will give you some time and space to expand your world outside your home and caregiving.

Please consider day care a couple days a week, respite care outside or in your home so you and husband can get away for a week or long weekend. You can hire care givers for elders for a few hours or maybe even a good friend would come over to keep mom company so you and your husband could have a regular date night.

You and your husband need to come first. You have been a great daughter, please don't blame husband if he is reaching a breaking point sooner than you...but please consider his feelings and expectations for the relationship and what he is willing to endure. I'm sure it's not all about the money. No one can anticipate the strain and ongoing level of care when they say "okay, let's let parents live with us".
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*******The senior centers by us offer a few hour/day, a few days/week too enrich a person's abilites. That is what I meant!
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Braida, your husband agreed to this and was properly consulted. I'd also say it was perfectly proper to consider the financial impact, mainly to ensure it wouldn't cost you more than you could afford, but there's nothing intrinsically wrong, either, with conserving your mother's money as a bonus on top of her improved quality of life. Care home groups don't need your charity.

Now it's got difficult, and I know you don't belittle or dismiss his feelings about it - for heaven's sake you share them every day! Gallows humour is one way he relieves the pressure, ok; but it's not ok when it hurts you. And backing out because the going's getting rough? Well, now…

My partner has given in: we're separating in an orderly and peaceable manner as soon as we can, after a 17 year relationship; and meanwhile he is kind and courteous to my mother. Fair enough. But am I impressed? Am I buggery!

And you've been married 35 years, it's a different thing altogether. God willing you'll be married for the rest of your allotted time, too. I feel that your husband at this point owes you teamwork. You are husband and wife. What matters to you must matter to him, and taking care of your mother is critically important to you. Dining out, a social life (though I do have to say: choose better friends!), beach holidays matter to both of you, too, of course but… they'll wait.

If you feel like looking for a compromise, respite care to let the two of you take a proper vacation might do you both good and wouldn't harm your mother. But saying 'bored now' and packing her off? Come on. That's not fair, and it's not what he, a consenting adult, agreed to. He needs to grit his teeth and lock arms with you. I don't think that's too much to ask of your life partner.
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One thing that flashed out at me, was your husband wanted to do this for money, not out of concern for your Mom Red flag! Easy money has now had its burden on him. Hope he claims HER money as income. Now you still have a needy Mom which is what she was before she moved in. You are doing what you think is best for your mother andt it is affecting your relationship with your husband. Going away for a week sounds wonderful but you will still face the same problem when you get back. Even when you entertain friends your mother is right there with you, so you are not having quality friend time, and the friends are probably not thrilled with it either.
My suggestion is to get someone to stay with her when you go out, and to also continue your vacations either have another family memeber stay at your home or use a facility which provides respite care. Also I would look into senior centers which may help stimulate the abilities your mother still has left. And give you a needed break.
As far as friends adding their opinions, they often can see things without the emotion involved that you feel. Sometimes we don't like the opinions we hear, we don't have to agree with them. State your position to them and discussing your husbands comments with him may alleviate him doing it again.
My husband has been a jokester with his mom since I have known him. The things he says makes her laugh she knows he doesnot mean it. Once she said she was never leaving her home except in a box.... my husband did not skip a beat... why a box is too expensive, we will use a big garbage bag! They laughed.... kind of silly humor.....I am sure you can work this out, but as your mother deteriorates, the stress will increase.
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Thank you all for your answers, that have given me so much to think about. Truly very helpful input!! I feel slightly bad that I painted such a greedy impression of my husband. He has been very kind and helpful to Mom along the way, really. But the "gun joke" was true. And believe me, I didn't let it go unnoticed. He, and the friends, felt very bad about it, and he apologized on the spot, but his sense of humor is just plain stupid, at times. His brothers are the same....they say sarcastic or mean things sometimes to get a laugh, and usually it falls flat, because humor should not bring pain to others. That said, the other remark about the money I feel was true at first. He wouldn't have agreed to let Mom move in without the payment, I'm sure about it. As far as talking about it thoroughly, I've been hesitant because I know (the way things have progressed now, for sure) that he would say the money means nothing, and he'd rather have our life back and our freedom back, and to hell with any money involved. That is how he feels NOW, as things have gotten tougher, more inconvenient. I'm not totally blind to his feelings. We've been married 35 years, and he is a good man in so many ways. He takes Mom to Dr's appointments, and with him to the store at times, and is very patient, kind, and gentle to her most often. Now, however, I'm more and more feeling it is coming to a decision between Mom, and my husband for me to make. Your comments have given me much to consider and think about. I value your opinions, as you have gone through things and can relate. I don't value the opinions of friends who have no clue. And honestly, none of them have a clue, as their parents have all died, and the ones who are still here were immediately put in care places and not one of them have ever cared for a parent. They are good people, but in my opinion, they are rather self centered, and live only for what fun and pleasure they can obtain for themselves. I suppose that sounds like an impossibility: good, but selfish people. ha ha. But YOU are the people who I come to for help.
Thanks you again. I have work to do!!! Planning to do!!! Thinking to do!!! :) Bless you all!
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Friends, you call them?
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Your friends have no honor or character either. I'd say piss on them all, except the one... Who needs their kind? You don't degrade the elderly, or humiliate them or embarrass them, or make them feel unwanted. Yeah, yeah, I told my mom she was a pain in my ass countless times...but I'd been saying that my whole life, not just because she became helpless. When my mom became helpless I protected her like a hawk over her nest. You don't prey on the weak, you don't treat them as less than human when they can't fight back. Those types are the lowest of the low and I don't want their kind anywhere in my world...
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Braida, in a nutshell, you've just described why I stayed the hell away from people when I was caring for my mom. God and the Devil both help anyone that would have pulled that shit that you described in front of my mom. All hell would have broken loose, and these so called 'friends' that would talk that kind of smack about my mom would have been 'friends' no longer. Yeah, my mom WAS a pain in the ass, yeah, she WAS a nuisance, yeah, she WAS a pest...but God help you if YOU said any such thing in front of me, or God forbid, her, if you called yourself my friend. I could say it...I lived it. Nobody else better say it. Sounds nuts, but that's how I feel. What you're describing is disgusting to me.

I have no respect for your loser husband. He jumped in feet first for money. Now when things have become inconvenient, he's pissing and moaning about it...as he cashes your mom's check. Most of the time I have a lot of sympathy for husbands, but I don't have one iota for yours. He has no honor and no character that I can see. He's just an opportunist. And an idiot to not have thought of your mom's eventual decline and what it might mean. He doesn't have a single right to bitch as far as I'm concerned.

Those friends wouldn't set foot in my house again, and I'd toss that husband before I'd toss my mom in those circumstances. Sheesh! I hate people sometimes..
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We are all human and sometimes an unkind sarcastic remark signals that real feelings have been bottled up. You also seem to think your husband is after your mother's money, which is not a good thought to have about one's spouse. Sounds like you both need to have an honest conversation about your feelings without getting defensive or accusatory. Even if your mom is the loveliest woman in the world, her neediness may be interfering with your marriage and your husband may be feeling this more and more as time goes on. If you think your marriage is worth saving, spend some time talking to a counselor to work things through. My guess is that this man you loved and chose to marry may just be acting inappropriately because he's been keeping his feelings bottled up. Hoping you are able to work things out for the best.
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I am not so sure that your mother did not notice the gun reference. She is just too kind to stoop to your husband's level. (my opinion only)
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I think your friends may be jealous that you get along with your mom.....bet they cannot imagine being with their own.
The gun joke, very tacky, needs to not ever happen again.
But you and hubby deserve a vacation,,,,2 weeks respite for mom at a facility, you have this extra income in your household, and you are savings mom from higher expenses of a nursing home.
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((((((braida))))) the comments are unkind, and in poor taste.
However, you said right from the start before your mum moved in that you thought that your husband was doing it for the money. Did the two of you not talk this out? Have you discussed with your husband the effect of your mum being there is having on your relationship? Have you talked about the money she pays and how important that is to the two of you vs the cost that you both are now feeling. It sounds like he is resentful, as are your friends.
Friends are one thing. It is really none of their business unless a very good friend sits you down and in a caring fashion shares some concerns. But your husband is another.
It sounds like your household is polarised - you and your mum against your husband, whose allies are your friends. This is not good. Spouses need to come first in each other's lives.
Absolutely you and your husband need some time together ad you also need to communicate about these issues and decide on the best course of action seeing that your mum may have many years ahead. The two of you need to be on the same page. Couples counselling could help, or even counselling just for you if he won't go. Priorities need to be sorted out. Your mum could do very well in assisted living. The extra social contact may be very good fir her. Payback is seeing that she is well cared for, not that you, necessarily, have to do it.
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Your husband is unhappy. But, his joke about shooting her was uncalled for! I would have probably jumped up and told everyone that the night was over and good bye!

Like I always ask - what is your plans for your mother, if she outlives you? Please make those plans and then, either let your husband go on vacation, or find a way to go with him.
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I think you are wonderful, and you are doing the right thing. Why your friends want you to be free to be with them, you are doing something important and vital to a person you love, a much higher calling. I agree that cocking the gun was cruel and insensitive, nothing funny about it. Is this the way your husband will treat you, if you become old and infirm? The suggestion to find respite care is a sound one. Some AL offer a week respite. Is your Mom a veteran or a veteran's widow? The VA offers respite care. Good luck
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I like the idea of occasional respite weeks for you and your husband, where your mom goes to a facility where she can be around others her age with some activities and you can get away to replenish your spirit and your marriage. If you're not ready to move your mom away permanently, then try just giving yourself and your husband a short-term break. Good luck and keep us posted.
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Polite, quiet, still laughs at humor, NOT incontinent, still walks on her own, still eating on her own, clean, (helped by me to keep up w/ hygiene), and kind. She doesn't sound like a candidate for a nursing home yet. The nursing home my mother is in is lovely and the staff provide the most wonderful care but the residents can mostly do nothing at all for themselves and are at the end of life stage.

I wonder if there is a middle of the road option.

1. Here in Canada many facilities are dual, assisted living and nursing home. A resident who is pretty capable, such as your mother sounds, can reside in the AL portion where there are a lot of activities and people who are quite "with it". When time comes that more care is needed then the resident just moves to the nursing home portion so it's not such a big upheaval for them.

2. Can AL accommodation be found where your mother could stay for a week or two at a time? It would get her meeting other people and give you and your hubby time to take vacations or whatever else you'd like to do. She might also like it so much she'll want to stay permanently.

You have to do something as her constant hovering over you is making you crazy and will affect your health. I don't care for your husband's attitude at all. You know him, we don't, and I'm sorry if it sounds cruel but it sounds like he just wants her money. I suspect he'd nix any idea of her going anywhere at all because he'd lose her money.

I was involved with a man many years ago, when my mother was fit, well and living alone, who kept saying "What are we going to do with all your mother's money when she's gone?". I kicked him to the curb and he subsequently died - she's still around and doing quite well considering tyvm, so Pffffft!

Again, I'm sorry if I sound cruel but if you read a lot through this site you will see that family dynamics surrounding elderly parents very often revolve around money. I'm an only child, cared for her for 4 hellish years until she needed nursing 24/7, have power of attorney and control of everything. I move money around and invest for her ongoing care. Personally, I live frugally in a tiny cottage on 2 acres way out in the country with my animals, buy little for myself and I'm totally content. I'm no saint, just very practical and, I hope, a decent human.

Do you have POA? This is essential so you have sole control. Does she have a Will? Do you have siblings or are you alone in this?

All that said, please read through this site and see just how awful things are when money becomes a motive, however thinly it is veiled. As you said yourself "part of his motivation was the money that she was paying for her lovely apt, he would now charge her for living with us." That statement alone tells me you think he just wants her money and you are torn between guilt and, deep down, "knowing". He may have thought she wouldn't be around long either.

Keep us updated ... may the Angels walk by your side through this.
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So sorry your going through this. I too have a hubby that doesn't seem to get it with his own mother who lives with us too.

it is very hard to cope sometimes but you have to remember that everyone will cope with things differently and react differently. My hubby live in the land of Denial even though he has had several doctors tell him is mom has stage 3 dementia, psychosis, depression and high anxiety and things will only progressively get worse.

Yes you love your mom and you want to do everything you can for her but sometimes as hard as it is we have to face when our care isn't the best choice. I know our parents if in their right mind would not want us to give up our lives to provide care for them. They would want us to live our lives.

We had to put my father in law in a nursing home because there was no way I could continue to proved the care he DESERVES in my home as much as I wanted not to put him in one and that's the key. Think about the care your mom deserves and the life you deserve rather than the way things are now.

If your mom were in a nursing facility she would have professional care at all times to reassure her that everything was all right. if she can't remember meeting folks enough to make friends then think every day she will make new friends. You can still go an visit as often as you want to be there for your mom and you can have the life you deserve with your husband too.

Everyone feels awful putting their loved ones into a nursing home but if you research it you will find one that is great. The only thing I would make sure of when looking is what happens when the funds run out. Do they accept Medicaid? We were lucky we found a great place for my Father In Law that also takes Medicaid so if the time comes we won't have to move him when the money is gone.

Its not about who gets the money its about what your mom and you deserve.
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You do not need to walk away from your mom. You do not need your friends in your business. What you do need is a week's vacation with your husband in a nice place with or without friends. That is why they have respite care for the elderly so that their caregivers can have a break. You owe it to yourself and your husband.
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You should go to that sunny warm place. Your friends sense your weariness and your husband's growing impatience. They are gently nudging you to find a nursing home for her. She needs friends her own age but will gladly make you her home entertainment center as long as you let her. There is a fine line between caring for your elders and letting them take over your life. Find balance, and one way to do that is let the professionals see to her care while you still enjoy the company of both of them.
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