My husband is very likely dying and I have no one to ask...
He never wanted a funeral. I want to respect that. His best friends feel that a funeral isn't about him, since he'll be gone. I understand the philosophy, but I also know what he wants. He's made it very clear.
Meanwhile, his dad thinks it would be great for me to come visit later and thinks I will fall in love with the area he lives in and will want to move there.
My aunt thinks that she and I will be little old ladies together, maybe travel a little, and just be girls together.
Even my husband has told me he's figured out who my next partner will be.
I'm looking for a graceful and gracious way to tell them that I want to honor his wishes and that I wouldn't want to live with the knowledge I violated his wishes.
We moved to a small town about 18 months ago - and bought a house together, which I just love. We selected this location because he wanted to be near his friend (who wants me to have a funeral) to retire with. I don't want to move again. I'm 64 years old and I've moved my whole life. I don't want to move. So, I'm also looking for a graceful and gracious to tell my last 2 family members (both my marriage) that I don't want to move. I don't have great friends here, but I'm so comfortable here and I HAVE built SOME relationships.
I find it annoying that these people are trying to dictate what you do.
They should be offering for you to let them know if there is anyway they can help you and leave it at that.
You have a lot of good suggestions from the others.
(((Hugs)))
I wouldn't discuss the funeral or lack thereof with anyone anymore. None of their business. Do what you are comfortable with. Some won't like it but too bad. While my mom is not actively dying I have been figuring out how I would like to handle arrangements when she does pass. I'm trying to honor her wishes but can't stomach the idea of doing the traditional wake and then a funeral with a service as well. I want none of that for myself.
Live where you want. Do what you want. Sure, go visit dad and auntie. But don't stay! Make up reasons that you need to get going home and stick to them.
Instead I went on to remarry and have children.
Beware of people who want to move you (ultimately for their own benefit) when you are vulnerable.
Stand your ground and be direct.
“I find great comfort in this home that he and I chose together. I can’t bear to leave it and the memories we made here.” (that was my pat response when told to move)
”He did not want a funeral and I am more obliged to honour his wishes than yours.”
This may be controversial, but I’m going to put it out there because I’m a bit twisted and use humour to cope. I do not know your husband’s situation, ability to cope, stamina or comfort, but would he consider a pre-funeral party? Wild. Sedate. Whatever. It always seemed to me odd that we honour the person once they were too dead to know it.
When a friend died recently (far away), we held a potluck dinner at another friend’s. We laughed. We cried. We exchanged stories about her. We shared photos. We had such a great time together, talking about her and all the fun we had with her. Then we all cried again. She’d have approved.
Do what is right for you and your husband. Grieving is very personal. Anyone who tries to bully a widow is a jerk. If the friend wants, he can host a gathering later in his honour. (like a team or club might do) But he shouldn’t dictate whether or not you have a funeral.
This satisfies everyone and your husband gets what he wants.
I mean really who's more important here, your husband or his friends and your family?
And it's your life. If you want to stay put where you are then you stay put. It's been said that one shouldn't make any major decisions for at least 6 months after a major loss, so give yourself some time before you make any drastic changes.
When my late husband was dying he said that he wanted to die at home and I knew that I would do everything in my power to make that happen.
Towards the end of his 6 week dying process, with hospice not able to keep his extreme pain under control, his nurse told me that because he was at this point unconscious, that I should let them take him to their hospice home where they could give him much stronger pain medication(that they're not allowed to give in a home setting)and that my husband would never know. I responded that he may never know, but I would and I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I didn't honor his last wishes.
So the morale of the story is you do what you know you can live with when it's all said a done. You won't regret it.
And if your family and friends don't respect yours and your husbands wishes well that is on them and not you.
I'm sorry that you'll be losing your husband, but I'm here to tell you that life does go on and if you allow it you will find joy again in your life in whatever ways you choose.
God bless you.
At one point my DH said he wanted his ashes buried next to his favorite dog’s remains – I’m glad that’s an idea from quite a long time ago! The one thing I don’t like is to keep your husband’s remains in a jar on a shelf!
Regarding all these future plans for your life, I’d suggest that you say that you want six months at least to recover from the stresses, and at the end of that you will consider what changes you want to make. That’s a softer answer than ‘no’, and the pressure will have dropped by itself while you ‘wait’.
So, don't have a "funeral"
Have a "FUN real"
at a time of YOUR choosing have a gathering and spend time with friends and family.
Frankly I would prefer a gathering of friends and family while I can still enjoy the "party". Maybe your husband would appreciate that as well. (just a thought)
Any other question feel free to tell them that you have made no plans yet. You will make no decisions at this time.
And to use "Dear Abby" line MYOB (mind your own business)
I am currently living in a house that is more than I need. BUT it was a house we shared. It is close to family and more important it was built handicap accessible so I can easily age into it. And that made it easy to care for my Husband the last 3-4 years of his life. And when I moved into this house 13 years ago I said I will NEVER move again..they can put a tag on my toe and haul me out feet first!
When your husband starts talking about "your next partner" it is to probably let you know that he does not want you "alone" for the rest of your life and that he wants you "taken care of"
Just let him know that you will be alright.
"Meanwhile, his dad thinks it would be great for me to come visit later and thinks I will fall in love with the area he lives in and will want to move there." Yeah, he wants a Caregiver and u will be it.
"My aunt thinks that she and I will be little old ladies together, maybe travel a little, and just be girls together." Again, Yeah, she wants a Caregiver and u will be it.
At this point, I would not even discuss it. After he passes you then say "Not making any plans right now. They say not to make any big decisions the first year". If they continue to bring up the subject, you tell them "I said a year". After the year you say "I found I really like it here and I am not moving. Tired of moving". If they continue to bother you, you may just have to be very firm and say "NO! I have made up my mind and I am staying here." "We will not discuss this anymore."
It is as simple as saying to THEM what you have said here.
Everyone is trying to be helpful in their way. So it is as simple as truthfully responding with:
"I appeciate your trying to help with plans, but the plans are already made. My husband and I have made the plans and we are comfortable with them".
Then add if need be a personal note. ie "My husband doesn't/didn't want services. I intend to honor his wishes." (Note the "I INTEND TO)
For Aunt "I really don't wish to think as far ahead as you are right now; I would like to remain more mindful".
Just TELL THE TRUTH. There is no reason not to, and it can be done perfectly sweetly.
You don't owe anyone any explanation. You can simple say gently "I don't wish to discuss this right now".
Or tell them the above. Or tell them ANYTHING you want.
I don't quite understand your thinking you have to tell all these people what you guess they would like most to hear. They are well meaning but on the periphery of your life. Let them remain there. Let them make you a nice casserole. In fact say "You know how you can best help me right now? How about a nice casserole; I love your ragu".
Let them know you will let them know your plans as this all plays out.
You are worrying too much about others right now.
On some level this may be a way to avoid the immediacy of what is happening for you, of the unpredictability of this loss and what it may mean for your life. So it's OK. It is ALL OK, except for the fact of this dreadful loss of the one you love. That isn't OK at all. But you will get through this somehow, a day at a time. You have my sympathy and I hope things go as well as they can for your dear hubby, and for you.
You and hubby may get a chuckle out of the poet and undertaker Thomas Lynch who says that "Once someone is dead there is nothing that anyone can do for, with, to, or about them that will make any difference whatsoever to them."
I sure hope you will update us as you make this journey together, and will keep updating as you move on.
On the serious side, OP is in a very unsparing place right now, and I totally agree that she doesn't owe anybody anything about life changes while navigating this formidable situation. I also hope things go as well as they can for her and her spouse. If I find myself in a similar situation--which could happen at our ages--your counsel would be helpful to remember.
I, too, hope that OP will keep us in the loop.
As for a funeral, fine -- abide by your husband's wishes. A funeral has a body, (eww), and is sober and churchy. I don't want one either. I've told my husband I have no interest in attending such a gathering for me, and I know that he'll honor that wish because he sees me as a heathen anyway. He'll do something so he can go to church and do all that, but I won't be there.
However, if people want a gathering where they can reminisce, it's not right to dig in and say your husband didn't want it. Mind you, you don't have to participate, finance it, or even attend, but if there are enough people who want to gather to remember him, that's a wonderful tribute to him and shouldn't be dismissed out of hand.