My mother in law who has alzheimers and dementia (and her dog) moved in with my husband and I about 10 months ago. She was living with her longtime partner but he passed away.
It was either a NH or our home at that point. She is unable to cook or even remember to eat as well as keeping herself safe. When my sister in law came to us about moving ML in to our home, both my HB and I made the decision to have her move in. At this point, I had no idea how it would affect us.
ML has severe alzh and dementia, she needs 24/7 care. She needs help with everything except using the bathroom, and cannot be left alone. She recently started having BM accidents and chokes on her food sometimes. ML gets easily confused, asks the same questions or tells the same story over and over all day long. I am her main caregiver because I work from home. I take care of all of her needs (HB has started helping more on his days off but this just recently changed. She has in home care set up with her grand daughter who has been helpful. She helps her shower every other day and keeps her on Fridays for a few hours every week but also has a full time job so her ability to help during the week or weekends is limited). My SL also recently started taking ML during the day on weekends. We have ML Mon-Thurs full time and evenings/ nights the rest of the week.
I feel like my life has completely changed and is starting to affect my relationship with my HB.
MIL hates me. She doesn't hate me as much when my HB is at work or gone. When HB is home, she sticks to his side at all times. I cannot have a conversation with HB in front of ML because she gets agitated (if looks could kill, I'd be dead). She is rude to me and treats me like sh*t. She has cussed at me, tells me this is her house (she thinks we moved in with her) and has constantly told me to get the f**k out of her house. When my HB is not home, she can be sweet and is not as rude to me so I understand it is a jealousy thing.
We have had to watch what we do or say in front of her to avoid putting her in a bad mood. Little things that we use to do such as giving my HB a kiss goodbye when he leaves or comes home, sitting next to each other at the dinner table, watching a movie together in the living room, having a conversation are all things we can't do anymore because it makes ML angry. Being able to go to the grocery store or appts. for my self and kids without having someone watch ML are things I can't do anymore. I sound selfish but those are all things that are important to me and I feel like it is affecting our relationship.
I have talked with my HB several times about how I feel but last night, I told him I am done. I am mentally exhausted. I can't do it anymore. A couple of weeks ago she complained and criticized our dinner and said how s****y it was for the entire time that we ate because she knew I made dinner and my HB sat next to me. For 30 to 45 minutes I had to listen to how horrible my food was (even though she ate it all). I lost it! Got up and said "better than nursing home food" this went right over her head and she forgot I even said that 5 seconds later but I know it hurt my HB and I feel terrible about it (for him). This is not who I am or who I want to be. I usually just take her words and try to not let it bother me but lately I feel like I've had enough.
HB does not think ML is ready to be in a NH and thinks I need help. ML is helpless. He says I should block everything she says and let it go because she has a disease and this is temporary. He is not forcing me to keep taking care of her but he is definitely making me feel guilty for saying I can't do it anymore. His solution is to hire someone to come in and take care of her while he is at work. This would help but it wouldn't change the way she treats me or give us back our "normal life". Also, before ML moved in, we saw her no more than 1 or 2 times per year so I am a complete stranger to her and I never had a relationship with her. Please help.
DH,
1) Do you realize how much being a. fulltime caregiver sucks the life from you?
2) Do you care that your marriage can become irrevocably altered and damaged by the stress of being a caregiver?
3) She is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive now, it will not get better, it will only escalate as time passes. What are you going to do to alleviate this?
4) Are you willing to entertain the thought of the damage done to your children because they have to live in this situation and witness her behavior?
5) Can you see that your mom needs more help medically than can be provided in a home setting? Her choking is a part of the disease, their body forgets how to swallow correctly which leads to food aspiration into her lungs, then infection, pneumonia sets in, a viscous cycle of hospital, home, hospital, home, thickeners in her water so she can hydrate, pureed food because they forget how to chew, easier to swallow.
6) Guilt is not for one brave enough to do what is in mom's best interests for HER care, wellbeing, and safety. It is one of the hardest, most heartbreaking decisions made out of love and respect that you can do. Are you brave enough to make that decision? You can then go back to being her son and advocate, knowing that you made the best decision for her, not you, not your sister, but her.
If anything I have said insults you, I apologize in advance, it was never my intention. I just want you to really consider what your options are and damage that can be done if it is not addressed in a prompt manner. Many of us have walked this path and are trying to help you understand the toll it takes on your family and you.
What happens if you get sick? Can your husband handle her medical care? You need a backup caregiver for emergencies. Your husband needs to take FULL care and RESPONSIBILITY for a few days to see what it is really like. The best way is for you to take a few days away from the house so he can't try to get you to take over. I did that with my husband and he didn't even last more than a few hours before he roped in my mother to take over. I ended up coming back the same day.
Your MIL knows enough, and has enough control, to behave better when your husband is home and save most of the abuse for when you are alone with her. This has reached the point where you can't give her the best care and she needs more than you can provide.
There is no shame in letting her go to a facility that has experienced staff to take care of her. Her son can still participate in her care by supervising her care and visiting her. That is what SHE needs.
First of all your Mothers In Laws situation IS NOT going to get better. She probably no longer has the mental capacity to change. And what ever capacity she has left she is getting great pleasure out of being devisive between you and your husband
In order for the marriage to survive there has to be one non negotiable agreement.
Both of you must (not should) agree the needs and health of your marriage come first. If you can not get that.. From my personal experience I know.. you don't have a marriage.
when I gave this ultimatim to my wife she sided with her Mother. Like you I had finally had enough of the abuse from my Mother in law. I was completly exausted and punch drunk. What AMPLIFIES this is when your spouse does not stand up for you. I know from tolerating it for many years. There is nothing more degrading, demorlizing than this envirnment. And it happens EVERY DAY.
This is your spouses responsibility to correct. The both of you needs to sit down with Mom and lay out clear ground rules. Let her know if she can not be respectful and supportive of you and the marriage you will be left with NO OTHER option but to move her to a home. This is YOUR house she has gotta live by your rules.
A big mistake we made was keeping my Mother in law in her house and moving in with her. We lost ALL leverage.
Based on the description you have given of your MIL condition it sounds like he time to be in some sort of full time care facility is way past due.
your spouse needs to decide who is his priority you his marriage or his Mother. Inthis kind of situation he cannot have it all. Letting this continue he is doing extreme damage to you and to your relationship. Candidly do not be suprised if he picks Mom. I am stunned at how many adult children pick the parent. In our case my wife demolished our whole family because of her obbsession with her Mother. This has deeply effected our adult chilren and the relationship they have with there Mother.
My Mother in law is in a home now. My wife lives alone in her Mothers home. I live alone. Our children only engage with their Mother when they absolutly have to. We have boys. They see this as adults and see their Mother completly abandoned their Father. This entire event has affected how they look at marriage, having children everything. The damage done when spouses do not put the needs of the marriage first are FAR reaching and last for generations.
This isn't your mother in law's fault. She has a disease. But her disease is destroying your marriage...slowly. Like termites in a house. You don't need a support group. You need your husband to wake up.
Having him read through the advice coming from complete strangers has helped his mindset too.
That’s how they get with this disease. It doesn’t get better. Only worse! My mother has dementia & I’m her primary caregiver...w help part time pvt pay aide. My mother is incontinent & immobile. She tells me often to leave “her” house & go live on street as a prostitute. Mind you, I have 2 Masters degrees, CPA & Teaching licenses. I put everything on back burner to take care of her. I was Sub Teaching part time until March...Anyway, I’m her daughter, not DIL ...She’s 93 & I just do what I can to make her comfortable. She don’t remember 5 minutes after abusing me..I don’t recommend keeping MIL at your home. You will regret it because your marriage will suffer...HUGS 🤗
Not sure if there is a resemblance, but it's very possible your MIL's brain is somewhere in the past and your husband looks like a younger version of husband at a time she remembers. Some dementia patients, for whatever reason, seem to think other women/men are after their spouse. They can tell some pretty far fetched stories about what they saw spouse and 'other woman' doing right before their eyes. If her mind sometimes thinks it's hubby, she may think you're trying to get her man. She might also remember your husband with a very early girlfriend and thinks you're trying to come in between them.
If he refuses to change, your next step is to move out temporarily, and leave him to cope (which is pretty much what he is doing to you are present). It may be the only way to get him to see the real situation. If he doesn’t like you taking it down to the wire, you can always tell him to ‘get over it’. Is there anywhere you can go with the kids? Can SIL help for a week or so if she understand what’s going on? Just remember that if you do move out either temporarily or permanently, he WILL have to change either his life or MIL’s life.
I have had MY OWN MOTHER with me since 6/2018 and I am going nuts!!!!!!
No ALZ yet, but the dementia is getting worse!!!!!!
It is 24/7 and I have ZERO help.......
Mine does absolutely nothing!!!!!!!!
Now, she won’t even get dressed!!!!!!
Just pushes her Walker from bedroom to sunroom and back!
WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!
I am retired and this is DEFINITELY NOT, how I want to live my life!!!!!!
Sorry, its just that when i come across stories like this, it makes me so angry and sad, cuz this isn't how marriage works, and being a caregiver is a really difficult thing to do without sacrificing giving up some things that make you happy and its not fair, and happy couples can get destroyed in the process if theres not a mutual support within that couple.
We all love our parents(their generally the ones mostly needing caregivers), and someone elses parents too, but when it comes to caring for them, its just really hard and making decisions on someone elses behalf, and dealing with their stuff along with your own, it dont seem like your husband has a clue. He should, he needs to, thats his mother he's brushing off on you to deal with, and if she has alz, and he saysyou should take that into consideration, why dont he? When she walks away and can't be found, whose he gonna blame, she falls and breaks something, whoes fault will it be?yours, so unless your prepaired to be buried in guilt, it's time you decide or your husband does and will, is it you or his mother...time waits for no one.
Pray about it, God will not take you where He cannot sustain you.
Ill keep you in my prayers, God Bless You
Your husband needs to consider that this is HIS mother, not yours. How would he feel if the situation was reversed? Could he cope with looking after and putting up with the restrictions and the hostility, would he care for your mother during the day; even though she proved to be manipulative and hostile as soon as you appeared?
The hostility is not easy to live with but much easier to dismiss if it is levelled at somebody else. I have seen this several times with mental health issues. The objectivity is maintained until it becomes personal! We know your MIL can't help it but her hostility is real. This often develops into violence as the condition worsens, starting with poking or swatting away a hand but progressing to slapping etc. You have identified she has feelings of aggression, don't wait for the next step.
In my opinion she is in need of a NH in her and your own best interests.
Good luck!
Dealing her mom would be easy compared to taking on another man that was decidedly taking over the head of household role in his mind.
I wonder if he would just stand by while his wife was physically abused by her dad and treated like she was his wife? All with 4 sets of young eyes watching that dad is verbally, emotionally and mentally abused by grandpa while mom says, suck it up and take it like a man, further abusing him and if that is not enough they get to see what domestic violence looks like while grandpa slaps mom around.
I think that someone should call child protective services (department of child services) and get these kids on the radar if their dad is going to continue to subject his family to the abuse of his mom. They need to be protected and it seems if he isn't going to do it.
I don't know if I could stay with a male that is more worried about what others will think than protecting his family. I just couldn't respect him or trust him if he didn't do the right thing with this situation.
Your priorities are: 1. Your wife, 2. Your kids, 3. Your mother.
Your wife took no vows regarding your mother so get over any notion she is obligated to care for her. She is not.
Stand up for your wife to your mother, find a nice AL facility near by where you can visit her. Get the staff to give her a tour. Visit the actual room where she will be living. After the tour, back at home, tell her that was her room and it’s a done deal. Let the battle begin, listen to her but don’t weaken. This is for your wife, you can do it. Then move her to the facility and walk away for a week before you visit. When she tells you she won’t stay there, tell her she is free to go anywhere but your house. It’s what’s best for everybody. Just do it.
talk to a lawyer too.