I divorced several years ago after my first marriage. Currently I am 38. I started a brand new relationship with my fiancé who is 42. We’ve moved in together in a cozy apartment almost 2 years ago. Our relationship is still strong. However, not our finances. With rent sky high, our combined earnings leaves us with hardly any for disposable income and savings. Burdening all costs to rent. My fiancé is very close to his mom he visits her 3 times a week and she passes by our apartment about 2 in average while I’m at work. She’s sweet, quiet and reserved. I’m not very close to her because she’s quiet and reserved. She only has a handful of friends. So she heavily relies on my fiancé and his brother for entertainment outside the home. whether it’s shopping or going to get coffee. She often complains of loneliness. Watches TV all day. Living alone in a 4 bedroom house. She’s 70 and on retirement, also cost burdened by her mortgage. However her mortgage is less than half what we pay for rent. She asked if we can move in. Where I can pay half the mortgage and my spouse the other half. Helping her with the elimination of loneliness, allowing her to have more money to spend during her golden years and allowing her to live with her son again. Me on the other hand I can resume on saving money and being able to go to concerts, go shopping or vacations once in a while. Sounds like a win/win. However I’m not confident this is a good idea. Compromising our own time where sometimes we have our own weekend plans either as a couple or with friends. Wouldn’t want her to feel excluded but at the same time it’s essential. I work over 40 hours a week on the general Monday-Friday 9-5 grind, first thing I like to do when I get home is take off my shoes and wear my sock slippers. As silly as I look I feel comfortable then make dinner after which I enjoy. I don’t know how comfortable I would feel doing that at her house. We also invite friends over often. What’s at stake for saving money on all parties in conjunction to relieve her loneliness can be test for me, actually, I’m terrified. She is at risk of depression from her loneliness and just hitting the big 70 last month. I would also feel guilty being a factor to her loneliness and depression. What are your thoughts?
You don't have a peace! Don't do it!
Loneliness at this degree is like a black hole for the one suffering with it. Not only will you have to give up enjoying elements of your life, the rest will be sucked into this black hole. You two can find an alternative to your living arrangement.
The other thing I find a bit curious is the idea that you and your fiance/husband (whenever that happens) would be splitting the mortgage cost on mom's house in return for being there to care for her...do I have that right? I understand it works out to be less than you are paying now but I'm not sure I see equity or long term upside of living in mom's house, caring for her and paying the bills...I think perhaps some discussions about how this can be made equitable for everyone and protect your futures. If mom ended up needing full time skilled care of some sort and moved to a facility would you then need to leave the home you have been paying for and established? These discussions should include fiance's siblings of course too because they would be the ones to disagree with things in the future if anyone would. Seems to me you and fiance are talking about doing a huge service for the family and people shouldn't loose sight of this, it might be a little different for fiance/son/brother even though he is still giving a lot of himself but especially for you, this is a sacrifice even if it is a willing one. Things like turning the house over to the two of you or giving you "life time" use, maybe putting a private mortgage on the house to cover you and husband (I'm assuming by then) from having it sold out from under you and or giving you back some of the equity you will have into it when the estate is settled. You might consult an Estate Attorney and if possible one versed in Elder Care prep as well. Something should be formalized to protect you in the event you live there for the next 10-15 years caring for mom and paying the bills, raising your family. But I wouldn't push for these money details to be set up until you and mom have spent enough "practice" time together to know setting up house together is going to be doable. This means knowing that you and fiance can live your lives not curtail them and that mom can too.
You might start even with encouraging his mom to interact outside of her sons. Maybe a class, a senior center once or twice a week, maybe a group of some sort or reestablishing contact with old friends or making new ones in her neighborhood. Maybe you should start making contacts in the neighborhood and then finding a way to include her (perhaps there are other families around with couples your age and parents in the same house or nearby or helping to care for grandchildren.
Im starting to think moving in is a recipe for disaster. As both our personalities holds a strong barrier in between. But at the same time barriers constantly broken on my relationship with my fiancé. I have a son who’s 21. This really makes me think when I’m older. I told him, I’d never be a burden to you I will never want to be a burden. Especially when one would have their career and own family. Tending to an elderly mom daily is draining
Sharing might work out, it might not. Start off with a clear time limit and a clear future plan for when you leave (with luck because you have saved some money and got married). You can always change your mind and stay, but if leaving was the original arrangement it should make it a lot easier to go – it doesn’t have to be because you feel it’s failed. If you decide to stay indefinitely, sort out the house ownership then.
And does the verbiage about YOU contributing to her depression come from you independently or elsewhere?
As far as moving in with her I think it would put a huge strain on your relationship. What if she starts to act out prior to a long planned vacation so that you don't go? I have had this happen with my mother a few years ago and it put a major damper on that vacation. Or doesn't like friends over (my mother) unless it is a relative.
I agree about it being a struggle to house two women in one house that have each been the captains of their own ships. My mother is just now starting to let me do dishes or laundry or just about any normal household chore without telling me how I'm doing it wrong. Imagine if she wouldn't say anything directly to you but complained to your significant other? Effectivly putting him in the position of having to choose. Since you are not married and do not have any type of contractual obligation with her it would really put you at a disadvantage.
Why are you feeling like you are responsible in any way for her mental state?
First, as others have said, it is her house, it will be her rules. Your boyfriend is already too attached to his mommy, they are seeing each other 5 days a week out of 7.
I am going to be 85 in a few days. At her age I was still working. 70 is not old.
I had my mother live with me and it helped break up that marriage. Most houses are not big enough for two women, and it will always be her home.
If you are still unsure, why don't you just stay there for a month or two, keep your apartment, see how it goes.
You are not married to this man, I don't know why, but that alone is a red flag for me. You will have no rights at all.
Please think long and hard before doing this.
Its definitely a red flag indeed. It really puts me in perspective of what sacrifice I’m willing to take. The comfort of my own home and domain or financial freedom. What’s also bizarre is that she only wants to socializes with her sons and a few other immediate family members like her siblings. But never really goes beyond. That’s another red flag. What’s wrong with meeting new people and developing new relationships? Both are sacrifices to consider but now I know which sacrifice I have to choose.
Best of luck.
You will help pay a mortgage...what are you going to get if you break up? If you were to buy a house at least you would have the ability to get back what you have paid when the house is sold. Yes I realize that you get nothing if you continue to rent but this is helping someone else pay off a house.
How much time will you have to yourselves?
This will still be HER house.
How much care giving will you be expected to do if and when she needs it.
She is still pretty young and this could be a long road a head of you. (70 may not seem young to you but there may be a 10 to 20 years left in the "old girl") Are you up for that?
If you decide to do this it might be a good idea to get a "rental" agreement written what she expects from the two of you and what you expect. This is sort of like any other "room mate" or "house sharing".
One thing that hasn't been brought up--would the arrangement of living in the fiance's mother's house be long-term or essentially permanent/indefinite? Or is it just something for a few years until the OP and her husband move somewhere else--perhaps allowing them to save some money before getting their own place [again]? If the latter, what would be the point at which this is done? If the mother's health changes (particularly if something happened relatively soon and suddenly), what decisions will be made regarding that--would you automatically "be enrolled" as caregivers--perhaps causing you to have to change your own plans if you really wanted to move out to have your own place again? In any case, the time frame (along with the inherent "what if's") is an extremely important thing to consider.
Many of us have had this burden put upon us, of having a parent make us responsible for their entertainment, happiness, quality of life. It will suffocate you, damage your spirit and will damage your relationship with your fiance. You will get into toe to toes with him over her - you want a weekend away with him, he feels bad not inviting Mom. When you assume responsibility for a parent's well being and quality of life so early, by the time the parent develops health issues, you're already burned out.
At your age (I have a pair of jeans older than you), 70 seems elderly. To those of us in that age vicinity, being 70 means still taking classes, going out with friends, walking in the breast cancer walk, volunteering and, well, still active and vital. She can certainly choose to be a hermit, but don't let her choose that for you two.
Yrsliz, what are u going to do if this does not work out. Do u have enough money to leave? Or are u going to be stuck in a situation u can't get out of.
Once your fiance is back under the roof with his Mom, Mom once again becomes the "parent" and your fiance becomes the "child". You will find that Mom knows best regarding cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. even if your way makes more sense. Then Mom will feel you are in intruder. I hope I am wrong, but from other writers on this website I have read more and more serious issues after there is a parent under the same roof.
Your fiance's Mom need to go out an do volunteer work as Barb had mentioned. I am older than your future Mom-in-law and I do both [work and volunteer]. I am a shy person but this works for me. Find out what Mom-in-law is passionate about and see if any volunteers are needed. Volunteering is such a feel-good moment :)
What you're doing - BB - is an investment! For my parents, it was incompetence and apathy, is probably why I'm twitchy about it.
It's that she has a mortgage that she seems to not be able to afford. That is a signal that she should be living someplace less expensive, not that her kids should move in.
Her son is home at the apartment when she drops by 2X a week? Does he work? Work from home?
Remember...This is her house, her rules. I would make sure that you make it very clear what you expect out of this arrangement. Exactly what you said here. And make sure she understands this arrangement is working both ways, she is profiting too.
I also wonder why a 70 yr old has a Mortgage? Have everything in writing.
It's not promising, is it?
How come she's still paying a mortgage aged 70? Is this a reverse mortgage or was she a slow starter?
I wouldn't say it couldn't work, but I think you need to get a lot of straight answers to important questions before you make this into an actual plan.
Yea it’s definitely a big deal for me (like to anyone) feeling like your home is your sanctuary. The sense of peace is gone. I’m not the type that likes to compete for attention but I’m also not one to feel ok with feeling disregarded.
Has your fiance been married before? Did he live with his mother before moving in with you two years ago?
Does your fiance have siblings? Are they close to their mother, also? Or is it your fiance who is expected to take care of their mother? Beware...
My fiance was never married and has no kids
You pay half the mortgage, boyfriend pays other half. Mom pays nothing?
When mom dies, who is the house left to?
If mom needs to go on Medicaid, lien is placed on the house that you have been sinking money into.
You are getting no equity for your money.
If you need financial advice, try Dave Ramsey or www.bogleheads.org for better ways to manage this situation.
There is something mentally "off" about your boyfriend's mother. She needs to be seen by a mental health professional.
Also, she is not your MIL yet. Until you're actually married, why take on any responsibility for his mom?
The question is, "Fiance". Perhaps, you can speed up the wedding vows and have the marriage at your future MIL's home and save on expense, get the marriage license from the court, find a pastor or someone ,Captain of a ship to marry you in your MIL home and do talk about your family and friends coming over. Then do sit down with MIL and talk about the chores, what is and what is not expected or accepted. Do include her in many of your events. Do tell her you still have date night once a month, and wink. :) Look, life is an adventure, if you can and are willing to try it, why not? It sounds like a win/win. Know that everyone needs a bit of space, including her, your future husband, and you of course. Maybe you can find activitivies to do together outside the home. Know that it is her home. How does your future husband feel about it? I would try to get the marriage certificate and wedding plans in place if at all possible. MIL may feel really happy about helping you plan it and picking out the cake, and all the fun stuff. You don't need a fancy wedding for the 2nd marriage do you? Fun and happy vows and your first authentic party at your new home . Happy !!