Hello, I posted back in January and a lot has happened since. My mom is on hospice for 20 months now. CHF, COPD, and multiple other issues. 20 months ago, they told us at the hospital she had 4-8 weeks to live and suggested hospice. So that is what we did.
Here is what has recently happened:
2/27/23 I get called saying her limbs are already cold, she is not responsive when trying to wake her, etc. etc. They told me she has begun actively transitioning. 24 hours later? Wide awake asking for her favorite foods having no idea what they were talking about.
3/11/23 Starts seeing things that are not there and thinking she has gone places she has not. Two days later, realizes she was mistaken and thought it was weird. Keeps living like normal and "improving" from super low BP.
4/7/23 All week was acting weird. Seeing and hearing incorrect things, mean, nasty, making accusations (reminded me of when we were young as she was untreated bipolar/borderline and was very mean growing up.) Then Saturday morning 4/8/23 could not be woken up, congestions that was audible and BP was the scary lowest/ ICU level. They called me and said (one week ago today!!) she would be gone within 24 hours based on her vitals and condition. To come say goodbye.
Here we are 4/15/23. She is wide awake, eating, laughing, talking, asking to go outside which we did. I have been there every single day for hours for the last week straight. She is totally back to normal again.
Mind you, we have had what they call "episodes" of her going totally out/unable to wake up, audible congestion, high heart rate, etc. This was in 9/2021, 4/2022 and 12/2022 and back then said, "we cannot really tell which way this is going." Never until this year did, they tell me twice she was actively dying and to come say goodbye.
Has anyone else experienced these seemingly regular rallies?! It is exhausting. Emotionally and just every way I am so tired. I have no more I can say or do that I have not already with her. I am finally ready to let her go. I can finally see how bad her quality of life is. She cannot use her legs at all, one arm works, she is in bed all the time. Yet, she is not ready to go. I have so much respect for our Souls purpose. So, while part of me understands when it is not your time it is not, and when it is it is. It is just all this back and forth that I am handling poorly. I do not *want* my mom to die. I want her to be healthy and pull a wild miracle out of the air, start walking with help from PT, go to assisted living and live her life. We all know that is not happening. She gets worse and worse after each of these "episodes”, and I am losing my mind. I sure hope someone else gets this because I feel crazy... I barely work (I am self-employed), talk to friends, etc. I just shut down and cannot seem to DO much when this happens. I have a therapist. I have a support group I just went to last week that meets Mondays. I have people. Just nothing feels right. I am hesitant to post but chose to anyway. People can be so wonderful, and others just see the surface and judge. I will take my chances and hope someone else reading this has been there. Thanks for reading.
My emotions have been put through the wringer. I too wish she could be back to being with her walker and I pick her up from AL. I don't welcome her death but the suffering is so difficult. She was dropped at her previous facility and both femurs were broken. Then she developed a serious bedsore which she still has.
Her hospice nurse does feel this is the end since she is no longer eating. I wish you peace. I know how terribly difficult this all is.
We didn't have quite such wild ups and downs as you've had, but it was indeed a rollercoaster of health crises for her and emotions for us.
You've said your goodbyes, so I'd say to feel free not to jump when the next crisis call comes if you don't feel up to it. It won't matter whether to rush to her bedside yet again. Do what's best for you now.
Sounds like mom has some "unfinished business"
Have you talked to her at times when she is "back to normal"? It would be interesting to see what she says.
I can understand how this can be upsetting. And yeah, you don't "want" your mom to die but I am sure that the stress of this is not doing you any good. Particularly given what you mentioned about what was probably a rough childhood.
Support Groups are great.
Keep talking to your therapist.
((hugs)) hang in there.
You want it to be over but you don't because you know the finality when she finally does die.
Yet the anticipatioary grief is far worse because you don't get to fully grieve when she rallies but you also may have some guilt of feeling relief that it's finally happening and then it doesn't and your back in this seemingly endless loop.
You've said your goodbyes enough for three or four lifetimes already.
Now its time for you to start living your life while mom transitions from life to death in her bodies own time. Which could be tomorrow or weeks or even months from now.
And it's perfectly OK and normal for you to want mom to die and finally be at peace.