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I could practically write your post. My mother appears to be winding down as she now is no longer eating at all. She is still drinking. I have been told since November of 2020 her days are very numbered. Put on palliative care twice only to be removed from it. She is in a different facility now since then on hospice.

My emotions have been put through the wringer. I too wish she could be back to being with her walker and I pick her up from AL. I don't welcome her death but the suffering is so difficult. She was dropped at her previous facility and both femurs were broken. Then she developed a serious bedsore which she still has.

Her hospice nurse does feel this is the end since she is no longer eating. I wish you peace. I know how terribly difficult this all is.
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TootsieT Apr 2023
Wow... blessings to you and yours as well. This is very similar indeed and so hard. I wish you both peace as well. ~ Thank you for sharing/replying it was so helpful.
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I kept a running journal of my mom's care the last two years of her life and finally started drawing a picture of a rollercoaster and adding a little upward or downward curve depending on how her day went. By the end it was quite a ride.

We didn't have quite such wild ups and downs as you've had, but it was indeed a rollercoaster of health crises for her and emotions for us.

You've said your goodbyes, so I'd say to feel free not to jump when the next crisis call comes if you don't feel up to it. It won't matter whether to rush to her bedside yet again. Do what's best for you now.
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TootsieT Apr 2023
So smart to journal... I hope it helped you. Thank you for replying and your feedback so much. ~
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First thing I thought of was...
Sounds like mom has some "unfinished business"
Have you talked to her at times when she is "back to normal"? It would be interesting to see what she says.
I can understand how this can be upsetting. And yeah, you don't "want" your mom to die but I am sure that the stress of this is not doing you any good. Particularly given what you mentioned about what was probably a rough childhood.
Support Groups are great.
Keep talking to your therapist.
((hugs)) hang in there.
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TootsieT Apr 2023
Agreed on the unfinished business. No idea what it could be as she does not choose to talk to or see hardly any people. Guess time will tell. Thank you for the feedback, thoughts and hugs. ~
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Yup. This is difficult. My mom has 9 lives. 3 near death hospitalizations in 2 years and rallied. Even went to memory care for a year and woke up almost clear headed…then another move to an assisted living where for two years she was quite functional…..now back to extreme mental confusion. She is physically strong, mentally weak with Lewy Body Dementia. Even with my therapist and great friends this has drained me also. Moms 89 …I expect she will make it to 100…I will be 83 at that time..as my crusty friend says…Life! Good luck…I feel your pain.
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TootsieT Apr 2023
LOL 9 lives... I have heard that tossed around a few times about my mom as well. It is tough. Sounds like you have been in a very similar situation with a lot of back and forth. Thank you for sharing. Sending you all love. ~
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I get it all these close calls and death is eminent predictions and then she rallies would be making me crazy too.

You want it to be over but you don't because you know the finality when she finally does die.

Yet the anticipatioary grief is far worse because you don't get to fully grieve when she rallies but you also may have some guilt of feeling relief that it's finally happening and then it doesn't and your back in this seemingly endless loop.

You've said your goodbyes enough for three or four lifetimes already.

Now its time for you to start living your life while mom transitions from life to death in her bodies own time. Which could be tomorrow or weeks or even months from now.

And it's perfectly OK and normal for you to want mom to die and finally be at peace.
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TootsieT Apr 2023
Thank you so much for your reply. I know you are right about all of it it is hard to accept certain things though. The group I found is an Anticipatory Grief group which is local and I attended a meeting and we have another on Monday. Some days feel so heavy, but what you said is so right about it going on for days, weeks or months more. I cannot continue as I am. That is for certain. I appreciate your reply and feedback. Blessings to you and yours. ~
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