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That depends on what the child is doing. At the very least minimum wage per hour, the child is not a slave and this is an emotional burden for him/her, keep that in mind, money sometimes does not justify putting someone in this position, yes responsibility yada yada, but still it is a lot to place on a kid IMO.
Depends. Are you going to be doing it 24/7 for years and endless years? Then NO parent has enough to pay their kids as far as I'm concerned. Even $20 an hour is chump change in return. That's how I see it.
Did the parent charge the kid to raise him or her? I take care of my elderly mother who has dementia, I could not live with myself if I even thought of charging her to take care of her..
Kudos, rthendricks, but in this day and age, to make ends meet, most of us need financial support to do this. I had to give up my job to stay home with my mom and I would not be able to do it if she didn't kick in. I don't consider it pay, rather room and board. To answer original post, I would consider what that person's share of the household expenses are and take it from there.
II don't agree with rfhendricks at all!!!! If could do it all over again ,I would have insisted to my siblings that I get a weekly salary. They haven't done crap! It is a financial burden careing for my Mom had put a strain on my household income and not fair for my husband to carry the burden.
The weekly amount would have increased as her needs increased...
If I were a millionaire, I would not consider taking any money for my Mom's care/room/board. However, realistically, what parents "spend" on raising children to 18 is completely different than caring for a parent, perhaps leaving your job, having to buy a larger home, adapting your house to accommodate their needs, to say nothing of the emotional strain on a marriage or relationship or just "life". As long as a child/children make sure their parents are safe, fed, medically cared for, and have shelter and are socially not neglected in any way, then who is anyone to judge a decision to "place" them? Please be kind when dealing with family and/or friends who are in that situation...to each his own.
I hope you are asking about an adult son or daughter. I do not think a child should have any paid care giving duties. Although my niece was very helpful with her grandparents. She, of her own will provided occasional recreation, played dominos, showed off her cheer leading. I would not want to make that a responsibility by paying for it. Her visits were a Godsend.
The value of caregiving is priceless. I do not like to turn it into something transactional with an hourly wage. I do believe members of a household with income should all contribute to the household. Is mom living with you or are you living with mom? Who is providing the room and board and electricity? To put a value I would say an agency charges$17 to $22, a private person charges $10 to $15. Given you are not backed by the resources of an agency, the $10 to $15 rate applies. I do not think you can really charge a parent for companionship time.
What is Acceptable?. I bet the Medicare look back auditors have a rate range they find reasonable.
I could never have charged my parents. In fairness I am financially secure, so I refrain from judgement. all families are different. Also, my financial security is largely due to my parents working very hard to send me to private school and college. They achieved the American dream of having your children be better off that yourself, that dream should have a payback.
I would suggest if you are going to come up with a rate it needs to be something that fits into the budget and go with a flat rate, rather than counting hours.
There are alot of opinions here. My thoughts are that if the person is expected to give up their job to provide the care; then a formal legal agreement should be drawn up. IMO, compensation is important because in the end, there are lost wages, lack of retirement investment (401K or matching 401K for that matter); lack of health insurance, etc. -- all important considerations. Thus, there are two ways a parent or loved one can handle: 1. Wage plus benefits -- $20/hr for caregiving is an average depending on where you live (and even that is barely livable wage). Could be slightly less if you are provided room and board. Plus, at least part of your healthcare insurance should be paid for. Will you need a car? Who provides the car, insurance, gas, etc.? 2. Compensation within the will/estate. This may be good or bad. You could be adequately provided for in the will with part or all of the estate willed to you that would compensate -- however, be very cautious as to what may or may not be left? Will it be enough? If this person lives several years or needs to move to nursing care, etc. and that estate/assets may have to be used to pay for the care -- this can go very quickly (upwards of $16K/mo) -- so you may need to consider this. You could also have some of those assets transferred to you ahead of time if the loved one is willing.
Whatever you decide; PLEASE make sure it is put legally in writing by an attorney. This would include any "caregiving/employment agreement (include all your care responsibilites, expectations, vacation, respite care, sick leave plan, etc.)" or the legal will and addendum. I would additionally review/discuss with siblings or others who may have an interest in the will/estate so they are aware and there are not heart feelings in the end.
You will see from many posts, the burden of long term caregiving. Many started with good intentions and then reality hits when the loved one passes on and they can't take afford the house any longer, or they are older and find it very difficult to reenter the workforce and make up the lost income and benefits when they are nearing retirement themselves. BE EDUCATED and frankly, meet with a financial advisor if you can ahead of time and have them walk you through the scenario of what you are undertaking and the impact on your financial future (and that of your family).
It is the law to provide everything that your child needs to prosper and grow till he is grown up, the child did not ask to be born, and it is ludicrous to make such an analogy rfhendricks!
A nursing home on average is a $110,000 a year cost for 24/7 care with staff! So I figure a one person caregiver is worth twice that amount for the same level of care.
@ rthendricks - Children don't ask to be born therefore NO, the parent did not charge the child to raise them. That was the parent's pleasure (in making a baby) and when you bring a child into this world YOU as the parent owe the child food, shelter, clothing, love, as well as teaching them the right path to walk as they will eventually leave your nest. Hopefully, you've treated this child well and they are willing to take care of you as you age however, this assumption that a person is OBLIGATED to care for an ailing parent baffles me. Many ppl are not fit enough to have children yet they do every day. Some even have children with the expectation that the child will grow up to take care of them when they get older which means, your life is only your own once you leave your parents care until the day when your aging parent expects you to take care of them? What a sad prospect to say the least.
I take care of my dad who has dementia and a few physical issues. I am 24/7. In the beginning of this journey he knew i would be giving up my personal life in order to do this. with his blessing i am POA and we co-mingle our money and I use his and mine as if it is mine. He sold his home and bought us a mobile home(a very nice new one) and a car and I pay all the bills out of OUR funds. If you are married you dont split the money. This is a marriage ...without the fun stuff lol. I have dedicated my love and time to care for the man who gave me life and put bread on my table for a long time. So I feel no guilt and when he is gone I will have both house and car and all the responsibilities on just my money alone.
My divorced mother spent years taking care of her parents in our home when I was a child. NONE OF HER 8 BROTHERS AND SISTERS GAVE HER ANY FINANCIAL SUPPORT AT ALL. As I look back now, I realize how much stress she was under trying to work a full-time job, take care of 2 children and aging parents. I believe adults taking care of aging parents in their homes should be paid.
How old is this child? Are you talking about an adult child? My answer is nothing to paying for gas. One's children need to take responsibility for their elderly parents and do it for the sake of repaying all the years they cared for you. Expecting payment is a little callus, but younger generations think they have to be paid for being kind.
I would not take payment for caring of my elderly parent, but then I can't afford to take care of them. I have bills to pay and health insurance costs. I work to meet those expenses. I am not rich so I cannot do both. Yes I will help them, but not at the point of jeopardizing my own financial present or future. I have three adult children of my own and I know they would never charge me for my care, but then I will never allow them to take me on as their responsibility. Having children is a gift with no expectations of a return favor.
as i was on disability and caring for a special needs child of my own ....it made sense to make us a 3 generation house. it puts a near dead stop to me having a relationship with a man...but hey the occasional booty call will do until i have this place to myself and i realize my dad is happier being with what little family he has. he took care of mom for over 30 yrs with her health issues. he never cheated on her. least i can do is make sure hes clean dry and fed. isnt that what all of us really need in this world?
Well, back to the question -- if your mother is living with you, it seems fair to charge her for her portion of the rent and utilities. She should be responsible to pay for anything that she needs especially for her care. If you are staying home to take care of her, I think that $1000 is very fair and $2000 even better, depending on what she can afford to pay. If you are concerned that she will run out of money, you can put what she pays you in a separate savings account that you can tap back into if she needs to. The benefit of doing this is that paying yourself protects the assets if she needs to spend down for Medicaid in the future. Be sure that you draw up a services contract, with the charges being legal and reasonable.
Sometimes I read the things people write about who owes what to who when. It is just crazy talk to compare obligations owed to children and parents. Obligation passes down the line. Our parents raised us and we raise our children. Anything done in the other direction is for love and compassion, and not obligation. Anyone who has been an elder caregiver knows it is nothing like raising a child, unless the child has a severe disability. Everything can go smoothly with elder care, but if the elder goes the self-obsessed route, he/she can drain the adult child financially and emotionally. Caregivers have the right to protect their own lives and try to prevent living in poverty. It would be nice if the elder retained the ability to care what happens to the child, but often this is lost if it was there to begin with. I don't charge my mother to care for her, but it has been very costly for me. I would recommend that other caregivers take care of themselves while caring for others if it is at all possible. Caregivers are important people, too, and worthy of care from self and others.
If you are faced with the decision of whether to care for a parent with dementia or a disabled husband, I guess you'd just throw your husband under the bus. I can't make that choice and because I am the sole breadwinner in my household, and my Mom has means, I've chosen to negotiate a workable stipend for living in with her. (Husband is alone at home.) I don't have a lick of guilt about this arrangement. Glad you're able to make your decisions without guilt as well.
I have been put in this situation for 7 plus years now. Until 2 1/2 years ago I was also employed, but worked for a very understanding company that allowed the non-stop "emergency" phone calls from my mother which were merely as simple as "what time will you be coming over" calls. When I was laid off, I decided to take the time off and continue caring for her and my stepfather. Fast forward to now, and the financial burden, not to mention family burden for my own family has been nothing short of devastating. I have gone round and round with my mother who is more than financially stable about paying me a monthly fee of $1400.00 per month which is less than half of what I was making while employed. Not to mention as others before me the lack of 401k participation, insurance, etc that I am continually losing. Simply put, if I went back to work, my mother would not be able to care for herself with all the demands she puts on me. I fight her endlessly for the this money every month, she wants to put me on a time-card as are her other caregivers who primarily care for my stepfather with advanced Alzheimer's. I can not even begin to track the non-stop phone calls, grocery store runs, doctor visits. I believe that the idea of having an attorney draw up a contract with a firm amount per month is the only fair way to go.
This is a caregiver support group. We are here because we know how hard it is for each other, not to try to guilt people into doing what we feel is personally right. I don't know what is right for everybody. However, I know that caregivers often do not get the respect and help they need. It is sad to see that they can't even get it on a caregiver support group. I think it is far better to listen to individual circumstances than it is to make sweeping statements like the one above.
roseinwinter....i have 2 living brothers that are glad for me to care for pop.THEY can't do what I as an LPN can. I'm 15 and 13 years younger than they are. I have combined our incomes and use what I wish on what I wish(AF pension and his Soc Sec ...with dads blessing and understanding that as long as his needs are met and the bills are paid, c'est la vie . I say this as hes napping in the recliner with Gunsmoke on. JesseBelle....you get it. Its a support site not a judgement table.
roseinwinter - Every situation is different. It's not fair for you to make such proclamations and try to guilt-trip others who do not share your personal reality. If I did not receive a little help from my Mom - who can easily afford it - I would have to put her in a facility because I am the sole breadwinner in my family. Do you not understand that??? My Mom does NOT want to go to a facility! I'm thrilled that you have not experienced the trauma of a disabled husband to care for and that you are able to gleefully spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week with your loved one with no concern for finances! Hoorah! That's not my reality and so it offends me deeply for you to shake your virtual finger in my face about what I consider to be a win-win in MY life.
We all love our care recipients here. We are all doing the very best we can - or we would not be posting here. You don't love your parents more than I love mine and I do feel that there is an acceptable amount that anyone can ask for. If a parent can't afford to help then medicaid placement might be the best option but for those of us who are not headed down THAT path, let us share our burdens and comfort one another.
@hendricks... Long ago, I had a very, very promising budding career in sales. I not only had the highest sales in the store, I had the highest sales in the whole damn region. My bosses bosses were taking notice. I had the potential to make a big, fat 6 figure income.
My mom's demand, yes, DEMAND, that I move in here and take care of her started and I resisted for almost, but not quite, a year and a half. I was free of her, I had a life, a home, a great career taking off at the time. The guilt trips got me in here. More fool me. My mom was a mean, abusive old b*tch from my earliest memories. The last damn thing I wanted was to be trapped here, taking care of her. She acted like I OWED it to her.
I worked the first 5 years I was here as she didn't need 24/7 care at the time. She sucked me for the vast majority of every single paycheck I brought home. At tax time, she demanded the vast majority of that, too, and there was hell to pay if I resisted. I was responsible for paying the majority of the bills here, the housework, the yardwork, the shopping, the meals, you name it. She had a freaking free SLAVE, who paid HER for the privilege of slavery, and nothing was ever enough for her. The woman couldn't be satisfied. Those years were the worst of my whole life.
My mom has property, that if combined and sold would easily bring a half million or more. You think I'm walking away from all these years of servitude without a big, fat chunk of it? Think again. Oh, she put everything in my son's name, it all belongs to him. But I've let him know, just like I let her know, that if either one of them ever thought I'd leave that alone, they were both dreaming. I'll have mine in the end, bet on it. I didn't give up the money I could have made all these years for MYSELF just to be...nice. I gave it up at HER demand. Does she 'owe' me? Bet your sweet arse.
So what if the care giver is the adult child? You're damn right I put a price tag on my time, my efforts, my sacrifices, my LIFE, so many things I gave up...that was NOT free.
I did what I did for my mom in the end because of who I am, because I'm good like that. But walk away, after all I've given up for her, destitute? When hell freezes.
I gave my mom these past 5 years when her alz was so bad it something she never gave anybody...dignity and respect. And I didn't have to. I could have treated her like crap, abused her, like she always did me...but I didn't. She had the best damn care she ever could have dreamed of with me. I treated her better than she ever deserved.
Everyone's situation is different. Not everyone had loving, warm parents. I had a monster for a mother. Yes, I actually do love her...in the end, because she isn't who she WAS, I was able to dig deep and show her affection, love, caring, all the things that are important in life, that I never, ever saw a single sign of.
She sucked me dry like a leech, financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, in every way you can name. . And I'll take her for what she's got now as MY due, yes indeed. If that makes me 'bad', I'm as bad as it gets. As far as I'm concerned, NOTHING in life is free, including the time and lives of adult children forced into a position to care for elderly parents, and those that jump into it willingly...
Oh, just so ya know, my mom's measly half mil property is NOTHING compared to what I could have made for myself, and my two son's, had I not lost my career due to having to take care of HER. Bye, bye paycheck, bye bye future. Somebody damn sure owes me something. And as far as I'm concerned, these parents ALL owe YOU. And for me, that's in stone.
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The weekly amount would have increased as her needs increased...
The value of caregiving is priceless. I do not like to turn it into something transactional with an hourly wage. I do believe members of a household with income should all contribute to the household. Is mom living with you or are you living with mom? Who is providing the room and board and electricity? To put a value I would say an agency charges$17 to $22, a private person charges $10 to $15. Given you are not backed by the resources of an agency, the $10 to $15 rate applies. I do not think you can really charge a parent for companionship time.
What is Acceptable?. I bet the Medicare look back auditors have a rate range they find reasonable.
I could never have charged my parents. In fairness I am financially secure, so I refrain from judgement. all families are different. Also, my financial security is largely due to my parents working very hard to send me to private school and college. They achieved the American dream of having your children be better off that yourself, that dream should have a payback.
I would suggest if you are going to come up with a rate it needs to be something that fits into the budget and go with a flat rate, rather than counting hours.
Best of luck to you
L
1. Wage plus benefits -- $20/hr for caregiving is an average depending on where you live (and even that is barely livable wage). Could be slightly less if you are provided room and board. Plus, at least part of your healthcare insurance should be paid for. Will you need a car? Who provides the car, insurance, gas, etc.?
2. Compensation within the will/estate. This may be good or bad. You could be adequately provided for in the will with part or all of the estate willed to you that would compensate -- however, be very cautious as to what may or may not be left? Will it be enough? If this person lives several years or needs to move to nursing care, etc. and that estate/assets may have to be used to pay for the care -- this can go very quickly (upwards of $16K/mo) -- so you may need to consider this. You could also have some of those assets transferred to you ahead of time if the loved one is willing.
Whatever you decide; PLEASE make sure it is put legally in writing by an attorney. This would include any "caregiving/employment agreement (include all your care responsibilites, expectations, vacation, respite care, sick leave plan, etc.)" or the legal will and addendum. I would additionally review/discuss with siblings or others who may have an interest in the will/estate so they are aware and there are not heart feelings in the end.
You will see from many posts, the burden of long term caregiving. Many started with good intentions and then reality hits when the loved one passes on and they can't take afford the house any longer, or they are older and find it very difficult to reenter the workforce and make up the lost income and benefits when they are nearing retirement themselves. BE EDUCATED and frankly, meet with a financial advisor if you can ahead of time and have them walk you through the scenario of what you are undertaking and the impact on your financial future (and that of your family).
Beautiful arrangement. Each member brings what they can, that is what I call family living.
God Bless you both.
L
Sometimes I read the things people write about who owes what to who when. It is just crazy talk to compare obligations owed to children and parents. Obligation passes down the line. Our parents raised us and we raise our children. Anything done in the other direction is for love and compassion, and not obligation. Anyone who has been an elder caregiver knows it is nothing like raising a child, unless the child has a severe disability. Everything can go smoothly with elder care, but if the elder goes the self-obsessed route, he/she can drain the adult child financially and emotionally. Caregivers have the right to protect their own lives and try to prevent living in poverty. It would be nice if the elder retained the ability to care what happens to the child, but often this is lost if it was there to begin with. I don't charge my mother to care for her, but it has been very costly for me. I would recommend that other caregivers take care of themselves while caring for others if it is at all possible. Caregivers are important people, too, and worthy of care from self and others.
If you are faced with the decision of whether to care for a parent with dementia or a disabled husband, I guess you'd just throw your husband under the bus. I can't make that choice and because I am the sole breadwinner in my household, and my Mom has means, I've chosen to negotiate a workable stipend for living in with her. (Husband is alone at home.) I don't have a lick of guilt about this arrangement. Glad you're able to make your decisions without guilt as well.
We all love our care recipients here. We are all doing the very best we can - or we would not be posting here. You don't love your parents more than I love mine and I do feel that there is an acceptable amount that anyone can ask for. If a parent can't afford to help then medicaid placement might be the best option but for those of us who are not headed down THAT path, let us share our burdens and comfort one another.
My mom's demand, yes, DEMAND, that I move in here and take care of her started and I resisted for almost, but not quite, a year and a half. I was free of her, I had a life, a home, a great career taking off at the time. The guilt trips got me in here. More fool me. My mom was a mean, abusive old b*tch from my earliest memories. The last damn thing I wanted was to be trapped here, taking care of her. She acted like I OWED it to her.
I worked the first 5 years I was here as she didn't need 24/7 care at the time. She sucked me for the vast majority of every single paycheck I brought home. At tax time, she demanded the vast majority of that, too, and there was hell to pay if I resisted. I was responsible for paying the majority of the bills here, the housework, the yardwork, the shopping, the meals, you name it. She had a freaking free SLAVE, who paid HER for the privilege of slavery, and nothing was ever enough for her. The woman couldn't be satisfied. Those years were the worst of my whole life.
My mom has property, that if combined and sold would easily bring a half million or more. You think I'm walking away from all these years of servitude without a big, fat chunk of it? Think again. Oh, she put everything in my son's name, it all belongs to him. But I've let him know, just like I let her know, that if either one of them ever thought I'd leave that alone, they were both dreaming. I'll have mine in the end, bet on it. I didn't give up the money I could have made all these years for MYSELF just to be...nice. I gave it up at HER demand. Does she 'owe' me? Bet your sweet arse.
So what if the care giver is the adult child? You're damn right I put a price tag on my time, my efforts, my sacrifices, my LIFE, so many things I gave up...that was NOT free.
I did what I did for my mom in the end because of who I am, because I'm good like that. But walk away, after all I've given up for her, destitute? When hell freezes.
Everyone's situation is different. Not everyone had loving, warm parents. I had a monster for a mother. Yes, I actually do love her...in the end, because she isn't who she WAS, I was able to dig deep and show her affection, love, caring, all the things that are important in life, that I never, ever saw a single sign of.
She sucked me dry like a leech, financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, in every way you can name. . And I'll take her for what she's got now as MY due, yes indeed. If that makes me 'bad', I'm as bad as it gets. As far as I'm concerned, NOTHING in life is free, including the time and lives of adult children forced into a position to care for elderly parents, and those that jump into it willingly...
Cheers!