What is the reasonable amount for a child to receive as payment for caring for their elderly parent?

My father passed Jan. 13,31 I moved home8 years ago to care for him and mom. Mostly that he couldnt care for mom alone anymore. Now I care for mom alone. I too had to give up my job, my home, and social life. When I talked to a lawyer about sytuation she said that I need to go to a CPA to show finances and have him help me set a reasonable amount to be paid. Or as she put it call around and find out what it cost to go into nursing home and pay my self a reasonable amount such as some homes cost 4 to 6 thousand a month. So if budget alows pay myself $3000 a month, no judge would contest that. Only catch the CPA will tell you, have to pay Social Security, etc out of that pay taxes just as if you have an employer. Since the taxes on her property are $8000 a year and she gets $350 a month Social Security I am more worried about keeping her in her house and I am keeping her safe. I have thought that my brothers and especially there wives would be clamering for the money when she passes. Since we have joint accounts lets just say they cant touch it. gave me some peace. I do reimburse my self for expenses and my insurance and a few expences I have. When I sell my home I will put it in separate bank account. so there will be no confusion when the time comes for the will, or some contesting relative. There is less than what I would be paid for a job, but as my mom gets more bed bound I may need to hire help since my back is really suffering for her loosing more and more of her abilities.
My suggestion is once you get past the exhaustion and emotional bank, put your thinking hats on do your research. The internet is full of information, suggestion go to city clerks of your local town, google things about trusts and wills refocuss your attention and energies into securing yourself and your finances, and caretaking of your parent will become surprizingly less stressfull.
Peace.

As my mum's live-in-caregiver, I take a little less than half of what my mum would be paying in a Care Home. My mum is still in her house and she has to pay the utilities, upkeep, property taxes, House Insurance, Food. Those are all expenses that she would not have to be paying if she were in a Long Term Care Home paying $5,000 per month.

I did some online research, and for a live-in, full-time caregive, I should be getting about $4,200 per month. I'm doing this for nothing since it's my mom. But, I wised up and, since I have power of attorney and now handle the financial affairs, I transger the cost of gas (for transportation), etc to my personal account. It's not much, but it helps pay for my costs in caring for my mom.. I don't think mom wou8ld object to repaying me for my expenses in caring and transporting her. I should be earning much more, but she's my mom.

Please excuse the typos as I'm very very tired. My sister and I have decided to put my mom in assisted, dementia living. This is kind of a last resort for us, but my health is in danger and I need relief. Assisted living will give her the assistance she needs that I can no longer perform for her. I've done all I can. And, getting a little financial repayment is just paying my expenses for caring for her which I do for nothing otherwise. :)

Ninamplatter- I'm not sure what country you live in but here in Canada my mum can use my salary as a tax deduction, so she is paying less in Income Tax because I am considered a medical expense. Please look into that for yourself too!

Nima. my CPA never told me to pay SS, nor did moms laywers, but I did pay taxes

Glad to hear these comments, I've been feeling guilty for taking an income since I started taking care of my mother full time 5 years ago, (only started paying myself 3 years ago when things really got tough and never really a set amount, only enough to get by). I never thought about the increase in pay as her needs increase but it sure makes sense. I gave up a career as an Xray/MRI Technologist, (that I had recently gotten into and now have no hope of ever returning to after spending nearly $30,000 in tuition), when I started my full time caregiving. I guess I just wasn't prepared for how long this could go on and how much I'd be giving up by becoming so isolated and not being able to do anything I enjoy anymore.
I was attending a support group but quit when a woman started coming that had recently taken her mother in because her sister (who had been caring for her mother for years) was "stealing" from her mother. The whole hour always ended up being about her and how horrible her sister was for "stealing", but since we never got to hear her sister's side I always thought the woman was trying to make herself look like a saint for saving her mother. Anyway I stopped going to that support group because she made me feel like I was a horrible person like her sister by paying myself.
I do have three sister's two of which live nearby and one of which is retired (the one still working is more helpful than the retired one), but I have to ask for help if I really need to do something that doesn't involve taking my mother with me, help is never offered. The working sister will come stay for the weekend occasionally and help me out but I still don't really get "away" from my mother (still get up with her at night). However technically I am an only child as these sister's are her stepchildren (one which has not seen or talked to her in at least a couple of years), but her estate (real estate, no cash or investments) is supposed to be equally divided between all my dad's children.
So anyway, thank you for listening to my rant and thank you for making me feel a little better about taking enough money to make ends meet.

Almost,
Yes, support groups can often end up concentrating on one person. The last one I was at where I was appalled by the conversation was a woman and daughter caring for husband and dad. Daughter had just had a baby and wanted to talk the entire time about how hurt she was because her dad will forget about the baby and baby's name. Then mother wanted to chime in about her and husband's diabetes. It was terrible, maybe they will stop coming to this group, haven't seen them since November.

Try to find another support group, in my city there are probably 30 or 40 of them. And, first and foremost, you should be paid for the care! I went back to school after a layoff 5 years ago to get a Master's degree for all the good it has done me! Finished it two years ago now, and occasionally I send in application packages, but not often anymore. I am not paid by my mom, and should be, but sister that controls the money wants to charge me room and board! I already buy all the food, to say nothing of planning meals, preparing them, then cleaning up after everything! Mom has plenty of assets, but sister is more concerned about what is left for her when mom passes. There are many, many similar stories on this site.

5 years ago I returned home and bought a house from my daughter who was getting married and moving into her husbands home. I had made a promise that I would return home and take care of my mother who was widowed for the second time. After her second husband died she moved back into our childhood home that she still owned to live with my sister who was living there rent free. She talked mom into signing the house over to her in exchange for her care in her later years. During my absence mom had called me to complain about how cruel my sister was to her and when I asked my sister she told me the same story and seemed proud of herself. It was a story of cruelty but she never hit mom so she didn't look at it that way. The very day I returned home mom came to stay with me and has been here every since. All mom owns is the cloths and personal items and collectibles that she brought with her. Both mom and I are on Social Security from retirement so we pool our income for the household expenses. Because of her health issues she is also on Medicaid and has a visiting nurse. They set it up so I get paid by the state for her care. I give 24/7 care for mom and the state pays me for 28 hours a week. We make due with that as none of my 7 living siblings (the 8th is deceased) will lift a finger to help - not even the one who mom was living with before I came home. Nor will any of them help with mom's care and needs expenses. They all keep telling me to take what I need from mom's savings because she is much richer than they are. Problem is that my sister had drained mom's savings down to less than $100 by the time she moved in with me. I mention these things to let you know that sometimes we are not people with money or expensive homes who are caring for a parent in need. I could care less if they don't help with mom's care. I am the one who is reaping the blessings of having a loving relationship with my mother at the end years of her life. Yes the dirty diapers and peed-in bed are problems as is her no longer wanting to eat enough to maintain her weight. Home nursing provides a bath nurse so I don't have that job at least. I don't care about the extra laundry ans supplies or the smelly house that I constantly fight with air fresheners and odor eliminators. What I care about is that mom is getting the best care she can get and if I am that then I will gladly do it for her. She brought me into this world and I owe her my life for that so I will show my thanks by taking care of her in her later years as the Bible says to do and do so cheerfully as possible. There is nothing for my siblings to get after she is gone except her cloths and some pictures that they won't want anyway. My only concern is that after she is gone I will loose her SS to help with the household expenses and I will loose the money the state is paying me to take care of her. I will be forced to return to the work force if she does not live long enough for us to get all the bills except utilities paid off. We are jointly working toward that end. Some of you who are complaining about having a parent pay you for their care are trying hard to do the right thing and you are most likely young enough to return to the work force in the end but I am not that young. By the time mom is gone I may need in home care myself. When all is said and done I don't have anyone to take care of me in my home unless I hire strangers from the state to come in once or twice a week. Be thankful you have the time to show your parent how much you love him or her and don't worry about the finances of it all. They didn't stress about others not helping them raise you so why stress over returning the favor now when it is needed for them. You, who are doing the care giving alone, are the most blessed of all of your siblings and you will be rewarded for it sooner or later.

There has been much talk about paying one self for the care given to parents. I consulted an elder care atty. who told me that as POA I can open a bank acct In my name (so the accrued money won't affect mom's spend-down for Medicaid) This money will be used to pay for all of mom's expenses when she is in a nursing home and will only get $75/mo from the state of MD .Expenses such as getting her hair done at the hair salon and manicures---mom just turned 90 but still likes to have her hair and nails done. I think that if it makes her happy, she should be able to continue. Also there will be large out of pocket medical costs, clothing, dental and eye exams not covered by Medicaid, etc.
I don't anticipate getting any financial help from my 2 sibs that "cry poor".
What I have been doing is keeping a monthly log of all that I do, transportation costs, time spent taking mom to appointments, time spent taking her to visit people, etc---all of the things that a paid companion would do. I originally felt guilty "charging" mom for all of the things that I would do for her as her daughter but I needed a way to have funds for mom's needs when she runs out of her funds, which will be in about 6 months.
What I did to calculate how much to pay myself was to research the average pay per hour that a companion would charge. In my area, the range is $18 to $18 plus mileage charges. I "charge" mom $21/hr. after about 18 months, I have a bank account of around $10,000.....which won't go very far in the county that I live in. Plus, mom may very well live another 8-10 years based on family history. I keep a log of all charges and the deposit slips from the bank.I may have goofed by not paying taxes b/c it didn't occur to me, so I need to rectify that.
Is anyone out there doing anything like I am doing and how did you come up with a reasonable charge per hour?

Hurrah! Somebody's answered the question - thank you ngs!

I am 24/7, except 30 hours through the week at day care which leaves 138 hours. What sibs have proposed amounts to $2.00 an hour. Absurd, because mom has significant assets, but sibs are concerned about what is left for them. NGS, what you are doing is very reasonable.

And even daycare gets about $10.00 an hour, and there is a team of them to perform the care. Reasonable, would be similar for a 24/7 caregiver, by any stretch of the imagination.

I have a horrible feeling this issue is going to surface before long from the murky depths of my relationship with my siblings. Not looking forward to it. It's like the elephant in the room that keeps farting. How do you start costing your time when the cost of your time was never the point? What's the comparison? Since there is no paid employment where it would even be legal for the employee to be "on duty" 24/7/365, what's the equivalent market rate? What about back pay? What about pension contributions? What about holiday? What about training and CPD? What about loss-of-earnings compensation? What about danger money? - not in my case, but for plenty of others on the forum.

That's the rub: if it were about money, we just wouldn't be here. So OBVIOUSLY it isn't - but if we weren't here, boy would it cost!

Ugh. Migraine already and I haven't even thought of a number.

I've been getting updates on this topic since I first responded. My grandfather lives with us and contributes to expenses and the mortgage payment. When I am at work, we hire a caregiver. I'm a teacher, so I don't work all day. I'm still struggling with the idea that perhaps I should be compensated for the at home care that I do. However, my grandfather helped us to qualify for our loan, so he helped us increase our net worth substantially. I keep that in mind whenever I feel that I should get paid. This house is great and will provide us with security in the future. I really have been interested to read how others approach compensation. I'm also disheartened but relieved to read that many of you face the same family dramas I face. The running theme seems to be that the caregiver ends up raising the suspicion of the other heirs. This is definitely true for me, too. It's bad enough that some relatives don't help. But then they are openly hostile and accusatory. For me this is my uncle, my grandfather's son, who never even visits or calls but has gotten it into his head that I'm after my grandfather's money. And actually, the uncle will get most of it, if there's any left. Luckily my husband is great and my brother is very supportive.

JCV-
You say you don't work all day because you are a teacher? My mom was a teacher, her days began at 5:00 am and got home from work between 4 and 5. She had to be at work by 6:30. I think that is working all day to say nothing of reading reports and papers, grading tests... Teaching is most definitely a full time job! And you have another one on top of it, caring for grandpa. DO NOT SELL YOURSELF SHORT and this sounds like you feel guilty about wanting payment. If he does help with household expenses, then that should be considered. But home care is extremely expensive. You say you have caregivers while you are at work. Consider what that cost is, then multiply that hourly amount by the number of hours that you have responsibility for him. It will be astronomical especially if you were to receive retroactive payment. If he helped with down payment on your house, you also should subtract that.

Countrymouse,this is such and Old post, lol. I can give you the answer straight from my accountant. $15 an hour for 8 hours a day and 10 hours on weekends.
If you work, you still get the same hours regardless! This takes into consideration oil/gas heat, electric,etc too,depending on your contract. You can charge more per hour, thats the average low so I chose that. Remember, you have to pay taxes on it which amounts to approx 30% taken right off the top of it so save it in a separate account. You should have a caregivers agreement before you take any compensation signed by your mother or if incompetent, the DPOA. She needs to be ill as far as she cannot walk, dress, toilet herself, or be alone. Remember the most important thing of all, you are not taking your moms money, you are taking your siblings inheritance, and well deserved. If they dont help, they will get their equal portion of whats left, as will you. In my case, we went through all the money and there is zero left. Also, use moms money for her meds, food, clothing and anything for her use only. Good luck
PS you cannot take anything retroactive, only after the caregivers agreement is signed, legally, I was told. The hours other than the 8 hours you get paid for is considered daughterly duties (free) Remember, you have to keep track of everything and be her total case manager of her pills, etc, keep a daily diary to cover yourself should their be legal issues with the siblings down the road. Keep every single receipt, do a spread sheet or something on your computer.

That is an extremely useful reply, RR, thank you.

The sticky bit of the road we're approaching, though, is my POA sister's dilemma over resenting bitterly that my mother, effectively, pays for my keep while not wishing to address the question of how much it would cost my mother to live anywhere else with anyone else looking after her. I'm pretty sure I'm the cost-effective option, as it happens. "Daughterly duties" - love it! - and all.

What makes sister's head explode is that because I actually don't care about the money I'm not taking any, which doesn't make sense to her, which means if she wanted to add up properly she'd have to suggest I do take payment, which means she'd be paying someone money without being asked for it, which is… not… possible… (system melt down). I ought to suggest a solution, really; but I quite enjoy watching.

AND, now I have a guide price. Thanks again!

Unless the caregiver has a support team, there is not enough money in the world that can compensate a 24/7 caregiver. How do you place a dollar value on someone who basically gives up their life to caregiver duties and possible shorten their own longevity due to the stress it causes. If a person chooses the caregiver roll, then they should be comepensated as much as you would pay using an agency. If it is in the caregiver's home then room and board should also be considered. No person should ever be sacrificed for a future inheritence for others. Adult children who care for their family members are priceless.

Priceless! "THAT sort of bear…"

Sadly, I think that translates to "costs less" in my sister's head - still, I suppose it's also a compliment in its way...

Gladimhere, I work very little. I'm not a normal teacher. And I've thought it all through. Sure, I could charge my grandfather for just being here in the house with him. But really helping us get into this house increased our overall net worth by hundreds of thousands of dollars. I don't feel guilty. Honestly the tone of some of these posts bothers me a bit. The attitude that we should get this money and other heirs should not--why are you caregiving if you only want financial compensation? Get a job caregiving & put your pooping elderly relative in a home on Medicaid! Then you get money and they get 24/7 care. If it becomes too big a sacrifice, I just won't do it anymore. The constant victimization refrain gets me down. Get over it. Do it because you want to. I don't charge my kid for 24/7 caregiving and I'm not gonna charge my grandfather. Family arrangements are more informal than that. He might help me with renovations. He has pitched in when necessary. But ghoulishly draining his resources away for providing a room just isn't my style.

JC,
You are very fortunate to have increased your net worth with the help of your grandfather. With most of us, our net worth has decreased due to the responsibility. What some forget is that if parent was competent, they would be paying a child, but other siblings are more concerned about what remains at death. This is one of those discussions that occurs often on this site, and the majority feel that children should be paid, while many of us are not, and continue to work towards keeping our elders happy and comfortable. It is just one of those discussions that will always be the same, some are very opposed to payment, while others, strongly believe they should be paid. I am doing it because I want to, and it is the only way to keep my mother in her home. Will there come a time when I cannot do this any longer, probably yes, but it should not be due to my own financial hardship, rather it will be due to my mother's disease progressing to the point that I am unable to.

JC,I agree with gladimhere and others and it certainly sounds like you dont have to do much of anything for your father but increase the value of your home. Can he be left alone, is he Demented, incontinent, non verbal and non mobile? Of course we dont want their money , we dont want to have to quit our jobs either, but we do. To call our parents poopin relatives and throw them into a medicaid nursing home is just rude. I got paid until the money ran out three years ago, quit my job and am still taking care of my mother. I do it for love, like everyone else, but to save her money for the no good siblings who wont offer to help one day in their lives is insane. For this reason some lawyers do not believe in "trusts" because it saves the money for all, when one does all the care.. Please dont judge when you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. If you havent woken up, lifted your parent up and got their diareahea down your leg and inbetween your toes, you have no clue.

JCvalley, you said your grandfather contributes to the EXPENSES And MORTGAGE And pays for a CAREGIVER when you arent home, and he also INCREASED the value of your home with updates. You are getting paid more than I ever did and my house,and job, have gone to hell. I am stating a fact, I love my mother and wouldnt have it any other way, just saying because of what you said. I paid 30% of taxes on what I got,which ran out as I mentioned. What I got, went right back to her care.We are now only on her ss and va. I work so hard all day and I also spoil my Mom. No way would I ever put her in a nursing home, shes my mother and deserves the best, in fact its 1am here and she is singing (mumbling) and laughing in her bed, she is so happy despite dementia/alz disease and I just know its from the loving home care she gets.

JCV, first you say this:

"I've been getting updates on this topic since I first responded. My grandfather lives with us and contributes to expenses and the mortgage payment. When I am at work, we hire a caregiver. I'm a teacher, so I don't work all day. I'm still struggling with the idea that perhaps I should be compensated for the at home care that I do. However, my grandfather helped us to qualify for our loan, so he helped us increase our net worth substantially. I keep that in mind whenever I feel that I should get paid."

"But really helping us get into this house increased our overall net worth by hundreds of thousands of dollars."

"The attitude that we should get this money and other heirs should not--why are you caregiving if you only want financial compensation? Get a job caregiving & put your pooping elderly relative in a home on Medicaid!"

"He might help me with renovations. He has pitched in when necessary. But ghoulishly draining his resources away for providing a room just isn't my style."

Really now. Who are you kidding? You just got paid. Royally. You just took a lot of money from your grandfather for your own benefit. I think maybe you need to step down off that pedestal that you're on. You just got more out of your situation than most people ever do. You're not going to 'goulishly' drain your grandfather's resourses? lol You just did. And of course YOU'RE just doing what you do out of the goodness of your heart, hmmm? Sure. If that was the case, you'd have declined any help from him. You didn't though, did you? Get off your high horse.

I think if we have given up our lives to become a caregiver to a family member and have no financial backing we should get paid if they can afford it but if a parent has helped with expensive renovation that's okay too if he has his sound and mind then he made the choice to help but we have to be very careful in this area I am not here to judge I leave it up to our own subconscious because if you have one you will know inside yourself when the $$ is all we are thinking about.

Yeah I'm getting off this supposed support board. You all seem to love either to fight or bitch about your lives. Best of luck. You'll need it. What a bunch of pathetic ninnies.

jc...if you came to this site to get people to confirm your decisions, then perhaps you are in the wrong place. What you got is some honest opinions, whether or not you agree with them. Everyone's experiences are different, yet surprisingly similar. There is a lot of wisdom here. Yes, and maybe a bit of "bitching" too. But If bitching helps us to unload, find some strength from others and forge forward, then the site has done it's job. To call us pathetic is so far from the truth. We are some of the strongest, most caring and noble people out there.

"It's not your parents money you're actually earning/taking when you get paid for caregiving, its your siblings inheritence and if they wont help, they dont deserve their share."

From a post in August. Spelling errors left as is.

Sorry, but I disagree. The money belongs to your parent. If you look at your parent as merely an obstacle to you getting your inheritance, that is sick and twisted. Your fiduciary duty is to protect your parent's asset while he or she lives, not to suck the money out because you feel you deserve more.

I did not come here just to get my own views confirmed, but the tone of some of these posts sincerely bothers me.

When I made the point that I do not receive pay, I got a response in all caps demanding that I should.

But then I made the point that I feel fairly compensated because my grandfather helped us qualify for a house and contributed to repairs, I was shouted down for being a leech.

I mean, where is the friendly, supportive tone that should be on a board like this? I clean poop, clean pee, take Grandpa to doctor appointments, and his own son does NOTHING. And yet, by not taking a salary, I am preserving that son's inheritance. And it does not matter if I do not like that situation. That is my fiduciary responsibility.

At no time have I ever intended to suck money out of Grandpa's funds in order to rob other heirs. They will get their fair share, although we do all the work and they do nothing. We do it out of love. And yes, frankly, we feel that we also have been compensated with the house.

Not to go into great detail, I should be clear that he has put very little money into the house. And many times, we have refused more. Numerous times, he has offered to pay off our mortgage, make huge improvements to the house, or gift the money to us. We have refused. Is that the way a leech behaves? I take care of his assets and make sure he has enough income from interest and social security to cover his expenses.

Sure, part of me feels that it's awful that his own son will not even visit or call. It's terrible. I can't believe it most of the time, and even Grandpa has said that perhaps he should change his beneficiary situation. But he never does.

So if I wanted to be a total leech, I could drum up some caregiver contract and pay myself. But I actually kept track of hours at one point, and I just don't see that I'm really doing all that much. I sit around, just to be home, because I don't want to leave him alone. He gets confused and can't seem to make his own meals, so I do that. Yes, someone else doing that gets paid $15 an hour. I still don't feel right taking that money.

But the bottom line is that if you feel it is only fair you need that caregiver contract, go ahead. My only point was that I feel fairly compensated in our situation, so I don't need one.

I just see a lot of self victimization on this thread. I get that it's hard. I'm smelling pee from the next room as I type this. But instead of moaning and complaining, and then deciding to get what's yours with some contract that this helpless elderly person truly has no choice but to sign, there are ways to come up with solutions and make peace with our situations and be right in our consciences.

I watched my mother destroy her own health taking care of her parents. So when she died, and I took over care of her father, I promised myself not to let it take me down like that. I will never by a martyr to this situation. But I also don't have this attitude that I'm a saint and somehow therefore deserve every penny my grandfather has. I don't think the inheritance situation is fair, but that's HIS wish, and I have to respect it. So I make sure I take care of myself, hire out as much as possible, and keep in mind that my job is to take care of Gramps, not seek revenge on his offspring.

JCValley, I think the reason you are getting so much negative feedback is the tone of your posts, and specifically, a tone of disdain or disgust that some people are not able to care for a relative without compensation. It's great that you have a situation that you can handle without having to leave your job, and that you have the financial resources to maintain a decent standard of living while caring for your grandfather.

Unfortunately, due to the economy and the broken healthcare system, many of us do not have the financial stability to support a disabled relative. Additionally, many people are in situations that require them to be home nearly 24/7, which prevents them from working, or allows them only part-time work. And lastly, many of us are caring for relatives that abused or mistreated us, and the "I do it for love, I don't need a reward" does not apply at all.

If you approached the topic with a little less judgement and criticism, I think you would receive a lot less negativity.