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It's the parent money. They earned it. They can do what they want, give it to kids, give it to charity, give it to the cat. None of anyone else's beeswax.
I would agree with this, except... Except in the case of the caregiving adult child, who has likely sacrificed time, money, and earnings potential to take care of the parent. I did, I know. I likely spent $5,000+ in gas and tolls during my caregiving years, traveling to Mom's to take her to doctors, shopping, errands, and take care of things around her house. I spent money on food and meds regularly that was not reimbursed. When you're the one there who sees the need, stuff comes out of your pocket. It just does. I also could not seek out jobs further than an hour from my mother's home or that would make me unavailable when she needed me. It's a big financial hit. Parents should think about that before they think about leaving everything to charity.
When my dad moved here he had nearly $400,000. It has been slowly whittled down to the point if he lives several more years they may be nothing left because he now pays 10,000/ month for LTC. However, the will states it will be divided 95% 4 ways to his daughters and 5% to his only grandchild. Personally I don’t care if it’s all gone as it’s his money he saved and not mine. That is why I take a small amount now for the things I do for him. Heres my take on wills but then I have no children either. Why should children even inherit their parents money. We have left our estate to two different charities which we believe in. Originally I had it divided equally between my sisters, but then I asked myself "why?" I feel better it is going to something that is going to do some good rather than my siblings vacation or new couch or whatever. So this is an option rather than leave money to people whether they are children or relations.
Well, I think I may disagree with everyone else here but I do think it's reasonable to leave a greater part of the estate to the sibling that has done the lion's share of the caregiving. How far you want to go in "encouraging" the parent to change the will is another story.
I would agree with JeanneGibbs about compensating the caregiver during the parent's lifetime and not through the will except that sometimes there are no liquid assets and no extra income to do that with. In my mother's case, her savings covered her funeral and little else. She had enough monthly income to pay the bills, barely. Her only assets when she died were her life insurance (minimal), an old car, and personal effects. Less than $10,000 total. Six surviving children. One who provided the majority of care and who is also tasked with managing the estate, such as it is. That would be me. One of my siblings did not bother to see my mother even once during the whole 7+ years of caregiving. I don't feel any obligation to give her an equal share of what little my mother left behind. The others too, with their drive-by visits once a year, where they ate a meal with us (that we provided) and flew back home. My mother didn't leave enough to really argue over, but if she had, I'd be very unhappy having to share equally with those who did nothing for her all those years.
If you are worried about funds not being available at a later date, pay yourself, place the money into a separate savings account and don't spend it. That way your fears of mom not having funds in the future will be alleviated but you will have also been paid from the estate if they are no longer needed. What your sisters say now while mom is living and what their mind set is later when it's time to settle the estate will definitely be totally different. My children are aware of what our wills state and how they are structured but were never had any input on the structuring of it, they were informed after the fact. Evenly distributed between them, held in trust, and follows the bloodline. Very specific, co-trustees, investment firm and child, 1/3 @40, 1/3 @50, remaining balance @ 60. Can be accessed beforehand but avoids the possibility of a grandchild receiving money while too young to handle the responsibility of managing it and it also provides protection from step siblings attempting to place a claim on the entire estate. Letting them know how it is structured is one thing, where important papers are kept (don't forget to include online accounts and passwords) banking accounts,safety deposit boxes, where keys for the box is etc. is very important information they need. If you keep you will in a safety deposit box at the bank I would suggest that the executor of your estate is added as a signer to it otherwise they will have to get a court order to enter the box to retrieve the will and only the will under a bank employee's supervision. They will not be able to remove any other document including life insurance policies until such time that the courts acknowledge that they are in fact the executor of the estate and all paperwork is filed. Saves them time and money during a stressful time. My mother in law had things hidden throughout her home, in the basement, desk, cedar chest,dresser, found it while moving her to our home and preparing hers for sale. Now it's all together and safely stored at the bank. I guess, in a roundabout way I'm saying that you need to look towards the future as well as the present .
dogparkmom: "the POA will make sure to reimburse himself for all expenses related to them and their estate and I may take an hourly salary for time spent going to MD visits, coordinating care, etc. We will keep careful receipts and documentation of time spent, etc to account back to the estate but in this way, we will be able to be compensated for the really huge amount of time spent before the estate is divided evenly 3 ways."
Excellent plan!
gracealways: " there’s the potential for a very large sum of money and I’m not sure I could get past the resentment of it being equally divided. I have made many sacrifices and my siblings would not dispute that if asked. If I start taking the monthly pay and the will stays the same then I think I should get paid for the last several years. I’m not sure how mom or my siblings would feel about that. The bottom line is, I feel if I’m going to be compensated it should come from them, not her, and only if there’s money left."
I think you should start taking the monthly pay. Is your mother even competent to authorize a change in her will? Why shouldn't your pay come from her? Ultimately, it's the same thing as taking from your siblings?
Here's what could happen. You could try and get the money retroactively after your mother is gone, and if someone doesn't want to give it to you, you will be considered as challenging the will, and will therefore get nothing. This is the way my mother's trust reads.
At one point, the attention my mother required was getting to the point of too much, and I mentioned the idea of my getting to the point of wanting to be paid. One of my brothers suggested I be paid before the trust is divided four ways after my mother dies. I have read the trust and know that anyone not accepting the divided-four-ways-equally clause will get nothing. That's what it says. Another brother said he would pay me, but I didn't think it was right for just one of them to pay me. I'd be charging $20/hour. Either they all pay me, or, better yet, my mother pays me.
But of course that will never happen, because I will be subjected to one of her fits and called awful names. She will start the crying/shaking/shaming/blaming.
Fortunately the busy week/s with her subsided back to the normal amount of Dummy Daughter Driving, so it's not been brought up again.
If it happens again, I will bring it up to my mother. If she doesn't like it, she can arrange to pay outside caregivers (agency) to come in, and she will be paying them much more.
One of the very valuable things I've learned from this forum is to get the pay as you do the work. Do not expect people to agree to give you extra money when the estate is being divided because you did the caregiving.
I honestly believe if a person makes a will when in full competence that must legally stand. If a will is changed when a person is no longer competent, it must not stand and will (or may be) challenged. Things may change, someone may feel they deserve more. But the will's signer has the right to determine where their assets go while they are competent to do so and no other influence can affect that after competence is lost. Or so it is in my state.
Unfortunately, unequal inheritance often is translated by the involved parties into a referendum on was loved best. In my opinion, the best way to go forward is for people to receive compensation for the caregiving at the time it is provided and distribute any remaining estate equally.
No matter how good the reasons for unequal distribution are, it ends up negatively affecting the sibling relationships. If your health is not good and your mother has the money, consider outsourcing some of the jobs you are doing for her.
I also agree in theory at least that wills should divide the estate equally, or as the person whose will it is, decides it should be divided. In actual fact, my husband and I live near his parents and have helped them more and more over the years. Now, we are packing up their house so they will move to AL. He has 2 sisters who live 2000 miles away. They are supportive over the phone and could fly in to help but that is not happening. I am finding myself a little more resentful than I expected. Yes, I know, it is not my inheritance, it is my husband's but as the "family nurse", I go to the doctor with them, help them coordinate medical and other issues. We will be responsible for emptying the house, arranging for painters etc and then selling house. My FIL has vascular dementia and is increasingly more confused every month. My husband is the POA so our solution will be, as FIL is less and less able to take care of himself and MIL, and we have to do more and more for them, the POA will make sure to reimburse himself for all expenses related to them and their estate and I may take an hourly salary for time spent going to MD visits, coordinating care, etc. We will keep careful receipts and documentation of time spent, etc to account back to the estate but in this way, we will be able to be compensated for the really huge amount of time spent before the estate is divided evenly 3 ways. As the other siblings don't live here, an outside care manager would need to be hired to assist and coordinate and also outside help would need to be hired to pack them and coordinate this move. I am a professional care manager who does this for a living and I know what the company I work for charges to handle these issues. I don't want to sound mercenary but to "donate" this effort to the estate which then will be divided equally is irritating. My husband does agree. They do have more than adequate assets to pay for their care so we are not taking money they need to live on. We would never consider that. But taking a salary from the estate for services rendered would be a way for a primary caregiver to be paid fairly for their efforts. Not that a child should not willingly help their parents but if the other siblings will benefit from that one person's work by receiving their "share" of the estate, I don't see a reason not to be paid first. It at least partially solves the problem of evenly divided estate in the situation where the effort to care for parents is not equally divided.
I have been there myself and I saw my mother before me with her aunt.
Mom didn't believe in it and shared the inheritance with all the cousins left alive regardless of the Aunt's will.
When my father passed, I was legally the "owner" of all the bank accounts but I divided equally with my sisters because this is what my parents wanted.
This is a tricky subject - be careful or you will fall into "taking care of parent just to get more money." You've heard, it is more blessed to give than to receive? Well, I didn't want compensation for doing what needed doing. I got paid in other ways - I had the full use of my father's car and he paid for the gas and maintenance since I used it to take him everywhere.
With me, paid compensation would have made it a job - and the way I dealt with it was to just do for him what he needed done. Assistance was given freely and when he passed, I had few regrets.
You are very lucky that your sisters acknowledge what you do for your mom and have supported the idea that you should be compensated monetarily for this. I think it's time for you to start paying or 'gifting' yourself from your mom's assets, since she seems to be financially healthy. Don't feel guilty, and of course don't take advantage, but do compensate yourself. And make arrangements for respite care so you can have a break.
Thank you all for your replies, they have given me much to think about. I actually was surprised that everyone feels the potential inheritance should be divided equally, as a division of assets. I just never felt like my mom should have to pay me to help her after my father passed 10 years ago. He was a very controlling man who handled all the finances. Mom had no idea of the amount of money they had. Before he passed he shared all the financial information with me and took me to meet with several different bankers telling them I would be handling the investments for my mom. He asked me to “take care” of mom because he knew she had no idea how to handle that much money. She was very dependent on him so she was relieved that I was willing and able to help her. It began with managing investments and preparing tax returns. That was about 10 years ago, she’s now in her late eighties and it would take an hour to list all that I do for her now. I am tired, my health is not good. I am the youngest of my siblings and they both are healthy. I go above and beyond to try and give my mom the best quality of life she can possibly have. There was a lot of dysfunction in our home growing up that’s caused myself and my siblings to have complicated relationships. We love each other but don’t necessarily like each other a lot of the time. My mom contributes to that by playing us against each other. My siblings acknowledge how much I do for mom but take advantage of the fact that they know I will no matter what. They do nothing. I won’t go into specifics but several years ago mom kept asking me to take her to the attorney to change her will to exclude one of them. At the time I had not become so resentful and talked her out of it. I still felt that everything should be equal. Since that time moms care has increased exponentially and I have become extremely resentful. Several months ago one of my siblings talked with mom about all that I do for her and suggested she start paying me. I think she did that out of guilt. When mom told me about the conversation I told her I didn’t feel right taking money from her. I handle all her finances and still haven’t paid myself. I know that probably sounds crazy, but I don’t feel she should have to pay me, she’s my mother! If there’s no money left, or it’s a small amount I could be ok with things the way they are. I would still feel resentment but would get over it. But, there’s the potential for a very large sum of money and I’m not sure I could get past the resentment of it being equally divided. I have made many sacrifices and my siblings would not dispute that if asked. If I start taking the monthly pay and the will stays the same then I think I should get paid for the last several years. I’m not sure how mom or my siblings would feel about that. The bottom line is, I feel if I’m going to be compensated it should come from them, not her, and only if there’s money left. I am so confused. My quality of life and health are suffering because of the demands of caring for mom and it just isn’t fair.
You have some thoughtful introspection here. But if you’re going to be resentful about a large sum being equally divided, then why not go ahead and take a payment from your mom as was offered. I get payment from my dad by way of his money paying for my gas for the car and he is fine with it. That amounts to about $90/ month. I too handle his finances but I let a CPA do his taxes and his money pays for that. If you’re doing the taxes, pay yourself what it would cost an accountant to do it. If your health has suffered...you by all means deserve something. For me this way I don’t feel as resentful to my other 3 sisters.
Yes--all these "distributions" are done in the will. The girls got a chance to "choose" what they wanted. I have nothing of great value, and they do not look to our passing as being "payday". So yes, the girls all know exactly what they will receive upon my death, as far as "tokens". Some of my gkids have asked for specific things and I made a list of those, too.
Wills and trusts change. What we planned in '18 may be very different in, say '22. 2 of our kids are Drs and make well over a half million a year. We're very middle income people and saved for retirement with the belief we wouldn't have SS. Looks like we will, so great, we'll have $4K more a month than we planned.
I have very mixed feelings about viewing a will prior to a person's death. My mother TOLD ME to read hers. I think she wanted me to see that $1500 "bill", which, BTW, is worthless, as it's not notarized and just scribbled on a piece of paper. I think she just wanted to hurt me. My sister was "loaned" $70K some years ago with the proviso she pay it back, but she would not stand to inherit anything. Well, she was forgiven the debt (still owed well over $50K) and now will receive her 1/5th. It's HARD and it's HURTFUL to get cut out of, or personally attacked in a will. At least I know what to plan for, if mother ever dies.
My hubby and his mother are no longer speaking. She has cut him out of her will. Yet, he is the executor anyway. This will prove interesting. He doesn't care and I'm sure he really does, and it REALLY hurts. Better off she left EVERYTHING to a charity, than give it all to her daughter and cut out the 2 sons who have "disappointed her" so deeply.
If your mother has a CG, she should be compensated NOW. If she wants to leave her a small token of something, that would be fine and sweet, but not a chunk of her estate. It will be challenged and sadness will ensue. Not worth it.
In my opinion, wills should absolutely NOT be used to compensate a caregiver. And caregiver absolutely SHOULD be compensated. The compensation should happen while the care is being given, on a monthly basis. What is left, if anything, can be divided equally, if that is what the parent wants.
I agree 100% with Jeanne that care provided should be paid for through a care agreement.
Changing a will to compensate one more than another would be difficult for most parents to do. And if they live long enough there may be nothing left to inherit.
I heard long time ago that you should never tell anyone what is in your will. That way they can be mad at you after you r gone.
I see your point. It doesn't seem fair that the child who is there for them doesn't get a little more than those who have chosen not to be involved. But I guess thats life. If you are Executor, your entitled to 6% of the net amount before dividing up the inheritance. All debts are paid first.
I wouldn't encourage. I like what Midkid said about maybe leaving something, like a ring, just to you. But, I would want that in writing. Then the others can't say you stole it. You could encourage a codicle to be added to the will. This is a list of names and how the person wants their personal belongings distributed.
Would there be a way for your mother to reimburse you for caregiving now? A lot can happen between the time an elder is receiving care and when the person eventually dies and the will is read, debts paid, Medicaid, etc.
I personally think that wills should be distributed equally. There are ALWAYS sibs who do more for the parent and ones who are literal no-shows. I personally think that wills are simply a division of assets, w/o sentimentality, if possible.
Now the dispersal of items may be looked at in a different way. I've left all 4 of my daughters my rings, and one is getting my solitaire (worth about $4K) while one is getting my star sapphire (worth about $200). I have spoken as group to all the girls and they are all OK with whatever I have chosen.
I don't think kids should be involved in the estate planning at all, if it can be avoided. It's NONE of our business.
My eldest brother robbed my parents blind while he was alive, believing he was simply receiving his "inheritance" early. $200,000?? Mom's will leaves each of us remaining sibs $10,000 each. Maybe. And I have note in the will that states I OWE the estate $1500 for something, I have no idea what. Yes, this angers me--but I'm not going to have a fit over it. It just hurts, b/c I feel like mom & dad are angry with me for something--but I will never know what or why.
While my YB has "cared" for mother for the last 22 years in his home, he has been amply supported by each of the other sibs over the years to the tune of about $5000 a year from 4 of us. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but it's a given we all help out when we can.
When mother's will is read, there are no surprises. Anger at the elder brother who robbed the follks--what's the point? He's been dead for 7 years. Mom lived to regret that terribly.
So, I'm going to say no, it's not reasonable to "reward" some sibs differently than others, unless there has been a loan or a theft from the estate by one of them.
It's not worth the fracturing of the family to do it acc to some kind of reward system.
We did our wills this summer. We DID NOT include the kids in the planning. Our lawyer told us not to bring any of them as it is not their "problem" and won't be for some years.
Some families fracture themselves. Do you really think your brothers didn't fracture your family? You are hurt and don't know why it was done to you. It all surely fractured YOU. But I see your point in not making a fuss.
It's been my experience that there is nothing to be done legally in these situations unless the power-less take assertive steps right at the beginning, before the member(s) of the family likely to do dirty get their chance to set the gameboard up before the rest of the family even know there is a game.
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Heres my take on wills but then I have no children either. Why should children even inherit their parents money. We have left our estate to two different charities which we believe in. Originally I had it divided equally between my sisters, but then I asked myself "why?" I feel better it is going to something that is going to do some good rather than my siblings vacation or new couch or whatever. So this is an option rather than leave money to people whether they are children or relations.
I would agree with JeanneGibbs about compensating the caregiver during the parent's lifetime and not through the will except that sometimes there are no liquid assets and no extra income to do that with. In my mother's case, her savings covered her funeral and little else. She had enough monthly income to pay the bills, barely. Her only assets when she died were her life insurance (minimal), an old car, and personal effects. Less than $10,000 total. Six surviving children. One who provided the majority of care and who is also tasked with managing the estate, such as it is. That would be me. One of my siblings did not bother to see my mother even once during the whole 7+ years of caregiving. I don't feel any obligation to give her an equal share of what little my mother left behind. The others too, with their drive-by visits once a year, where they ate a meal with us (that we provided) and flew back home. My mother didn't leave enough to really argue over, but if she had, I'd be very unhappy having to share equally with those who did nothing for her all those years.
I have 8 brothers & sisters, 2 of which do little to nothing, to care for my father. We all chip in but this one sister done NOTHING to care for him.
It kills me to have to split his their inheritance (if there is anything left) with her but there is nothing I can do about.
Keep my mouth shut, I guess. :)
Excellent plan!
gracealways: " there’s the potential for a very large sum of money and I’m not sure I could get past the resentment of it being equally divided. I have made many sacrifices and my siblings would not dispute that if asked. If I start taking the monthly pay and the will stays the same then I think I should get paid for the last several years. I’m not sure how mom or my siblings would feel about that. The bottom line is, I feel if I’m going to be compensated it should come from them, not her, and only if there’s money left."
I think you should start taking the monthly pay. Is your mother even competent to authorize a change in her will? Why shouldn't your pay come from her? Ultimately, it's the same thing as taking from your siblings?
Here's what could happen. You could try and get the money retroactively after your mother is gone, and if someone doesn't want to give it to you, you will be considered as challenging the will, and will therefore get nothing. This is the way my mother's trust reads.
At one point, the attention my mother required was getting to the point of too much, and I mentioned the idea of my getting to the point of wanting to be paid. One of my brothers suggested I be paid before the trust is divided four ways after my mother dies. I have read the trust and know that anyone not accepting the divided-four-ways-equally clause will get nothing. That's what it says. Another brother said he would pay me, but I didn't think it was right for just one of them to pay me. I'd be charging $20/hour. Either they all pay me, or, better yet, my mother pays me.
But of course that will never happen, because I will be subjected to one of her fits and called awful names. She will start the crying/shaking/shaming/blaming.
Fortunately the busy week/s with her subsided back to the normal amount of Dummy Daughter Driving, so it's not been brought up again.
If it happens again, I will bring it up to my mother. If she doesn't like it, she can arrange to pay outside caregivers (agency) to come in, and she will be paying them much more.
One of the very valuable things I've learned from this forum is to get the pay as you do the work. Do not expect people to agree to give you extra money when the estate is being divided because you did the caregiving.
No matter how good the reasons for unequal distribution are, it ends up negatively affecting the sibling relationships. If your health is not good and your mother has the money, consider outsourcing some of the jobs you are doing for her.
Mom didn't believe in it and shared the inheritance with all the cousins left alive regardless of the Aunt's will.
When my father passed, I was legally the "owner" of all the bank accounts but I divided equally with my sisters because this is what my parents wanted.
This is a tricky subject - be careful or you will fall into "taking care of parent just to get more money." You've heard, it is more blessed to give than to receive? Well, I didn't want compensation for doing what needed doing. I got paid in other ways - I had the full use of my father's car and he paid for the gas and maintenance since I used it to take him everywhere.
With me, paid compensation would have made it a job - and the way I dealt with it was to just do for him what he needed done. Assistance was given freely and when he passed, I had few regrets.
He asked me to “take care” of mom because he knew she had no idea how to handle that much money. She was very dependent on him so she was relieved that I was willing and able to help her. It began with managing investments and preparing tax returns. That was about 10 years ago, she’s now in her late eighties and it would take an hour to list all that I do for her now. I am tired, my health is not good. I am the youngest of my siblings and they both are healthy. I go above and beyond to try and give my mom the best quality of life she can possibly have. There was a lot of dysfunction in our home growing up that’s caused myself and my siblings to have complicated relationships. We love each other but don’t necessarily like each other a lot of the time. My mom contributes to that by playing us against each other. My siblings acknowledge how much I do for mom but take advantage of the fact that they know I will no matter what. They do nothing. I won’t go into specifics but several years ago mom kept asking me to take her to the attorney to change her will to exclude one of them. At the time I had not become so resentful and talked her out of it. I still felt that everything should be equal. Since that time moms care has increased exponentially and I have become extremely resentful. Several months ago one of my siblings talked with mom about all that I do for her and suggested she start paying me. I think she did that out of guilt. When mom told me about the conversation I told her I didn’t feel right taking money from her. I handle all her finances and still haven’t paid myself. I know that probably sounds
crazy, but I don’t feel she should have to pay me, she’s my mother! If there’s no money left, or it’s a small amount I could be ok with things the way they are. I would still feel resentment but would get over it. But, there’s the potential for a very large sum of money and I’m not sure I could get past the resentment of it being equally divided. I have made many sacrifices and my siblings would not dispute that if asked. If I start taking the monthly pay and the will stays the same then I think I should get paid for the last several years. I’m not sure how mom or my siblings would feel about that. The bottom line is, I feel if I’m going to be compensated it should come from them, not her, and only if there’s money left. I am so confused. My quality of life and health are suffering because of the demands of caring for mom and it just isn’t fair.
Wills and trusts change. What we planned in '18 may be very different in, say '22. 2 of our kids are Drs and make well over a half million a year. We're very middle income people and saved for retirement with the belief we wouldn't have SS. Looks like we will, so great, we'll have $4K more a month than we planned.
I have very mixed feelings about viewing a will prior to a person's death. My mother TOLD ME to read hers. I think she wanted me to see that $1500 "bill", which, BTW, is worthless, as it's not notarized and just scribbled on a piece of paper. I think she just wanted to hurt me. My sister was "loaned" $70K some years ago with the proviso she pay it back, but she would not stand to inherit anything. Well, she was forgiven the debt (still owed well over $50K) and now will receive her 1/5th. It's HARD and it's HURTFUL to get cut out of, or personally attacked in a will. At least I know what to plan for, if mother ever dies.
My hubby and his mother are no longer speaking. She has cut him out of her will. Yet, he is the executor anyway. This will prove interesting. He doesn't care and I'm sure he really does, and it REALLY hurts. Better off she left EVERYTHING to a charity, than give it all to her daughter and cut out the 2 sons who have "disappointed her" so deeply.
If your mother has a CG, she should be compensated NOW. If she wants to leave her a small token of something, that would be fine and sweet, but not a chunk of her estate. It will be challenged and sadness will ensue. Not worth it.
Changing a will to compensate one more than another would be difficult for most parents to do. And if they live long enough there may be nothing left to inherit.
I see your point. It doesn't seem fair that the child who is there for them doesn't get a little more than those who have chosen not to be involved. But I guess thats life. If you are Executor, your entitled to 6% of the net amount before dividing up the inheritance. All debts are paid first.
I wouldn't encourage. I like what Midkid said about maybe leaving something, like a ring, just to you. But, I would want that in writing. Then the others can't say you stole it. You could encourage a codicle to be added to the will. This is a list of names and how the person wants their personal belongings distributed.
Now the dispersal of items may be looked at in a different way. I've left all 4 of my daughters my rings, and one is getting my solitaire (worth about $4K) while one is getting my star sapphire (worth about $200). I have spoken as group to all the girls and they are all OK with whatever I have chosen.
I don't think kids should be involved in the estate planning at all, if it can be avoided. It's NONE of our business.
My eldest brother robbed my parents blind while he was alive, believing he was simply receiving his "inheritance" early. $200,000?? Mom's will leaves each of us remaining sibs $10,000 each. Maybe. And I have note in the will that states I OWE the estate $1500 for something, I have no idea what. Yes, this angers me--but I'm not going to have a fit over it. It just hurts, b/c I feel like mom & dad are angry with me for something--but I will never know what or why.
While my YB has "cared" for mother for the last 22 years in his home, he has been amply supported by each of the other sibs over the years to the tune of about $5000 a year from 4 of us. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but it's a given we all help out when we can.
When mother's will is read, there are no surprises. Anger at the elder brother who robbed the follks--what's the point? He's been dead for 7 years. Mom lived to regret that terribly.
So, I'm going to say no, it's not reasonable to "reward" some sibs differently than others, unless there has been a loan or a theft from the estate by one of them.
It's not worth the fracturing of the family to do it acc to some kind of reward system.
We did our wills this summer. We DID NOT include the kids in the planning. Our lawyer told us not to bring any of them as it is not their "problem" and won't be for some years.
It's been my experience that there is nothing to be done legally in these situations unless the power-less take assertive steps right at the beginning, before the member(s) of the family likely to do dirty get their chance to set the gameboard up before the rest of the family even know there is a game.