Ok, my mil, with Dementia LOVES daycare. This surprised us! But, having a nurse come into the home is another story. This is my only respite care, as it is just our family, with 3 kids (19, 15 and 11). My bil is REFUSING to help us, although he lives next door, and we have moved in to help mil. Their move next door is recent. We have lived here a year and uprooted everything. We moved because there was no other choice, bil said he wouldn't take care of her, he'd rather have her in a home. Now, the daycare is going great, she goes 3 times a week. BUT...it is only during the days. My issues is afternoon and evening, as that is when my kids have sports and activities. We've missed a year of sports and school. Now, we had the home nurse come in and my mil was "ok" with it. But, then the nurse actually came to sit with her. My mil was SO mad. My husband explained to her the why's etc...she was pleasant enough to the nurse, but when she left, my mil was livid the rest of the night. Says that she can be home by herself and she doesn't need us. Although we even explained that it was for our peace of mind, so she doesn't fall and we said the other option is to run all over with me with the kids. I thought we did good, but how do I cope with the anger and the mean personality after? Tonight we have somebody for 3 hours and instead of looking forward to time away and not to worry, I am dreading it. We can have up to 20 hours of home care, but am only taking 12, and this is hard enough. Aaargh. Also, how do we get bil to see how important it is for us, to have this extra help, and to step up? Wish we could split "custody" with him, lol!
We had caretakers come in to give us nights off and what i was hoping for a couple days off a week. My son was grown, in college, on his own and the burden was too hard for me to bear.
We went through many caretakers. Gram yelled, screamed, hit and even drew blood from them.
She did not want strangers in her home. Yet, because of lack of memory and lack of reasoning,.she couldnt consider me or my families needs. That was unlike her. But thats what happens. (Continued)
Your loved one isnt going to be happy no matter what. Better for.them to be at home as.long as possible. Take care of yourself and your health along the way.
One memory care facility in India suggested that the father-in-law needs a caregiver and for that caregiver to wear an uniform, similar to that of a doctor, that the father-in-law might be more receptive to someone helping him. It would be interesting to see if that works as the family plans to try that soon.
Some elders will listen to their doctors before listing to us even if we give the same recommendations.... [sigh].
My parents would probably think since I am working at my career that I should be able to quit and help them.... they don't realize that being a Caregiver is a whole lot different than sitting in front of a computer all day at work.
At 88 and a life long mean and nasty narc who trampled anyone who crossed her path, she's had it all - fancy houses, new big cars, exotic vacations and then some,
She was very clever at inflicting pain on others with glee all her life and turning it around so she came up smelling like roses. My poor father (RIP) and I took the brunt of it. He suffered her abuse for over 50 years and busted his chops to give her everything, but it was never enough. His heart gave out 15 years ago and I'm convinced she sent him to an early grave.
Yes, she will probably pass away in the next few months and, frankly, no-one will care, not even me as I suffered at her hands life long since I was a small child. She has no friends, wants cremation and her ashes scattered. I will do as she wishes, clear out her room at the NH and get on with my life.
Yes, it will be traumatic and I may just take care of my animals, home chores, drink some wine and sleep a lot until I can come to terms with things. A lifetime of a narc parent never goes away and we will have PTSD for life, but perhaps, in time, we can heal to some degree. In the meantime, wine and sleep, surrounded by my precious dogs and cats, will work for me.
What we did was basically had patience and got a good person who turned out to be a good friend instead of just a caregiver. They are rare and in fact I don't think we have only a handful that turns out that way, but when you get them, hold on tightly and treat them well as they are usually the ones who get burnt out. Only wish we could find another "Diane" here in Maine as right now my house is a mess, she's very cranky at times and I am feeling a bit burnt out at times due to lack of sleep and balancing too much in my life.
My suggestion is be patient. Tell her you need the help not her. Tell her they are there for another reason than watching her. Encourage them to do puzzles with her or something else she enjoys doing. Make them a true companion so that it works out.
Just tell them its an extra pair of hands to help clean.
No uniform, regular clothes will make them more comfortable, and not seem so much like a "nurse"
You are getting them "house help", because YOU need help not them.
I don't know too many people that don't want help cleaning.
Caregivers do clean but as I say, they don't scrub.