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My 95 year old father is now in "trouble" for using offensive language with a worker at his assisted living residence. I have spoken with him many times about this, but now it looks like we may need to move him to another facility. Please help.
Does your father have dementia? You don't say what type of offensive language he's using, but chances are he may not have complete control over this behavior. If you've spoken with him many times about it, and he hasn't gotten a grip on it yet, it might be time to talk to his doctor about this. It could be a symptom of something else going on. If it's just one worker, perhaps the residence could adjust work schedules?
What are the underlying issues? Is he unhappy where he is? Does he want to come home? I find that offensive language comes more frequently when frustration and anger levels rise.
If this behavior is uncharacteristic, try to find the source of this change and address that, although if he's not happy in AL, that's not going to be an easy. And if so, perhaps you could think of ways to lessen his desire to be elsewhere.
blueize, if this is not common behavior, then possible your Dad might have an Urinary Tract Infection [UTI], as such behavior can be related to that. And/or he could have dementia, and there is a stage where inappropriate language/behavior is not unusual.
The fact that your Dad is "in trouble" for the language tells me the facility might not be the level of care he needs. Those who work in Memory Care are use to such language.
Blueize, If the condition is Tourettes Syndrome your father may not have to move. A facility should be able to deal with this condition, not punish him. It may be a disability. It may be treatable. If he has offended a worker, has he also offended other residents? You could contact the people who enforce the Americans With Disabilities. Maybe that is the ACLU?
However, maybe your father needs a higher level of care. Maybe he won't want to stay where he is not wanted. Maybe what is needed is for private companion care to be with him in public. If he is drinking or otherwise substance abusing, then get him treatment. There are so many things one can do. Does he stop when you scold him? Then he can control his behavior somewhat.
Thanks to everyone. I think the UTI and some sundowning might be part of it now that I think back to when this might have occurred. He does get impatient and worries a lot. I think talking to his doctor might be what I need to do. I appreciate the guidance from several of the comments.
Lollie, "scolding" most likely will not help with this. Is it just one worker that is complaining about his behavior? I would think that it would be more than one. Perhaps this one does not like your father? I would ask the facility to assign someone else to him. It seems that woyld be relatively easy to do.
Does your dad have dementia? Are the workers at the facility trained in dementia care and methods to deal with this behavior? It could be sundowning, and if he does this to one it more than likely happens to others as well. Is he in memory care?
Blueize- All of the above are very helpful answers. My MOTHER has this problem on occasion but the facility is used to it and her doctor knows how to take care of it. Any facility trained in Alzheimers/Demetia care should be capable of handling this as it actually appears to be common. With my mom it IS dementia which is progressing, or on occasion it has been a UTI also. I am mortified when I hear her use it and scold her (which does no good at all) but they shake it off and are used to it. In fact a few of them get a giggle over it because it IS a woman talking this way!
Your father cannot control his behavior. I don't think you can impose him on another assisted living facility. It may be time for you to consider a facility with a dementia unit. I once had to stay temporality in an assisted living facility with my husband, who had Parkinson's. A sweet little old lady became abusive toward him. She did not belong in assisted living. We left.
I am just guessing here but it sounds like he cannot help himself.Some medical conditions make it impossible to stop using offensive language and/or behaviors.For instance stroke victims cannot help it, dementia patients as well just to name a couple.He might be in pain, Has a doctor checked him out? It would be worth the time to have a physical check up and/or neurological check up.Good luck and God Bless
Before my mom was moved into the Alzheimer's unit, there was a man across the hall from her who would regularly have meltdowns. He would yell obscenities and racist remarks at the top of his lungs. Occasionally, he would become physical with the duty nurse. Nothing was ever said about moving him to a different facility. The staff accepted him for who he was and would simply shut the door to his room. When he was "normal", he was actually a very nice man and even wished me a happy Mother's Day last year. He would also ask me how my mother was doing. If one of the staff is complaining about your dad, before uprooting him, speak with the Director of Nursing with the staff who is making the complaints present. Perhaps you can work out a solution.
Blueize, my dad has had the same issue for quite some time and as his A/D worsens so does his language. Anti-anxiety medication does help though. Dad was starting to fall, a lot, then was moved to a wheelchair for mobility. He is still afraid he's,going to fall so the nurses and his doctor are trying to find the right balance of meds, and still keep him interactive and engaged. Dad's condition has worsened considerably in the last year. It's the 8th year since he was originally diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He's 78 and his home health agency just suggested he be considered for hospice care at the Alzheimer/Dementia assisted living center where he lives. Bottom line, keep the faith, work with your lived one's nurses and doctor's to find the best balance of meds for the best quality of life he can have.
You can not "scold" him. If your father had dementia one of the things that "goes" is a filter. We filter things everyday, language, fondling ourselves, exposing ourselves, urinating where it is not acceptable, manners. People working in a facility realize that filters are no longer present and they accept these things better than people that are not exposed or trained. This behavior may bother you more than it bothers the worker. Talk to the director and to the worker of the unit where your father is and ask if it is a real problem or if you are perceiving a problem where none exists. If your father is happy and well cared for where he is he is better off staying. I can almost guarantee that he will do the same thing no matter where you move him.
If he is a dementia patient I would suspect that their is little you can do. However, workers who are around dementia patients should understand the situation. My dad developed a whole new vocabulary as his dementia progressed. After a time he seemed to progress past it though, so it may go away over time.
Oh, for craps sake! These poor people who suffer from dementia get treated like children enough as it is - without "getting in trouble". Yes, very often they act out like children but those who are there to help - those still mentally competent ought to be able to show a little compassion and ignore or redirect any blue language, whether it be subject matter or in word choice. When my mother had her brief stay in AL she once unfortunately sat next to a particular lady in the dining room whom she noticed always sat alone - turns out there was a reason why, as the lady went on to call my mother names and berate her all through the meal. Mom called me that evening, quite upset by the whole thing. Soooo - I went and spoke to the director, like the well trained daughter I was. The response? "I'm sorry that happened to your mother. Usually staff keep an eye out and stop anyone from sitting with her during meals". Sounds like someone needs a course on dementia at your dads place - or a switch in career choice. If bad language is enough to keep someone from a facility, I'll probably wind up sitting in my soiled Depends, alone in my apartment.
Working in a skilled care facility requires the ability to absorb some unpleasant behavior from the residents. It is unreasonable to expect people who are ill and out of touch with the world and themselves to exhibit company manners. If he were physically assaultive or combative there would be a reason to move him to a facility more prepared to handle him but his inappropriate statements are part of his medical condition and therefore something staff should be prepared to deal with. Yes it's hard to hear abusive, profane, racist, insulting, insensitive, or inappropriately sexual remarks but in this context they aren't personal and they come with the territory. I worked with juvenile delinquents for many years and got called about everything but a child of God -- but that was just who they were.
Another thing you could consider is putting a camera into the room so you could get a better idea of how he really is and what they are really dealing with. It can help you participate better as an informed person, and feel good about a better plan whatever that plan ends up having to be. Work with the home on permission, and purchase your own camera and internet connection and contract. For a month and about $300 total you will know ever so much more and will be much more able to know what the right thing to do is. You know a small piece of the pie from hearing the reports others give you, and it makes it harder to know what to do when transitions start to occur.
Without knowing, foul language is a characteristic of Turret's syndrome, however at 95 yrs. he probably has dementia and it is just his brain losing its ability to recognize "abusive" language. Language skills are highly complex and dementia robs a brain of that function.
This reminds me of a situation with my mom. My two brothers and I were moving her things to a nursing home. My oldest brother rarely had anything to do with my mom but was there helping at my request. Mom was in a foul mood. So mom says to my oldest brother- referring to her cat "isn't he a nice kitty?" and brother replied "yes, he's a very nice cat". Innocent enough, right? Not sure if mom didn't like his tone, was mad at him in general or what - but she then says to brother "fu!" Unfortunately my brother was unable to blow it off. Yes, it's a bit of a shock to hear a little, white haired, old lady talk like that - but then again, bad language can be the least of everything that comes with dementia.
I strongly agree about getting your dad checked out to see what's going on. I would get him checked out completely by having a thorough work up done on him including looking for dementia or Alzheimer's as mentioned here. I would also see if the real problem may be with that worker because something may be going on we don't know about without speaking to the management. One thing you may want to do is set up a hidden camera in his apartment to see what's really going on when that particular worker comes around. That way, you'll know what really happened because the video won't lie since it also records audio. This is what I would start out with, because I would want to get to the bottom of what's really going on through a nanny cam recording. As for the workers though, if they can't handle this part of the job, then they really shouldn't be in the profession because this kind of thing comes with the profession. Working in any profession comes with a wide range of surprises as well as lessons. Anytime you work with a wide range of people, you really have to be totally prepared and able to take whatever comes your way. Employers really aren't supposed to handle people who aren't cut out for the jobs they offer, they want totally qualified individuals who can also take even the abuse that comes their way in this type of profession. Workers are actually supposed to know how to handle this type of behavior even if it means calling for help from the management.
My father uses "d-mn" all the time and it aggravates me no end! I have told him that, but he says it's not bad language. Well, I can remember very well him spanking me for catching me using it (while doing a chore around the house, no less!). Now, HE objected strenuously, to my using "sh-t" once when telling him I didn't want to clean up after the neighbor's dog! Did I mention I do all the "shut" work around his house, and always have?
He is as much in his right mind as he has ever been, which is not much! He does it to impress everybody with how "masculine" he is. Do I sound hostile? Well, I have had to put up with his arrogant, anti-social behavior for a long time, and at 95 he is not going to change, I'm afraid.
Anyway, thanks for listening! I really think if a worker at the facility can't handle your father's language, though, he or she needs to work elsewhere. The problem, of course, is if your father uses bad language frequently, and with other patients or members of the public. And of course, if he has a UTI, Tourette's, or other problems as other people have suggested. There are a lot of reasons why people use bad language. Is it something he heard when he was growing up? Perhaps he is simply "regressing" to a second childhood. You have my deepest sympathies!
As we get older, and especially with dementia creeping in, the filters that we have when we were younger disappear - just like our memories. Your father probably doesn't even know what he is saying. If he is at a "facility" I am surprised the operators are not aware of why this is happening. Are you considering moving him because you are embarrassed, or are they asking you to move him. As caretakers we need to lower our standards of cleanliness [within healthy levels] food desires [same] and social graciousness. People who are educated to the issues facing the elderly, and those willing to learn them, will take your father's language in stride. Others aren't worth your, or your father's concern.
I would just ignore the outbursts. Scolding him at 95 will do no good. I agree with all the other answers, it might be a U.T.I. or there will some other reason. All the best, Arlene Hutcheon
UTI etc is also symptom of Thiamine B1Vit def. As is the impulsive abusive language. If this is not normally normal a metabolic panel inc Thiamin not normally looked for because so little nec.and water soluable. Stored in liver. but if problem storing or dehydrated or longterm electrolyte imbalance. loose, stools ,, night sweats, .diarrhea . All can leas to this little vitamin def that can cause perm. brain damage for want of lack of and CHF
O just ask for a Im sorry after..Scolding or yelling is improper. Ignore donot acknowledge hostility. Be plesant even if it kills you. quiet calmly nicely talk about when someone abused not acceptable. If need stronger vibe. Flat out. I will not accept abuse by you . I will gladly accept an apology and love a promise to try better. Put you in their bed.
Oh boy, Mom has outbusts with the CNAs on occasion, especially when she doesn't want to get out of bed a 10 am! When I'm visiting her, we only have the CNA from 9-12 in the morning so I can get out for a walk/jog and shower without interruption while the CNA gets her up, showered, dressed and haves breakfast. Sometimes I get back to find Mom has been fighting the CNA and I've had to explain to her that the CNA leaves at noon and if she wants a shower, she has to have it NOW! Mom replied (in the CNA's presence), that she doesn't like her and she's a bitch! Then she snapped at me, telling me to go to hell! Privately, I talked with the CNA, who said that on these occasions, Mom usually apologized later and the CNA said she's used to these outbursts. Still, it's hurtful, both to the CNA and to me. We know Mom's cranky when she's had a bad night (UTI and/or getting up to use the toilet every 2 hours or so). Since the CNAs have seen Mom being verbally abusive to me, they know when she's that way with them that it's not personal. As I've told them, they don't cut me any slack! Agree with Bekcytodd1; sometimes you just have to suck it up and be patient. At this stage, the LO may not remember what she had for dinner 20 minutes ago, but forever remember that you scolded her/him.
My 93 year old mom can cuss with the best of them and while I'm always apologizing for her I recognize it is just her frustration - of course this behavior also is a tell tale sign of an UTI and she's had several since the move to memory care 8 months ago
Early on I watched in disbelief as staff let two wheelchair bound residents - one male and one female - cuss each other out after dinner - they both have passed but what a way to spend your final days
I'm surprised that the memory center doesn't just let this go. It can't be unusual for them. A center of the brain that works is doing this when the filters can't stop it. There's nothing that scolding will do and they should know this.
It saddens me no end when caregivers must deal with homes that claim to care for people with dementia and then want them out when they run into common behaviors like this.
I agree with those who said if this is not common, then a UTI could be causing it, but for some, that's what dementia does.
blueize: No doubt he has no idea he's using offensive language even though you've told him. Perhaps he forgets it as soon as you told him or shortly thereafter. Perhaps take him to a mental evaluation.
I had a brain injury during resusitation 3 years ago and for months afterward i swore like a sailor, and stayed off the radio because of it, but i already new it would take time and didnt sweat it because the brain and language processing errors be it injury or aging are common , if anything dont scold him just use my apology "i am lloking to recomplete 3rd grade but no school will accept me " have a litle compassion for a person with a brain injury" if that did not solve the issue i told them they had a bigger problem than my language , being an oger is a choice.
As stated the facility your dad is at may suck , having an untrained staff although in the United States there are very few states or even the Federal government regulations on care facilities and assisted living centers, you may get incredbly lucky and find a facilty that has JCHO acreditation or something similar which generally is a very good sign that the people are trained, skilled and care, dont accept grief from these people or give any to your dad he does not need it or deserve it , he raised you right didnt he, the closing years of ones life should not be anymore difficult or complicated, the man long ago earned that respect and honor.
I agree with the other responses. Worked with the elderly for years as a nurse. I worked as a bartender while going to college - heard a lot more rough language as a nurse than a bartender. Facility should reassign worker and give some training on dementia residents.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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If this behavior is uncharacteristic, try to find the source of this change and address that, although if he's not happy in AL, that's not going to be an easy. And if so, perhaps you could think of ways to lessen his desire to be elsewhere.
The fact that your Dad is "in trouble" for the language tells me the facility might not be the level of care he needs. Those who work in Memory Care are use to such language.
A facility should be able to deal with this condition, not punish him. It may be a disability. It may be treatable. If he has offended a worker, has he also offended other residents? You could contact the people who enforce the Americans With Disabilities. Maybe that is the ACLU?
However, maybe your father needs a higher level of care. Maybe he won't want to stay where he is not wanted. Maybe what is needed is for private companion care to be with him in public. If he is drinking or otherwise substance abusing, then get him treatment. There are so many things one can do. Does he stop when you scold him? Then he can control his behavior somewhat.
Please let us know what you think.
Does your dad have dementia? Are the workers at the facility trained in dementia care and methods to deal with this behavior? It could be sundowning, and if he does this to one it more than likely happens to others as well. Is he in memory care?
If your father had dementia one of the things that "goes" is a filter.
We filter things everyday, language, fondling ourselves, exposing ourselves, urinating where it is not acceptable, manners.
People working in a facility realize that filters are no longer present and they accept these things better than people that are not exposed or trained.
This behavior may bother you more than it bothers the worker.
Talk to the director and to the worker of the unit where your father is and ask if it is a real problem or if you are perceiving a problem where none exists.
If your father is happy and well cared for where he is he is better off staying. I can almost guarantee that he will do the same thing no matter where you move him.
He is as much in his right mind as he has ever been, which is not much! He does it to impress everybody with how "masculine" he is. Do I sound hostile? Well, I have had to put up with his arrogant, anti-social behavior for a long time, and at 95 he is not going to change, I'm afraid.
Anyway, thanks for listening! I really think if a worker at the facility can't handle your father's language, though, he or she needs to work elsewhere. The problem, of course, is if your father uses bad language frequently, and with other patients or members of the public.
And of course, if he has a UTI, Tourette's, or other problems as other people have suggested. There are a lot of reasons why people use bad language. Is it something he heard when he was growing up? Perhaps he is simply "regressing" to a second childhood.
You have my deepest sympathies!
If this is not normally normal a metabolic panel inc Thiamin not normally looked for because so little nec.and water soluable. Stored in liver. but if problem storing or dehydrated or longterm electrolyte imbalance. loose, stools ,, night sweats, .diarrhea . All can leas to this little vitamin def that can cause perm. brain damage for want of lack of and CHF
Ignore donot acknowledge hostility.
Be plesant even if it kills you.
quiet calmly nicely talk about when someone abused not acceptable. If need stronger vibe. Flat out. I will not accept abuse by you . I will gladly accept an apology and love a promise to try better.
Put you in their bed.
Early on I watched in disbelief as staff let two wheelchair bound residents - one male and one female - cuss each other out after dinner - they both have passed but what a way to spend your final days
It saddens me no end when caregivers must deal with homes that claim to care for people with dementia and then want them out when they run into common behaviors like this.
I agree with those who said if this is not common, then a UTI could be causing it, but for some, that's what dementia does.
We'd love to hear back from you. Take care,
Carol
As stated the facility your dad is at may suck , having an untrained staff although in the United States there are very few states or even the Federal government regulations on care facilities and assisted living centers, you may get incredbly lucky and find a facilty that has JCHO acreditation or something similar which generally is a very good sign that the people are trained, skilled and care, dont accept grief from these people or give any to your dad he does not need it or deserve it , he raised you right didnt he, the closing years of ones life should not be anymore difficult or complicated, the man long ago earned that respect and honor.