Good morning Caretakers! I am 10 yrs into being a caretaker for my 95 yr old mother. She moved here 9 yrs ago to live a few doors away when my dad went into a nursing home. She’s been dependent on me and my spouse because she is almost blind with macular degeneration for starters. Over the years, she gradually declined to the point of having invasive squamous cell carcinoma with multiple surgeries (mohs) that has metastasized elsewhere in her body, end stage chf, a pace maker battery that probably quit over a year ago, and the latest for the past year - Inflammatory Breast Cancer that is now fungating. She has been in hospice for almost 2 yrs. All this time, she has required so much attention to just keeping her life flowing, I don’t even know where to start. She is on the spectrum of narcissism, and she just expected us to do for her. She would never go into assisted living - or now a nursing home, and will fight when it comes time to go to the beautiful hospice facility we have in the area. She is still managing in her own home, and tells hospice that she only wants the help from the cna once a week. She says she wants her privacy. She is of sound mind, it’s just the rest of her that is decaying before our very eyes.
In the meantime, my health is bad. I have stage 3b Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma that I have been treating for for 4 yrs. I don’t care about my appearance anymore. I look disheveled. I hear from family members who want to come visit us, but I don’t even want to see anyone. They would be shocked at the sight of me and I would be so embarrassed. You may wonder how my mother is still managing in her own home. I wonder the same thing. She just does. If she couldn’t manage anymore, I would say it’s time to go to Hospice Care, but she still holds it together. I am drained and I’m not sure I will ever recover from this long journey. She would never have done this for me. In fact each of us kids had to leave the home when we turned 18 - whether we were ready or not. I have spent all my 60’s caring for my family members (my dad and my 2 sisters), that have passed including my mother and my mother is the last from my immediate family. I will be 70 yrs old soon. I was triggered to write this morning because I needed to vent. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I am a shadow of my former self. I wonder if I will ever have my life back to be free to do as I please. My poor husband has been on this never-ending journey with me. I wouldn’t even know where we could begin again. Blessings to all caregivers today.
I don’t mention any of this to my mother. It would not be good. My mother would never understand and thinks everyone should just shrug it off. I know better. So, I call my mother in the mornings and I’m seeing her on Saturday’s when I do her meds. The nurses are monitoring her abilities to do for herself without visits from me. The cna is ready to go more to help her if she needs it. I’m okay with this. I’m less stressed with her situation.
I appreciate everyone’s input. Everyone here knows the situation better than anyone else. I’ve yet to get a haircut, but I’m working on it! That’s next. Baby steps when I haven’t paid attention to myself in ages! Love and light to everyone!! 🌟🌟💖💖
I was at an end stage in my 40's (bld fire) and had a friend do alternative therapies for me (After two years I knew she'd had enough and by then I could "walk and talk" on my own). As well I took care of friends dying of A.I.D.S. I'd been on both sides myself.
Now I have the dreaded c - and am living along and trying to get assistance before I am no longer able. (dealing with Government agancies!!!)
We all will be there someday in spite of our best plans (obtaining my Masters then a bld fire which changed my life forever).
Our parents took care of us (as best they could) and we mho need to assist them. That does not mean doing it all as you have your own life and responsibilities and health matters.
MHO inform her there are many professionals who will assist her.
Best to you.
Secondly I don't think all parents are naturally narcissistic even when needing care. There are things my 90 year old mother residing now in a NH needs from me but she does not behave in a narcissistic manner. Yes a NH meets many needs but the person I am will see what is lacking or difficult for her and do my best to try to fix the problem. For example: She asked about earplugs because her neighbor who is completely mentally gone has the TV on loudly through the night. One day when I was visiting at lunchtime an aide was feeding this resident and the TV was on loudly. I got the sense the aide wanted to watch the program. I politely requested that it be lowered as I could not even converse effectively with my mother. When I heard about the issue of the overnight noise I complained to the staff saying that it was not at all right for a TV to be on loudly during the night. The next night it was not and my mother was grateful. My mother's attitude to this issue was to request earplugs. She would not complain about the noise. True narcissistic behavior would not have shown itself in that manner.
I am not disrespecting your education. I certainly feel for both you and the OP. There are ways that my mother's longevity has taken tolls on me. Although she resides in a facility she has had years of compromised health,fruitlessly relying on religion to cure ailments. I feel I have been on this journey of health issues for a long time. When it was first evident to me I was 10. I am sad that a serious septic infection has now left her immobile.
I hope you are able to find the assistance you need for your care.