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Please, for the sake of your own health and sanity, tell your mother that you are no longer going to care for her and why.

Leave.

Block her phone number. No one deserves this level of abuse.

Please read the book "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. Read up on Fear, Obligation and Guilt, also known as F.O.G. Read about children of narcissistic parents.

Your siblings have figured this out. I think you should too.

Either your mother can pay for her own care or she can get public assistsnce like Medicaid to deal with that. This is NOT your job.
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Amazedin2020 Oct 2020
Wow! Thank you for the resources! I am in a similar situation and I am glad I checked the discussion board today. When I told my father I was done; he said he needed help. He’s 90 and ailing and she is plain nasty and ailing. Both narcissistic. I may choose not to leave, but with the emotional arsenal you provided; I don’t see how I can lose. This is good news. Thanks again!
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Why is your 90 year old mother "living very well, independently and largely on (your) dime"? SHE should be paying for HER CARE, NOT YOU. Does your Mother live in her own apartment or house OR does she live with you but is able to take care of her own physical needs--toileting, bathing, eating, dressing? Could you give a little more information so that we can give appropriate suggestions?

And NO, you are not wrong for speaking up, BUT you do NOT need to "suffer the retaliation". Stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. Can you walk away when your Mother starts to get nasty? You need to put yourself first.
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EEMFLA Sep 2020
Thanks DeeAnna, I do need to toughen up. I’ve always tried to be respectful of others and especially my elders, and not fight fire with fire. But since that approach is failing me, it’s time to try a new tactic. Just an FYI, by living independently I meant, living alone. Sorry, I see that was confusing terminology. Thanks again for your reply.
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You are putting up with someone who is abusive and punishing. Everyone else has recognized reality and moved away from this person. You have chosen, even after therapy and the help of all NOT to take yourself out of this horrible person's orbit. People are only recognizing that this, indeed is your choice. Finally there is nothing left but to say "I am so sorry" (and truly I am).
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EEMFLA Sep 2020
Thank you for your reply. As the sole caregiver to someone who lives alone and is not currently medically eligible for financial assistance to be placed in a care facility, or financially equipped to do it on her own, perhaps I’m overlooking how I remove myself from “her orbit”.
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