My mom is 85. Lives in NY. I live in NC. She has had depression for 25 years. Never got any treatment except anti depressants. Same kind. Same dose, sometimes takes it. I have tried for years to get her to get help. Depressed for 6 mths and 2 mths comes out of it, Refuses to move when depressed. When I have small window to move her she hesitates. Her house is disgusting. I can’t visit her. I’m physically sick going in there. I have tried phone therapy. Home care visits. Dept of aging. Adult protective services. Offer to come get her. Set her up in bear apartment. Nope she just says she’s too sick, only wants me to come there and help her. I have a family. Grandchildren. She sucks the joy out of me. So negative. Re hash the past. Awful. My brothers don’t want to deal with it. This week I was planning to go get her but plan fell through, I feel awful . She has mice all over. Hoarding. I feel terrible letting her live there. But she won’t budge. I can’t drag her out, need help. Need a compassionate person to come along side me and help. My husband is great. But he knows having her close will be a drain on me
It sounds like you have gone above and beyond, to get mom help.
I think it's time to worry about your immediate family, and don't feel any guilt, this is not your fault!!
If you move mom she is just going to hoard again. Unless you can get her to go in assisted living I see no other way.
Hoarders are especially stubborn about leaving, because they won't leave there stuff they have gotten so close to, for what ever reason, that makes no sense to me.
Please be kind to yourself, don't feel guilt, you didn't cause this, infact you have done everything humanly possible to fix it.
Also, you can complain to the city. If the house is as bad as you say, it will be condemned and the law will force her out, or force her to work with professional cleaners and contractors to get it up to standard.
Whatever you do, don't move her in with you because she will destroy your life, your home, and your marriage.
Get your brothers on board with this. Ask them to help with making these calls and talking to the right people.
You can't clean her house if she is a hoarder and the place is falling apart. You need professionals to do this. Get the city involved because your mother like so many seniors won't "allow" anything to get done unless it's on their terms and done by whom they choose.
She can't be "allowed" to decide anymore and you have to take that choice away from her by calling in the city. Then she will be forced to accept the help she needs in the house or to be moved into an AL where she can be looked after and cared for.
Then what ? Where was she going to live ?
She already is uncooperative .
Do not move mom into your own home . Once you do that it may be impossible to get her to leave to go to an apartment or a care home , like assisted living or whatever level of care she may need later on . She may decide she likes living with you .
Even if the plan is temporary , Once you make your home her legal residence , it can be very difficult to get her out . You’ve already said her being close would be a drain on you .
Read threads under the caregiver burn out section of the many people who made the mistake of bringing a stubborn , mentally ill elder to live in their home , and can not get them to move out .
It has caused caregivers , their physical and mental health , jobs , and marriages to end .
You haven’t said that she has dementia or is incompetent to make decisions . This is why you should not take her into your home . If you wanted her to leave , She could fight to stay in your home as it would be her legal residence .
If you are not POA or guardian and/or Mom is competent to make decisions , you have no power here .
The only move I would consider is if Mom went straight to an independent living or assisted living facility . And you would need to control the amount of stuff she had .
Getting her a regular apartment would end up the same , hoarded. Then you’d be faced with her being evicted .
You say you have tried APS and the Agency of Aging without result . They must not see her in need of care for a vulnerable elder. Perhaps they see it as just a hoarder issue . You could try the Dept of Health . But if they condemn the house as not livable , Then they give her a deadline to clean it up or leave . Have you watched the show Hoarder’s ? What will you do if they say she has to get out, and she won’t ?
This is an impossible situation which is why your brothers stay away .
Unless your mother is willing to go to a doctor to be tested for dementia , My suggestion is to wait until something happens to force a change . Wait until Mom ends up in the hospital and ask to have her tested for dementia , and competence . They will tell you to do it as an outpatient . You tell them she refuses to go for testing as an outpatient , and tell them her living conditions . Hopefully they will then test her .
If she is deemed not competent or not safe to live alone , you have the social worker at the hospital help with placement . You tell them there is no one to take care of her , and she can’t live with you . You tell them you work ( even if you don’t ) .
They will try to say it’s your responsibility to deal with it but it’s not if you are not guardian , or POA . They will say homecare will come , it won’t be enough .
If they say she can not be alone then you say it’s an unsafe discharge to send her home and don’t pick her up from the hospital .
The social workers at the hospitals are told to get people discharged and have the families figure it out . Don’t go along with that .
In the mean time I would keep pushing APS , Dept of Aging to keep checking . Maybe one of them that goes will
decide they need to pull her out of her home and place her in a facility .
I’m sorry you have to watch this .
You can’t drag her out yourself .
You have no power .
Taking this on without power is not wise.
She will still have unresolved mental health issues.
She will still not want to go to therapy.
She may probably still be noncompliant with medication.
She is a hoarder where she is, she will be a hoarder when she moves.
You contact APS, mom says she needs no help.
That is all APS can do. They can not force her to move, they can not force her to accept help.
Unfortunately you wait.
And wait.
And wait some more.
Eventually something will happen that will force a change.
She may fall, become ill and a trip to the ER can then possibly facilitate change.
BUT you have to have the authority to authorize treatment, a move, a change.
do you have that authority? If not that is what you talk to m om about.
And make sure that your information is on her medical records as a person that can get and give information to medical staff.
do not put yourself in a position that this is going to mentally, emotionally, physically drain you. (And your husband)
Your mom isn’t just depressed. She is severely mentally ill. As much as you want to fix the situation and see her in a better circumstance, it is just not possible. Not with your efforts, anyway. You have exhausted every avenue to help her. You obviously care a LOT!
But you will have to leave her in God’s hands.
If you think moving her near you will help, you’re mistaken. She would be the same person and would just re-create her situation. She won’t let you help now and she still won’t in the future no matter where she is.
She is sick. Either doesn’t understand how sick she is, or doesn’t care. I think it’s more of the latter.
If you have the faith you claim, then now is your time to put it to work. LET GO AND LET GOD.
Try calling the Dept of Health for advice and see what they say. They may condemn the house which would force her to move. But again, you'll be opening a Pandoras Box you won't be able to close back up again. Be forewarned.
Good luck to you.
Leave her alone, stop orbiting around her and just keep reporting her to APS. If she calls and asks you to come help her tell her you are helping her in the only way that accommodates your life: reporting her to APS. She’ll be angry but so what? This is a legitimate solution so stop inserting yourself. I know it feels terrible but you’ve already tried everything. Now sit it out and tag in another “rescuer”.
so one way or another it may be tough for a move for multiple reasons.
Having her stay in NY in some capacity might be the best?
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