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Hi Jamelle, I'm sorry you came from such a dysfunctional family.

If your husband wrote into us instead of you writing into to us. Asking us what he should do, most on here would tell him, if he can't get his wife to put mom in a facility then he should leave. We would tell him he has to think of his own mental health and more importantly the mental health of his children and the tension in your home is not healthy for them

I understand why you are doing what you are doing, but that doesn't make it the right decision. Your mom all ready ruined your childhood, don't let her ruin your children's child hood.

I strongly advise you today right now, give your husband a huge hug, tell him , thank you for putting up with mom the last 2 years, then get on the phone and get your mom placed.

You say you are doing this because of the Bible, I suspect there is more to it. As children we need are mothers love, you never had that, and your still understandably still looking for that.

So after you hug your husband, make your calls, also if you are not please get some counseling. You have had so much damage done to you.

Please keep in touch, and let us know how things are going.

My very best wishes to you.
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Jamelle Nov 7, 2024
My issue is…prior to me bringing my mother to our home…I discussed this with my husband several times. Informing him on how big the task would be and letting him know it may get bigger than what I have an idea of. I did express to him if he said NO, I would be okay with it. He said yes, she could come, with the stipulation that my two minor siblings would have to find someone else to live with. My brother turned 18 years old and ended getting a job and living with his gf. My 17 year old sister lives with one of our siblings.

like I expressed to my husband; If he doesn’t want her here. No, I wouldn’t be happy with it. But I at least need time to get her endeavors in order to find her a better care facility. He wants her out NOW. That is what bothers me. Because almost every single day I have to relive the trauma from my childhood through my husbands rants when I have had counseling, chose to forgive my mother and move forward. We are in marriage counseling. So we can happily make it through another 15 years, if possible. Yes, we have marital issues.

In my mind…which is why I am here…if he knew he did not want her to come here. He should have said no from the beginning. We had been having this same discussion since her first heart attack and during the 7 months she was in the care facility. He never changed his mind. Until a year later a few months ago. Now I’m placed in a position where I don’t know what else to do. That is what makes me say, If I have to choose between my mother and my husband I will hate him. Because to send her back to the only facility that her current insurance accepts. If she dies, and ends up in worse health. I will strongly feel some way about that. Since my mother has lived with us, her health has improved. She has not had a heart attack, had to go to the emergency room and I have rehabilitated her to the point of at least using the commode on her own.

I don't completely believe his feelings are coming strictly from him not wanting her here. I believe his feelings are also coming from the place in his heart where he wants a better relationship with his mother. That’s something he chooses to not speak to our therapists about. It has to be when he is ready. But he has said over and over, it makes him feel some type of way that my mother is here after everything she’s down and not done and I’m choosing to take care of her when he can’t even get a phone call or answered phone call from his mother.

We have made plans to move into a bigger home. For more privacy and we both agreed on it and he’s said numerous of times that it would make him feel better about it. But he still chooses to rant almost every day or every other day about her being here and he wants her gone.

I do not slave my children to help me care for my mother. I always put their studies and recreational activities before asking them for help.

When I do ask them for help…it is either because I am in the middle of cooking meals for my family, working on my business fulfilling orders, or because I’m tired and just need the extra help. I also pay them for their services. At the same time, I can’t choose my family. This is their grandmother. My daughter is very close to my mother, her grandmother. There are times I have to pull her off the couch in the room of my mother and get her in her own bed because she wants to sleep with her grandmother.

At the end of the day…K already made my choice and that was my husband. I married him. There is so much more to this story and how she ended up in our home because our home was not my first choice. But people made decisions without doing their research. Put me in a position to take over and the social worker from the temporary facility said she heeded somewhere to go immediately or they would place her back in the same care facility.
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If you really read your bible, it says that a man will leave his mother and father, and he and his wife will become one flesh meaning; you become one. Sometimes honoring your parents will mean allowing them the help that they need. Your mother is in a different stage in life from yours. I don't think this is what we think about as daughters and sons. We can't do it all.
About people taking care of you when you get old, don't have any expectations. Make your own plans for your elder years. Don't expect your children to take care of you when you get to old age.

You confused the biblical principle of honoring your mother. I think what you are looking for is approval. You are showing her that you are willing to throw out your immediate family you created with your husband and children in the trash to have a relationship with her. If she was in her right mind and health, you would be a second or third thought. A real parent would not allow you to wreck your own life to take care of theirs.

My advice; honor your marriage and the children you created with your husband.

Your husband sees how your family leeches off others and look to others to carry their weight when they run out of options which is other folks who are willing to cover the slack or government subsidies. Proper education and job training courses is where to start.

Save your marriage before it is nothing left to salvage. Start placement for your mother like yesterday.
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PeggySue2020 Nov 7, 2024
Look at it this way, Jamelle. Your mother had six kids taken from her by cps and went on to have five more. If your other siblings refused to take them, they too probably ended up in state care. So that’s eight out of 11, and you haven’t mentioned a dad or dads doing any financial support at all.

So to say that you owe her is not true.

You do owe your own children, however. They should be engaging in after school stuff with friends, not cleaning grandmas depends. And you should be working to ensure not only their future, but yours.

Being that her last children were minors themselves, she sounds like she’s at most about 60. She could go on for years while you lose income not working and your kids lose the last bit of their childhood while potentially your husband leaves you.
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You will lose your family by caring for your mom. Your husband has told you he would leave. He may well take your minor children with him. He gave it a year and can’t do it anymore. If he divorces you, you may not have that house for long either.

Do you really want to choose living in some small apartment with her and split custody with your own children? Because that doesn’t sound like the most stable arrangement for anyone including mom.
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Your priority is your spouse and children, if you have any living in your home. Your husband, when he agreed to allow her to live with you, most likely couldn't image how it would change things. Transitioning your Mom into a different care arrangement doesn't mean you don't love her and care about her. But you married your husband by choice. We don't get to choose our family, like our parents. In a facility you can visit your Mom as much as you wish and do nice things with her and for her. And still have a solid marriage.

You aren't responsible for your Mother's happiness. It totally stinks that she's having bad health problems. Find as good a facility for her as you can. Be a vigilant advocate for her. But preserve your marriage.
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