In the past year, I have felt myself becoming extremely "calm"...ME, whose middle name is Anxiety. 😆 I am 61 years old, have 2 children living in other states more than an 8 hour drive away, I am retired and my husband (second) is 8 years older than I am. I loved the new me... until I found my short-term memory getting worse (me, who was once told I had a "mind like a steel trap"). I had a headache lurking in the background most days, I developed binocular double vision (each eye has almost perfect corrected vision but can't work together correctly), and dizzy spells that started to go to vertigo that would cause me to fall down. I had also developed tinnitis in Nov 2020 but that greatly reduced when the vertigo began for some reason. My eye surgeon has referred me to a neuro-opthamologist and my family doctor sent me for an MRI.... which has come back abnormal.... with mild white matter disease, biparietal atrophy and multiple white patches. The radiologist put forth several possible causes including MS (my daughter was diagnosed at age 34), myelitis, vasculitis, etc. My family doctor is backing up my referral to the neuro-opthamologist. That appointment is not until early August.
My question is this.... My children do not live near me and I have....and always will... encouraged them to live independent, free, full lives. I gave up everything I wanted to do in life to be there for my Mom (Dad died when I was 19), get married, have children and take care of her in her old age... as she expected me to do. We always lived within an hour of each other and she eventually moved to where I lived, 10 minutes from me. She died in 2012. I vowed to NEVER place my own kids in that position. They are now both married, have no kids (which is fine with me!), son has a nice house in the mountains and daughter is settling on her first home next month. They both have good careers.
My question is this..... should I let them know what is going on with me now or wait until a definitive diagnosis, which may take many months or even a year or so? I feel myself declining, mentally and physically, but I do not want to disrupt their lives or place any undue burden on them. I do realize that, if it is MS, symptoms will come and go. But if it is something degenerative... am I wasting time not saying something to them? Many thanks for any advice y'all can give!
It's ok to say you may need help in life. People getting sick (unexpectedly) is nothing new and it's really only this newer generation that doesn't want to be disturbed.
Nowadays there is more help--specialists galore, physical therapist on every street corner and Assisted Livings' (which is the new $$$ maker listed in all investment books) popping up all over America.
I love America, there is no greater country but something has happened that the elderly after WWII kind of took a back seat. Something happened where the reverence and standing in the presence of the aged entering a room is gone.
Why am I saying all of this. This independence thing on both ends this new way of life in the U.S. called "individualism" is doing people in. People are taking better care of their pets than the elderly.
Don't think because you cared for your mother you made a wrong decision. It's just that today's generation have no problem not helping their parents and going off skiing.
The same is true of their children. I have to work. Not really, you bought too much house and do you really need a BMW. People have overextended themselves.
I'm all for education. Don't get me wrong it's great when the next generation does well financially, educated, house in the suburbs but I honestly can't believe how selfish the next generation is. That parents feel funny saying they may be ill. We all need support whether the prognosis is serious or not.
If they do have children the grandparents have to follow the sports teams all over the State. In my day, the elderly were picked up and time was spent with them. The electronic devices are not enough.
It sounds like you are not sure if they (adult children) are going to step up to the plate. My situation, great parents, Sunday dinner, private schools, beach house in the Summer, ski in the winter, studied abroad--live-in grandmother, 2-parent family, dad worked, mom home full-time, Church every Sunday and the relatives visit.
Sounds good doesn't it...next generation. Sister went right back to work, my mom babysits daily and practically raises the kids. Brother came every for Sunday for dinner, mom babysits so his wife can earn a Master's--when his mother-in-law is in hospital with brain cancer they go on a trip to Paris.
When father-in-law passes tell mother-in-law who is 75 (never drove) you have get your license.
Hello out there, doesn't anyone hear me. What's wrong with this picture?
When my mother took sick the people that treated me the best were the grounds people who cut the lawn. The people from Latin America take care of their elderly. They had genuine concern. I love them. They are true Christians.
It sounds like what you are really saying is, "if I am really sick, are they going to help out?" Best you find out now so you will know how to proceed.
My mother too was widowed young. I have always been by her side and never regretted it. Unless you are in that position, no one know what it's like. I don't make excuses for living.
In my case whoever helps me in my old age gets whatever money is left. If it's the landscaper that's fine with me!
I would see an Elder Care Attorney or a good one that is well versed in Trusts, Estate matters and things like that.
Make sure everything is taken care of so down the road YOU will be taken care of. And you need to make plans on the possibility that your husband may outlive you. (You mention he has Alzheimer's there are Special Needs Trusts that can be set up in case something happens to you)
IF you think there is a possibility that you will need Assisted Living and potentially Memory Care consider now looking for communities that offer that and you and your husband can move when you are ready.
Now for the when to tell moment....
This is a personal decision. If I were faced with this I would not say anything until I knew for sure what I was dealing with AND had made my plans for the what comes next.
On the other hand if you were my sister I would want to know so that I could help you and support you through this. (and my sister is probably the one person I would tell through the process)
AND...if you were my daughter I would want to know so that I could support you and the family.
So now that this is all clear as mud it should be real easy for you to make a decision.
If positions were reversed, how would you feel if they "held off" on telling you?
In my family, we have an understanding that we will NOT hold off telling each other (husband, myself and our kids) about possible medical issues. Many years ago my husband's brother held off telling him something about their mom's health, and she took a sudden turn for the worse and almost died. Because BIL had decided he didn't want to "worry" husband, DH almost lost his mom without being able to be there. Fortunately everything worked out ok, but it left a bitter taste in my DH's mouth about being "protected". So we have vowed to never do that.
If you were my mom. I would want to know sooner rather than later.