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Today is my birthday, and I know because of my husbands dementia he can't remember. Should I ask my son to buy a card for him to give to me so he does not feel bad or just let it go.
Happy Birthday! I wouldn't say anything - Just go out and have a nice day off when you're able! We have to make the best of things for ourselves. Don't we.
We always enjoyed birthdays and holidays, and I always mentioned when they were coming up so my husband would remember. Now that he has mixed dementia I still mention it. But when I do, I also show him cards online, and flowers. He liked to get them for me before and he still does now. He picks them out himself. And I let him know how much I love them. He feels good about it and so do I. And it can be done in the living room on the internet in a matter of minutes. And when they arrive we both enjoy them and feel good again. It is something fun we can continue so far. I do the same with him on his birthday, only it’s a card I pick for him, and something he likes. Definitely not flowers ;-D
I wouldn't remind him. Remember that he would congratulate you if he did remember and that it's not because he doesn't love you. I no longer remind my mother that it's my birthday and that's okay.
I wouldn't do a thing about this. I always thought a lot of the celebration of such stuff is for kids anyway. It always amazes me when folks are "hurt" over someone forgetting the day of anniversaries or birthdays.
If later he said to me "OMG I FORGOT your BD!!!!" I would just laugh and say "Thank goodness! Means I am still only 81, and don't have to think about 82 until next year".
Agree. My husband hasn't remembered my b'day for the last couple of years and that's fine by me. I'd just as soon not remember it either since it just means I'm a year OLDer. Who needs that? This year I ordered a cake and we both enjoyed it.
Same with anniversary. We used to go out to a nice restaurant for dinner but not the last few years, especially during and since COVID.
Just enjoy a nice meal together(order it to be delivered)and of course have a birthday cake or at least a couple cupcakes, and don't worry about a card. I hope you have a Happy Birthday!!!
When my late husband(who had vascular dementia)was still mobile, he would want me to take him to Walmart so he could pick out cards for me for my birthday(I would remind him ahead of time as I actually like my birthday) Valentine's and the like. And the last birthday that he was able to go, he picked out a beautiful card that he was excited to give me, and because it was for my birthday I didn't look at it until my birthday even though I was the one to pay for it. And when I opened it on my birthday, the heading across the top of the card said Happy Birthday To My Very Special Mother. Of course I never told him exactly what it said and I just thanked him for such a beautiful card.
I love this answer. We don’t go out to much more than trips to the doctor, so like you mention, it is fun to get takeout. And my last card picked out at a store turned out to be a Valentines Day card I got on Christmas. It was sweet, and I didn’t go there either.
Happy birthday! I hope you’ll find the time to do something nice for yourself, even if it’s something small, just something that gives you joy. No worries about trying to make hubby remember, it’s time to move on from that. Again, happy birthday!
I doubt that telling him will really make you feel better. You should not have to ask your son to buy a card for his dad to give to you, he should get one for dad while he is getting one for himself to give to you. (Hopefully your son remembers it is your birthday) (light hearted here,,,save yourself some money, go read a card to yourself then put it back on the rack) Make a cake, or buy one. Have it decorated. Have cake for dessert. What I found caring for my Husband with dementia is that A DAY IS A DAY. There are no holidays when you are a primary caregiver. There are no birthdays for you or your LO because those are just another day. You get up in the morning EVERYDAY and do the same thing, you do the same thing morning, noon and night. (and if you can buy a card for your husband to give to you...you are better off than I was. Since I was my Husbands Guardian I could make NO purchases "from him" to gift to me for Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversary etc. as the court needed an accounting and receipts for each purchase.)
For my MIL with memory impairment, when we are getting together as a family with her (like for a holiday or birthday) then I purchase a card and gift on her behalf and let her know a little in advance that I've done that for her. She can't even sign an "X" anymore, so cannot put her name on anything...but she is happy I do this for her.
It would have been a good idea for your son to take your husband out the day of your birthday to help him pick out a gift. But sometimes I think it doesn't help them at all if they don't remember.
Dementia is hard enough for a person so saying it is your birthday may just upset him. How many of us here had spouses or boyfriends who totally forgot it was your birthday/anniversary/first day you met/kissed, and they didn't have dementia?
Let him think he bought you the flowers ( maybe say they were delivered 🤷♀️🤷♀️) . If he mentions he didn’t get a card , tell him you both agreed no cards , too expensive.
BTW in my grocery store there were loads of Valentines Day cards leftover . But the flower section was empty the day after . I think alot of people are bypassing cards due to the prices .
Set a nice table with the flowers , cake , some nice music and enjoy it together . Happy Birthday ! 🎂💐
You can buy yourself flowers. You can share your birthday cake (get it yourself) with your husband.
It is too confusing for anyone to be manipulated, whether they have dementia or not. And bringing your son into this to honor yourself on your birthday is way too much drama.
Happy Birthday Cheeky!
Song by Miley Cyrus, excerpt I can buy myself flowers (oh) Write my name in the sand (mm) Talk to myself for hours (yeah) Say things you don't understand (you never will) I can take myself dancing, yeah I can hold my own hand Yeah, I can love me better than you can
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I wouldn't remind him. Remember that he would congratulate you if he did remember and that it's not because he doesn't love you. I no longer remind my mother that it's my birthday and that's okay.
If later he said to me "OMG I FORGOT your BD!!!!" I would just laugh and say "Thank goodness! Means I am still only 81, and don't have to think about 82 until next year".
Same with anniversary. We used to go out to a nice restaurant for dinner but not the last few years, especially during and since COVID.
I hope you have a Happy Birthday!!!
When my late husband(who had vascular dementia)was still mobile, he would want me to take him to Walmart so he could pick out cards for me for my birthday(I would remind him ahead of time as I actually like my birthday) Valentine's and the like. And the last birthday that he was able to go, he picked out a beautiful card that he was excited to give me, and because it was for my birthday I didn't look at it until my birthday even though I was the one to pay for it.
And when I opened it on my birthday, the heading across the top of the card said Happy Birthday To My Very Special Mother. Of course I never told him exactly what it said and I just thanked him for such a beautiful card.
You should not have to ask your son to buy a card for his dad to give to you, he should get one for dad while he is getting one for himself to give to you.
(Hopefully your son remembers it is your birthday)
(light hearted here,,,save yourself some money, go read a card to yourself then put it back on the rack)
Make a cake, or buy one. Have it decorated. Have cake for dessert.
What I found caring for my Husband with dementia is that A DAY IS A DAY.
There are no holidays when you are a primary caregiver. There are no birthdays for you or your LO because those are just another day. You get up in the morning EVERYDAY and do the same thing, you do the same thing morning, noon and night.
(and if you can buy a card for your husband to give to you...you are better off than I was. Since I was my Husbands Guardian I could make NO purchases "from him" to gift to me for Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversary etc. as the court needed an accounting and receipts for each purchase.)
For heavens sakes, let it go.
It would have been a good idea for your son to take your husband out the day of your birthday to help him pick out a gift. But sometimes I think it doesn't help them at all if they don't remember.
You think ahead as do I.
The majority of men I know do not think that far ahead even if they remember a birthday .
If he mentions he didn’t get a card , tell him you both agreed no cards , too expensive.
BTW in my grocery store there were loads of Valentines Day cards leftover . But the flower section was empty the day after . I think alot of people are bypassing cards due to the prices .
Set a nice table with the flowers , cake , some nice music and enjoy it together .
Happy Birthday ! 🎂💐
You can share your birthday cake (get it yourself) with your husband.
It is too confusing for anyone to be manipulated, whether they have dementia or not. And bringing your son into this to honor yourself on your birthday is way too much drama.
Happy Birthday Cheeky!
Song by Miley Cyrus, excerpt
I can buy myself flowers (oh)
Write my name in the sand (mm)
Talk to myself for hours (yeah)
Say things you don't understand (you never will)
I can take myself dancing, yeah
I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can