Feeling guilty if I wait till mom passes to go and arrange funeral, which I have to do.
My 97 year old, demented mother recently fell and had hip surgery one week ago. I live 3,000 miles away and visit every 6 months and have tickets bought tickets to see her at end of month for her 97 birthday. She is declining and trying to keep in touch with hospice about her condition. She is very agitated and had them give her some Ativan. She is not drinking or eating.
I don’t know if I should go now or wait till she passes. I don’t have the money to go back and forth. I talked to the funeral director about her wishes as she had this already planned. I will have to get a sitter, ticket, hotel and rent a car. I am not young and have a large cyst behind my knee due to car accident and now a brain tumor which gives me terrible headaches. I have a brother close by my mother which I do not talk to ad he took advantage of my mother accounts. He is worthless. I love my mother and have called her every day in the NH for past year and listen to her repetitive stories. I will miss her dearly and hard to let go. She no longer is able to answer the phone. I want her to be at peace as it has been a long road.
So what do I do? It may be a few days to another 10 days before she passes. Or maybe she will rally, but most likely not.
Appreciate any feedback. I am her beneficiary for the funeral and need to make sure it is done right. Hard decisions when your loved one faces death and you so far away.
I just hope I can get there in time to say goodbye. It’s really hard being so far away. As for the funeral have to what happens. Can only stay for a few days as my daughter has to get back to work and had to hire a dog sitter. I am asking the best decisions with your help and thank you for that.
I and my daughter drove and flew 10 hours to get to get to my mother before she passed. When we arrived she looked twisted and arms flailing. Had the nurse give her something. So sad to see her like that She was dying and was alone. No brother or sister in law to comfort her. No hospice people till hours later.
my son drove in from Beloit to say his good byes. We stayed with her till her passing which was 4 1/2 hrs later. My daughter was holding her hand and reading Her favorite verses. We saw her take her last breath with with complete piece. My brother and sister in law arrived later and my sister in law came thru the door like freight train. Just wanted to start arguing in front of mom. I told her to stop. No heart. My daughter took her out of the room.
They were unable to bury my mom right away because of the weather and we needed to get back. She will be laid to rest in 2 degree weather. A Chaplin from hospice will say a few words.
I will never regret not being there for my mothers last breath and want to thank everyone for helping me make the right decision.
It is very hard to see our family members during these final hours. You followed your heart and made the best decision for you.
I’m very happy that you were able to be there with your mom. Your children sound very compassionate. I know that you are proud of them.
Wishing you peace as you grieve for the loss of your mother.
You won't be interested in visiting during a funeral because Mom is gone, and you aren't fond of remaining family that I can see.
What a long life your Mom has had. I am so glad hospice is present for her.
I personally would rather visit and say my good byes ( even if it’s just in my head ) when LO is alive , I also loathe funerals though, but that’s just me .
I think you have to decide yourself. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here . It doesn’t matter what others think. We all grieve in our own ways.
I consider a visit to say good bye an alternative to funerals. I don’t believe one is any more appropriate than the other .
You do what you think is most helpful for the grieving process that you have already begun . I’m sorry that you are losing your mother. I’m sorry you have this hard decision to make . Planning a funeral from a distance is possible .
(( Hugs))
Why not visit her now and say your goodbye.
My mother will be 99 next month, no funeral for her, she will be cremated as she says "All my old friends are gone, what is the point"?
You should be able to reach out to hospice to help you with this decision but please do go. Please take care of yourself, I am sorry you are in this situation.
I am leaving Thurs to go see her in cold wisc. I pray she is still alive when I get there.
just a fyi
this man writes church books and tried to sell on Amazon. His name is Howard Brumback.
I am so sorry for all that you are going through.
I am looking to get tickets now. She does have her funeral paid for and I am responsible to follow it thru. Not sure how it will end up if not there.