Should I write a letter asking for the kids to take turns to come sit with Dad and mail it to each of them so I can get a break?

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Should I write a letter asking for the kids to take turns to come sit with Dad and mail it to each of them so I can get a break?

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I am not a fan of open letters. It may relieve some of your frustration but I doubt it will accomplish anything. In my family some help and some don't. Some can and some can't. My mother is in a ALF near me. I now take care of all her affairs. But that was not always the case. For years I had my own life and priorities. However, there was never a time when I was asked directly that I refused to assist even though I lived 500 miles away at the time. Please understand that some people just cannot do hands on face to face care. But maybe they can help in other ways. They could help with the finances, or with other chores, or with their disabled sibling, or by funding respite care, or by funding in home care. I would gladly have helped with any of the above. But to take over full 24 hours nursing type care, even for a loved one, just freaks out some people. Ask individually. Your script would go something like this: ' Honey I don't know how to say this well but I need help. Here is the situation....'. Be prepared to offer suggestions for ways they could ease your burden. You may get help from some and not others. But, I think it is better than a form letter. It is possible your family members may want to help but they just don't know how, when, or where. At least you will then know where everyone stands and so will your husband.

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I agree with sending the same email to everyone (including older grandkids), just suggesting visiting (and how much he looks forward to seeing his family in person) -- but then have no expectations or pass judgments on who participates. Send out his phone number, his mailing address. Make suggestions on things he likes so they can opt to send packages, etc. This way no one has an excuse why they can't contact him. Then occasionally take video of him saying hi and speaking a message to his family and send it out to everyone. Part of the problem with being elderly is being out of sight and therefore out of mind. Make sure what is said in the videos are not guilt-inducing. Take pictures ("a day in the life of Dad") and send it out. It's up to the receivers to read/watch/look at the pictures and decide to respond in some way. Provide ideas, like: he loves playing cribbage and challenge anyone to a match and the prize is an ice cream sundae...etc. Give people ideas so that visiting doesn't feel "daunting" or awkward. That's as much as you can do. And then just take care of yourself so you don't burn out. I wish you success in getting family support.

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I think it would be OK for you to try this letter thing once...paid trained caregiver costs and takes time to arrange, but safer if needed.

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I asked for help for years without getting much.

In retrospect, I think I might have had more success with a family meeting in which I laid out the problem as "our problem" and then stood back waiting for solutions to be offered. That puts the same pressure on everyone at the same time to respond/contribute. This would be an approach for getting regular help.

The other thing I did wrong was to leave the details/timeline up to them. I might have gotten more respite if I said, "I want to go to this thing; can you come take over for me for this amount of time?" This would be an approach for getting one-time help. Different approaches for different needs.

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Same here. I didn’t receive much help when I needed a break.

I wonder if a meeting would help. I think it does appear more organized but if someone doesn’t want to help, they won’t.

The thing that got to me is they didn’t have a clue as to what I was going through. Plus they looked at me as a complainer.

It’s tough all around for caregivers.

Now my brother knows how I feel because mom is with him after being in my home for 15 years.

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I hear you loud and clear and my sympathies are with you. I have seen first hand situations like this and I hate to tell you but I doubt that anything you do or say is going to get them to help you. There will be some excuse because they used YOU for so long. I don't think you will get the help. If you want to speak to them or write a letter, go ahead but don't expect it to happen. Perhaps this is your wakeup call. Your life is being impacted in a very negative way with no help and that is just wrong. It is perhaps time to get a caretaker or place the parent. You have a right to your life and you better take it while you still can. Do not let them get away with this and be prepared to take more drastic action. You must have peace and a break.

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Where do you get that OP is being "used"? She married this man, so it is up to her to provide care for him or arrange care for him. It is NOT up to her/our children to provide care. If they wanted to, they would offer and would likely visit more often if they had a GOOD relationship with their father. Just because they are not, it doesn't in ANY way mean they are "using" her.

Wakeup call? Yup. If you marry someone, typically you rely on each other. If it is someone who is 37 years older than you, sooner rather than later the are likely to be medical issues. That's a given. She didn't enter this marriage blind.

If her life is being "impacted", it is up to her to find ways to alleviate the impacts. Hire people. Find a day-care or a facility. What if there were no children to rely on? Should she send letters to other peoples' children?

They aren't "getting away" with anything. She has a "right" to a life, for sure, but he is her responsibility. If she wants respite or help, she needs to hire someone or get respite (1 week so I've read) via Medicare. Perhaps call in hospice, if he is that bad, or find a MC place, where she can visit how often she wants, stay as long as she wants, but have "respite" at home, not having to provide all the hands on care.

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As others have stated, they have no intentions to help you out. Please hire additional help, if you can find the right people, the company will lift yours and his spirits. With everything, there will be issues- (going it alone- issues, hiring help- issues, begging family to help- issues, placement in a facility- issues.) It is an impossible situation. Prayers to you. I utilized all of the above- my disappointment in my siblings was painful at best. Selfish people are always too busy for others. I always said if they didn’t care to help my parents, they certainly won’t help me. Sad but very common in families.

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I understand where you are coming from I also have step-children who live in the area in the Twin Cities who could also come and visit their father. If you cannot get them to come and visit their dad who is really getting older than you need to find a way to get help to come in and give you a chance to leave for a day or two. I have the same problem my husband is 76 and I am 63 and I have four step-children who do not call or visit their father. They say that I am taking such good care of their Dad that they do not have to worry about his care. Give me break!! What about my time I had to quit working and retire at 62 to care for my husband of 32 years. I am not complaining I love him very much but we all need a dam break. Do what is best for you and find someone to come and help you or you will get burned out. I hope this has helped you a little bit.

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It unfortunately is not clear how much care is involved here, or if it is mostly just being available type of thing. Is he ambulatory , doing own ADLs, etc but needs someone to ensure his meals are served and the home locked for the night etc, or is he nearly bedridden and incontinent ? Two vastly different things. I am assuming his disabled child is an adult and hopefully has some kind of out of the home activity as well as being independent in ADLs but needing some supervisor with meals and safety wise. Is this daughter’s other parent involved at all? What are future plans for her , assuming that it is not for you to provide care for the rest of your life. How capable is she , can she assist at all with her father? There is again vast differences in this area of how much a developly disabled person can do . It seems like he had at least a financial part in raising his children and if he also paid for all their college education they do kinda owe him something as this is a huge expense. At the least I’d think the one whose loans are still being paid should respond and have a part in his life. I also assume he has had at least a couple other relationships since there are so many kids. Perhaps he was the type who just moved on , physically and emotionally ..that too would influence what those children would feel they should help with. He sounds like he was a man who was in vigorous good health and then went downhill fast. My parent was like that ..80 was the new 55...but a series of health crises and 81 started a downward spiral and at 82 was suddenly an old person.
I think it seems like he is still alert to situation so might have issues if suddenly you are gone and someone else is there , even his child. I’d ask them to start visiting ..maybe have a get together for everyone and then start inviting them over in small groups or together regularly. Maybe a birthday party for the sibling ? If that goes well, then ask for help..first just like , for a couple hours so you can go out to lunch with friends or even for a doctor appt. This will be easier the more independent he is. And also hopefully the child who lives with you can help. Next expand that time. It won’t be a quick process but hopefully this will work,
If not , or if you need respite sooner...look for the things others have said here. If money isn’t an issue there are many agencies or care givers even from online sites. If it is , then look at what can be covered through hospice if available to you or insurance or veterans or other local and state programs. Also, pre covid anyway there are adult daycare types of things ..some very reasonably priced .
Good luck!

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If you rarely see his children now, I don’t think an open letter would be well received. You don’t say too much about your or your husband’s past relationship with them.

if you have a decent relationship with one of his children, maybe a personal phone call to that child asking if they or their siblings would be receptive to staying with their father on occasion while you visit your family. Give specific dates. I wouldn’t expect them to all of a sudden to take on their fathers care on a regular basis if they haven’t offered for all these years.

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Imho, your statement of "his kids are from 35-62 and it's rare we see them; they live locally and Covid isn't the reason they don't show up" pretty much sums it uo; obviously they must know that you could use a break, but they fail to provide one. You could telephone them and ask them if they could sit with him, but quite honestly you shouldn't have to do that. Prayers sent.

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To judge the relationship between children and their fathers is wasted energy . We were not there at the time they were growing up and even if we were, every child in every family processes what they lived thru totally different and their siblings. There was only 4 years between my self and my older sister. We had totally different memories for our family of origin and our upbringing. I am sure it was the same for my brothers. The off-spring of this man may never had a decent relationship with there father or worse, a miserable relationship with him . My husband has 2 children. He has been estranged from one for 35 years and the other is busy raising his children hoping he will be a better father than what he thinks he had. There is no way I would call them to help with the care of there father. My own children are more concerned about both of us, keep in contact and help out when they can. They are about 1500 miles away but have flown in when he needed someone here while I had surgery . They care about him because they care about me. It will be my responsibility to keep him safe and myself sane. I attend an on line caretakers group and am able (at this time) to maintain contact with friends. We have PT coming in twice a week and home healthcare for 3 hours once a week . I take it all one day at a time. I do text FIY messages to the son when there is a fall or hospital stay, just to keep him informed. As things get worse I will have to make difficult decisions. I am hoping I have all the paperwork in place . I do have a durable POA and health care proxy in my name. Good luck, find a group , they will help you find the resources that you will need.

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Regrettably, I think it is easy for adult children with busy lives to sort of "forget" about a parent to whom they don't feel especially close... especially if they assume that all his needs are being met!(I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and maybe they don't deserve it) Five years goes by quickly for very active people.
I don't know how much you are in contact with them. If they have not been required to help before, they may just assume that they aren't needed now. They may be just self-centered more than truly "selfish".
(I may have this entirely wrong, of course, not knowing your situation) But perhaps it wouldn't hurt to write to them with an "update" on dad's condition. Tell them that if they could come and spend as much as 24hrs. with him, it would help you (that you need a break to see your family members as well) and perhaps give him a boost as well. You would be the best judge of what to say and how. And you might have to hire some temporary nursing care as well to make this possible. But you will not know unless you give it a try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

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I would just hire someone to come in and stay with hubby and the other disabled child for a couple days so you can get away. If you want to try a letter, I would just let them know how he is doing, and how you have had to hire someone with the finances he has to help take care of him while you need to visit your family. I am sure if they really want to visit they will find a way. If they don't care, I wouldn't send any more letters. Contact a office of aging for respite relief while you visit your family and go do it. IF you get sick.........who is going to take care of him AND the disabled child. Its a lot for one person to handle. wishing you luck. I am guessing you have POA of his matters at hand, if not and he is still able to understand things........get to an Elder attorney immediately and get things set up.

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YES. I suggest against telling them how you plan to use the time. Just make the request that you need some help.

you could consider calling them and asking for help. Or before you send the letter one of your children could call the steps and get a temputure read of their willingness to support.

I know from dealing with my own brother and sisters about helping our Step Mother with our Father and also with my wifes Mother and her husband getting his adult children to help towards the end. Adult children can be very short sighted, selfish and down right mean.

Unfortunatly your husband is NOT going to get better. This problem will only get worse. The sooner you get this extra help committed the better off you will be.

If his children do not want to help then you should probably look into a facility to put him in at some time. You can only do so much

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Thank you all for your kindness in responding to my post. It has been most appreciated.

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It is good to hear from you. Have you come to any conclusions about how you may move forward?

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Thank you everyone for your responses. I just wanted to give a quick update. My husband had a recent 6 day hospitalization at which time I called each of the kids to let them know. During the hospitalization I took the opportunity to send a group text to all the kids to tell them that Dad needed help to get up moving more and that I just couldn’t get it all done in my own. All but one of the kids responded that they would help. I’m asking one of the kids to contact the others and make a schedule (this particular child’s idea). One child showed up for a visit this week after he got out of the hospital. I was so thankful for my husbands sake and I had the opportunity to take a long shower while someone else sat with DH 🙂

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Thanks for update!

Wonderful!!!

I am so glad that you got to take a long shower. You deserve it!

I hope they continue to support their father and you get some relief.

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Should I write a letter asking for the kids to take turns to come sit with Dad and mail it to each of them so I can get a break?

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