Hello !
Maybe as you know it my daddy is at the hospital because he has pneumonia.
Since he has been there (3-4 days) his condition has evolved in a good way. He regained some weight and even if Dad stays on a drip and with a breathing mask he should be able to take them off in two short weeks, which is still pretty positive.
Now it is true that he is still very weak, his face is very tired, he has a really pale complexion. And he gets tired very quickly, he told me several times of his desire to see the children, who I recall are 2 and 4 years old. Also the older one has asked to see him too and the small one often ask where his grandfather is and say he misses him.
It seems obvious to me that all three have a great desire to see each other. The hospital allows visits from the children as long as they are calm (which they are), but what I fear is their reaction to the sight of my daddy's physical condition and especially with all the machines. Even when explaining to them, I don't really know what I could say to them to prepare for this terrible shock which would hurt all three of them, especially my dad. I need your opinion.
Do you already think that it is wise to bring the children to him, who so want to see him and who would bring him so much joy and innocence ? And then how to explain to the children his condition who might be a little shocked ?
I am sure the “reality” of the hospital was less frightening than the imagination of this 10 year olds mind.
The younger girl (age about 17 at the time) was better, but still preferred to send him cards or talk to him on the phone. A hospital visit would have sent these two over the edge.
I have 14 grands. When I lost all my hair, due to chemo and couldn't stand to wear that itchy wig, I simply wore a hat and scarf and kept their visits very short. Some handled it very well, others would cry the entire time. Age seemed to have nothing to do with their ability to look at me. My own HUSBAND couldn't bear to look at my bald head. I had to cover it up around HIM.
Seeing someone you love, sick and miserable, and not falling apart yourself, is a skill that some people never master.
A 2 and 4 yo? Well, they won't be allowed in the hospital, so that's a no brainer. The older kids? Well, they can probably go in, but most hospitals limit the # of visitors to 2 at any time.
Sadly, as much as this IS about dad, it's also about the children and their respective abilities to handle seeing someone they love sick and in a hospital.
Whatever you do, do not force the kids to see gpa. Let them call, send cards, do a ZOOM visit--but absolutely NO guilting them into going in person.
I am deeply sorry you have to endure cancer and for your dad… hope you are going better now.
Actually hospital allowed calm children even if they are under 6. And of course I will never force them. They asked it even after I warned them about my dad’s condition so I think they really want too. But yes calling him or sending card is a good alternative if it’s too hard. I have taken some pictures of him and I will show them to them so they can realize if they are ready or not to visit him (at least the oldest).
Can you Facetime or Zoom?
Just as an example, when my son (now 36) was 7, he needed a CAT scan. We explained up and down and six ways to Tuesday what it was about. He had had xrays, so we thought he understood. He was 7, and very bright. And as we crossed the threshold to the imaging facility, he grasped my hand and looked up at me and asked, "mom, when do the cats cone out?".
Your children will NOT understand what they are seeing and will be frightened.
When I was that age or younger, there was a problem with the car, and my father told me we needed to go see Mr. Wolf to get it fixed. I was afraid to go, so my father explained "No, I didn't mean that he IS a wolf--it's just that his NAME is Wolf!" That assured me that I wasn't going to be gobbled up--like the first two little pigs!
He can't breathe well now so they have a mask on him to make sure he gets enough oxygen.
He can't drink a lot now or eat a lot now so they are making sure he has enough energy by putting it in a vein in his arm, they can give him medicine that way also.
He is real tired so we will go visit just for a little while.
If you are frightened at all let me know and we can go down the hall to a quiet area. Hospitals have lots of strange noises, and some people make noises.
If you can take a picture of Grandpa so they know what he looks like with all the "stuff" attached to him. Depending on how much they grasp it may not even look like Grandpa.
The important thing is let them be the guide as to how much they want, how long they want to stay. You might even want to bring coloring book, colored pencils or crayons, let them bring their tablets/pads if they have one and if all they want to do is sit and play a game let them. Trust me they are watching and listening.
Perhaps next time you go for a visit, take a picture of your dad in his bed with whatever he has on him, and then you can show it to your children ahead of time to gage their reaction. That should give you an idea on whether to proceed with the kids visit or not, and will prepare them for what grandpa looks like now.
I think it will do them all good(especially your dad in his healing process)to be able to see each other. And you may have to show them the picture(s) more than once so they are not shocked. Best wishes.
The 2 year old might not understand that, so that would be a concern. If you do bring them, make it a short visit.
OTOH, since he is improving, it might be more helpful in the long run to wait until that improvement has taken place.
Sorry if I misunderstood what you said but you used the pronouns « they » for the older children and there is only one because they are two.
Thanks for your answer 😊
Mary 🪴