Mother has advanced dementia and i am in hell...have put my marriage on back burner since father died oct 8 2025 and am losing my mind. I have only seen my husband two times since my father's death. I do not have the personality patience health or nurturing disposition for this responsibility. Shes incontinent, 3/4 of the time speaks incoherently, refuses shower/bathing, fights diaper changes, and is a wanderer...up all night multiple times(i counted 17 times one night between 12am and 7am) I dont get sleep despite an overnight caretaker cuz my mond wont shut off due to the stress.. Every aspect of my life has become about her...
My brother who lives on the same property as both parent used to be their caretaker but things were different when my dad was here ..there was no overnight care involved and they had caretakers that came 5 to 7 hours every day. My dad was also at dialysis 3x a week for 4 hours a day.. and while he was there, my brother let my mom wander around on the property and he did yard work. Since my dads death she has declined further yet my brother wont agree to put her in a facility despite having the liquid resources to do so...says im selfish cuz "i just want to return to my life with my husband", claimed my husband is behind my thinking which couldnt be farther from the truth, also said I have an evil spirit living inside of me and accused me of an abortion 25 years ago which the reality was, I left town for 5 months, had the kid and put him up for adoption cuz I knew since I was 15 that I cannot do a caretaker job including raising kids...
Yesterday things came to a head when he, who has never communicated well, when I brought up the fact that I cannot do this level of care taking anymore he lashed out, kicked and broke a potted flower, yelled inflammatory insults at me, accused me of an abortion, said i have an evil spirit in me and since hes lived 41 years without getting married that i should too...i admit that between lack of sleep, chronic stress, perimenopause that is extreme and not responding to HRT or a good diet, and trying to manage so many things it would make most peoples head spin if they knew, i snapped..i pushed him and then threw him to the ground (he didnt fight back). I just couldn't handle the inflammatory remarks. He doesn't understand that I don't just come in the house and sit with her which is extremely difficult for a person as active as me to do as I am not 80 years old. I am also the one responsible for all the laundry, keeping this house clean thats out in the country w people constantly tracking dirt in and the dog rolls in the dirt and brings it inside and shakes off and I'm just constantly fighting a fight where I'm constantly cleaning and doing the job of three different people. Cleanliness isn't an important thing to him but when we have paid caretakers coming in here and staying overnight with her, the house needs to be presentable. But he was trained by the way my father lived in this house with filthy disgusting habits until I got in here and cleaned it up. Ugh!
Anyway, I'm extremely regretful that things got physical yesterday and I'm just glad that he's a decent human being and didn't fight back because I could have really been hurt. But I snapped and everybody has that line that when it's crossed, bad stuff happens. Some people may not be aware of where their line is at because they've never been pushed that far but everybody has it. And for me walking away from the situation is not an option because SOMEONE has to keep eyes on her constantly.
If this isnt evidence for how overwhelmed and ill fit i am for this position, nothing does. the thing is, my mom is not financially in bad shape. She is she is well off enough to afford facility care but not well off enough to afford the same level and amount of care in the home, so somethings gotta give and it SHOULDNT be me..
Im finally POA & executor of the estate-is it ok if i override him and place her anyway?
You are the only one who can get yourself out of this situation.
Let them fail. Take the dog with you.
If she doesn't get out of this situation, she will have a (further) mental breakdown. Let go and let the universe guide you - and the situation.
This writer may need to ask herself why she stays in this toxic situation - what is running her to continue to do as she has? This will be a huge part of how she proceeds. She needs to learn to put herself first.
Gena / Touch matters
You should definitely place mother in Memory Care Assisted Living right away, where she'll be safe, fed, clean and cared for. My mother lived in Memory Care for about 3 years, until she was 95, where I placed her as POA. It was my job to make sure she was safe.
Best of luck to you.
Meanwhile you can get back to your husband and marriage, focus on your health, and have pleasant visits with your mother as her daughter rather than a stressed and overwhelmed caregiver, without your cruel brother present.
Don't think about it even a minute more. Get online and look up places, then start calling to find out which ones have openings. It's for your mother's well-being as well as yours.
Keep us posted on how it's going.
My advice is to stop fighting with your brother, and literally do not tell him you are in the process of finding placement for her. He gets 0 information until after she is moved. You may need to consider he is someone who may need to be banned from visiting her until he can demonstrate control over his mouth and actions. If he continues to be a force for chaos then he loses privileges.
I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. Find a place for her. Then plan what day you will move her. Plan to have someone take your brother someplace away from the property for the entire day. Then move her.
If he hurls any more abuse at you, let him watch you call 911 and report him. Video him as he's doing it. That will shut him up. Never let him get away with how he's treating you, no matter what excuse you wish to give him. This is called a boundary.
If he wants to continue to live on the property, he needs to become a useful and respectful human being or else he can find government housing or a group home.
You and your husband are the priority. I wish you all the best as you work through this difficult time -- and peace in your heart that you are doing the right thing for all the right reasons.
I know you love your mother but this is the living arrangement your mother has chosen. Just let it be.
Go home and repair your marriage.
This is what happened in my family. They chose the person who could make the right decisions and protect them when it mattered!! My sibs don’t agree with decisions I (as POA) made, but I know my dad would and mom would too if her mind worked right. She is happy, healthy, and well cared for. They wanted to preserve her money I wanted her to be safe.
It is not your duty to do the hands on care. Great if you can but not everyone can do that 24/7/365 for years.
You make the decision to place mom in a facility that can safely manage her care.
If she has the funds to do so great.
Chances are you may have to sell property to pay for her care. (that is probably what your sibling is upset about)
Your other option would be to use mom's assets to pay for a fulltime caregiver. this way you are no longer doing all the care and mom can remain at home. but do this only if her home is safe for her to stay in while she is being cared for.
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