My only sibling refuses to help 90+ yo parents. What to do?

Who has power of attorney and health care advocate? Make sure you are. Expect nothing from your sibling. Your parents should be in assisted living. If they don't want to go, they have to live with that decision. You will not get a medal for making yourself into a martyr. Sorry

My only sibling and her favorite might I add, refuses to even call his 81 yr old mom that is living in my home. She can’t live alone any longer, his response to me was dont give in to the pressure put her in an assisted living facility. Oh well thanksgiving and Christmas are coming so may be he will call then.

When I took my mom to see a doctor because I knew something was not right (she was getting lost when driving, losing her checkbook weekly, telling me someone was peeking in her windows at night, showing up at my house as I was leaving for work thinking it was a weekend, etc..)  She was diagnosed with dementia and failed a simulated driving test.  At that time she lived alone in her house so that meant someone had to help her with her home, bills, doctors, medication, shopping, grass cutting, etc....  I was running myself ragged.  Taking off from my job to take her to doctors appointments, I would head over there after working all day to help with pills and dinner and whatever and then on weekends I was cutting her grass and taking her to the store and I needed help.  I have a brother who is 3 yrs younger than me, he is a nurse and works out of his home so he has lots of free time.  He was doing nothing.  I asked if we could create a schedule so one week he would handle things and the next week I would handle things... He went off on me ...started yelling that he didn't have to do anything and then started belittling me and name calling etc.  I hung up the phone and we did not speak for three years....  By myself I had to get moms house ready to sell and put it on the market.  I had to sell her car.  Visit assisted living facilities and move her into one. Not enough time to tell you all that entailed! No easy feat!  I was so angry at him because he is a very selfish person and my mom has helped him the most.  She let him live with her after his divorce and he paid her nothing.  She babysit his daughter so he could go out and party.  She bought him furniture when he finally did move out.  And now he felt no obligation to help her.  And here is the funny part of this story. During our 3 yrs of not speaking, he started a business that helped seniors that needed companionship, or a ride to the store or chores around the house.  He didn't do it himself of course, he employed people that would go to the seniors house.  So apparently as long as he is paid for his services, he doesn't mind being in that line of work. So yes, he wouldn't help his own mother, but he is in the business of helping elders. You can't make this ****up.  The bottom line is that you can't make your brother do the honorable thing.  He has to look himself in the mirror and he has to answer to God.  In your head you have to remove him from the equation.  He is not going to help his parents, which means it all falls on you.

You need to get medical and financial POA so that you can manage their care.  It is too much for one person, so assisted living might be the answer.  That will take a lot off of your plate. Most are very nice and they offer a lot, but they are expensive.  Sounds like they need round the clock care  It takes a while to get everything set up and to a manageable point, but you can do it.  Start doing your homework...the sooner you do this the sooner your parents will get the care and companionship they need at this stage in their lives and the sooner you get your life back.

Do your parents have the resources for assisted living? Focus on that. Seems like you’re devoting your whole life to their care, and if that’s the amount of care they need, it’s time for AL.

Forget your brother. You can’t make him do what he doesn’t want to do (and vice versa). His relationship with your parents will only ever be a source of pain and resentment for you and that’s not healthy.

Step 1: Realize he's not going to change, and stop expending your mind energy and time to expect otherwise.
Step 2: Read step 1 again.
Step 3: Realize you don't have to be the ONLY one. Get local agencies involved for suggestions and stop being as available IF you don't want to be.
Step 4: Get some legal input and become the POA so that the gifts diminish to brother or you are aware. Have the lawyer explain caregiver agreement. Parents will have to agree; if they don't, you can pull back also. Seems many of the greatest generation have an expectation of our being there to help..and we want to...but we have our own issues, work as well. We are exhausted too!
Any chance granddaughter could help? There is more invested in teaching than one realizes, not to defend your brother...but to be fair, he has his own limitations/boundaries and you can have yours as well.

I have 2 sisters. 1 sister has no finances to help my mom, but calls mom several times a week. The other sister has ample finances, but travels for work and we rarely hear from her. I wish both could be of more help. Sadly, they won't or can't. I accept this fact and make the best of the circumstances.

Seems like you're a little burnt out. Get help from others. Stop badgering your brother. He will only do as he pleases, as we all do.

Unfortunately, I think almost every family has one person like you who does it all and another like your brother who does nothing. You are not going to make him change and suddenly become a good son. Usually the parents either make excuses or accept his excuses for why he can't help. I think it is their way of "saving face" when they realize their child isn't willing to help them.

You might want to look into adult day care services or other services that will allow you a respite from caring for them. You say your mom still cooks so it appears they are in their own home. If there are finances for this, try to get a house cleaning service to come in. Or request they take medical transport to their Dr. appointments and you meet them there. It sounds as if they are still somewhat independent so perhaps you can cut back on your own visits and make phone calls instead of visits. You have to make it easier on yourself since your brother will not.

I have a brother who won’t help in any way. The best gift I ever gave myself where this is concerned was acceptance. Your brother, like mine, has shown you what he’s not willing to do, there’s no good to come from keeping after it. Accept that he’s useless for help and move on to other alternatives

Many people, even family members, cannot or will not ever be able to offer hands-on help in a care giving sitution. Accept that your brother is someone who just cannot do it. Don't keep aggravating yourself by trying to persuade him to help. Make whatever arrangements you can to share the caregiving with hired help to give yourself a break. If your brother is willing to contribute any money toward your mother's care, be grateful for that. Don't keep disappointing yourself by asking your brother to do things he is temperamentally unable to do.

Sounds just like my sibling........wouldn’t help, said he worked & it was a part time job. Would visit for an hour or so every other week. But when mom could no longer manage her finances he stepped right in & pushed me out of the picture. Parents make excuses for them because you’re doing it all.
Make sure you have POA for finances & healthcare in place & get visiting nurse or some help so you can take a much deserved break.
I no longer have nor wish to have any future contact with my sibling. He has forever ruined our relationship.

You can lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink.

You're not going to change your brother - stop making yourself sick over it.

My father would complain about my 2 sisters not doing their share but I just told him that they worked while I was home. It didn't bother me since I had the time. Only when I had to decide husband or father, then I called them and someone had to take Pop to wherever he needed to go. Thankfully, in 7-1/2 years, that only happened twice.

Who are these sadists who say caregiving of one's parents is a "choice"? Come on, who are you really? Be nice for once and admit neglecting to care for them is pathological.

I can't relate since I am an only child. However, having dealt with other family members who lived 5 miles away from my mother while I lived 215 miles away from my mother, and they WEREN'T working, and I was, I finally got her over in my
area after numerous comments (YOU need to do something about your mother!), so I did when I finally gave up my full time job to go part-time, got DHS involved, attended doctor's appointments and follow-up appointments with her, got animal control involved due to the large number of dumped animals she was feeding, and had enough documentation to prove that she needed help, and that I was the only one willing to step in and give it to her. It cost me my job, eventually, and I have had her for 3 1/2 years on my own ( with the help of facilities), but no more of "YOU need to do something about your mom" because I did. If I had had a sibling, that sibling WOULD have been involved or paid a high price for non-involvement in my mom's care because I would have made that sibling's life miserable until they became involved just to shut me up and get me off of their back. And believe me, it WOULD have carried it out!

Sounds like the behavior of your Brother is ongoing and wont change. Don't expect it too. You can only do what you can do and there is no reason to let him continue to disappoint you. Seek outside help, if necessary such as a private aid or hiring help from an agency. Go forward as though he is not in the picture and things will become more clear on what to do and how to do it. Stop letting him distract you.

I agree with the many other comments here in that your brother is never going to help. Stop struggling with him and use your energy to move on without him. Your situation did remind me, though, of my own offers to help care for my 88 year-old mother who lives with my brother and his wife. I have offered specific help and general help, and it is all rejected. My brother complains about how he has to do it all, but when I offer help he immediately says "No, I can do it." So, I take care of my mother's bank account, pay her bills, sometimes make medical appointments. Sometimes I take her to her appointments and out to lunch. I've offered to take her to senior activity centers, the library, or other places to get out of the house and into the world, but she rejects the offers with "We'll see. I'll let you know." I don't know if it would help, but maybe try asking your brother to do something specific (although, I'm guessing you've already tried that). Good luck to you.

RayLinStephens: "My father would complain about my 2 sisters not doing their share"

Wow! I think that's very unusual! Many parents just make excuses (or even give money to) the ones that don't do anything.

I am so sorry that I don’t have an answer, but I do totally sympathize. After my mom passed, someone needed to care for my dad, and it fell to me and my husband. I totally thought my sister would help quite a bit to at least relieve the burden... but a couple months later she just up and moved across the country! I’m still angry 3 years later! She did come once in those years to cover for us so we could take a vacation, and we are going away this winter for a couple of weeks and I didn’t ask but rather TOLD her... “these are the dates, you have to come stay with him”. She will... but it’s the daily grind that wears you down, and it sure would be nice if she was here to do stuff weekly or at least monthly. But I don’t expect anything from her and that’s how it is I guess. I am sorry for you tho; I get how hard it is.

Before commenting, I read through all the responses, including your additional posts. Initially, for whatever reason, you were thinking we make money here, only suggest facility/hiring help, blaming you. As many have assured you, we're only here to either get some advice ourselves or to give some, based on our own experiences. The only "pay" we get is some satisfaction that we have helped in any way.

I can assure you that you aren't alone with the sibling issue or having to figure out how to care for your parents w/out sibling help. From your additional posts, it sounds like you understand that now. Your brother is self-centered, lazy or just doesn't get it - whatever shoe fits. The issue at hand is neither you nor any of us are going to change him. It sucks that siblings often don't help, but on some level be thankful he doesn't butt in - some do, criticizing everything or taking legal action to get access to the parents assets.

Be aware that there ARE a few members on this forum who will mandate it is your responsibility to provide ALL the care needed and will try to guilt you if you can't/don't. IGNORE them. At least one will DEMAND that you stop catering to them and place them. IGNORE. The majority provide suggestions, options or just commiseration. It isn't always possible to do 100% care, and having two parents and no family to help, it could take you down first!  Know your limitations, find whatever help might be available to give you a break now and then. Many of us have been/are in your shoes. We learned the hard way and hope to share our learning experiences with those who are new to all this fun.

I have 2 brothers. Both did provide some help, but it wasn't enough. Most fell on me to handle (I did/still do all the financial work, manage healthcare issues, provide OTC supplies that the facility doesn't cover.) Arranging for the cleanout, repair and sale of her condo sucked up over a year and a half of my time and energy, never mind $ for gas (it was 1.5 hours travel each way.) When I told OB it was getting to be too much to handle, he just bellowed at my to 'give it up'! No alternate plan or suggestion. USELESS! OB had to come from 2 days away, which he did several times, however I found on his last trip (May 2018) that his abusive nature towards me from childhood never went away. He was to be here 2 weeks to help and didn't make it through 1 week before physically abusing me! Yelling is bad enough, but enough to bruise my leg? Done with him and I do mean DONE. He isn't welcome here. YB was hard to get answers/commitments from, but now with mom refusing to walk, I need him to take over the medical/dental trips. I can keep track and arrange them, but I can't support her weight to transport her.

While it's good that you now know you won't get his help, getting the anger out and letting it go will help you. No real need to forgive, just get the anger out and let it go. It isn't easy, and can flare up again. I wrote each brother a long email expressing everything, but never sent them. It allowed me to express all the crap, kind of a catharsis and put it away. Sending it wouldn't have changed anything other than angering them. I just wanted to move on, so I did.

What was being advised is to stop wasting energy on trying to change the situation with him. It isn't likely to happen. You can't change him. You have acknowledged that, so now focus that energy on doing what you can for your parents and yourself. You mention wanting to socialize - YES! Of course that means maybe needing someone to be there while you are out (unless they can be alone for periods of time.) Since their care needs most likely will escalate, you need to have plans in place either to provide the potential 24/7 care yourself, hire help or find an affordable facility that can meet their needs.

Will continue in a post to this post....

Yes, my three other siblings are like that. I made the very hard decision (based in part from all I've read on this site) to not be the caretaker any more. Suddenly I realized that I had a right to a life. My mother (only parent) raised the other selfish siblings and constantly defends them (my sister has been wealthy housewife all her adult life with only yoga and painting as obligations since her children are grown), so what she has when I'm no longer helping is of her own making. It was possibly "easier" for me as my mother was extremely abusive to me, but she did write me out of her will when I left to try to get my health back. (She has no health or money problems, whereas I do - money from taking care of her for free rather than working.). Just a thought: maybe you can step back and if he doesn't step up, then so be it.

Hi. Yes. My 85 yr old high maintenance FIL lives with us. We do everything for him. My hubby’s brother, oldest son of my FIL does not come around to help. It is frustrating! On occasion when we have traveled ( months ago) he did come by after his brother said we needed it. Anyway, I have no idea why his brother does not come by, not even to help us out, but to visit his old dad. I think there are issues from childhood that the brother resents. On the other hand he has taken money ( borrowed but doesn’t pay back number of times) but does not come by to visit his father. I don’t even think for a minute that he even cares all we do and sacrifice. I see him as extremely selfish, and quite frankly self absorbed in his own life. ( he is 58 with a live in 24 yr old partner ). With all this said, I went through what you are. I ultimately got to a place that just accepts things and people as they are. Sad but true. You won’t get these people to do the right thing because they are not capable or they have issues we can’t understand or help with. God Bless you I know how rough your road is.

Chances are he won't change.

This is a huge problem for tons of caregivers and their siblings. You are not alone by any means.

It sounds like his overall behavior is and most likely always has been unfavorable to caring for and about others. Also sounds like a 60 yr old mooch who needs to grow up. Teachers dont work those kinds of hours all the time unless hes a coach, working two jobs etc. What the excuse he uses in the summer?
Anyway, attention needs focused on you! Changing him will be like getting a cat to like baths.

Check to see if there are any home health care providers in your area. Ask for meeting to see what they can do to help you when needed.

See if brother can at least help financially if it's not possible for parents to pay.

Thousands of families are falling apart due to this problem.
Get a few steps ahead by planning before it's too late.
Get power of attorney, longterm care plans made etc.

Take care of you with support groups or counseling if possible.
Caregiving takes its toll.

I was a strong minded confident person until my Dad became I'll. Brother helps with nothing. Sees Dad for less than 8 hours every 2 years. Because of my brother, I now have PTSD and depression to deal with in addition to helping Dad.

Take care of yourself first my dear.
Hugs for you and your parents.

MMasonSt, this is the most common question asked on this forum. It is a real rarity when someone has sibs and gets help from them. Almost every family has ONE child who helps, and the others who are slackers. Those of us on this forum are all "ONE"s. I have known one family in which several sibs helped. That's all. Out of all the families I have known. The person I know from that family thinks that the rest of us don't "ask" enough, but we do.

Yes..we all have similar experience like this. You can’t depend on brother. Just accept it. Can’t change it or do anything about it. Get help for YOU. Either in home care or look into ALF for parents. One can be in Ŝenior living & the other in ALF....if their abilities differ. If they are 90 yo they will decline...& you will too if you get no help, but certainly don’t expect it from brother. You’re not just taking care of one parent...& it’s double stress. Good luck & hugs 🤗

I know exactly how you feel . In my case it’s my older sister. She explains that she can’t stand being around our mother who is negative and complains . Even with our mom having dementia my sister will say she’s playing mind games w her . Her other excuse is that our mother was mean to her growing up so she should only have to participate minimally. I’ve decided to let it go and do what’s right for mom and me.
I’m sending you good vibes and strength. God knows we all need it .

You pretty well described the relationship he has with the parents. They are HIS caregivers and the roles are not likely to reverse. Teachers work long hours but it should not be until 9pm every night and all weekend long - BUT - that's his story and the parents have bought it hook, line and sinker.

The cash gifts are going to penalize your parents as far as getting a state medicaid bed if/when their funds to private pay finally run out. You do need to have that conversation with the brother about no more asking for cash/gifts or accepting them because of this penalty period he is helping to create. Just tell him with all the hours he works, there should be no reason to use their money as well.

If funds available, hire someone to help in the current situation. Check in to local medical transports for the days you cannot get them to the dr appts which would also be private pay. Medicaid allows transports in certain states, but the patient will spend a day getting to/from an appt because others are transported at the same time. At any rate, it's time to hire some help if they can afford.

Don't spend any energy on being mad at your brother because it will only upset you, not him. He's not a caregiver and you are not going to change him.

We basically had to trick our mother into moving back to the states and living in an independent living facility-- and then finally into an assisted living arrangement. We have not had much if any help from the youngest 2 sibs. We are fine with that. What you need to do is establish yourself as Power of Attorney whether your brother likes it or not-- convince your parents it is for their own good and find a good place close by to move them into and then quietly sell their home. They will understand or forget and become more helpable. Good luck. IT is NOT easy. it has been a kind of hellish time off and on with our mother especially when she broke her shoulder falling. BUT at least she did it where there was someone to quickly witness the aftermath and call me. Thank God for caregivers otherwise I would be out of my mind by now. We as a family have been going through the BIG CHANGES since Dad died and Mom became more vulnerable to all sorts of health problems since '04. Question-- do your parents have any spiritual guides-- religious? And your brother ? My favorite quote is to forgive because most of the time those that need forgiving have no earthly idea of what they are doing. There is also another issue-- perhaps Brother cannot mentally deal with seeing his parents lose their lives in such a irrational manner. Both of my younger sisters I know-- cannot deal with any of this-- and I can always count on them to come up with the most off the wall interpretations. Trust me when I say you are better off dealing with all the stuff on your own. Do yourself a favor-- however-- and join a support group at a local church. Many folks in support groups are always 2 steps ahead of you and can help lead you away from troublesome pratfalls.

3 things I've learned with my siblings:
1. Actions speak louder than words. The action of not turning up says it clear.
2. Nothing you say or do will change other siblings/people.
3. Siblings get to choose how they wish to help (or not help)

Even if your brother was retired & lived one street away he still might not help. He may see it as your parent's resonsibility to live their life, not his.

I get that it can feel so unfair when you are knee deep in all this! I certainly feel for you but can see both views.

Just work out how much *you* can do & want to do & start getting non-family in for the rest. Have eyes open to when it is too big for you & do what's required. Good luck :)

He may not change. My one sibling did not. He flew all the way across the country when our mother lie on her death bed and I'd been living with her out of state (left my family) for an extended period. Prayers and good luck.

Its a no win situation, but if you love and care for your parents, you do your best for them, because later on when they pass away you will have memories and you will find some consolation in the fact that you were there for them. Do whatever is safe and best for your parents and for yourself as well, take care of your health too, as if you get sick, who will care for them and for yourself. Many of us will be in the same situation as elderly needing care one day, so we should give instructions before it happens to your children that they have to share the care. You need to be firm. If it works well good for you, but if it doesnt work, well at least you know you prepared them. Preparing children for what lies ahead if we fall sick, we need family to get together and pitch in and help. That should be the formation. Most of the people who refuse to help dont want to face reality of sickness and old age, they dont like to go to hospitals and see the suffering, because they have not be told by their parents from an early age that sickness and suffering is part of life and its our duty and best interest to help, so we each contribute and will also learn from the experience. Its too late when it all starts happening and expect everyone to suddenly do something. You can't change an adult person to change their mindset. Some people just dont want to accept responsibiity all their life. He probably knows that you will still care for them regardless. So try and find your own peace, rather than waste your time trying to get him to see sense. Pray for this matter and God will help you all the way through, He will give you strength to do your work.

Yes, I've been in your situation; and I send you a long, deep hug of empathy.

I'm a middle daughter (3 females). Asking sometimes politely and sometimes angrily for advice, support, opinions, neither ever bothered responding in any manner. 4+ years of daily appointments and 24. hr bedside butler/maid service, and six 911 calls at ungodly hours, resulting in 24 hours of no sleep -- and continuous psycho damage, not sleeping, indescribable depression. I'm blessed with being able to afford for awhile a gifted private therapist (I've no insurance). I left 8 months ago [NOT easy, logistically or financially], after the basic '30-day notice' to the sisters The two were forced to become involved, actually give their time and attention. Neither have ever contacted me. They've no clue where I moved to (2,000 mi. away), and obviously don't care. It is incomprehensible to me.

This is where my brave friends and therapist (alll 4 of 'em) became my teachers and supporters along the way. Over 2 years time, each communicated in their own perspectives that leaving, WITHOUT ANGER, was the only thing for me to do. I worked on the 'without anger' AND the guilt of abandoning my mom, for 18 months. It was pretty bad for me. But when I did it, it was with some bit of equanimity.

MMasonSt., I hope it helps you a little to know that your circumstance is not at ALL uncommon. Life's messy, as I've been told and have learned; acceptance is the answer. Bathe in all the good you have done and are doing. Your siblings don't mean to be (they know not what they do) toxic. But, MMasonSt., they are. Now you've gotta get down and dirty with your spiritual advisors, in whatever form it/they take. Blessings upon you . . . i will hold you in my heart as a 'fellow'.