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Cared for mom in FL for 7 yrs /6 mo/yr+this summer (Sister-5 summers) I want 2 wks to with kids in AZ. Makes excuses, won't help. Not fair. mom with our son for pickup. Excuse- decided to buy a car Where did that come from? And she left for meeting with her friend at her cottage. This is typical and usual according to mom. She tried to dump mom on our son. I told her I wanted to see my family in AZ for two weeks plus I might need cataract surgery. Got a call-sure, will take mom for whole month of Oct. Shortly after called to say no, "her husband had fishing trip with friends and wives". (For whole month, I doubt it!) I gave her four months notice. I can't go in winter and I can't go in summer. She didn't ASK about my keeping mom all the time, she demanded it. I skipped going to visit my son's family already once this summer. My husband has to go alone while I stay back with mom. There's much more. Mom and I are arguing because she ALWAYS side with sis. Sis is executris and has power of Attorney. I have to have permission for things that effect me and I don't like it. Sis is an Alpha wolf, irresponsible with money and tried to get mom's condo in her name with mom's. I've had it. I've been called a liar, demeaned, and bullied. To complicate everything, mom's health is going bad. She has pneumonia, is incontinent, fell and has hurt herself. We have been transporting her to Sis doctor many miles away. Can we do anything to resolve this? We want to see a lawyer about what I have to do if she demands it. Can we make her do anything? I've had it! She kept insisting I solve the problem of caring for mom in October, I think she should solve the problem. Any ideas of how I can require her to be more responsible, legal or otherwise?

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Is Mom unable to make decisions for herself? If so, who has medical power of attorney? That person is responsible for making decisions re Mom's care & well-being. If the same person has financial power of attorney, then that person ensures the bills are paid. If a different person, then the medical POA has the bills sent to the financial POA for payment.

As to "dropping off" Mom at sister's house -- how about you & Mom meet sis for lunch. Meanwhile, you already have a week's worth of items for your mother packed and in your trunk or at the coat check. After a delightful lunch - on Mom's dime of course - you hand over Mom & her suitcase to sister, say you'll be in contact "soon" and to expect the remainder of Mom's items via delivery in the next few days. Then go & totally enjoy your family in AZ.

Do like the suggestion of having your house cleaned before your surgery.

In addition to your sister having power over your mom, you are giving her too much power over you. Only YOU can change the latter.
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Change is really tough but when you are being eaten up with resentment and frustration it is time to act. I know because I have been there and until I made some kind of action things would have stayed the same. You see it is to their advantage for status quo, non rocking of the ship ect, because they still have their lives - you are the one who has given up yours for caregiving. It is an uncomfortable position to be in. I for one totally hate confrontation until I feel that I am being taken advantage of by others. Since I am pretty passive that takes quite a lot. Good luck, stand up for yourself, give yourself as fair as deal as possible and if it does not work tell the POA to take her into her home.
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Time to get things in order. I would go see an attorney and have them write her a letter. She should give up her POA or at the least pay you for taking care of your Mother, or you wont take care of her. Call her bluff if you really want Mom back, you know what I mean. Its time for a change. I can see your point. We have had mom here over 6 years in our home but I am the POA. I paid my son and wife to take care of her on our only 5 day vacation we had on our anniversary, out of Moms money of course. Why not? No one else would do it less than $20 an hour 24/7.
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Missingout, so how is it going?
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Missingout - your sister has no power over you because of a POA - so the issue really is that you have done well beyond your duty, Mom (and your sister as POA) have to make other arrangements. Mom cannot live with you so if she falls, has to go to the emergency room, don't take her back. She stays in the hospital while social workers make other arrangements. Sounds to me like you just have to figure out how to get her into someone else's custody so you can not be accused of just walking out and leaving her helpless. But your big decision is that "it's over, other arrangements have to be made, non-negotiable." Once you have decided that, then it should become easier to take the necessary steps.
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I think to miss out on something requires valuing it to begin with. Taking care of my elderly parent took me to the realization once again - that not everyone thinks like me. I believe a wise person once said "When someone tells you overtime who they are - believe them." When caring for my parent - it took a long time - but my own rose colored glasses got clearer and clearer and it was apparent that people (i.e. siblings) regardless of what their excuses are or what they say - always seem to have the TIME and MONEY to do what they want and what brings them money and/or pleasure. Hope I don't sound bitter - more like I finally "got it." You can not expect an elephant to act like a duck, and so on.
I kept a lot in over time because I felt it was my elderly parent's place to set my siblings straight. But, perhaps that was not fair either. My one sibling would just find various reasons to be mad and then cut off all communication with our parent letting me know they were teaching that parent a lesson. The other sibling was expert at convincing my parent that they were just so busy and had bills to pay. My answer to that now, "YAWN." I think that information is power, that is why I would go to an expert and find out what my options are, forget the cost, and get to taking charge of their own decisions and life. These situations will swallow up and ruin any person that decides either consciously or not - that they will just be a victim. At the end, the wolves will come out and want to make sure this sister who is doing alllll the work doesn't get one cent more pleasure or money than they do. These type of situations are very sad. One thing that kept me going was my faith. I had experienced more than once, that my Lord will even the score - I didn't need to try and even the score myself, i.e., teach anyone a lesson or carry a grudge or be involved in a family feud. But getting information and being smart and sometimes getting angry - is really self protection, and love of self. Some may be amazed that they can be strong, direct, and nice to.
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Missingout, what are your thoughts?
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I always kind of think why do people who are burdened by other's self-centeredness - continue to carry the load because they don't "like" confrontations? Usually people avoid necessary confrontations because they will say they just want to keep the "peace." My question to you - is how is that working for you?? Meaning, by avoiding the confrontation with your sister you don't sound like you are experiencing "peace" - I think you are kidding yourself to your own detriment. Just my two cents worh.
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My mother got her angel wings several weeks ago...suffered a massive brain bleed and flew away several days later. I had been a daily presence in her life for the last 12 years, and she in mine, we were not only mother and daughter, but became best friends. I was lucky, she never suffered from dementia, or anything that caused cognitive disabilities, but she required more assistance with daily activities as time went on. My sister moved across country and lived in the same house with my mother for the last 10 months of her life. I live down the street. The road was rocky, as my sister and mother have had relationship difficulties for many years. My sister moved here mostly because she got herself into serious financial stress after her husband passed, and was about to become homeless. It seemed to be a good solution, as she could repair her financial situation and at the same time provide assistance to me in providing for our mother's increasing needs. However, it did not work out that way. My sister hangs back and does not seem to see other's needs, or if she does to not put them ahead of her own. For example, after a surgery and release, my mother was very sick for a week, was in pain and not able to sleep, I stayed up with my mom night and day, without an offer from my sister to help. Her reasoning was " Well, there is no use in all of us staying awake, so I'll go to bed.".. and off she went to her bedroom and closed the door, so she wouldn't hear my mother's crys and moans. Even now, she will not engage in helping with all the tasks that need completion when a person passes away including making final arrangements, handling financial accounts, notifying family and friends, etc, etc. etc. I have attempted to live the door open for her participation, but she does not seem to want to step through it, but also complains that I have taken over and don't give her the opportunity. For example, I told her that I was making an appointment with the minister officiating the "Celebration of Life" being planned for our mother to tell him a little about our mother, she said "Well, I"ll let you go alone". Instead, she went on a shopping spree. I am trying to have patience, as I know people have different ways of handling grief and stress, but I feel my patience slipping and my resentment building. Anyway, it seems as if an equalization among siblings when it comes to the care of aging parents, and even taking care of affairs after they pass on is rare. I am a person who does not like confrontations, but I feel one coming on. I love my sister, but I have come to know that she will take advantage of me if I let her.
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I know I don't know the whole story, i.e., how did you wind up being the caregiver in the lst place, and do you get any payment for all the care that you give?
To me, for whatever reason, your mom has really done you a disservice by putting your sister in charge of all - being Executor, etc. - so don't know the background of that either. I would run, not walk, to an elder care related attorney and find out all of your legal options. If your mom is well and coherent enough - I would tell her that you want to be co-executor, etc., whatever the attorney advises. I hate to depress you (and I only am giving my 2 cents worth due to what I have been going through for the last 18 years) - but if you think your sister is bad news now - just wait until she takes on her Executor duties. The good news is - it sounds like your mom no longer has her home and the contents of her home. I am presently clearly out 50+ years of memories and loads of STUFF because my siblings have decided to be mad - and that way they do not offer to be of ANY help. They have agreed to just disagree with everything I suggest as Executor. In retrospect my dad didn't get it all together to protect me, but at least he made me Executor. My sister loves for someone else to do ALL the work - while she gets either all or half the benefit.. Get a lawyer to educate yourself and your husband as to your rights and options. Don't be penny-wise and pound foolish. Good Luck.
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The problem with the drop off is my idea of being responsible and the emotional involvement.... in theory it sounds great, but I would liken it to dropping off my child (that's really what it has evolved to, the parent becomes the child)... I would stress out so that Im not sure which would be worse. Since your sister has power of attorney it may be key; you should contact an attorney that is proficient in elder care. Your mother will always make excuses for the siblings as mine does. Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder in case of no show siblings. Does not matter what they do or more correctly "don't do", my mother continues to excuse them. My sister has POA and even tho I make the decisions for my mother, she will not change POA because it would hurt the sisters feelings, yet she sees mom a couple times a month (many times less) for a half a day or less. And you never know until that day whether they will show so making plans is not possible.And when request are made to cover for a weekend they are all too busy. I say they because I have two sisters and they refuse to come separately. So in other words they come to socialize with each other. My mother refuses to accept the idea that there may come a day that she is no longer able to handle her affairs due to physical or mental decline; she refuses to even sign a living will or to add a name to her checking.( She says mine is on it in case of death so I can divide the money which will be nonexistent by the tine she goes anyway) So if something does happen I will be left holding the bag. No matter what age they are, they do not want to relinquish what little control they have left. And I understand that, but understanding will not help in a crisis. Most likely something major will happen, whether stroke etc and when that day comes I will have to readdress the situation. Until then I just try to take it one day at a time. I suppose I have not added anything here and certainly no answers. But dang it, it feels good to vent!
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If you have no control over your mother's finances, getting an attorney would be very costly and you can't do anything without a PoA. Contact your county or state Health Dept dealing with the Elderly. Your mother needs an attorney ad litem. This is a court appointed lawyer who represents her interests. They will determine if your sister is absconding with her money. They will also determine if she needs to be in an assisted care facility. In your present situation, you have all the work and no control. Put an end to that,
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Sherry, want to trade places? You can have my sisters and I will be the only child. It would make my life so much easier.
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Sooo thankful to be an only child...
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Mediators will speak to you 1:1 or with your family present. I just found one close to home on the internet. It is pretty pricey $200/hr. What happened in my case was the assisted living route. Gotta go with the majority and this is what they want so unless I want to make a stink no mediator is necessary. If you go in with a clear plan where the issues can be resolved in an hour it may be worth it. If you go in with arguments and accusations and drama it will end up costing a lot more. I decided to forgo the drama and I am leaning toward the assisted living route also now. Have to do what is best for mums and hope it works out. Hugs to all...
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Sallie is correct. I tried to setup a care evaluation for my Mom over a year ago. Sis POA was in complete denial that Mom needed care. And then, absurd as it may seem, the proposal over a year ago included the name of someone that I had good recommendations for. And guess who's name they came up with in mediation six months later?! You guessed it! The person I had recommended.

We got to mediation only because it had become a guardianship/conservatorship motion in the court. They would not talk about anything until there was a pending court date.
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Hadenough, let me know how mediators do this. I know if I tried to get my siblings to go to a meeting with one they wouldn't go. I wonder if the mediator can speak to them one on one? I am really thinking of going this route.
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I think you should contact the lawyer who drew up the POA and let him know all these troubles....this lawyer has a duty to represent your Mom (not sis) and if sis is not doing a good job, perhaps the lawyer can enlighten your mom to other possible ways of ensuring she is receiving good care.
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My husband I were caregivers for his mother for 7 years, 4 of them in our home with me as primary caregiver. We had major crises to deal with over the Christmas holiday 3 different years. My sisters-in-law were spending their holidays skiing out West. The last Christmas my mother-in-law was alive, my husband called his sister about taking Mom for the holiday. He was prepared for her response: “I cannot take her. We will have my grandson and 3 dogs in the house.” My husband replied, “We will have 7 grandchildren and 1 dog at ours. This is not negotiable.” People can only take advantage of you if you let them.
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I like the drop Mom off - but here's the rub, I know that you love your mom and wouldn't do anything to hurt her. This would hurt her terribly. Do stand up for yourself. I dropped my kids off at my EX husband's girlfriend's door when I saw his car parked outside and he didn't come pick them up on"his weekend", but that was back in the 70s now-days I'd go to jail for that one. It might be considered reckless endangerment to drop off Mom at sister's front door & run.
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Same situation here. They can blab all they want about giving me time off and help but it NEVER happens. The sad part is that I think in their minds the 3 hours a month they spend with their mother is plenty. Makes me sick.... I am in the process of getting a family care mediator to help work this out. I am soooo tired of the endless poker game we are playing.
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Sounds to me you need to pack moms suitcase for a weeks trip, take her and the suitcase to your sisters house (while she is there of course), take Mom and suitcase to the front door and ring the door bell several times and get back in your car and leave. Don't forget to put your sisters phone number on ignore then text your sister and tell her when she wants to be reasonable in a few months you will be happy to talk to her then.
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Present your resignation in writing with copies to mom and sis and your local social services. Give sixty days notice and leave exactly on that date. The POA is legally responsible for anything after that date, including neglect.
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From personal experience and contrary to things I've read regarding caregiving. Sources say to turn to your friends and family first. I beg to differ. I say turn to all available local agencies that you can for respite daycare, supplies at little or no cost, (based on household income),every and all social service agencies. Assistance from agencies for the low income might offer some direction. Don't leave out local churches and other agencies that assist the low income for direction and help. I would put friends before family. It's amazing how family can distance themselves from the issue and you. The excuses are all across the board.
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Drive your mom to your sister's house, you said it is near mom's doctor so she can make the trip I am assuming. Leave mom with sister and go to AZ. Tell sister you do not want mom back, you are no longer able to care for her because you are not able to also care for yourself while she is there. Tell her a month ahead of time, and tell her there is no going back on your part. Also schedule your cataract surgery following your trip. Pack mom's stuff now, pack meds etc just before you go and leave it all with your sister. Perhaps hire someone to clean your house just prior to surgery so you can have a clean recovery environment to heal. Send that bill to sister. If mom is going to need medicaid, her condo may not remain hers anyway. Let sister do whatever. If need be, see a lawyer and see about billing mom's money for the care you have provided in the past to ensure you are not left out of the estate. Talk to lawyer about when to present the bill to sister/POA/executor.
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First of all, POA gives your sister NO authority over you. None. She cannot say that you have to take care of Mom. You are free to make your own decisions. You may not be able to determine that Mom goes to a nursing home, because someone has to pay for that, and the POA does have authority over the money. But you can certainly say, "I am no longer able to care for Mom in my home."

Do see a lawyer who specializes in Elder Law. If Mom is willing to have you as POA that is an easy change. Then you can use her money for her care, and arrange respite care for that month. But it sounds like Mom may not permit that. In that case the lawyer can help you understand exactly what your options are.

Your sister is in charge of mother's money, but you are in charge of your own decisions. See a lawyer to put your caregiving on firmer ground.
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hire a service to come in 24 /7 for those two weeks or some Facilities will take them for intermittent care while you are out of town. if she has to pay out of moms money then maybe she will change her tune. you can say to her these are my plans now you need to find out where she can go so I can see my family And I'm definitely entitled to do so. I give enough of my time and i need a break.Good luck and stick to your guns with an ultimatum or it will keep happening
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This post got my blood pressure going! First off your sister has no business being POA. You care for her. I agree with Glad, tel your sister to make arrangements by a certain date and tell her it's her turn. She gas POA and the doctor is closer to her. If she wants to make all the decisions then she should have the person who the decisions are being made for. Good luck, be strong and stand your ground.
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It's sad but your sister is planning on how she' going to use your mothers property and spend her funds. It's really time you set a date and put mom in a place where she can be watched. If you sister doesn't do it that don't mean you have to continue to care for her. Contact your own attorney after you give her the option and if she doesn't do anything to improve her situation you can challenge her POA for the good of you mother. I hope it doesn't come down to that but enough is enough if you don't make a stand somewhere along the line.
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I know what you are going through. They say they want to help you but they dont and I agree tell your mom to find assisted living. My husband and daughter and her husband leave in arkansas, And I live in Colorado taking care of my mom. They are really punishing me because I am taking care of my mom.
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