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My mother hates me so my sister thinks moving her to San Diego is going to solve the problem. I think she will soon just start hating her because she will be the one close to her not me. Am I all wrong?
The comments here are absolutely right. Your mother hates her situation, her disease, her loss of independence. It has nothing to do with you. For a short period of time, she may be happier, but it won't last because nothing will change about her disease.
Training and education in caring for someone who has dementia can help to a degree, but that often comes down to acceptance of the disease on the part of the caregiver. If your sister's personality is such that she can do this, the arrangement may work out better, but this still doesn't mean that she is a better daughter or that your mother really hates you. Most likely, after the first days or weeks, nothing will be different.
That being said, it sounds like you've taken your turn and it's time to let your sister do the caregiving for now. You deserve a life of your own and you don't deserve abuse. I'd go along with your sister if you think she can do a fairly decent job of caring for your mother.
Eventually, your mother may need professional help. Then, it may come down to which state provides the best services for their aging seniors. It wouldn't hurt for you and your sister to compare these services early on so that decisions can be made when help is needed.
Good luck, my friend. Please don't be hard on yourself. You didn't fail. It's time to pass the torch to someone fresh. Carol
You are dead right. Elders with cognitive impairment hate their situation, they hate being old, they hate losing their independence, they hate all their ailments, they hate not remembering things and they are scared of their future. --all understandable. And they take those fears, paranoia and I'll temper out on those closest to them. She will likely be the brunt of it eventually. There maybe a honeymoon period at first where sis meets all her needs, makes sure she's comfortable and they catch up and first enjoy each other's company.
Once the newness wears off and the day to day drudgery starts and your sister tires of losing her privacy, etc.; mom will lash out and sis will be blindsided and feel resentful.
Let her take mom, even if temporary and YOU take a break and let this play out. Don't even call while mom adjusts and sister takes charge. Let sister do her part and share the care for awhile. You can get a life in the meantime and visit after that.
Mom may have a new appreciation for you and the care you provided. Your sister too. She likely will regret this decision and then maybe you can both be closer and mutually plan on future care for mom and sharing in that care or sharing in financing some help to care for mom so you each don't have total burden.
First, your mother doesn't hate you; that is the dementia talking. Second, send her to your sister. It would be wonderful if she is happy with your sister and you would get a wonderful break from the dementia. Third, enjoy yourself during your respite and regain your life. Fourth, prepare for the phone call from your sister by checking out facilities where your mother will be distracted by many activities and kept safe. Fifth, stop feeling guilty, your sister wants to help, let her, your sister doesn't know what you are dealing with on a day-to-day basis, but she will, and then you can begin a collaborative effort to find care for your mother. I certainly learned! Signed, I could be the sister!
Most probably yes. Dementia is pretty unpredictable. Mom may "hate" you because you remind her of her fourth grade teacher who made her life miserable. Maybe your sister will remind her of her favorite person in the world. Maybe.
But it is far more likely that Sunflo's explanation fits the situation, and moving Mom won't really solve the problem. But it will give you breathing room. You might suggest to your sister, "Why don't we try this for six months and see how it goes?"
While she is gone you can give some serious consideration to what should happen next if it doesn't work out with Sis. Is it time for a care center? But give yourself a nice break first.
Those caring for dementia patients have to learn never to take expressions of hate personally. It can be tough to d this, but it must be remembered that those with dementia are not themselves.
I am sorry this has happened, but it is not all that unusual.
Whatever your Mum says, she is the one that bore you, cared for and nurtured you, and the personality she displays now is not really her. Dementia affects the mind and alters the personality. Please do try to bear with the negative things and continue to love and care for your mother.
Is there some sort of thing where elders with dementia just refuse to allow anyone to help or accept anything that might improve their lot? I get that with my mom: she won't get a hearing aid or try meds that might help her (for example) and she just gets worse and more bitter and disconnected. I get that she hates her situation in many ways (hard time walking, remembering, etc.) but isn't it practical to accept some help and at least make a try of it instead of just hating everything?
Sunflo is very wise. For me there was a "honeymoon" period of a few months. She was happy to get company and have someone there to fulfill her needs. When I started to get a little life of my own she became resentful of my absence and I became resentful of feeling like a prisoner. I found that I could not make her happy, keep her safe, be her little companion and her Mother all at the same time. It was too much and since I got very little respite I burned out. She is going to an assisted living facility next month where hopefully she will get all the attention she needs and desires and we can have a loving relationship once again. Enjoy the time but watch out for the ping-ponging that is most likely going to happen. Once she goes into assisted living that is it - no more back and forth and no more wild goose chases trying to make her happy because I cannot make her 20 again.
She does not hate you, she hates the loss of independence, the loss of control over her own life. Moving her will only increase her resentment. She will badmouth your care for about a month, then realize that sis has the control. Sis will then be the bad guy and she will want to move back. You might call that the "Ping-Pong" phase. At that point you send Ping-Pong to Assisted Living so she can complain about them, instead of either one of you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Training and education in caring for someone who has dementia can help to a degree, but that often comes down to acceptance of the disease on the part of the caregiver. If your sister's personality is such that she can do this, the arrangement may work out better, but this still doesn't mean that she is a better daughter or that your mother really hates you. Most likely, after the first days or weeks, nothing will be different.
That being said, it sounds like you've taken your turn and it's time to let your sister do the caregiving for now. You deserve a life of your own and you don't deserve abuse. I'd go along with your sister if you think she can do a fairly decent job of caring for your mother.
Eventually, your mother may need professional help. Then, it may come down to which state provides the best services for their aging seniors. It wouldn't hurt for you and your sister to compare these services early on so that decisions can be made when help is needed.
Good luck, my friend. Please don't be hard on yourself. You didn't fail. It's time to pass the torch to someone fresh.
Carol
Once the newness wears off and the day to day drudgery starts and your sister tires of losing her privacy, etc.; mom will lash out and sis will be blindsided and feel resentful.
Let her take mom, even if temporary and YOU take a break and let this play out. Don't even call while mom adjusts and sister takes charge. Let sister do her part and share the care for awhile. You can get a life in the meantime and visit after that.
Mom may have a new appreciation for you and the care you provided. Your sister too. She likely will regret this decision and then maybe you can both be closer and mutually plan on future care for mom and sharing in that care or sharing in financing some help to care for mom so you each don't have total burden.
Hope this helps.h
But it is far more likely that Sunflo's explanation fits the situation, and moving Mom won't really solve the problem. But it will give you breathing room. You might suggest to your sister, "Why don't we try this for six months and see how it goes?"
While she is gone you can give some serious consideration to what should happen next if it doesn't work out with Sis. Is it time for a care center? But give yourself a nice break first.
Is your mom currently living in your house?
I call that a result :)
Those caring for dementia patients have to learn never to take expressions of hate personally. It can be tough to d this, but it must be remembered that those with dementia are not themselves.
I am sorry this has happened, but it is not all that unusual.
Whatever your Mum says, she is the one that bore you, cared for and nurtured you, and the personality she displays now is not really her. Dementia affects the mind and alters the personality. Please do try to bear with the negative things and continue to love and care for your mother.
Good luck.
:)
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