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I lived through this exact situation with my Gramma and Uncle!!! I wish now I had done something much sooner!!! Uncle spent every penny. My Gramma’s House was paid off, no mortgage. My Uncle tricked her into a reverse mortgage on the house. He took out an equity line of credit for $75,000. I was the executor of her will and when she was younger her and my Grandfather gave me the House in their wills. Guess what house was forclosed on after her death? My house!!! My Uncle died before I could take any action!
IF YOU HEAR OF VERBAL OR PHYSICAL ABUSE YOU MUST REPORT IT!! In Texas you can file the report anonymously if you like. Regardless, when Adult Protective comes to speak with your Uncle and Gramma they will not use any names to avoid a possible escalation of the abuse. So call and report your Uncle. Please do this today. AND I would advise getting all of her assets put in a Trust with you as Trustee. That way all debits must be approved by you!!! Or talk to her bank about removing him from her accounts. I am a Financial Advisor and Elder Advocate and have seen this situation so many times. Rarely does it work out. If he makes a decent income why can’t he pick up the tab sometimes for his sweet Mother??? I will pray for your family and if you have any questions please feel free to contact me. 🙏
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They do have the authority to do more than you'd think. They had the house condemned because the dogs had been unattended in it for a week after they removed Mom from the house. They declared it a hazmat situation and that gave them the authority. When they 'cleaned' the house, things disappeared. This was in Minnesota. The state has been sued in the past for this sort of thing and they lost but there are still problems. Our attorney tells us he ran into similar situations in Ohio and Indiana. I can't speak for any other states. California has very strict protections (thank heavens) so I don't think it would happen here but I've made sure that we have POA and wills in case of problems. AS for dosing Mom with Xanax, they were well within their rights. She was terrified when they removed her from the house and crying for my brother. She has high blood pressure and the Xanax was dangerous but I had to become her guardian before I could make them stop. Yes it all sounds 'fishy'. It is what happened to us and I've heard it has happened to others.
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This uncle cannot continue his reign of abuse. You'd be best to hire an attorney.
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Hi! I appreciate your compassion, stories, advice and collective wisdom.  Having the benefit of hindsight now, I can see why my uncle and my mother both have issues with Gramma.  And my uncle has had what I describe as a love/hate relationship with her for as long as I can remember.  I remember them getting into screaming matches when I was growing up, and over the course of my life, have seen the aftermath of their fights - usually Gramma ends up crying and saying how he makes her so nervous and upset with how he yells at her.  I am certain that having her becoming increasing less rational and more dependent only serves to make the situation worse. I do have compassion for him. I have compassion for anyone who is in a situation where they are desperately unhappy.  BUT IT STOPS THERE. 

My uncle is 61. Regardless of the dynamics and history between them, he is responsible for how he behaves toward his mom. It's not my intention to render judgement on his reasons; rather, I'm saying that his actions are completely unacceptable.  And to the point made by Countrymouse - he is fundamentally unsuited to the role of caregiver. 

My mom - well, all I can say is that many of you pretty much nailed it. She enables my uncle because it's easier for her than taking action. And I have told her very straightforwardly that doing nothing is the same as abusing Gramma herself.

Some thoughts after reading your posts - and I can't tell you how incredibly valuable this discussion has been:
1. I need to consult with an elder care attorney. Will research and make an appointment today.
2. I am going to put the cameras in. Will order today.
3. Have advised my mother to demand a monthly financial review with my uncle where they can look at her regular account (the one my uncle monitors) and her investment account (the one my mom monitors). Will hound her until she does this.
4. Will discuss my concerns with the home health agency that we've brought in. I don't think they'll see any signs of abuse. If I'm correct, the abuse is verbal, emotional and financial. I do not think she's being physically abused, but it won't hurt to be extra vigilant.
5. I need to make my presence more of an issue in her home. I'm not in a position to become her caregiver myself. I already work about 65 hours per week. But I can make soup and other stuff she likes and bring it to her. If I pop in randomly on a frequent basis, I might just catch my uncle unawares and in the middle of something I can use as proof.
6. I did discuss with my mother my goal of trying to get POA away from my uncle. I also suggested that if we're successful, we also get a guardian appointed to administer her finances. Mom agreed.

Anything I'm missing?
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Lymie61 Jul 2018
Mom agreed? That's great, not sure I would have expected that. If she is willing to follow through and be involved as long as your motivating her you may be able to get more control and do more than I was thinking you might anyway. She may not ever acknowledge it but your grandmother is very lucky to have you watching out for her. Your mom too.
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Er, yes - you have overlooked that your grandmother needs full-time care; and you have overlooked that she loves her son.

So. First of all, think through how she is to be cared for and who by. You need to have a plan you can action, ideally one that removes uncle from her home without distressing grandma, which necessarily means without doing anything to him that she wouldn't like.

This is her son. She is going to want to continue to see him, and she is going to want to know that he is okay. Have him arrested, have him forcibly evicted, and you are going to upset her. Avoid it if possible by persuading him that there are better care options. Does the rest of the family have any sway with him?
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gmadorisylove Jul 2018
Regrettably, no. The rest of the family thinks he's a loser and would just as soon he fell off the face of the earth. And nothing we do is going to make Gramma happy other than leaving things as they are. She's already angry about having caregivers coming into her home three days a week. So no matter what I actions I take, I feel like I'm going to end up doing the wrong thing. All I really want is to see that she lives in a clean home, free of verbal assaults, with the care she needs to live out her remaining time in as good of health as we can achieve.
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From my personal experience, it's nearly impossible to do anything about it legally, and you may end up sounding like the bad person yourself for trying.
Can she afford a trust co to handle her financial affairs?

I went through a full year of effort to stop my brother's abuse.
I first filled out the state's elder abuse report form online a year ago. After 2 months went by and I'd heard nothing, I called the state office and was told they closed the case without ever investigating. My brother lives only 20 minutes away, but is in another state, so they said they can't do anything because he's in another state and they don't cross state lines.
I thought that was an incredibly lame excuse, but, having been a federal employee myself, I know how unlikely it is for state, county and federal workers to ever lose their jobs (unless they're working for a political party and their party is voted out), hence, they don't have incentive to do their job. I gave up on them.
I got on some forums, found national agencies in other states, but got zero help.
I also called numerous attorneys, but most said they only deal with nursing home abuse. One said he could help, made a few calls, charged me $400 and then quit returning my calls and emails.
I even called my parents own attorney who called them in the NEXT day (with me) to find out what was going on. We talked for a while but Dad is mentally clueless now. He doesn't know where he is or wh, and gets angry if asked questions because he doesn't know the answer. Mom, otoh, won't get my brother in trouble... so they were silent. I provided some of the massive amt of proof I have, but the attorney really didn't know what to do with it. They made a conference call and someone suggested a restraining order. I'd already tried that. The city said they won't file one unless I file a police report first. So, I'd called police. Police said I have no written proof of threats to my parents' lives, so they wouldn't do anything either.
Then I found an agency within my city that deals with elder abuse. An attorney talked to me at length on the phone for several weeks before finally coming by one day with an associate to visit with my parents. I left so they wouldn't think that I was the actual abuser trying to get rid of others and so they wouldn't have to worry that either parent was unable to be truthful with me present.
I had recordings of the abuse (no hitting; just a lot of guilt, whining about money and how they're "owed" it, and complaining) which the officials refused to take. Later they called me and said there's nothing they can do. Neither parent said they were being abused. They saw no signs of violence or neglect.
And that was that.
My brother continues to beg, whine, cajole, get angry, cry, sob, get red in the face frustrated, and explain why our parents need to go back to paying all of his living expenses. He's worn Mom down multiple times, so a trust co took over the bills to alleviate that and so he can't blame ME since I had the checkbooks for a while after Mom had her stroke.
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It makes me wonder how Grandma treated him when he was growing up. There are inner dynamics at work that may not/probably not able to be overcome just because others in the family are now aware of it.
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