My LO who has AD has been at AL for about two months. At first she constantly talked of wanting to go home, but that has stopped. She then asked about going to her home to visit there and see her cat. That is not possible as her cat is gone and her house is being repaired. She cannot go there. I told her I would investigate if that would be possible and she has accepted that.
Now she has asked if I can take her to my parents house to visit with us for the day. She's my mom's first cousin, my second cousin. She is 63 years old and is also disabled due to arthritis.
She has significant dementia and forgets what was said or done only 5 minutes ago, so she repeats the same thing over and over. She also cannot follow a conversation.
I'm afraid if she gets at our house she may refuse to get back in the car to return. Should I take the chance?
Share the smile with everyone you meet. Everyone needs it. Look in the mirror and share one with 'You'.
Also, if you find yourself in a rut, take some time off and go somewhere and get your mind on something else for awhile...Breathe...(i even go to my garage sometimes when i can't go away, and 'SCREAM'...and have been known to be driving thru the country and opening my windows and letting out a scream.
Life goes on, and so do we and so do our loved ones. Actually, coming here to this forum has done me a lot of good. People here have answered so many of my questions, and most of us have been in each other's shoes.
Good Luck and God Bless you for loving your Mom. (-:
Just to make clear what some posters had asked me about. My cousin will soon be 63, but her dementia is severe. It is believed she has AD. The progression has been coming on for years, but I didn't realize it. Now it makes sense. Her father had the same thing, but his progressed later in life.
My cousin has been on disability for arthritis for about 5 years. She walks with a cane. She also has a bone disorder. She has broken numerous bones over the years. They snap very easily. She has broken her shoulder, both ankles, foot, and wrist, this past April. This is another reason I hesitate to take her from the ALF. She also has diabetes and hypertension.
My parents are in their 70's. They don't have dementia, but have various health issues. That's why I moved in with them a couple of years ago to help them out. That has worked out well.
My parents and I are planning on a Birthday visit with gifts, cards and her favorite treats in a couple of weeks. I'll take pictures and post them in her room, so she can see the visit anytime.
I ws not aware of all the falls and breaks. I would not want that responsibility.
I don't have to deal with the side effects, but I would guess that she would enjoy a day or lunch or visit in any family's home environment immensely, and that joy would be worth some minor upset later.
I am sitting here with tears running down my face. I took my mother out for a drive a couple months before she died. We drove down her street and she wanted me to take her to her house so she could "just sit in the living room". She was frail and on oxygen and I was scared to death that she would fall and get hurt, or refuse to get back in the car and go back to the nursing facility. I cannot tell you how often I wish I could have that moment back to let her sit on her sofa and look out on the trees she had enjoyed from her living room.
We moved both of them closer to my sister's home and tried to care for them in an apartment, but it was impossible with my father even with aides (he had deteriorated rather quickly and had spent a few months in the first nursing home), and soon it became obvious our mother couldn't adapt and needed too much supervision. She soon joined our father in the "new" nursing home and has been there for the past 19 months. Our father died a couple months ago, and our mother (who has had dementia for a couple years) still wonders where he is sometimes even though she was in the room when it happened. She talks about wanting to get out at least for a visit to my sister's place, but she is now so weak that she has to be picked up even to get into a wheelchair and cannot even prop herself back up if she starts sliding down. In addition, she seems unable to sit very long and almost begs to get back into bed. I tell her we could take her if she could get stronger, which we hope would give her an incentive to try to do so while we realize it will probably never happen.
The bottom line, at least for us, is that it depends on the condition of the person both physically and mentally, and can change over time. It worked before for us but almost certainly wouldn't now.
My sister and I called Mom yesterday and she said how she had really wanted to come to my son's wedding and it was the 'only' one she really would have liked to come. We told her it was 92 degrees, the outdoor venue was very difficult to walk on, and part of it was my sister did need a break as she visits her everyday, and part of it was neither of us wanted to be totally responsible for her if she did come. She's in between AL and Memory Care, very with it then not, she can engage in a conversation but her orientation is impaired, but this response of hers coupled with 'I'm sure the other grandmother enjoyed herself" made us so sad and I thought we should have hired a CG to be with her and bring her up on the plane.
Are they missing out on things? YES, in our minds they are. But you have to remember: their thinking patterns are completely different from ours and we cannot anticipate the desires of those with dementia. Physically they often cannot take much more than a simple daily routine while mentally they may have clear enough moments where they can lay a guilt trip on you.
You did the right thing by not bringing her. DON'T allow guilt to cloud yours and your sister's judgement on this.
I've decided that for right now, I'm going to bring the party to her, where she is. After we know a lot more about her diagnosis, then I will reevaluate the issue, but for now, I think the risks outweigh the potential benefit.
I am reminded of the times prior to my cousin going into AL. I would take her to the doctor's office and she was always in a hurry to leave. When we left, she would say she wanted to stop by a restaurant for lunch, but when we got there, she would either decide to not go in or leave before she even ate her food. She would say she wanted to go to the grocery store, but when I said we could stop by she would change her mind and say I could go later without her. I think she says she wants to do things, but she isn't able to follow through with it.