I need your ideas and advice on how to handle my father's death. I've been going back and forth on what to do - so would appreciate all comments to help my thinking.
My mother has dementia for the past 15 years, from a head injury she sustained. She is able to learn and remember some new things - like her new cat's names and my husband's name - whom she did not know before her injury. But it is hard to predict what she can remember.
Both of my parents have lived with my husband and myself for the last 9 years in Japan. Dad frequently traveled back to the US - to see his doctors and friends. During his last trip, he took ill and died. Since these trips to the US are fairly common, we've gotten into a routine of keeping Mom calm. So when she asks where Dad is - we typically tell her - Dad is shopping, or out walking or on the computer checking his email. Mom typically accepts these answer and then goes on with other things. We use the method of distracting her frequently, as if we told her Dad was in the US - then she gets angry that he did not take her.
So the advice I need - do I tell her about my father's death ? And more importantly, do I take her back to the US for the funeral ? She is 79 years old and prior to her injury, was quite the world traveler - very use to flying. However, I notice that since her dementia, she is stressed when put into environments that are not familiar to her. So I expect that flying will cause her some stress - even if my husgand and myself are with her.
I do feel it is best to tell her, as they were married for over 60 years and at some level, she should know. Since she can remember selective things - I am wondering if I should take her to the funeral - which will be at Arlington National Cemetry. I think this could be something she might remember. But then again - I have no way of knowing.
After the funeral, my curent thinking is to use the same strategy, that if she asks about Dad - meaning she does not remember he died - then we keep telling her he is out. That way - she doesn't have to re-live the grief.
Should I take her to the funeral ?
Should I tell her that he died ?
Many thanks for your comments.
My mother and I and a cousin visited my demented aunt (cousin's mother). She knew exactly who we were and how we fit together in the family picture. She has almost no short term memory. After visiting a while she asked whether my father had come to visit too. My mother was quite surprised and said, "Ralph died 8 years ago." This clearly upset my aunt. "Oh no, girl! Why wasn't I told? That is awful. I am so sorry." We got past that and went on visiting. Two sentences later aunt asked "Did Ralph come with you on this trip?" and we went through the same thing again. Once she asked he daughter, "Why didn't we go to the funeral?" and her daughter said, "We did, Mom." The whole visit was very upsetting to my aunt and to my mother. If I were in a similar situation again, I would say, each time, "Dad couldn't come with us this time." Why distress two wonderful elderly ladies with "the truth"?
I don't think that there is a "right" answer to your question. If you and your sister cannot come to an agreement, you could settle it by flipping a coin, or by deferring to her wishes since she lived with Mom. Neither one of you should stew over it and play the "what if/if only" games. Somehow decide, carry out the decision. and don't beat yourself or each other up over it.
kjmackay, yes I do believe that what your mom is doing is normal. It might comfort her that he talks to her in dreams.
miz
They were married for 32 years before they divorced. Mother always struggled with the divorce and that my dad remarried. He died last week at 89 years old. Mother is 90 and is suffering from dementia. She still cares for him deeply. The day that I found out that he was gravely ill, Mother asked if Dad was still alive. She had never asked that before! She now asks about him approx. every 2 days. Should I tell her and have her suffer through the grief only to forget ask once again? Should I tell her again?
My sister who is her caregiver thinks we shouldn't tell her. I am so conflicted. I don't know what to do. My insides tell me to tell her, but my sister lives with her and so doesn't she have the right to decide?
Any ideas? I love her so much. I want to do what is best for her and my sister!
Carol
I wonder if your mom would NOT go to the funeral since it's here in the States, but instead have a memorial for your dad there in Japan with some close friends that you both could attend instead? That way she wouldn't have to do the flying thing, but you'd still have to tell her about his death. Maybe tell her it's too late for the funeral in the U.S., but that you have an alternative. Sorry about your dad.
But, I do feel people need to be told that their spouse died. I think they know on some level.
Carol
Overall, Mom has handled everything quite well. She got tired in between the various "events" but she was quite social with all the relatives that visited her. The hardest part was the ceremony in Arlington. I felt that was the only time she really grieved, because she knew how much it meant to Dad to be buried there. It was his dream and Mom said that Dad would be so proud to be in Arlington.
Of course, she still does not remember Dad has died and continues to ask where Dad is. But we found an interesting reaction from Mom. Initially - we said that Dad died - and she was shocked each time. However, when we say that Dad is in Arlington - she is more accepting - "oh - he died" - but not the shocked reaction as before.
When we return to Singapore - we may not tell her Dad is in Arlington - as we want to keep her happy with life. However, we find that when she doesn't see Dad - she starts thinking that Dad has abandoned her, or left her - which makes her mad. But we will read the various books we bought and see if we can get some insight into how best to handle this.
Again - many many thanks for your wonderful comments. And thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.
Bennie
On the travel side - we have planned as easy of a trip as possible. We have our own small wheelchair - so she does not have to walk. And we are breaking the trip across 2 days - so Mom can sleep overnight before continuing the next leg of the trip.
I very much appreciate everyone's "two cents" as there are some great ideas that I will use. I will order the book on the Naomi Feil's technique - as I am not familiar with this - and I think this will help us to interact with Mom in the future. The idea of the flag with a good happy picture is great. Will definitely do that.
Our next hurdle is to see how Mom handles actually seeing Dad in the funeral home. I am dreading seeing Dad, so I can only imagine how she will react. We will try to gently warn Mom and get her mentally ready - before walking in. I think that if she refuses to see him, then we will not force her.
Thanks again for your lovely comments.
Take care, my friends. You are the best.
Carol
Bennie
With dementia patients, they don't necessarily deal with current reality. It is hard to differentiate between what they want to know and refuse to acknowledge. It is hard to tell if seeing a picture of a funeral will sustain a memory if they cannot or will not accept it! You'll have to see how your mom is in the a.m.! With dad I never knew.
They told me, after he passed, that they knew he was going to have a bad day if he woke up asking for mom.
M dad mourned his dog more than my mom. And the dog was simply given a new home! He hallucinated more about the dog, too. Mom he would sometimes call to, as if she was in the next room, to talk to her and ask her something.
I kept up their last church formal picture as a couple in his room. He loved it.
With the way the amygdala works (where memories and associations are stored) she may associate the coffin with another funeral and not your dad's! Don't you want to keep a visual record of when he was healthy? I put my favourite photo of dad on the front of my book. He was in the middle of his garden, working away. You could see he was a bit more frail, but it was when he was in the happiest frame of mine.
I look at a ceremony as part of a tradition. A picture should be a celebration of life, strength, loving relationships! My dad passed away two years ago next month (Feb.). I bring out the beautiful moments - like a favourite garment that is to be loved and cherished.
sorry - just /my two cents~
Bennie