I had been taking care of both of my parents for over 2 years. Since my father passed away last year, I have been taking care of my mom. She lives 30 to 1 1/2 hour away from me and for a long time, I have been going to her form 3 to 5 times a week. My mother has dementia and she has many health issues. She used to smoke 1 1/2 packs to 2 packs a day and now with the help of 3 to four aides, she smoke 1 to 3 cigarettes a day. She was in hospital many times in one year! Since she fractured her hip a month after my dad passed away, she cannot walk around and needed to be reminded to use her walker. To make long story short, I am taking in a way taking care of her 24/7. including taking care of her bills. My husband has been unemployed for 2 years and I have some health issues and I am in a sense working full time taking care of mom. I am not getting paid to do this and my family and I are financially strapped! I don't know what to do about this! My sister lives out of country and the original agreement was that we get equal share when mom pass away. I don't think its fair. Also I need to make some money in order to take care of mom! I told my sister that if things heading this way, my family and I can lose our home. She did not say anything nor did say anything to support me. I am so lost and scared and don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions?
You're damn right, lk, you deserve the lion's share of your mom's money if you take this on. You're already paying the woman's bills for God's sake. You deserve every single dime of that back. I've said it before and I'll say it another 1000 times....you do the work, you get the money. You DON'T do the work, you don't get squat. Simple as that in my opinion. Talk to your mom. Tell her to change that will, or else you can't AFFORD to do for her anymore, that you've got to look out for yourself. There is no, let me repeat, NO shame in getting paid for doing the ungodly demanding JOB that you're doing, and it'll just keep on getting harder. Get paid, or tell your mom to go to assisted living or a NH, but make it clear that without compensation for a JOB well done, your services are no longer available. Period. No parent, imo, has any right whatsoever to ask so much of any child without doing what's right by that child. I mean, really?
I also sat down with my parents and sister (lives 1000 miles away) to discuss the situation. We agreed that I should be paid for the time because the needed support / services had grown from approx 10 hours / month to 60+ hours / month.
My parents' attorney recommended payment at a rate comparable to the rate a local home care provider would be paid. At this time, I am receiving payment from the family Trust (inheritance) for services rendered - on going documentation of those services is critical. What ever is left after my parents pass will be split according to their will.
In the meantime, my parents are receiving the support they need. I am paid an equitable amount for those services and not feeling 'dumped on'. My sister is OK with using the Trust to pay (me or a home care provider) for services our parents need.
Here's how you need to look at it. For as long as she lives, your mum's money is her money to be spent on her welfare; it's not yours; ignore it. Literally, pretend it doesn't exist. Plan your own family's finances as well as you can without taking her money into account. And if that means you have to take a job, then more of her money is going to need to be spent on her care because there is only one of you, and you cannot do everything and be everywhere.
By the way, has your mother actually made a legal will? I'm not clear if the agreement you mention is with your mother, or between you and your sister. If your mother's dementia is not too advanced it may be possible for her to amend her will or make one IF SHE WANTS TO. But you yourself could not be involved in making or changing her will because it would be legally and morally indefensible; you would need to find her an independent advisor to help her with this.
Her money, her money, her money. Not yours. Don't forget that bit. I promise, it makes it easier to bear.
Your sister may feel bad about not helping with your mother; or she may not. She's far away from the situation: that could mean it's out of sight and out of mind, or it could be that she worries even more because she doesn't know what's going on. If you normally get on well with her, maybe you could talk to her about how she feels? Give her some sympathy before you expect any back from her. If you've never got on, that's sad but really not a problem you can sort out in the current situation. Be polite. Don't say anything you can't take back. Don't expect more of her than she's realistically going to offer.
There aren't going to be any easy answers. This is a really, really hard situation. Find out if there are any sources of free legal and financial advice in your area; and get professional help to draw up a plan. Try to take care of yourself, decide your priorities and don't beat yourself up for not being an angelic superwoman!
And give yourself credit for being a good, loving daughter. I wish you all the best.
As far as who should get more, I have to agree with ejbunicorn. It's not your decision how the money is divided, it's your mother's, whether it seems fair or not. Now, lkledner, if you feel it is possible, ASK your sister if you can take a small allowance from your mother's money each month to help ease the financial strain. She may say fine and document everything. Then you won't feel so put upon.
Whether we like it not, whether we want to believe it or not, we chose to be in this role. We can all change it tomorrow by saying, no I can't do this anymore and find the resources to care for our loved ones or place them in a home. I know a lot of you aren't going to agree with that, but it's true.
I have been caring for both parents, by myself, no support from two siblings, one trying to steal their money, accessing bank accounts I've had to freeze, accuses ME of stealing their money, and the other sibling just disengaged. I had no idea how much this was going to turn my world, my life and body, upside down. No idea. But here I am, so now I have to deal with it. My husband is not not working right now and I run a small company that helps pay the bills. Two kids in college etc... I don't get paid a penny from my parents money, and the inheritance has already been split three ways straight. They got their money.There are days I'm VERY resentful, exhausted, desperate, and days where I know I will be able to look back and say I did the right thing, I know my parents love me and I have no regrets. We all have our own set of circumstances. So lkledner, if you think you can discuss this with your sister, do so now.
xo
-SS
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