How to tell my sister that I should be paid or get more than 1/2 of the inheritance for taking care of mom?

If your parent has a Will, that will should be honored, no matter what your feelings are about taking care of your parent. A Will is legal, binding, and any one who takes it upon themselves to forgo a parent's last wishes because they believe, for whatever the reason, that they are entitled to more of their parent's assets will have to contest their parent's Will and have the courts decide whether or not you have standing. It's not your decision to make.

It may be tougher, considering your mother's current state, to change her will. But if that's an option, I suggest you have her write a new will, leaving a sum of money specifically for you to acknowledge the sacrifices you made in caring for her. Then, split the estate 50/50. Wording it in that way should prevent your sister feeling slighted (unless she's determined to feel that way). In the olden days, it was common language in wills to leave a specified amount to "whomever took care of me during my last illness." Same idea.
Or, if your mom has enough income, I suggest, as others have, that you determine a fair rate for the care you're providing and have her pay you (in a way that's documented).

I love it when people come on here and go on and on about moral obligation. Sure, most of us are driven by moral obligations. But to those who think we should ask for nothing, when the sick one dies and the caregiver has no money, no place to live, no future means of survival, no relationships because EVERYTHING was sacrificed, maybe YOU can come in and support these folks. Quite obviously, these people don't have these worries. It's a cold world out there, and it's all about the dollars and cents and SENSE.

The "inheritance" is not the issue here - it's your financial survival NOW (not after Mom passes away) Does anyone have your Mom's power of attorney (POA)?? Is mom competent enough to give it to you (even if your sister has it now, your mother can change that!) so you can draw a wage for caring for her? You are speaking as though your sister, even though she is living out of the country, is in charge of everything - not sure if I read that correctly or not, but if that is the case, then that needs to change. Talk to your mother, let her know that you are going to have to get some financial help, or you can no longer care for her. If her dementia is too severe for her to understand that, then you MUST tell your sister exactly that. Do NOT talk to her about the "inheritance" - talk to her about your financial survival NOW. Let her know that if you can not get paid NOW, just like any other caregiver who would be caring for your Mom and expect to be paid, that you will have to start looking for a nursing home for Mom so you can support your family before you are out on the streets.

Scared and all others that think a child should do this for nothing. Just something to think about. For the sake of argument:

Say mom raised you and siblings in the house all of childhood. She made sure everyone knew she never wanted to go to a nursing home. She also has a trust in place that states anyone is to be paid for a service they provide and those monies are to be withdrawn on a monthly basis to pay for her care. One of several siblings steps up to care for mom to keep her in her home. Sibling does this out of love, most would never do this for someone I didn't. To complicate matters, mom develops Alzheimer's and all know that the best place for her is at home.

One of the children does all of the care for mom, give up career, home, family to provide the care. Wouldn't any parent want that child justly compensated, especially if that child does everything? If all shared equally in the responsibilities then that is another story. Other children live in the immediate area and continue on with their lives and careers and family and home but just do not have the time required. That child providing care is not paid because another sibling has POA's and controls all funds.

Wouldn't parent want money to go to family rather than a facility? ie pay for care provided by a child? Even if money is exhausted Medicaid allows payment to family caregiver with a contract in place for a reason. It saves the system money in the long run. There are many misnomers about Medicaid. It is not second class health care. It is the same care that anybody that privately pays would receive. Many nice facilities have a number of Medicaid beds to move private pay residents to when money is exhausted.

The inheritance IS part of it here because in addition to survival now, future survival is also a serious problem. A caregiver may never be able to "catch up" and provide adequately for himself/herself. It's too bad this even has to be considered at all but it's an ugly truth.

I’ve had this discussion with several of my siblings already. My parents collected things to pay for their retirement. I have a couple of siblings who feel that they are entitled to these items before my mom passes away.
I have told all of them that if I have to sell every last thing that they have to get my mom good care, then I will.
Whether that means that I get paid for taking care of her 24/7 or if she is in an assisted living facility. To me it only matters that she is being cared for well. I’m meeting with an attorney tomorrow to iron out the details.
Talking to your mother about it might not help since she does have dementia but you can try.
If you can get an elder attorney (which much of the time they will give you a free consult) if you can get one to advise you on putting together a contract for you to get paid for the hours that you are taking care of her. Present this to your sister. You are doing a job. It isn’t easy. I take care of my mom who has dementia 24/7 and I love her, but it’s a job. It takes away from my income. It’s actually cut it in half. That’s a hard hit to take on one’s family.
I used to drive 11 hours (each way) once a month to go check on my parents because none of my other siblings would. I spent close to $40,000 over the course of 4 years when my dad was ill. I have siblings who say that I spent that money out of the goodness of my heart and that I shouldn’t be reimbursed for any of it. And, I wasn’t reimbursed. That is money I will never see again, but I’m still paying those credit cards off.
I feel that if you are spending that much time taking care of your mom and it is preventing you from getting a full time job, then you should be paid for taking care of her. Even if it is the $10/hour that some of the private pay respite care providers charge. It adds up and will help your family.
You have already mentioned to your sister the inheritance issue. Why not pursue the being paid for your time issue.
There are some states that will pay family members for taking care of the elderly. You can find this out through Medicaid. There are fewer states doing this nowadays without the care receiver being qualified for Medicaid.
If she qualifies for Medicaid (which she may not if there are asset that you are fighting over) then the state will pay you money for caring for her. They prefer that to her going into a nursing home.

Good luck to you. It’s hard when everyone is fighting over money that doesn’t even belong to them yet. I look at it as though it is my mom’s money and I will use it to take care of her the best I can. If there is anything left after that, then it will be split evenly (between 9 siblings here).
Bless you and take care.

If your parent already has a medical condition that compromises his/her ability to make decisions, re-writing your parent's will would be unethical. If, on the other hand, your parent's memory and/or cognitive abilities are not impaired, then your parent may choose to have his/her will changed.

Talk to your sibling or have an intermediary speak with your sibling. Why would your sibling reject the idea of having you draw money from your parent's assets to help care for your parent? As long as your parent's assets are used in the best interest of your parent, your sibling shouldn't have a problem with it. Drawing from your parent's assets, for care giving, is not a violation of trust.

And if you feel you can no longer care for your parent based on the toll caregiving is taking on your life, tell your sibling you can no longer do this, and that other arrangements for care must be made. If you destroy yourself caring for your parent, neither you nor your parent benefit in any way. Getting in-home care assistance, by drawing from your parent's assets, may be one way to get much needed relief. Use of your parent's assets for respite care, is also an option. And if you tell your sibling you're at the end of your rope and simply can't care for your parent any more, your sibling may offer options you've not thought of to provide caregiver relief.

Thanks for all your imputs!

first of all, my mother lives in another state, NYC. The medicaide in her state in far better than in my state. The time to travel is all depends of the traffic. I tried my best not to go during rush hour. NYC traffic is very unpredicatable. My sister and I agreed for now until she can get medicaide, that she is to remain home with the help from the aides 24 hours a day, although we don't know what she will be like a year to 5 years from now. We never know if she going to get sick or hurt herself. Although I hired the aides, my mom rarely go out therefore, I am the one who go food and accessories shopping, take her to doctors, etc. My sister and I are working with elder lawyer for over two years and still havnt set up trusts for mom! Too much long distance communication! Unfortunately, due to my mom dementia, she is not capable to make any type of decisions, so making another will is out of question. I did bring up about getting money to help with my expenses, but the law is against any indirect expenses. I am still working with the lawyer to see if we can be cleared with this. I cannot work for two reasons: One is i have a lot of health issues and to make long story short, I need approximate 5 surgeries! And the other is taking care of my mom is unpredictable! She was hospitized many times and I cannot start a new job and leave everytime something goes wrong with mom! I f I cannot get an allowance as one of you mentioned, then I will have to spend less time with mom and try to find a way to work from home. I hope within the next few days, my sister and I will clear this mess and get started on the trust before the year is out! Thank you all for wonderful support! I am glad that I am not alone in this!

And while speaking of getting other help. In my case that would not be possible. I tried to hire outside caregivers to come in. My mom physically tried to throw one out of the house. She will not go anywhere with strangers, nor will she tolerate one in her home.

So, I take her to a day program that gives me about 30 hours a week. There are caregivers that work 40 hours, but they have other help that can be relied upon. I know several cases where the other caregiver comes in three hours in the morning, transports to day care, comes back to pick up a day care, prepares dinner.... In my area just those six hours, there is a three hour minimum here, would cost $90.00 a day! If the family caregiver is emotionally stable, and patient they are providing care that cannot be bought anywhere! To do so for nothing only benefits other beneficiaries.

The trouble with a caregiver gig is that it turns a person's brains to mush to the point it's hard to figure out WHAT to do.

My suggestion is to step aside from the emotional triggers, eliminate the guesswork and SEE AN ATTORNEY.

Find out exactly where you stand and what it would take to get compensation and perhaps recoup your losses. If you cannot afford an attorney, you can contact your local legal aid group and ask for help.

Blessings for all in this situation and may peace prevail.

"Country Mouse" is right in saying that most likely, a parent will choose to leave any money equally to all children. However, that money also is to be used for the person's care. If it is too hard for you to be the caregiver (and it sounds like your mom has aides that help out with care), then use the money to hire round-the-clock care or for a good nursing home or assisted living placement. You simply can not take care of a parent because you expect to get more of the inheritance.

I am the only child who stepped in to take care of our mother when she got ill. Even though I was the youngest of 3 (by many years!), it still fell to me. When it started I was in a financial situation to help and not worry about reimbusement, but since my husband is now disabled with Early Onset AD, I am left with trying to supplement S.S.D.I and also help out when mom needs it. She is now in skilled nursing under Medicaid, so there is no money left! It is HARD to do it all when there are other siblings, regardless of the reason they don't get involved...I feel you should be paid for the care you give, you can decide what you do and don't do for money. But you should not do it all and get nothing. Be careful however seeking more than half when your mom passes. Even going through jewelry my sister and I got into a fight! It isn't worth it to have that anger linger, so try to get your sister to understand your need/desire to receive more after your mom passes. Best of luck to you.

I agree with Rosetindall.....our freedom is much more important!
Mom's will states everything is to be divided equally among her children (minus the large amounts of money each of them borrowed and never attempted to pay back....except me....I have never borrowed any.....the will states they are to pay this money back or it will be deducted from their share.....and if nothing is left at the end they must still pay it back......but I doubt that will ever happen!

Mom lives with me and my husband. She gives us $300 a month. A pretty good deal considering mom has NO debt and her only monthly expense is health insurance which is around $250. She has plenty saved and invested...in other words, mom is financially stable. This living arrangement has been going on for almost two years. I have DPOA. Mom's lawyer is aware of $300 a month we receive and it's documented in her file.

I'm sure I sound like a broken record because I've made some of these points before. I'm only 46 and my mom is 75. Most of the caregivers I read about are in their 50's and 60's, sometimes 70's taking care of parents who are in their 80's and 90's. I feel young to be a caregiver compared to others on this site. When I think about my mom's negativity about life and how she has chosen to live it (TV is her world) I think to myself "What have I got myself into?" Also, "Do I really want to continue down this path for who knows how many years while mom's dementia progresses?" (She has mild to moderate) Do I want to give up a part of myself to someone who quite frankly wasn't there for me after I turned 18? Who missed out on so much of my life and the lives of her grandchildren because she wanted to....with my dad....."do their own thing?"

So, I've spoken to my siblings and have started the process of looking for assisted living for mom. Soon I will visit some facilities and see what's out there. It doesn't mean I won't visit mom. I will. But I can "get my freedom" back and mom can continue to do what she's been doing......a whole lot of nothing.....and this is her choice......she LOVES doing nothing....and watching negative news on television, over and over! Believe me, I've tried to get her involved! I just don't care to be a part or a witness to that choice any longer. It's sad to see, it really is. Mom didn't even watch her grandchild graduate......TV was more important (shaking my head).

Who knows? Maybe moving to assisted living will force her to be more social, meeting people her age, etc. My biggest fear is she will go downhill in AL and then I will have guilt. At this point, I am willing to take that chance.

I don't care about mom's money! Someone told me the other day "You have done enough." Guess what? This person is so right! It took weeks and months to organize mom's paperwork.....it was a mess when my other sibling was the original POA. I've made meals, give medications three times a day, wash her clothes, answered the same questions over and over (I know she can't help this but, UGH!) I've listened to mom complain about why she needs her hair cut, why she needs a shower, why she needs her hair washed, why she needs to go to the doctors, why she doesn't want to call anyone (like her sibling who ALWAYS has to call her), and holidays are "just another day", blah, blah, blah..........I.have.had.it. She has "stirred the pot" more than once between me and my siblings until the siblings finally had a discussion that we were not going to let this happen anymore. I can only take so much! That and the fact that.....without going into detail.....I have a teenager that requires major surgery next year. I get filled with anxiety thinking about the challenges my child has faced since diagnosis and the pain he endures on a daily basis. I love my mom, but my child will always be my priority 100%!

Bottom line: Mom tells me she's lived her life, she's content to sit around and do nothing, doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything..........won't even make herself a sandwich (guess it takes too long and it's hard for her to stand because she sits all day and then moves to her bed in the evening....muscle weakness) then she should do it somewhere else on her own dime......and she has many dimes. My siblings agree. Negativity brings me down and at this point in my life I don't want to be around it anymore. I have to stay focused and keep my chin up for my teenager!

I will try and make the holidays enjoyable for mom and do my best to get her involved but I'm not bending over backwards......I will focus on my husband and kids! :)

I know mom is going to be upset when we have this talk.....the pouting will begin....and she may not talk to me after she's moved in but I'll have to deal with that like everything else I have to deal with.....one day at a time.

Have a great day everyone!

First get your mother on medicaid. there are 2 types community and regular medicaid for nursing home care. If she makes to much for medicaid. tell them you are going to open up a supplement needs pool trust. there are mulit kinds depending on her assets. talk to an elder care attorney they will direct you in the right direction. Then utilize the medicaid CDPAP program for helping your mom with daily needs and assitance to keep her at home.(if that is what you want) other wise she would be put into assistant living. and you and your husband can get back on track while not neglecting mom. good luck.

Share and share alike is what all non-caregiving siblings would like to do without spending any of the money for care. Share and share alike has more than one connotation when someone requires 24/7 care. Many non-caregiving siblings have a sense of entitlement. Share equally in the responsibility for that care then in the estate when someone passes. Or, have other beneficiaries equally contribute to the expense of providing the care to leave an estate intact.

Ikledner: You have read a lot of opinions on here and unfortunately we have all either felt just like you or we have choked those feelings down and just kept going because no one else was willing to bear the load. I have had a wide swing of feelings myself and I wrestle with the same issues you have mentioned.

I have two sisters who both work jobs and make money each and everyday. They are both paying into Social Security for the future, if it's still there. I too feel like since I am the sole 24/7 caregiver that I should be given a larger share of the inheritance, since I am not being paid a cent to do this. I do however live in her home, pay rent, along with my daughter and one sister but I am the caregiver and have been for 7 years, prior to that it was my father being cared for.

If your mother has a Trust, she probably wrote it up where there were equal shares of the inheritance as mine did. They never took into account any care or expenses that one child might provide over the others. Did your mother give her Durable Power of Attorney to you or your sister? Who calls the shots for Mom's care? I have a feeling your sister may be the one who basically has the power as you have had to go to her for requests. The thing is if Mom does have a Trust you can go to the attorney and ask them to assist you with writing up a form that you are providing care to Mom and she is compensating you. Your sister should have offered to pay you for your services, but they are never going to do it, generally speaking, because that is coming out of Mom's assets which means less money to be divided when Mom dies. If outside help is needed they are fully aware that they must pay for services provided, but when it comes to family providing care they turn a blind eye and feel that you should require no compensation. You mentioned there had been or currently was 3-4 aides....who pays for them?

The thing is you are afraid to come straight out and tell your sister that you want compensation, so you "beat around the bush" and tell her how financially strapped you are and how you may lose your home. If you truly are providing 24/7 care to your mother, then you need to contact your sister and tell her..."Patty I am now providing 24/7 care for Mom, which means that two of the aides are no longer here and I am driving back and forth, I believe that for the care I am giving Mom at this time I should be compensated $--- per hour for the work I am doing. I am going to the attorney and having him draw up a form for my compensation. Although I have been providing care for free for # of months, I can no longer financially afford to keep doing this."

You are going to have to ask for COMPENSATION FOR YOUR CURRENT WORK, I do not believe your sister will agree to pay you a larger portion of Mom's inheritance, but the compensation now is what you may get.

I do not know financially how much money your mother has, but if your mother's illness becomes much worse and she needs to go into a nursing home, will she ever need to go on Medicaid? You need to think about that because they basically have to spend down all their money on their care until they have only $2,000, so you will not have any "inheritance" left, therefore it is better to take the compensation for work performed NOW. If you think you can take her money and hide it, forget about it, they do a 5 year look back on all income and expenses, they will make you account for every cent.

It is better to take compensation for the work you are performing now, than to hope there will be money left when Mom dies so you can have half of the inheritance.

By the way, since your Mom has dementia, she can no longer make changes to her Trust, therefore the DPOA is who is in charge. I urge you to ask for the compensation now for the care you provide.

Wow! alot of different views! me personally I suppose its different my mum has helped me out financially when i couldnt work due to an accident. I dont expect her to leave me a bigger inheritance BUT i will be asking for a small weekly salary and if my siblings have a problem with that then they can stuff their inheritance and mum goes into a NH which will take big chunk of it!
As a fulltime carer and a VERY selfish family who do zip I would expect siblings who have done nothing to care for their parents to give the carer something out of their inheritance for all the hard work that they couldnt have been bothered to do?
If anyone knows of any sibling who has done this out of the kindness of their heart let me know!!!!!
I agree that a will is our parents wishes and should be respected wouldnt it be nice though if the siblings just gave the carer something back?
I know I wouldnt have a problem giving them something if the tables were turned but then thats why im the carer because im the one with a heart!
I dont think money can make up for peace of mind and id prefer to have no money than live with the guilt of never being there for mum!

Wow a lot of discussion on a very touchy subject!

Your Mom's money is indeed hers while she is alive. If she is mentally competent, you should discuss with her (and also, possibly, her attorney if she has one) a fair amount you should be paid for your work. This is perfectly fair and reasonable, as long as you can document your hours and expenses, and as long as your Mom has the funds. Make sure you have a written agreement. If she is short of cash but owns a home outright, it may be possible for her to obtain a reverse mortgage in order to pay you for your services.
And if your Mom doesn't have a will, she sure needs one. Personally, I think it's less likely to create problems between you and your sister in the future, if the will is divided equally, but in the meantime you've been paid for your services, than if the will is restructured with your Mom's agreement, to give you more from the will, but not pay you for services now.
Reading the answers above, it is clear that a lot of bitterness is left when hard-working caregivers get nothing for their services.

This is total insanity what everyone is talking about and it revolves around the money. Elder parents need the care that they are entitled to whether they have the money or not and that's why they have Medicaid in the country. Yes there is a 5 year look back but as long as the money went to the parents care they will qualify for it. You guys are playing the victim role and this is exactly what happens to you when your caring for your parent. The insanity kicks in from all of the 24/7 home care that you are doing for your elderly parent and killing yourselves. It's called go find a facility for your parent and go get a life for yourself..don't mean to upset anyone but this is what it's all about if you continue to care for someone. All I'm hearing in this forum is all about the money...

I agree rosetindall I am only looking after mum until this progresses and I cant cope anymore I am not going to put my life on hold for years while my siblings take the piss. So far its hard but mum is still washing,dressing etc...ill know when enough is enough what I hope for is mum will be further on with this illness when I do put her into a NH but who knows whats going to happen and how much I will be able for later. My mum would never want me to give up my life to look after her she would want me to be happy not miserable so i have zero guilt about a NH when the time comes. And I really admire anyone who has cared for their parent until the end at home but thats a personal choice it will be hard to put mum in a NH and break my heart but my health and future are important too! As ive said before caring for mum is hard dealing with siblings is where all the crap and stress happens!
As ive posted here once before a hospice worker said live on TV that when you become a cargiver your relationship with that parent changes when they are in AL or NH you can become their son and daughter again! This is so true I look forward to when I visit mum bring her out spend as much time as is healthy for me to do BUT still have my own life to switch off to!

so ......mom took care of her children and spent tons of time & money...WHO ever is caring for mom now hardships and all ...there reward will not be here but in heaven.....this from someone that has been there..you will sleep well when this nightmare is over....bless your heart

Talk to a elder attorney. They can help you with that decision and help protect you from a sibling that may not be as helpful. We have our parent in skilled care facility, but we go about everyday to check on his well being, we handle any requests he wants done, attend dr. AppStore as needed, pay his bills, review all the medical claims to make sure they are being paid correctly. This does take up a lot of time. We struggled with taking payment, but when our fuel bill doubled and sometimes ate out on the run so we could get up to see him before bedtime which started eating into our expenses every month. After talking to a elder care attorney, it is most common to be paid by the hour for these services. It doesn't matter what your sibling thinks, it is what is right under the law. You should not have to be out money when others in the family are not helping. Good luck.

I'll tell her for you.

Um, people, is there perhaps a happy mean between owing your parents nothing and wiping yourself out as some kind of grand sacrificial gesture? And thanks, standingalone, being told I'm stupid really helps - but I get enough of it from my sister. One of us doesn't work, doesn't need to work, has a $2million house with an unoccupied ensuite guest room on the ground floor and cast-iron financial security. See if you can guess - is she also the one who's caring for our mother full-time? That would be, no. But hey she's doing a great job of managing the money! So that's all right then.

Actually it is all right because I suspect my mum would rather die than live there, and I'm sure my sister feels the same. Fair enough.

When it comes to caregiving, do it or don't do it, but don't blame other people for the choices you make and for God's sake don't do it for the reward, material or spiritual, because if that's your motivation you are begging to be disappointed.

Wow! This whole conversation has turned ugly! My mother passed away three months ago. my husband and I put up with the incessant yelling because my mother had a brain bleed which affected her like a TBI. The yelling was an involuntary behavior that she couldn't control. I tried putting her in AL but they kicked her out after three weeks because she was disrupting everything and everyone. I brought her back home and we dealt with her decline for months until she passed away. I think if she would have been in a NH, she would have been ignored because of her obnoxious uncontrollable behavior and drugged into oblivion. Although the last months were difficult, there were precious times that we shared. My mother had the same idea to share 50/50 with my brother and she never considered any compensation for me, and my brother didn't consider it either. But I did and spoke with my brother who said it would be okay for us to make the will be 60/40. The lawyer made it 2/3 for me and 1/3 for the brother. Everyone's situation is different and the care should always come first. I thank God that I was able to care for my Mom, even though I didn't think I could, nor did I want to, and for the most part, she made my life emotionally difficult because she felt as if I owed this care to her. No one said life would be easy, and I am still trying to recover from the two years of caring for her, I wouldn't change anything and realized that God's Grace was sufficient to give us the strength that we all needed for her end of life care. I had all the emotional issues that people have described in this thread. But trust me when it's over, it's over. Because of my experience, I will make certain that whomever takes care of me at the end will be compensated fairly! God does give us the spiritual blessings to get us through life's challenges. May the peace of The Lord be with each and everyone of you.

Yes, God does work in mysterious ways for sure, me I am waiting on a sign, I would settle for a houseplant bursting into flame.

Madeaa, that made me lol. :)

I am executor of my mother's will, an heir and her DPOA. Guess what? Her assets will be used to pay for her care first. If there is anything left over when she passes then I will distribute the remainder of her estate according to the will. There is no guarantee of an inheritence just because there is a will in place. If she needs caregiving before she dies, it will be financed with her assets by what ever means are utilized. Having DPOA ensures that neither my sisters or I go into financial hardship providing for her care, but it also means less of an inheritence for us, which we all agree with. In today's economy and people living longer legacies are a thing of the past except for the very rich!

The command is to live others as you love yourself. There are many ways to care for someone. Find the one that works for you. If parents are so into sacrificing for the sake of their children, they wouldn't mind if their children could find them a safe home with professional caregivers. Assisted living or NH.