It has been a while now since my mother passed from Alzheimer's.
I remember the hardest things for me was not that she suffered Alzheimer's but rather confronting my own awareness that I didnt wish to care for her, and that this was due to the abusive childhood I suffered and estranged adult relationship. There just wasnt a relationship there. It was painful to confront those bad memories and the realisation that I didnt really have a family, which was something I did not really think much of or often as it had been pushed aside in my mind. There was lots of pressure from other wider network family members who seemed shocked that I didnt adhere to the requests to caregiving time or money. I ended up providing some care, although it was more once every couple of weeks. And didnt provide any money. People were judgmental but they didnt know the reasons and rather saw it through their own lived family experience rather than mine. When she passed I didnt feel sad. Rather, I was relieved that her suffering was at an end. I didnt really feel like I had lost a mother as I never really thought much of having had one. Has anyone else had this kind of experience?
I can identify with you. My dad is now in a care facility and I always feel judged. I was told recently that people have been asking why wasn't I taking care of him? In fact I have been talked about all over town and I admit that it hurts that people I know would say such things, but they do not know the history. I had an unpleasant childhood because of his treatment of my mom and I. My mom died many years ago and I stepped in to help him. But with his physical limitations and etc., I could no longer help him. It was the expectation that I would quit my job and sell my house to become his full time caregiver. I also know that deep down, he is upset with me and does not think I should be working. He actually told me once that my only job should be taking care of him. I know that people are also shocked that I'm not his caregiver.
Other people are on the outside looking in. One of the first things I read when I joined this forum was that everyone's situation is different. Some people are able to care for their parents and some are not. Also, when we help them get placed into a care facility, that IS helping them. I would say to try your best to ignore those people because it is none of their business.
I have an old child hood friend that lives near mom. Every so often she calls me and vents her life, then she ask how mom is. Then she says do you really think your mom should be alone as much as she is. My response now compared to a year ago is much different.
I say of course NOT, but I have no power, after the hurt she caused me I can only be there so much before it effects my mental health. I'm not doing that to myself anymore, why don't you visit her if your worried.
Most people that give bad advice are thinking of themselves. They are thinking who is going to take care of me, who is going to keep me out of the nursing home. There in no way thinking of you.
Some are more good in there heart and are missing there loved ones and it comes out as well meaning horrible advice. They mean well , in a way but they need to think about the caregiver also.
Honestly know one I know thinks about what there going through, they all think about there problem. So best to not even bring the subject up.
Let go of the guilt.
The flying judgmental monkeys will fly away once a parent is gone . They feel they are superior to you. Yet they are clueless .
I took care of my parents for a long time before placing them . Siblings did not help and criticized when I placed them .
My advice is , ignore the flying monkeys during caregiving , because they will ignore you once the parent is gone . Don’t waste your time on any of their nonsense . Don’t let them take up space in your head .