I'm putting this in Burnout, b/c it will be seen by more people--and it does relate to CG--
I have a 'friend' (we USED to be friends, but she was just too screwed up to deal with and I had to 'break up' with her--nevertheless I still care about her).
She is 70. She has 'temporary custody' of 3 grandchildren ages 12, 11 boys and a 7 yo girl. One son, father of the kids. Mother is in and out of jail in another state.
This 'family' lived in her basement apartment for some years and the father got his CDL and left to work in the oilfields. Mother spent her days doing online porn and meth. One day, she simply split. Took the kids and disappeared. "L" was concerned but not frantic until she got a call 6 months later that the kids had been abandoned in a trailer miles from nowhere and the parents were nowhere to be found. CPS in this state moved them into foster care--where they thrived and were very happy.
Gma decides she is going to bring the kids back here and raise them on her own. At that time her husband was living and was willing to do so.
Brings the kids back here with the 'temporary' custody tag on them. State can't find the parents.
Long story short, her hubby is killed in a one car rollover and she is left with no income except her small pension from her Navy years. Parents are MIA. Basically, she is broke.
A couple of years ago, she finally tracks down her son, and asks him what to do with the kids. He says he will come home and work and they'll be a 'family'. Of course, he never shows up and she cannot contact him, he never sent her a dime.
She decided that she had to sell her home and get the kids in foster care, as they were proving too hard for her to handle. BUT, she never does anything. She still planned to sell her home, and so neighbors and friends rallied (and I admit, I was the ringleader in doing all this as she could not make decisions). We had the entire house packed into 2 HUGE moving pods and the garage was completely filled waiting for the 3rd pod--and her son surfaces again and demands she stay in the house. So she does. He disappears again and she moves the kids and her into the 1000 sf basement and they rent out the upstairs.
Not going to get into how much money I spent helping her--that's water under the bridge--but I told her, when she moved back into the house I could NOT help her anymore. She was making terrible choices and the kids were becoming worse and worse behaved.
She has been working FT as a teacher's aide since Jan 1. Been sick the entire time and worn out. She gets calls daily from the principals of both schools about the kids' horrible behavior. (And they truly are the worst kids I've ever seen-and that's saying a lot).
Took her dinner the other night as she had a drs appt. I went into the apartment and was immediately assaulted by the dog (some idiot gave them a labradoodle(?) anyway, it's ENORMOUS and untrained, so poops and pees wherever. There are dirty clothes and food boxes all over. There was nowhere for me to set a casserole dish. Literally, not one clean surface. The cat litter box is in the kitchen and it is overflowing with cat poop and is spread all over the place as the dog runs through it, I guess. It was so utterly filthy and disgusting. Dishes overflowing the sink, dishes on the floor---truly one of the worst homes I have ever seen.
OK, this is NOT the first time I've walked in her place and found it in this same state. But something just hit me in the gut. She's 70. Her health is tanking. People have helped her to the point that we are ALL burned out and she is not grateful.
My question and after writing all this, (seems that I have already answered it)--do I anonymously call CPS and turn her in?
Am I a horrible person for feeling this is well beyond her scope? I'm not getting involved again--but something has to be done.
If you read this entire post, I thank you. I don't want to see her have MORE drama.
I don’t blame you for cutting ties. Many of us have had to cut ties with certain people in certain situations. I have tried to help a friend who fell down cement stairs and injured their back.
She asked me to go back and forth to an attorney to get disability. I went for moral support. It took her several attempts before succeeding.
I hung in there with her. She got hooked on opioids and Xanax. When she crashed her car through her hair salon window, I decided that she is going to have to completely hit rock bottom before asking for help, if she doesn’t die first.
I don’t think people can be helped if they aren’t ready to receive help. It’s incredibly sad. Best wishes to all of them, especially the children.
Help the children out. Call CPS for them but the adults have to want to change or be forced by law enforcement to change.
Yes and make that call immediately after reading this!
Boundaries up, and back away.
1) to protect yourself;
2) to get the children the help they need
(by backing away, you stop supporting a sinking ship with a bucket to bail water, and let the Coast Guard do their job.)
3) You can report her as a vulnerable adult to APS.
4) If you want this situation to be explored by the appropriate authorities, you could start by calling Animal Control and report neglect of an animal? This is a low-key way to have eyes on the scene, mandated reporters.
5) There are family" - "grandparents" on the mother's side of the family? CPS could reach out.
You have done a great kindness so far for your "friend", it is people like you who make the world a better place.
If I were you I'd engage a social worker one on one and let them know about the situation. Tell him or her what you've shared here. Intervening is the only chance any of them will have at having a shot at life. Bless you, bless your friend, bless the animals, bless the children. I pray for a miracle on behalf of this situation.
In addition, the health of everyone will be affected if changes aren't made.
It may be that she's so overwhelmed that it's difficult if not impossible to make decisions. So I would help her and call in reinforcements before the situation deteriorates any more. Sometimes people just need a little bit of guidance or outside help to redirect the path they're on.
The parents clearly are out of the picture, so they're not a consideration. And at 70 (which really isn't old but is too old to be bringing up 3 kids), that's got to be a real challenge for her. The condition of the house suggests as well, and that the path is a downward one for her as well as the children and animals.
And kudos to you for sticking with her for so long and for having the compassion and strength to help her while you yourself were dealing with your own health challenges.