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Please understand, DH’s body is frail. I have a good 20 lbs on him and I am strong and much younger. However, his hands and arms are stronger than mine and his rage was irrational and real.
I did not fight back much. He was restraining me, not hitting, but it could have been so much worse. He kept saying, “Now let’s just calm down.” This happened while he wrestled me to the bed and then the floor, held the back of my collar and wouldn’t let me go. I do not know how it would have ended if I had not had my phone in my pocket and a dear neighbor who rushed through the front door minutes after I texted help. DH immediately deflated and she calmed him within 5 minutes. Why couldn’t I?



5 hours in the ER and all tests were negative, which is good news and bad news - no apparent cause and nothing to cure. By the time we got home from the hospital he was hungry and as docile as a lamb.
It all feels so overly dramatic and surreal now. He would never hurt me, he’s been my provider and protector through so much for so long. Right?
It’s nearly 1am and he’s sleeping peacefully. He remembers nothing about what happened. I’m eating ice cream out of the carton.

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Update: I was offered a few moments with the hospital social worker last night which I gratefully accepted. I took every resource she made available, so today I read.
“Calming” medication is waiting at the pharmacy. PCP visit is next week and neuro-psyche evaluation is the week after. My goal by then is to have firmed up arrangements for his move. The social worker said private pay situations tend to move pretty quickly around here. We’ll see. I know I can’t keep him home anymore and frankly, I don’t want to, even as sweet and gentle as he is this morning.
My attorney visit isn’t until January unfortunately, but it’s mostly for a “check-up” of work already done and to tweak it to accommodate long term care.
A little piece of me is glad this happened the way it did even though it still seems like I’m playing a part in someone else’s life.
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AlvaDeer Dec 6, 2024
You are on this.
I am so glad.
You're doing everything right.
Heart out to you, P.
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"He would never hurt me, he’s been my provider and protector through so much for so long. Right?"

Wrong. He just did. Dear Peasuep, let that register: HE HURT YOU.

You aren't safe with him now. The changes in his brain are still there. That won't improve. Please take steps to protect yourself. I am so sorry, but a line has been crossed, and you know what you need to do. Sending hugs....
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I do hope placement happens asap.
My sister with Lewy Body was recently placed . She lived with her son ( my nephew) who is a foot taller than her. She had grabbed his wrists a couple of times with such strength , one time he had to pull her to the floor to break free .

He was uncomfortable at home with her as she was getting more agitated, especially at night . He was afraid to go to sleep . I had told him to take the knives , scissors etc . out of the kitchen.
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Peasuep Dec 6, 2024
I’m sorry Way. That a son has to go through this with his mother is heartbreaking.
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He not only can hurt you, he can kill you.
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Peasuep Dec 6, 2024
I know. I think I know. So why did the whole thing feel like a director was going to yell “cut” at any moment?
It was really the oddest thing Ive ever experienced in my life. I swear he could have strangled me with my sweatshirt collar and I wouldn’t have believed it was really happening until I was dead. I didn’t, for one second, fear for my life, I just remember thinking Oh! it sure wouldn’t take much to push this situation over the edge! Bizarre.
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It's very hard to believe that dementia can destroy a good, loving man's brain to the point he'd wrestle you to the ground and assault you. But that's what's happened here. The man you love is no longer in control of his emotions or his thoughts. Tomorrow he could decide, God forbid, that you're cheating on him and need to have the tar beaten out of you. This is how a diseased brain works: with no rhyme or reason.

You will either be forced to live in fear in your own home, or to place DH in Memory Care Assisted Living where you get to spend time with him on YOUR terms in a public place.

In the meantime, call his doctor to discuss medication stat. And remove knives, guns, and sharp objects from the house. Allow only yourself access to the knives and scissors. It only takes one moment of rage for him to lose it. This has nothing to do with "love" but with disease.

I'm so sorry Pea. Sending you love and hugs and prayers right now.
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Peasuep Dec 7, 2024
Thanks Lea, DH “lost” the key to the gun safe in our move 3 years ago and alas, they remain missing (to him) to this day.
Sharp objects could be a problem.
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(((((((hugs))))) The shock makes it feel like it's unreal. We go into a form of denial. But, you know rationally that it did happen.

"He would never hurt me, he’s been my provider and protector through so much for so long. Right?"

Wrong! He could. He is no longer the man that provided for you and protected you.

Dear Psue. My heart goes out to you. I know you know he has to be placed. Please take measures to be sure you are safe in the meanwhile. None of us want something bad to happen to you.
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Peasuep Dec 7, 2024
Thank you Golden, I’ve got to say how very fortunate I feel to have found you and all the rest of the wise people on this forum before things got to this point. I can’t imagine someone going through a night like that without people to share it with.
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(((((Psue))))) Thinking of you and your hub this morning. Prayers for protection for you and him from this dreadful disease and for this transition to go smoothly.
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If you don't get him put him in a home, you should at least see the doctor immediately and have him put on some type of medication. My mother stopped behaving crazy after 12 hours on her medicine. My mother was frail and only 90 pounds, we were not in the physical danger you are in. I was able to manage while my mother freaked out and thought we were trying to kill her. If my husband did that, I would not be able to handle him.

Don't wait until he completely freaks out before getting the medicine or getting him placed.
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Your post had me remembering this video, I think it has some very good insight into the challenges you might be facing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqxclbpbadM&t=4s
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Peasuep Dec 6, 2024
Really helpful video, cwillie. Thank you for recommending. There are differences of course, but lots of similarities too.
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PLEASE take this incident to heart and begin looking for a facility that can safely care for him.
What would have happened if you did not have your phone?
What would have happened if he had pushed you down the stairs?
Who would have cared for you (if you survived)?
Who would have cared for him if you were in the hospital or dead?
When you next see your doctor and they ask "that question"... "Are you safe at home" what will your answer be?

A friend of mine went through several episodes, was stoic about it and kids did not believe dad would do something like that.
She has permanent back issues and they are getting worse....
She woke one night, her husband had one hand wrapped around her throat and a knife in the other hand ready to stab her.
Her kids at last believed her and he was placed in MC shortly after.

PLEASE do not wait.
OH, talk to his doctor about this incident and medications if he is on any may need to be adjusted.
Most facilities will not accept a resident if there have been any reports of violence in the past 60 to 90 days.
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Peasuep Dec 7, 2024
Yikes! I didn’t know that about the wait period! That is not helpful at all! I’m with you and everybody else on this - nobody is going to get a chance to do this to me twice if I have anything to say about it. I can’t be anything less than completely honest with the facility, for everyone’s safety, so chances are I may have to watch my back for a couple months.
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