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My MIL had LDB. My FIL had ALZ. And my husband is maybe starting to show possible MCI. We'll know more in the first of next year as to whether or not it is dementia or something else altogether.
However, in a fit of my recent insomnia, as I was remembering some conversations between hubby and I about driving as a privilege that has to be earned and not a right, it suddenly hit me -- between business and personal we have access to many, many vehicles and each have three sets or more of keys! There is no way to remove keys and/or disable them all.
I remember the huge battles with both FIL and MIL to stop driving. Anticipating a repeat with future hubby independence loss, any ideas or suggestions I can put in my tool kit for future use with many, many vehicles at his disposal?
TIA

I do not know what MCI is.
If he could cause harm to himself or others driving, then he must stop.
Somehow, you need to find ways. There are ways to remove keys and/or disable a car. You have to do what you have to do. Contact a local Alzheimer's Association or other dementia support organizations and ask them for advice.

It sounds like you have made your decisions already - figuring there is nothing you can do. Perhaps get rid of all the cars. Why do you have / need more than one? If he is unable to function, he shouldn't 'be' in business and/or have a need to drive.

I know these situations are not easy - they are difficult.
You must keep your focus on what could possibly happen - he could kill someone in the car and others outside.

Do not argue.
Dis-engage the cars.
Sell the cars.
You do what you have to do.

Gena / Touch Matters
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The best thing that happened for me was to have a physician revoke my mother's license rather than me have to take her keys. It has been two years and she is still angry at that doctor, but not at me. She understands that she could lose all her assets or go to jail if she drives and has an accident and hurts/kills someone, so she doesn't. How do you think your husband will respond? About the keys, can you use some sort of organizing lock box to store them?
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Reply to GenXsandwich
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TouchMatters Nov 20, 2024
Yes, and some people drive anyway - with a license or not.
There are ways to manage keys. I think selling the 'many' cars.
Have one set of keys for one car.
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All I can really suggest is that you talk to your hubby now about it, especially if he is aware of something not quite right with his thinking, which caused you to set that medical evaluation appointment for him. Remind him of the prior struggles with relatives over no longer being safe to drive. If he can, have him help you come up with a plan. Then follow that plan, no matter what. My husband willingly gave up driving when he could not feel his feet due to neuropathy. But several years later when his reasoning skills were impaired, he insisted he could drive again. For me, luckily he had difficulty walking and needed help getting to and into a vehicle. I refused to help - our problem solved, but he was very very angry at me. I know you will have more to deal with, since you have not said your hubby's mobility is impaired. If your hubby's reasoning gets more impaired, he will fuss at you, but you can hold strong knowing he won't injure or kill himself or anyone else in a motor vehicle accident.
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TouchMatters Nov 20, 2024
Likely the husband will resist 110%.
This is one of the most difficult behaviors to give up - ability to drive.
Of course, it depends on the medical provider's diagnosis.
If dementia, there is no reasoning (as you were able to do.)
Some people cannot understand that they can no longer be safe driving and so they resist, argue, scream, and more. No one wants to lose their independence and this is a huge one. I would say you were VERY FORTUNATE that your husband handled it as he did (and had the cognitive abilitiy to do so). My sense is that this writer needs to know she can make changes / decisions, even if that means selling the 'many cars' available to them ... and that doesn't make sense to me as this wasn't clarified / explained ... why so many cars?
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If you have 49 cars as a business hangover, you probably have the same problem we had with a farm and a large amount of mechanical equipment which was actually more relevant to my husband as a retired engineer rather than to normal farm business. We had tax deductions on the equipment because it was depreciated as farm equipment, and I had to sort all that out. We cancelled our business tax number before the farm clearing sale (220 on-line auction lots), so we didn’t have to levy tax on the sale equipment. We only have one tractor left down at a neighbors place near the sold farm, and the rest has come up here and is being installed in a new huge shed (as is required by a retired engineer, naturally). None of this Australian tax stuff is likely to be at all relevant to you – I think I’m writing it down just so that you know that getting rid of 49 cars strikes a cord, and that someone else appreciates that it may not be a simple case of ‘sell them’. DH’s driving ability probably isn’t your only problem!
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Been there, done that, and like your thinking, it was a process that took advanced planning, research, discussion, and self/other introspection and evaluation.

My father had open heart surgery in his 60s and many strokes in the following decade of his life. He would not give up driving willingly. I got a call in the middle of the night from his former employer's night watchman. Dad had gotten the keys and driven there, in his pajamas, thinking he still worked there. Mom finally locked up the keys in a combination locked box.

With my husband, it was more involved but resolved with mutual agreement and participation.

First, we chatted generally, like you have, about the importance of safety and skills needed to drive responsibly. Then I shared stories I'd heard about dangerous things that actually happened when older drivers wouldn't give it up.

In the car I'd mention my fears as he tailgated or took chances with passing, etc. Eventually, I convinced him to let me be designated driver at all times. After that transition, we sold or donated extra vehicles (he was proud to find and give the donation).

Then, I helped him understand that all he needed was a formal non-driving ID, issued by the DMV. I let him know how relieved I'd be if he'd get one, ensuring safety for both of us. I took care to research and explain that it is universally accepted, and would make the appointment for him.

I'm sure this scenario may not match your circumstances, but if he's open to some persuasion, he may even come to regard becoming a "passenger-only" rider if he knows he has you or other sources as reliable drivers.
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When I took my mom's car keys, she had a key smith come over and make new keys. When I fixed the car, so it would not start she had a mechanic come over and fix the car. When the police informed her should cannot drive, she continue drive, because she was a great driver. When car insurance was cancelled, she did not care, because should would never would be in car accident. When I informed her she could lose her house if she was in accident, she didn't care. Yes my mother has dementia and the doctor told her she can't drive anymore, she didn't believe him. She was a nurse and knew more than the doctor.

In time, I was able to resolve this issue, but it took time....
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Reply to Circlepi2
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I've hidden the keys. My wife has a set of keys but not for our cars. She tries almost daily to get in and drive. Tough for you with so many vehicles, but give him some keys to try. She tires and comes back in the house. We've also had local police and doctor to tell her that she cannot drive. She doesn't remember, but you are not the bad guy if you need to tell him. As others said, very important to have others to blame so that you are not arguing with him. You can even offer to call them (like tomorrow) to see if they will change their restriction.
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Reply to MikeinTexas
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Seems like it would be a good idea to "sell" the extra vehicles now as a way to "save money" on car insurance since you probably only need 1 vehicle - yours.
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swmckeown76 Nov 19, 2024
We sold my late husband's car to our next-door neighbors so their teenage son would have a car to drive to his part-time job and to help out his grandmother on the weekends. My husband wasn't initially thrilled, but he really liked these neighbors and eventually accepted it. I did have to hide the keys to my car. I hid them in a locked jewelry box (I had the only key) and he never guessed they were there.
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MyNameIsTrouble: Perhaps you can sell some of the vehicles. Also, sleep is essential to your wellbeing.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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While you can still think clearly you need to legally draw up a durable power of attorney and a medical power of attorney. This person you choose should be able to make good decisions without too much emotional stress. It could be a relative, an attorney, a very trusted friend, or business partner. You need to make sure your estate and will is drawn up and kept current. You need to seek an elder attorney now while your husband can help make the decisions - though when it has to happen he will not have the mental ability to see it for himself and it could be very difficult anyway. You have to be smart and be proactive in what the rest of your lives will look like. Do it now before something happens to you and somebody else is left holding the bag. And it will happen to you. We all get older and our bodies only get worse, our brains less capable, and our decisions inadequate. Do it now. Today. Call an attorney. Just do it.
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Reply to RetiredBrain
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You and Your Hubby can open a used car lot and sell 48 vehicles! First, identify the keys to each vehicle to get them rolling. Find a way to disable all vehicles until all are gone, including the 49th one. Good Luck!
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Reply to Patathome01
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Is there a reason some of the vehicles can't be sold? How many vehicles are you talking about? What kinds of vehicles?

The minute you think hubby becomes unsafe to drive, ask your primary doctor to order a virtual driving assessment through their OT dept. If he fails, then you are not the one to be the "bad guy" cancelling his license (the OT reports it to his primary who reports it to the Dept of Public Safety who then sends out a letter of license cancellation).

But the problem of vehicle access still remains. The more vehicles that are in play, the more complicated it becomes for you.

You can look into keyless entry installation. No more keys to get into vehicles, only a keypad with a programmable entry code (hint: you control the code and can change it so he can't get into the vehicle).

I don't know how much it costs to install and I don't have one myself, but it would mean you wouldn't have to be hiding keys or disabling cars, you'd just need to deal with his anger when you tell him you "don't remember the code to get in".
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MyNameIsTrouble Nov 13, 2024
Yes, things have become extremely complicated. Nothing in our planning prepared me for this particular dilemma as this has grown out of years of structure that is now starting to strangle.

"Is there a reason some of the vehicles can't be sold? How many vehicles are you talking about? What kinds of vehicles?"

Answers, in order...

Kinda/sorta/maybe. Most are designated within the partnership/business/not-for-profit business assets groupings. I'll have to work with an attorney to find out what can be done to untangle the personal and business interests.

At any given time, +/- ten. Hubby worked in the industry and at one time oversaw a fleet of 49. So the current situation is really just an extension of his career.

While it varies, the majority are standard cars and pick-ups. All are older, drive-able, keyed models. A couple of specialty ones.

You've given me some ideas. Thanks.
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Hide the keys in empty tampon boxes.

Men will never touch those.
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Geaton777 Nov 12, 2024
I used to hide my snacks in there so my husband wouldn't eat them all.
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So along with so many storage lockers for our "stuff" there is this problem with cars.

I am kind of kidding here, but I doubt any of us can come to your house and hide the keys to all the cars. I think you are on your own with great hiding places. I recommend hollowed out novels your husband and all others would never DREAM of touching. And do label them.
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MyNameIsTrouble Nov 13, 2024
Hubby worked in the industry and at one time oversaw a fleet of 49. So the current situation is really just an extension of his career. This is probably one of those things that can't be fixed but I want to give it my best to at least try to plan out SOMETHING ahead and not panic when the poo hits the fan.
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