I have been looking at some of the other articles on this. When we had dad over for Christmas yesterday (he lives on his own with the help of caregivers), he brought up the fact he would really like to go see his nieces and nephews this spring. The car trip would be a minimum of 4 hours on a good day, but potentially looking at 5-6 hours on a bad traffic day. He uses a walker and this would require multiple rest stops. He is very, very frail. I really, REALLY don't want to do this. Just spending every Saturday afternoon with him is exhausting to me. There's the med management situation plus the care of his legs (he's diabetic). He said he would pay for a place for us to stay but I don't want to share a hotel room with him and he would be very confused on his own. I just don't think he could do it. Possibly one of them would let us stay. His grown nieces and nephews are pushing him to get me to take him up there (I am the only one here in town with him - I've been managing his care for almost 4 years and was recently awarded guardianship). They have not seen him for many years and I'm afraid they don't realize how frail he has gotten. My sister lives there and suggested that possibly her daughter could meet me half way and they could take him the rest of the way and manage him for an overnight stay to give me a break. I did read in one of the articles to talk to his doctors. I could run this by his geriatric psych and primary care doctor if you think that would be good. I am at a loss and maybe I'm worrying about this all too soon but I really don't want to do this but feeling like I don't have a choice.
Consider having loved ones come to your dad, not you taking your dad to them. If your dad likes to look forward to special days, explain to him (after you can make arrangements) that on this Saturday (or whenever) so and so will be coming to celebrate time with him. My dad liked to look forward to special occasions, so telling him ahead of time was half of the fun for him. Granted, as his dementia increased this didn't always work, because he forgot by the day it was time, but for the times he remembered, he would seem excited and would talk about who all was coming to see him.
All visitors would be most welcome, of course.
And, perhaps, one of them could pop along to their grandparents' graves, lay some fresh flowers and send a picture.
Feeling like you don't have a choice... Look. You have been doing this job on your own for four years. There may be very good reasons for that which are nobody's fault and nobody is blaming anybody. But for the family to *add* to your workload - not to mention the strain on your father - is unreasonable and unrealistic. Let them down as gently as you can but do be clear about the realities.
I never told Mom anything in advance. Actually, if she didn't ask where we were going, I didn't say anything till we got there. They have no perception of time. So telling them an hr, tomorrow, next week means nothing.
Do regular online video calls so that he can see them and they can interact with Dad. It will make his day, and it will let them see just how challenging this is for you to care for him.
My daughters do weekly FaceTime with my mother so she sees her great-grand children. She reads them books, which they like. She is very hard of hearing and has mild dementia, so this works out better than direct interaction. She has a new great-granddaughter in another country so seeing her online weekly is the only way she can meet her and watch her grow. It's not the same as a hug but it works.
Babs75.. you should not travel far with your Dad, I agree with everyone that is saying that.
As a result of these kind of experiences the last few months, our family has even decided not to take my mother to see her own mother in Wisconsin (whose health is failing quickly) one more time, as it would be a huge financial, logistical and emotional investment for all of us with ultimately little to no emotional meaning to her (or my grandmother who also has a milder case of dementia).
And all of these situations have been with my 76 year old mother, who is in good physical health, other than her impaired cognitive state.
I would strongly affirm those who have said that anyone who loves your father, and wants HIM to have a good experience and visit, will take the time and effort to come to him, for his sake, not yours.
Travel with a person with dementia is difficult and if you have to stay in a hotel it is even more so. Persons with dementia NEED consistency and travel disrupts that. A night or more in a hotel may be pretty frightening, nothing is where it should be, the bed is not yours, the rest of the furniture is not yours and it is in the wrong place. And if there is the possibility that he could get up and wander there is no telling where he would go.
Bottom line a trip like this is not a good idea. If it were to move permanently and it would be necessary that is different but just for a visit not a good idea.
You do have choices. Say NO. They can come to him if they want to see him. Stand up for yourself and him. Good Luck.
That is way too much on a frail person!! Taking him for the night is not a good idea. What if he gets there, and freaks out because he doesnt know where he is. Doesnt remember how he got there. Doesnt remember the family after a few hours? Trips over a rug or carpet or steps. Cant get to the bathroom because he doesnt know where he is, or cant remember.
He could even freak out half way through the car ride. I have had that happen to me. It is extremely nerve wracking hearing someone scream at the top of their lungs, and hard to calm the person down. (The person thought we were lost). Something could happen to him just because of the stress of the drive and unfamiliar suroundings. What if he freaks out and tries to open the car door whilst driving? You could lock the door, but its still scary if he is trying to escape. Youll have to pull over to calm him down.
More importantly how will you take care of his bladder needs? There is no changing area along the highway. Are you going to take him in the womens or mens rest room? Both in a cramped stall trying to change him with coats in the way. Are you going to change him outdoors in the cold? Can he even walk that far to a busy rest room? Step up over any curbs to get to a rest area building? My dad had moderate dementia and wouldnt come out of a busy men's restroom for over an hour at a restaurant. My mom was in total denial he had dementia. He came out with his pants down. It was extremely stressful. The manager got involved. Dont do it. You have to handle this all by yourself. Just dont.
They need to get off their butts and do the drive. That is selfish to put a frail elderly person through that. And make you a nervous wreck in the process. Just tell them it is too much. Because it is.
They can all stay at a hotel nearby. He offered to pay. He can pay for a room. Its not too much to ask of them. They are healthy individuals. They have no idea what they are asking of you. I wouldnt do it.
That is still asking a lot for you to do half the drive, and then turn around and drive back.
If you still wantrd to do it, hire a car service so you can relax and take care of him. I still think it is a very bad idea.
If no one has bothered to make the trip to see him, I don't see the above as being likely to happen. Or it might be the plan, and then the daughter will bail at the last minute, and YOU will be the one making the whole trip.
People came to see my mom, who she asked about and when they came she didn't know who they were. People with dementia usually don't know what they are talking about. They say one thing and the next minute they forget it. Leave him in place, too dangerous to be traveling anywhere.
We all have different situations we are dealing with and you would know best if he could handle being with people that are asking to see him. Would one of his children be available to be with him?
He obviously doesn't rely on you 24/7, I'm not minimizing your job, please don't take it that way, some have super needy parents and feel differently then I do, my dad has dementia but is pretty high functioning and remembers mainly what he wants to, the rest just never happened., but that is not new behavior.
I think if they can give you a respite it could be good for both of you. Their house or his, maybe one of his caregivers would be game to go.
It’ll be way too much for your dad to travel. It’s just not good for him in so many ways.
The change in routine, arriving and staying in different surroundings, the stimulation - all this may be just too much for your father. You can’t predict how he’ll react & all the preparation in the world can go awry.
Your intentions are very good because you’re a loving , caring daughter but please don’t take him.
Have them visit to be on the safe side.
I took my mother to Nashville as I had a conference there & wanted her to see the Grand Ole Opry. It was a 1200 mile drive. She was about 79, no dementia but slowing down some. We stopped overnight in Blacksburg VA on the way there. By the time I got her in the hotel room, I realized my mother had developed a fever. She wasn’t ever a complainer but she was felt so hot & was acting sluggish. I was absolutely a complete nervous wreck. I got her in bed & was in a town I didn’t know and all I wanted was to get her some soup & fluids and let her rest. I will never forget that trip. I was so scared that something would happen to her and we were so far from home. Lucky for me she woke up ok, still sluggish but the fever had broke and we continued to Nashville where she rested for another 2 days in the room & was able to see the Grand Ole Opry after all.
Your dad has 15 years on her.
Not to scare you, but it could happen. Thank heaven it worked out for us.
Take the safe route and keep him home.