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Countrymouse, you hit the nail on the head! Although my mother was not cold we realize (now that I have a grandchild with Aspergers) that is what she has always had. It is a little easier to accept once one understands that the "quirky" behaviors are beyond their control. Now that Mom has dementia, the signs are much more obvious, but they were there all along.
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Many families don't have close relationships. This may be the way your mom was raised, she may not have had a close relationship with her mom. Maybe she has some mental health issues that prevents her from experiencing that closeness. My dad's family weren't close-there just wasn't that connection. My mom's family was the opposite. You do what feels right to you, you can connect with her but realize that she may not be able to return that closeness. You love family no matter how they behave, you may not be able to change her but you can change the way you behave with her. Don't give up, just keep in mind you need to do what is good for you, if one thing doesn't work try something else. Good luck.
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Jessie, what used to stagger me was the things they *didn't* find upsetting. The one that utterly horrified me was my mother's reminiscing about my brother as a baby and saying fondly "funny little thing" - by funny, she meant dangerously undernourished because he had pyloric stenosis and was literally starving. She even had cherished pictures of him in that state. One of my parents' friends nicknamed him Belsen Eddie - she didn't think that very funny, but more because she thought it in poor taste than saw it as a personal criticism. I'd tried spelling out to her in the past quite how close her 'funny little thing' was to death, but because he somehow survived and is still with us to tell the tale she thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill. As my daughter would put it: "what is WRONG with you???"
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my3kids, caregiving can definitely open old childhood wounds. Even if it doesn't open them, it can make us aware of the scars that were left when they healed.

CM, I don't think my mother is autistic. My father was probably on the spectrum, though never diagnosed. Asperger's wasn't even heard of in his day. I suspect that my mother's childhood was not as rosy as she portrays. She talks only about the wonderful things of her childhood and marriage to my father. I think she keeps all the bad stuff buried, probably even to herself. I doubt that I will ever know any of the bad things, but I can sense that all was not well.

my3kids, it sounds like your dad resurrects old childhood memories you have tried to close the door on. Sometimes I wonder if they are trying to push buttons, talking about things they know are upsetting. Or I wonder if they find the conversations more interesting if there is a bit of conflict.
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Does anyone find that they are reliving or connecting with their own childhood hurts taking care of family? Also, I understand where all of you are coming from. I keep asking dad "do we have to talk about this" he just wants to live in the past and talk about people who i really dont want to talk about. Even though he knows this, his brain is good. We keep getting in these conversation traps. Then the rest of the day is pretty much silent. Sorry your going through this. Hope its a better day!
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Jessie, I empathize with your situation. I am having a very difficult time relating to my mother. She has a long history of depression which left many emotional scars on my childhood. Now she has chronic pain and is memory impaired due to some tia's. Her daily routine is laying in bed watching TV,reading tabloids, and sleeping. She would love for me to spend all my time with her discussing the lives of celebrities or anyone in the media who had made millions. Or she will digress on subjects from her past where she was hurt or felt unloved.

I am finding it difficult to stay positive when there always seems to be a black cloud looming. I try to have compassion, but honestly...I am weary of all her suffering. Placing her in a nursing home would fill my sister and I with so much guilt and I know my mom would never forgive us.

I am in transition myself with employment, and returned to school last year to better my career skills. It has been a huge struggle. I recently turned fifty and am hungry to really live fully, but most days it feels like my life has basically ended.

I pray everyday that I will be released from this confinement.
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Jessie, has anyone ever investigated whether she might be autistic?

My mother was a hermit too, but her dread didn't extend to her children - she wasn't cuddly, but she could be affectionate. The dislike of your being "in her way" and her edginess with you just made me wonder, that's all. Maybe, too, there might be some useful techniques you could pick up from that world?
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Jessie, that is so sad. You deserved so much better all your life, than a mother who was cold. It must be so difficult to try to feel anything now, after all these years and so uncomfortable living with someone like her. Its not you, and doubtful your mother will change or ever be any different. I was lucky I guess, but my relationship with Mom is similar to yours but for different reasons. Although my mother is now a stranger to us, and she was always sort of odd, I used to be close to her and she was a warm and loving mother and we talked often and she was always there for me. Now, she hardly talks, is interested in nothing, and after I have been with her for about 1/2 hour, there is nothing more to say but uncomfortable silence (at least it is uncomfortable for me) She doesn't hear well so I have to almost shout (which is stressful), she can't comprehend most of what is said to her and won't remember it in five minutes. I end up leaving after an hour or so as there is nothing there but us to stare at one another. I feel badly for you, there are comfortable silences and uncomfortable silences. Is your mother even capable of expressing her feelings or are they buried so deeply she can't get in touch with them?
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Daybyday, I don't invite anyone I know over, because my mother doesn't get dressed. She is in her pajamas all day. She prefers not to go anywhere. She usually gets upset if anyone comes by and she has to get dressed. She gets embarrassed if anyone comes by and sees her in her pajamas. I guess you could say that she just wants to be alone and comfortable. She has always been uncomfortable around others -- a bit of a social phobic -- so it is easy to understand. And my father absolutely dreaded people, so my mother never inflicted any on him except us kids.
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My MIL does not have a single friend, a single hobbie, a single anything besides her kids. Most are here a few times a year and that's it. There is no talking or doing or even TV shows to discuss because all she watches is Americas funniest videos. It leaves very little to ever talk about. Oh how I wish she had friends coming and going. This brings up a whole other issue. She actually gets mad that we have friends and that we do things with other people. So any time that occurs we are even more disconnected for days after because she will be irritated about it. My husband and I are in our 40s, she is 82.
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deb, that's an easy one for me. My parents were hermits, so had no friends. There is one woman across the street that my mother called friend. The woman is on the go all the time and has her own health problems, so she has fallen by the wayside.

Wouldn't it be cool if our houses were social hubs of friends coming and going? Maybe not all the time, but sometimes would be fun.
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Deb, I do for my father, but it's primarily through an annual holiday letter, cards, e-mail with their adult children, or update if there's a serious medical issue. Dad keeps in contact himself otherwise. I'm fortunate that he does that easily, and it really helps him to maintain those friendships that date all the way back to childhood, military service, and other eras.
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Jessie, you're reminding me of - have a question - do any of ya'll feel the need to maintain contact with your parent's friends?
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An add on the the above comments I am still working a full time job, travel frequently on business and do have a social life. So visits to the parents often fall on weekends when I have lots of errands of my own to do, housecleaning, laundry, etc.
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I too have a hard time connecting to my parents. When we were young it was very evident that their 1st priority was to each other, and the kids were secondary. That was fine, it made us independent adults who have all made a success of our lives and families.

Now that they are both elderly, don't drive, and have multiple health problems they are reaching out and asking for help. I am ashamed of myself for resting this, at the same time I have compassion for their situation and the way their lives are changing as they age.

A big problem is instead of spending time visiting and talking I find myself spending my visits doing chores, changing lightbulbs, picking up prescriptions, and other time consuming tasks. I have offered to find someone to run errands and help with cleaning and chores but they don't want anyone else in the house. It terrifies me to be responsible for taking my Dad places because he is much larger than me and if he falls I could be hurt too, I am 60 so I am not that young either! And I resent the fact that when I was starting out on my own they gave me very little support or assistance but now have no hesitation asking for help. I am single and my siblings are all married with children and grandchildren so I am usually the go to person since I apparently have no personal life.

Anyway, back to the main topic, their lives have contracted so much that it is hard to find anything to talk about, so much is repeated so many times I have a hard time being polite or its a discussion about neighbors I don't know or TV shows I don't watch. I have begun to dread the phrase "I've probably already told you this!"
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My parents and I never bonded well either. There was no hugging, kissing, and I love you's. There was cursing and screaming and throwing things, mostly between my parents. My mother died 1.5 years ago, and we were close and not close. She was my best friend and my worst enemy. I can't explain it. My father is in bad shape. When I feel sorry for how he's letting himself rot away, I remind myself that most of my life, he cursed and even beat me as a child with his belt. Those are not fond memories. Part of the reason he was so distant is that his mother took a shotgun to her mouth the week he moved out to college. He loved her and was never the same. I recently found his baby book. It was heartbreaking for me to read the things he did as a baby, when he was normal, and they were happy. I mourn my parents more for who they were not than who they were. I try to nourish their good qualities that I took in and ignore the bad. Anyway, you don't have to bond with your mom but tell her what you need to tell her now. I never got to tell my mother "I love you" and REALLY mean it. I never got to ask her about what she wanted to happen after she was gone.
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cwillie, I wish I could like what you wrote 10 times. You wrote exactly what I feel.

karen, I'm one of the lucky people who don't have to be with my mother all the time. I can come and go during the day as I want, so don't really need respite. A vacation in the mountains would be nice, but that will come in time. What you said about letting ourselves off the hook is important. The feeling of guilt from not spending more time with them can hook us, even if they don't want us to spend more time. I imagine that if my mother had a bucket list that "Spend more time with my daughter" would rank somewhere near the very bottom. (Really, it probably wouldn't be on there at all.) Come to think of it, spending more time with my mother may be high on my guilt list, but doesn't appear on my bucket list at all. :)
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ah, I've seen those too; I've always thought that was so cool, too, to be able to have that - would you say - or am I wrong - that you have to be pretty well-off to have that? but don't totally assume you're right in the move thing - could be her money to pay the caregiver's running out - at least that's what happened to my aunt - or, rather, my uncle's wife - which, we still don't understand how this happened (though, now that I think about it, I might just be able to find out this coming week, hm...) but seemingly she put my uncle in the nursing home while she had round the clock paid care at home - hm...? what you think? anyway as I understand - well, this I do know, my uncle had passed away by this point - when she began to run out of money she moved 2 hrs. away to be closer to her son - she and he had already made that move the other way once to be closer to their daughter, who then unexpectedly passed away herself but as long as they/she could manage, with money and caregivers they stayed - they still had their son-in-law - for whatever that was worth, but some I suppose at least at the time but you see where I'm going - and grandson and and goddaughter-in-law but again, so she ended up moving back up closer to her son - and daughter-in-law and at least the story as I got it - they had a basement and basically put her in it where she couldn't really get up and down the steps, so....things not always as they seem...but that's the side I got; turns out I may just be going up that way myself this coming week so maybe I can get the other side - will say, she never seemed to me to be the type person you're talking about but then we were family and inlaws besides - do somewhat get the idea she would have been like that with others
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I like to talk to people at doctor offices, too. I'm almost always talking to some "victim" in the room if I have any time sitting. Today it was an older man. It wasn't a good talk, though. He talked about being robbed and how often he was robbed and how life was not going to go well with these bad people. He was really stuck on the getting robbed bit. I imagine it was because he lived in a more crime-filled area of the city. Needless to say, I was glad when my mother got finished and we could leave. My bright sunny attitude had gotten a bit tarnished by all the bad thoughts about thieves among us.
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I wish the high tech firms would recognize the need for application to the elder market, and spend some time developing a holographic display that would allow caregivers to program in their elders' symptoms, enter the display and live in the lives their loved ones are living, just for a few days or even a few hours.

We'd at least have more personalized insight into their feelings and behavior and could understand their lives much better.

And imagine the applications for the medical profession - they could tailor advice to specific behaviors, whereas now it's all observational - once someone is in that state, I'm not sure it's possible to be objective and share feelings and observations in a scientific manner.
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Jessie, when you said "and I get so bored I have a hard time sitting still" I thought you were speaking my thoughts! The weird thing is I am not really a hyper, on the go kind of person, I find it easy to sit and do nothing useful all day, that's why caregiving seems to work so well for me. But sitting in the same room as my mom, doing nothing and saying less is frustrating beyond belief! I have thought I could get a tablet so I could at least spend my time on-line near her, but if she is satisfied to spend her days "resting" and listening to music why should I fight it? She seems mostly content to live out her days in a twilight land (when I am frustrated I call it practice dying). When she first declined I tried so hard to engage her in things, now I have just given in.
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Sorry for the typo...I meant to say the 2nd woman was much MORE "off".
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No, she was there with a care provider of some sort because she doesn't drive. She was explaining to me that she is actually moving back to *** city (about an hour from where we were) to be closer to her family. I'm making an assumption here but seems like you don't move closer to people you don't want to be around. Funny thing too is there was another older women there with her son. Much for "off" then this woman but she was so loving to her son while there. Accepting help from him to walk and get to the counter. She was talkative and happy as well. She was not as outgoing with all of the strangers though. Either way, I see it all of the time. Elderly people still enjoying the time they have here instead of being miserable and making it very hard on the people who take care of them. I know the saying that the grass is always greener on the other side.
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but then daybyday she might be different with her own family - was she there by herself?
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My MIL and I do not connect at all anymore. I have a hard time even looking her in the eyes unless I absolutely have to such as asking her to get out of bed so I may change her sheets or to come to the dinner table etc (I hate doing all of that but I will). Some of it is me trying to block it all out and then a lot of it is her. She has never been outgoing (she hasn't ever liked to be hugged or helped in any way and never has been close to ANYONE except MAYBE her husband who has passed 14 years ago). And me, I just can't pretend very well, making jibber jabber just to hear words. Plus when she has spoken to me lately, she says such hateful things to me (and my husband) that at one point I told her she can think whats she wants about me (us) but to do me a favor and keep it to herself. So rarely do we converse anymore. It feels bad and awkward but what else can I do? I would love for someone to invent happy, smiley, talky pills for her. I'd be indebted for life :)
I often wonder how people can be so different as I sat next to an elderly lady while getting blood work done the other day. She was a little "off" but she was so HAPPY and talked to EVERY person who came through the door but she really latched onto me. As we sat waiting, she was talking to me about her family and how she loved to sing and how she hoped we'd meet again sometime even if it were on the other side. She left me happy but wanting. Why is it that I could connect so deeply with this person and so easily but not with my own MIL. Life is just so tricky some times. I wish there was a handbook to direct me through the rough stuff or just that Happy pill I spoke of above:)
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I know the feeling of guilt. I feel so guilty not spending more time with my mother. She doesn't seem to want to, though, and I get so bored I have a hard time sitting still. I envy the people who can just sit and chat and enjoy each other. The hearing loss makes it hard, too. The TV is up so loud that I have to yell over it, then repeat myself a time or two. That gets very frustrating.
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Hello. my mum and I were always close. She was my best friend. She has lived with our family for over 22 yrs...when my dad left her. She is very withdrawn now and just sits and watches TV. Eats in her room. She has hearing problems. We have just bought her new aids and a gadget for hearing the TV instead of watching the CC on all the shows. But she now is having issues with walking, her legs swell up. I do believe its caused from not walking too much. I try to get her out most days but I too have house work to do and I feel so guilty not trying to get her out and about early and by lunch she is tired. She also sleeps alot now. I too feel very guilty. I feel she would be better with people her won age and have more conversation as well. But the hearing is an issue. We live in a place called Dieppe, NB Canada and the people speak with a french twang and its hard for her to hear anytime. So my husband and I have problems with getting a break for a short vacation. I need to try and rely on neighbors to help look in on her. She is 87 now.
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I've seen this in a lot of older people. Even when they are good people, old age can bring in a narcissism they never had before. Their worlds can become smaller and smaller until pretty soon they don't see anyone but themselves. From what you write, it doesn't seem like your mother is particularly narcissistic except when it comes to your time, Carla. Are you her only person? She seems to be holding too tight to you. I wondered if she would be upset if you tell her that she needs to walk the dog so she can stay as mobile as possible.

I know that we can become their arms and legs for them. Some people think I should cook my mother's breakfast and do other things for her that she does for herself. It would actually be easy to do these things, but I don't want her to stop doing what she can. These tasks are the things that keep her up and moving.
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This is a fascinating question, and the responses so far have been very interesting too. I also have a very limited relationship with my mother, but not for the reasons others here describe. Am I the only one here for whom caregiving itself drove the wedge in what was once a friendly, caring relationship?

I moved down to Florida when my mother started needing help. I thought she should have a family member close by in case of an emergency (my two sisters were two hours away from Mom but there had never been a close relationship with either one) and I wanted to take over those household tasks that were unsafe for her with her balance problems, like changing the batteries in the smoke detectors. I quickly learned that my caregiving plan was not her caregiving plan. Her attitude was "Good, I've got you here, now I want you to do A, B, C, X, Y and Z." Including some stuff she could do herself, stuff she could figure out how to do herself, stuff she didn't really need, etc. etc. For example, she wanted me to come by daily to take out her garbage and walk her dog, which were things I never contemplated doing or offered to do. That's the key point. I wanted to do what I offered to do out of the goodness of my heart. I didn't want to be seen as an unpaid service provider, at her beck and call for whatever she wanted.

That's the first part. The rest of it is that, due to our close friendship, my mother knew that I had plans for my own retirement, and that I was the last person who'd want to spend years of it stuck in one place (a place where I hate the climate, BTW) doing somebody else's chores. She knows I feel oppressed by this arrangement, she knows I feels trapped. She acknowledges that from time to time, long enough to wish out loud that I felt differently.

So the silence between us is dense and heavy, fraught with unsaid things, unexpressed resentments and hurts. It hurts her that our friendly relationship is gone. But not enough to release me from the prison of caregiving. She thinks if she ignores my feelings they will go away (that's a hold-out from old times - she always thought that way about me). At this point I hate to spend time with her, and wish every day that I could just pick up and leave.
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LOL Jessiebelle - mine liked Andre Rieu! I got her a couple VHS tapes online and she was just amazed you could do that, and enthralled...watched them over and over. I made it through one concert once.
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