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I've put some effort into connecting today. It was mostly listening to stories about her childhood, her aunts and cousins. She is mostly living in that era of her life now in her mind. She's not really talking to me. She's more talking with me in the room, but that is okay. I've learned some about old family disharmony, like when her grandmother left everything to one daughter and not the other. It reminded me of AC discussions when she was talking about it. So even in the early 20th Cent there were siblings falling out over "mother liked you better." :) Of course, I wondered if the daughter who received everything was the caregiver, but Mom didn't know much.

I gave up the attempt at getting closer somewhere in the middle of Lawrence Welk. I just can't stand that show, but she loves it.
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Yeah...I hear ya. My mom was not totally disinterested, and we could converse, but anything like sharing feelings or having real connection was not possible, because the main things she did with any feelings expressed was tell you not to/you shouldn't have them! I was her moving lady, her candy bowl lady, her laundry lady...and once in a while when I was not there, she might tell someone she was proud of me. She was from a different generation and had not really had to change much over the years, and I found I had to accept that she was living the way she thought was right.
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Jessie:

"Things in her childhood family and her marriage were idealized and perfect. Things with her own children were distant and cold. My father didn't have anything to do with the family. He and my mother may have been close, but they never showed any affection to each other. My mother always thought that hugging and things like that should be left to the bedroom."

And there you have it - they weren't emotional people, they were distant, and that's your mother's nature. Unfortunately, it won't change.

In your next post, I want to hear about your plans for a new life, FOR YOU! You go, Girl, GO! Use that compassion and insightful analysis you have to connect with others and get some joy out of life before it's too late.
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Whoops - sorry for the typo in the last paragraph - missed that.

And of course I've just thought of another suggestion: start your own group, whether it's reading, gardening, knitting, crochet, crafts, or perhaps better yet - start a caregiving group to connect with others of similar situations in your area.
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Jessie, it's great that you're getting out! Have you checked with local libraries for other adult groups? Most in our area have musical events as well as various book clubs. At least you'd meet people of a variety of ages and have a chance to interact with people who pursue reading interests.

From what I've read of your posts, you're very intelligent, experienced, perceptive and insightful. It may be that your mother has some issues which you'll never discover, and perhaps it's time to accept that and find companionship elsewhere. I don't mean to be critical or judgmental, but it does sound as if your mother isn't a cooperative or social person and that's not going to change. Perhaps you can look to companionship elsewhere.

Two of the most exciting activities I participated in after my sister died were (a) the Jane Austen Society of North America and the (b) Assn. of American of University Women. Both were discussion groups, both were inspirational and social.

At the JASNA group meetings, we always discussed some aspect of Austen's novels, whether characters, academic analyses, social issues, etc. There was so much discussion that sometimes we stumbled over each other trying to respond!

Then we had treats afterward. Despite their high sugar content, the treats were definitely a very relaxed and social way to end the meeting.

The AAUW group was also composed of a variety of women with a variety of backgrounds. At one meeting we discussed very interesting foreign relations topics. These were well read women, with intelligent and insightful perspectives.

I always left any of those meetings with a real academic high, and not just from the sugary food either. The discussions were so inspiring. I felt really ALIVE!

Something like those kinds of groups couLD provide some counteraction to the atmosphere at home.
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GardenArtist, I was writing as you were. My living brothers are distant from my mother. They call occasionally and come by once or twice a year. They are also distant with me. I used to encourage her to call them, but she would say that she didn't have anything to say. That let me know why she never used to call me.

All her siblings are dead now. My favorite aunt left me a gift from the grave. She told my cousin to let me know it wasn't me, that my mother had always been a difficult person. How she was difficult, I don't know. She spoke of how close her family had been, but I never saw that closeness. I suspect that it was imaginary. Things in her childhood family and her marriage were idealized and perfect. Things with her own children were distant and cold. My father didn't have anything to do with the family. He and my mother may have been close, but they never showed any affection to each other. My mother always thought that hugging and things like that should be left to the bedroom.

It has always been a walking on eggshells type house, but I guess it is beyond the scope of the current situation. I just wish I could feel closer to her now. I think it would make life better... at least for me.
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I cant even look my mother in the eyes anymore which is hard because she lives in my house. But after many years of 1 sided conversations I just dont have anything left in me. she dosent want to hear about my life and I don't tell her anymore. I gave up trying .after hearing the SAME things for years you just kind of learn to block em out. Im good at it now.
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cwillie, I wish your sister would come visit us! I like it when my SIL visits. She never really says anything, but it's nice to have talk in the house. I go to the Senior Center here once or twice a week to exercise and to have people to talk to. Most of the people there are about the same age as my mother, but are still so interested in life and doing things. Then I come home and it's like a morgue. I feel that if I were different I could bring a little life in the house. I haven't been able to do that. Most of the time it seems she doesn't like me at all.
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Jessie, as I read your initial post I began wondering about the historical aspects of your relationship. Your second post explained it all.

I agree it would be much better for both of you if a warm relationship could be established, but it seems as if that may only have occurred between your parents, if at all. They may both have been emotionally distant people.

Are you an only child? If you have siblings, do they experience the same distance that your mother seems to establish, like a barbed wire fence around her emotions keeping everyone out?

Do you have any aunts and uncles with whom you could bond, or who might shed insight into your parents' earlier relationship? You know, and I don't write this to be critical but rather possibly insightful, that your parents may not have been enthusiastic about having children because of financial constraints, or other reasons. If so, your mother may still harbor some resentment. You're the innocent party here.

I could understand a relationship such as CWillie describes; I think as old age begins demonstrating its control and we begin to decline, eventually there's some point at which confidence, hope and enthusiasm begin to be replaced by resignation and sometimes despair.

The RLTV shows periodically features older people who've challenged the typical restrictions of old age. Some of these people go skydiving, learn new challenges, etc. They're inspirational, but I know that not everyone has that confidence.

I also think that military experience is a foundation for exploring new boundaries at any age - there's a confidence that nonmilitary people may never have had the opportunity to develop.
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Mom and I used to be great friends, but now we have no real connection anymore. She is not interested in anything happening in the world, I am isolated with her and so have nothing new to talk about. I've tried to get her to reminisce but she usually says she doesn't remember, or gives a one word response. My sister chatters non stop but we have both gotten so used to the silence that it is a relief when she goes home...
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It has always been this way. My mother and father were both hermits. My mother loved being with my father, but didn't interact with other people. She went 10 years without calling me at all. Any calls made were from me to her and were very superficial. There was never any real relationship. Even now that I've been here 5 1/2 years, there is no warm relationship. I think it would be better if there were.
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Interesting....I'm curious about your earlier relationship. We're the two of you always distant or is this due to the dementia and aging issues?
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