Sister doesn't work and doesn't want to have much to do with Moms care. She sends her husband to take care of mom ( he can work remotely). Mom took care of her children for the last 14 years. I am the primary caregiver, l live with my mom and have very little help from sister herself with moms care. I am a widow and work fulltime. My sister has not worked for 25 years and has a live-in housekeeper/cook. Don't know what she does all day long while her husband is taking care of mom while I'm at work. Oh I forgot, my brother in law told me that at the beginning of the year she signed up as a volunteer to read to children on Tuesday mornings at their sons school. So my sister is doing volunteer work while her husband takes care of her mother. Mom is 90 and on a blood thinner for afib. She cannot be alone. I'm getting burned out. This started last August I'm waking up at least twice a night to help mom and then I drag myself to work. I mentioned the possibility of me moving out because someone was going to have to share the load with me. My brother in law said on the phone to my working adult son (who has already been missing work to help) that if I moved out they (he and sis) would sell mom's house and put her in a (nursing) home.
Last year we found out - but only because it reached a crisis that couldn't be concealed - that what she actually is is bipolar. You would be amazed at what apparently sensible, educated people think it's a good idea to keep secret, and go to considerable lengths to do so. No way back in our relationship with her now. And I think that's a terrible waste.
Jeanne's advice is spot on, and well illustrated. Meanwhile, I would be deeply suspicious of what the real story is with your sister. You don't have to do anything about it, of course; but perhaps you could let your BIL (or, better, her) know you weren't born yesterday - most natural thing in the world my foot - and you're willing to listen?
Who has authority to make decisions for your mother, if she becomes unable to make them herself? Who has Power of Attorney for both finances and medical? This is very important, especially when there are conflicting views within the family. While Mom is still capable of making her own decisions she needs to decide who should play these roles, and set up the appropriate paperwork.
Do what is best for Mom and you.
I know a caregiver who placed her husband in a nursing home when she had to have back surgery. Then she realized that the home considered him a 2-person lift, with equipment, and she realized why she had back problems lifting him unaided! As she was recuperating she spent most of her days with him. When he was ready for bed and she left he assumed she was going to her room. He thought they still lived together! She gradually realized that the quality of her time with him was much better when she didn't have to do the day-to-day caring, and she never did bring him home. My point is that you don't actually have to physically move with your mother into a care center in order to spend good quality time with her. Going home to your own bed with the assurance she will have help if she needs it could be very good for you.
Another option to consider for the day is an adult day health program. If mom could go out to that several times a week while you work and you could get some evening in-home help, that might extend the time Mom could safely remain in her home.
You have a lot of options to consider. Having more help from you sister is probably not among them.
I'm not suggesting you should take on even more caregiving! Just that if you knew what was the matter with her, as opposed to wondering what the h*** she's playing it, you might find it a) less hurtful and b) much easier to explain her no-shows to your mother.
I'm sorry if I sounded snappish. Venting is to be encouraged, and I apologise.
I'm sorry for your loss of your husband, and for what you went through nursing him. And now, clearly, your mother's care needs are far too much for one person, and since you need to be at work during the day, then yes, a night care assistant seems to be the place to start.
But you head this discussion "uncaring sibling." Is that you or her?
I finally faced the fact that that despite my requests for change, my brother was not going to be as involved with my mom as *I* think he should be. When I put that judgment down, it made MY life a lot happier. So work with what you have, not what you wish you had with your sister and mom.
There are some wonderful assisted living facilities and nursing homes, they're not all doom-and-gloom. Some have very caring staff and activities to keep your mom engaged if she's able. And to give you a good night's sleep. If you can't figure out how to keep mom at home, it's not a failure. You're still doing the best for your mom. Good luck and keep us posted...
I'm really sorry about your mom, Brenda. It's hard, for her and you and it's sad.
Do they have POA? Otherwise they can't sell squat. Look into night care for YOUR sake.
I hope in home care alleviates the situation sufficiently, if it does not you need to consider NH, unfortunately, you cannot force them to help, and you cannot carry the burden alone.
I have to remind myself about my siblings daily that "they made their choices to ignore my Mom and have to live with it", not me! When Mom passes I can look myself in the mirror and KNOW that I took great care of her...
Other than the afib what are Mom's other health concerns? Can she afford overnight care?