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Just an update: My 94 year-old mother has now moved to a retirement home in another city 5 minutes from my sister’s home. I had helped Mom to age in her apartment for 10 years (her health, of course, declined during that period), and am exhausted, and glad that this situation finally changed—it was derailing my retirement, and I struggled with the ongoing sense of being held hostage by an aging parent. It was hard because she truly appreciated all that I did for her; however, I still didn’t want to be stuck in that role forever. I had come to feel a sense of despair as I sometimes believed that I would be—that was the hardest part of it. I also didn’t willingly choose to become a caregiver—I found myself falling into the role because of proximity and Mom’s immediate needs.
My sister is now the primary caregiver. I am still in shock, and cannot believe that I am truly free.
Mom is settling into the retirement home, and we are now clearing out her apartment.
I will likely be returning to my previous city next year, and will visit Mom as I can.
I am getting counselling to help take my life back. I feel as though I’ve climbed a very steep mountain ⛰️, and have just made it over the other side. I will now work my way down.
I will continue to check in here to offer support (as I was supported by various members when I needed it).

Glad you found a way. Good luck. Do keep us updated.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Danielle123 7 hours ago
I will, and thanks.

Take care, too.
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Nice update.
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Reply to brandee
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Thanks for this, AlvaDeer.

It was proximity and Mom’s immediate needs that got me into that situation.

I will support my sister as I can, but now live too far away to step back into that role.

I will chart my path and move forward.
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Huge hugs to you, your sister, and your mom settling into a new place. I imagine there is much to unwind from in your own transition, but believe you are already doing great on that climb back down to reclaim your own retirement. You so deserve to be free to chart your own course now, and hope you will have to travel a bit in your new city in order to visit mom, so that her care would not likely revert to you. Savor the newness of your life, even if the uncoupling is jarring at times. The world awaits you, and your inner child yearns to join your adventures. The people on this site will be glad that you continue to share your helpful voice and experiences here.
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Danielle123 Nov 17, 2024
Thank you so much, Chalyse. My new city will be 4 hours away from Mom. Her care will not revert to me. Even now, Mom is 1.5 to 2 hours away, depending on traffic. I have been helping her transition into the retirement home over the last week; however, am beginning to space my visits further apart as I cannot be there more than 1 to 2 (at the most) times weekly. My sister now sees her daily.

I also appreciate your affirming words. I am still processing this, but yes—am finally free to chart my own course.
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Ten years is a long time as a caregiver. I’m glad your mother was appreciative of your efforts. I hope you’ll enjoy peace and healing for yourself as mom settles into her new setting
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Danielle123 Nov 17, 2024
It was a long time. She was appreciative, but I had gotten so tired, Thank you for your good wishes of peace and healing.
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This is wonderful news. Fun to hear of a "win" for a change. I hope all goes well for you. Don't step back into this. There will be adjustments. Stay SOLELY in your Sister's corner in terms of support. Don't get talked into being the middle man, because in the middle is where the certain loser stands.
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