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To speak to my aunt. She doesn't answer her phone because of mobile issues. I used to communicate with her through emails and now she doesn't respond to those. The last time she responded to me through email, she told me she had help coming in twice a week for one hour. I believe that is a fib, because it's hard to find anyone to come in for those few hours. So, I believe she's back to square one, again on her own and in her own filth and mess.


I don't want to ask my cousin who lives closer to aunt how she's coming along, because that will open Pandora's box again with the pleading of me to come down for a few weeks to help. I thought about visiting, but with a long trip, there would be no place for me to sleep, as aunt has incontinence issues.


She obviously cannot go on this way. I have given up POA, but aunt is so difficult and probanly lying now about having home care help, that I just don't know what to do, other than continue to keep my distance. She got rid of the home care I arranged for her. Cousins are in denial about aunt and just do what she tells them, which is to leave her in her home. Ugh. Just venting.

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You cannot save a person from herself, or her own self destruction. Nor can you deal with ridiculous cousins who expect you to uproot your life for this woman while they live nearby and do nothing! The whole situation is absurd and I'm glad you resigned POA. Just send her a card and a note now and then, Thinking of You, and let it go. One day she'll have a crisis and her decision making power will be taken away from her. That's how it works with stubborn elders.

Have fun on your cruise!
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Tiredniece23 Nov 29, 2023
Thank you, lealonnie! I will!
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I know you are just venting.
You gave up POA and all I can say is GOOD ON YOU.
And the cousin is there and dealing with it well as the cousin and aunt likely EVER dealt with anything at all.
I think right now is just an adjustment period for yourself.
Keep busy. Do what you can to make your OWN life more full. Walk and take on hobbies and read and just enjoy the freedom.
There isn't anything you could have done. That's a kind of grief. Allow yourself a mourning period. Send snail mail cards and letters: don't expect to hear back.
My best out to you, tired. Your mind will retrain itself if you just give it a bit of time and fill your life with good things. Don't beat yourself up at all. Not everything can be fixed. There's nothing you can do here but let this go. As an old RN I am here to tell you that for the most part we die as we lived.
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Tiredniece23 Nov 29, 2023
Thanks, Alva. I have a trip to the Caribbean coming up next month. Looking forward to it.
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It is frustrating to see someone that needs help but you cannot do anything to force them to get the help they need. Unfortunately it seems that a person is allowed to live however they want, even if it means they are living in filth, etc.

About the only thing you can do is call APS about her situation or have the police do a welfare check on her if you don't want to call the cousin. Aunt won't change until she has an accident that takes her to the ER and incapacitates her completely.

Your aunt sounds like most of the miserable and selfish elderly who refuse to get help when they need it and try to ruin the lives of family members by making them feel guilt and obligation to help said elderly person.

I am so glad you have stayed strong and not destroyed your life to take care of your aunt for god knows how many years.
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Tiredniece23 Nov 29, 2023
Yes. And my cousins expect me to give up my life and move in and save the day. Nope. They wouldn't even agree to have a family discussion regarding care for her in the beginning. The solution was and probably still me. They better all think again. No.
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Call the local police there and ask for a welfare check. That'll start the wheels turning to get her the help she needs without you providing it.
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I’m happy that you no longer have the responsibility of being her POA.

I know that this is a frustrating situation for you. I’m sorry.
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Tiredniece23 Nov 29, 2023
Thanks.
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Call APS where she is and ask for them to check on her. Make sure they know that you live too far away to do this. Give them cousins phone#. This may be where the family there either steps up or APS requests the State takes over Aunts care. You make sure they understand that you cannot take over her care. That she chose to live where she does 20 yrs ago to be near family.
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Just remember your Aunt is in her home where she wants to be.

A cruise? Wonderful!!!! Enjoy 😊
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If there is a concern for her safety and well being you could contact APS and have them check in
You could contact the local Senior Center they may have a Social Worker that would follow up.
Or you could contact the police and ask for a "well being" check.

But bottom line is you can not do anything to make her accept help. You can not do more than you are already.
Sometimes, unfortunately it takes some catastrophic event that "forces" action.
I think you know that and are probably waiting for that call.
If you think she would allow it you could try cameras so you can see that she is alright. Or I recently learned that if you have Alexa and she has Alexa you can "drop in" and communicate with her. So maybe a gift of Alexa for the holidays might be an answer to keeping tabs on her.
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Tiredniece23 Nov 29, 2023
Thank you. Those are good ideas, but I know her. She would never allow a camera in her home. Alexa, she wouldn't use, either, unfortunately. But I love those ideas.
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I am so glad ur going on a cruise.

I know you may not want to get APS involved but I think it may give u some peace of mind. They will investigate. They will determine if she needs to be placed or there are resources to help her. She will then be on their radar. Maybe checking on her periodically.
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Tiredniece23 Nov 29, 2023
I may end up doing that, but haven't read up much positive results on APS in her area.
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I would do nothing. By doing anything she and your cousins will latch onto you. You can not be held responsible for not doing anything. You are no more responsible for her than the family near here. You were not asked to except POA so no problem in saying I don't want it. Your reasoning why is a good one.

If you don't want to call APS call Office of Aging. IMO if u call APS, they investigate and do nothing, and something happens, its then on them. Remember, this is an Aunt and not a close one in miles or relationship. No one can make u or ur cousin care for her. That would be like my DH being held responsible for an Aunt who lives 900 miles away that he hasn't seen in 9 yrs and rarely talks to on the phone.
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