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I’m struggling…the day before thanksgiving I received a call that there are a few residents and staff members that are COVID positive at mom’s facility. Masks back on! It’s hard enough that I struggle visiting her and I’ve been trying to do it every other day or every two days, but I’m tired/ exhausted, mentally drained. I have GAD and depression after having suffered from cancer. In addition to that, I lost my husband as he betrayed me during that time and he officially left my home two months ago, trying to deal with all of my personal things and loneliness, in addition to not wanting to visit my mom because it’s just straight out hard and the guilt and resentment is heavy. I visited her on Thanksgiving and I had to wear a mask.. when I left and got to the car; I had a breakdown screaming/ crying and just lost it - so upset. I had welts on my face from the mask and I just can’t breathe with the darn thing, I haven’t returned to visit her since, and I feel awfully guilty. I was advised by a cousin that lives in another country to just let it go that I’ve done everything I possibly can. My mother is 93 years old. I took care of my dad before he passed away 21 years ago as well I have no life!! I’ve gained weight and I just am in a dark place. I don’t know how often is considered to be OK to visit an elderly parent without feeling crappy…I don’t know how to gauge anything anymore…any advice would be greatly appreciated; thank you.

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Sorry you're going through so much. As other members have mentioned, stay away for a couple weeks or more, better yet, why not plan to visit after Christmas and before New Years?

IMO that is one of the best times to do many things.
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Reply to cover9339
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How about if you give yourself a break and show you a little kindness here?

You've been through A LOT so it's okay if you don't visit the nursing home for a while. It's okay if you make your life all about YOU for a while.

Your cousin whio told you that you've done everything you could, is right. I hope you listen to them.

How about if you take a couple weeks off from visiting and just talk on the phone with your mother? Or FaceTime with her? At least wait until the mask restrictions are done. You deserve a break and some rest. Take some.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Take a couple of weeks off.

Hopefully the masking requirements will be gone when you go back.

If you have to mask keep the visit short.
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Gacast70 Dec 3, 2024
Thank you Brandee…I do need the mental respite.
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GaCast, ya know , between to caregivers, the last week I've been feeling a bit low. Today mom wanted me to go over and do a few things. I didn't go , and feeling a bit more down than I have in a long time. I have been handling it all so well and it surprised me .

So I've been thinking and wondering, why and how to fix it. We don't know what going to happen tomorrow, we are both not young I'm sure, what if we wake up in the morning and have a stroke. Why did I ruin a good healthy day, being miserable?

Especially when I can't change a gosh darn thing
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Gacast70 Dec 3, 2024
I can so relate. My mom has a phone but she doesn’t always remember how to use it, when she calls it will be excessively and doesn’t talk into it, her demands are requests for me to come. I get very anxious and block her (I know it’s terrible) but at times I’m at work and I can’t handle it. I figure if it’s an emergency the facility will call me directly. They’re not going to use her phone. I’ve gone through so many days where she has called and I’ve lost time time that I’ll never get back again because I’m worried about her or because I stop everything that I do to get to her
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Get rid of the guilt. You have done enough for your parents. Me, I would not have visited if there was a COVID outbreak. Mom has a dementia. She has no concept of time. You could go everyday and she would tell someone she had not seen you in weeks.

I have told the story before where my Dads sister, A, was in a NH with ALZ. Mom went to visit and on the way out my Dads other sister, E, was going in. When E got to As room she said "I see P was here to visit. A said "No, P has not been here today." Within five minutes my Aunt did not remember my Mom had visited. So do you visit Mom for Mom or because of guilt. I refused to feel guilty because I was there when my brothers weren't. My daughter is an RN in a NH. I saw my Mom every other day for no more than a half hour. My daughter said I did not need to go that much.

Take time off. Go out to the Mall and enjoy the decorations. Go to a Church service. Love Christmas Eve ones. Mom is safe and carried for, take care of yourself.
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Gacast70 Dec 3, 2024
JoAnn29, you asked “So do you visit Mom for Mom or because of guilt.” I visit because of guilt…you are right she has no concept of time…I gather I feel guilty for taking advantage that she has no concept of time…😦 we don’t even have conversations; everything is closed ended and shouting because of her hearing loss…all of it makes me anxious.
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This is indeed a sad situation. I sometimes wonder if the longevity advocates and "live-to-120" researchers have ever spent time in a nursing home or memory care unit. Many of the residents have lived way too long. They have outlived their physical abilities, mental capacity and financial resources. Some have no idea where they are or why; they may not even know who they are. They are existing.

I never wished to get to that point, but at 87 Y/O it may be closing in on me. I'd like to tell the longevity folks this: unless/until old people can live in reasonably good health--not merely occupy a bed or wheelchair with ever-increasing levels of illness, debility and loss of personhood--further longevity is not necessarily a desirable goal. (Switzerland has the right idea.)
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Gacast70 Dec 3, 2024
ElizabethAR37, I agree. Two years ago when I had to make the decision, although I had been looking into it and she had an incident where her doctor told me this is the opportunity to have her committed to a long-term facility. It will be harder to do it from your home so I decided at that point that it was time I couldn’t take care of her 24 hours a day and it was right after Covid and I had to return to my physical work location so I couldn’t even keep an eye on her and just having a nurse/caregiver 24 hours a day is very expensive here in CA. I spoke with her social worker, and the social worker told me that her medical insurance would cover her stay indefinitely and I said well how is that possible and she was very frank and said because she has far surpassed the life expectancy for a female which two years ago, at least here was 78 years old so the bottom line is the reason why they’re covering her completely is because she’ll die at any given moment, it’s not so much the care I’m fortunate that they take good care of her at the facility, but I thought it would get easier for me and it hasn’t Because of the guilt and also anger because I am an only child and I was there for both my parents. I don’t see how being bedridden and just staring at the TV, wall, eating puréed food, getting changed is living.
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I always advocate for every nursing home resident to be visited regularly, it helps the staff see the resident as a person who’s cared for and results in them caring more. But I also advocate for family members to guard their own health as well. Please consider asking your doctor for medication to help your anxiety and depression, it’s a gift to so many. Visit mom when you feel you can, making the visits as long as you feel you can. That’s all anyone can ask. When my mother was in nursing home care I generally visited twice a week, and though I loved my mother dearly, I despised every visit. We had one sided conversations as she lost speech, I hated seeing her there as I knew how much she hated being there, and it was all just so sad. I also knew the staff was doing a good job and truly cared for her, and that her level of caregiving could never happen in a home. I wish you healing and peace
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Gacast70 Dec 3, 2024
Daughterof1930, thank you for your suggestion. I do take anxiety medication and speak with a therapist. I gather I am resenting the situation and the visits - I feel like you felt and that feeds into my anxiety.
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Your mother is in car, is doing well, and they are attempting to keep her and other residents safe. I am certain, if you suffered through our almost 5 years with covid, you will be able now to find a comfortable mask for yourself, visit, make it short and sweet telling mom that the mask makes you feel a bit "claustrophobic" and then get on with your day.

You seem to have a lot of personal problems and concerns other than your mother being in care. You didn't create aging-in-America, and you can't fix it, so guilt isn't yours for this sadness. Grief is the better "g-word" and this is WORTH grieving.

If you need psychological counseling, medication to help you, I would start with a good check up and check in with your own doctor.
As to masking, do the very best you can. The rules are set by the facility. You will be required to follow them so do find yourself a good comfortable mask. I wish you the best.
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Gacast70 Dec 3, 2024
Thank you for the suggestion. It never crossed my mind.
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Oh you poor thing, I'm so darn sorry, this is a lot

For your mental health, you absolutely need to cut your visit back to maybe once a week.

No one can possibly do all this without getting to were you are.

Some things just can't be fixed. Does going to see mom every other day change her life for the better. I suspect not much anyways.

I honestly don't think what your feeling is guilty, it's greif , your grieving the loss of the mom you once new, your grieving the fact that your moms life is , not easy .

What good are you for your mom if you get sick. Also your a cancer survivor, it's imperative that you think about yourself and your health.

If your not in therapy, please do. Please take a break from going to moms, do something special for yourself, something good for you!

Your cousin is right, it sounds like you have done everything you could do for mom. Let the paid workers take care of her now.

You are actually lucky that mom is placed , take this as a chance to now take care of YOU!!

Gacast, please keep us posted.
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Gacast70 Dec 3, 2024
Thank you for your sincere empathy…I’m just trying to figure out how to make this all work.
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You don't "need" to visit your mother any more than you're comfortable with. It's okay to visit once a week or to not visit at all while there's a covid outbreak going on in the SNF. You matter too.

After having immunotherapy for stage 4 cancer and surviving, but being left with disabilities from the treatment, I asked the palliative care team for Paxil to help me with my depression and anxiety. It's been a lifesaver for me, truly. Cancer is a very traumatic event to go through. Recognize that and ask for help with your depression and anxiety. Don't add to it by making up rules you need to follow about visiting your mother continuously, at the expense of your health.

My mother lived in Memory Care Assisted Living for the last 3 years of her life before she passed at 95. Every time I saw her, she had some nasty hurtful thing to say to me, causing me stomachaches and dread at the thought of going there. So I visited once a week only. During the early days of covid, we couldn't visit at all and that was a relief, tbh. Then they allowed window visits so dh and I would stand outside in the snow yelling over the phone (She was mostly deaf) so she could hear us. We could see her through the window all warm and toasty as we froze our buns off.

Take care of YOURSELF #1 and then set a reasonable schedule to see your mom. Don't sacrifice your health to visit during covid, either. That's my advice.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Gacast70 Dec 3, 2024
I can so relate on various levels. Thank you for your heartfelt suggestions. You are appreciated. I hope you are well!
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