For those that caretake from a distance or support siblings from afar, what are some of the things you do?
I'm burned out on my mom and have been for a long time. My sister knows this, but basically tells me she doesn't know what I want her to do. I think she wants to help, even though she has her own issues with our narc mother and has been pretty hands off since this whole thing started a few years ago.
My mom is too "competent" to be forced into professional care right now, so that's not something I need help with, yet. I don't even know what kind of help to ask for from a long distance sibling.
My sister is willing and able to take my mom for a week so I can get a break, but it's always hit or miss, infrequent and my mom has to agree, which she often won't.
Any advice on this?
one thing I did to help was to get mail order meals delivered. It is was from a company called Moms Meals. Kaiser patients get a discount. My brother said it made fixing her food easier. I ordered on line and had delivered to her home. I also paid for this out of my pocket.
1. we have a monthly "Zoom with Dad" meeting, that my sister who lives 2000 miles away takes charge of setting up and sending reminders to the family members. Siblings and grandchildren are invited to participate as they can. Sometimes we have lots of folks, sometimes just a few. But it is something that Dad looks forward to all month, and gives him a week of stories to share again.
2. Adult/teenaged grandchildren are invited to "Facetime with Grandpa", taking about 30 minutes to visit over cellphone or computer. Dad loves these, and talks about it for days. Younger ones share their school projects, or their songs.
3. One family member is "on retainer" to remote into Dad's computer on a monthly basis to keep it clean of malware and malfunctions. This is a blessing, because there's no telling what Dad has downloaded, or what he did pushing the wrong buttons.
4. Several make a point of calling while travelling, "I need someone to help me pass the time while I drive ..." He loves these impromptu calls.
5. Two siblings help with his finances, and most items are now automated for him. He feels in control, and checks his balance frequently.
6. All his medications are mailed to the house, which is also a godsend.
7. The siblings that live close by invite him to come visit for a week during special occasions, giving me a break. Sometimes the special occasion is made up, but it gives Dad an opportunity to visit others, and spend time planning for it.
8. We go out to eat weekly.
9. Dad has small chores that he does religiously - like take out the garbage, or run the roomba, or Monday laundry day. He takes them very seriously. It makes him feel like an important part of the household.
10. We have a group text of all the siblings and Dad. Every day Dad has to send us a message to let us know how he is doing. The messages are often silly, but it gives us the opportunity to respond and interact informally. He reports his "morning numbers" (Blood sugar and blood pressure), his exercise of the day, and what he ate for lunch. Sounds silly, but it has built a stronger bond with all of us. And if he forgets, someone will ask where the daily message is.
A few of my siblings are unable to participate much. They send puzzles or games, then Dad can call them to talk about the activities with them. I think flexibility and commitment are the most important parts. You can't commit to something you will not be able to do on a regular basis. Have an open, frank conversation with your siblings, and find out what they are WILLING to do, and see how that can help you.
We have a back up plan. If things suddenly go wrong, and I can't take care of Dad, the plan is already in place. I send these siblings monthly status texts. What went well, foods that suddenly cause a problem, frustrations, and successes. This gives me an opportunity to reflect, vent, and help them to better understand how they can help. And, they can offer suggestions and interventions. Or step in to help Dad.
Siblings need to hear the good things as well as the difficulties, or they will feel overwhelmed and hesitant to help. The earlier the communication is kept open, the easier it will be to have the serious conversations later.